Finding Sanctuary - Seeing "Secretariat"

http://forwardatfifty.blogspot.com/2010/05/majestic-prince.html

The above link is for a blog post I made way back in May after Super Saver won the Kentucky Derby. It briefly mentions Secretariat along with a slew of other great race horses. It remains one of my favorite blog posts.

I'm going to lose readership today. It's been a thrilling ride, but my focus is switching from Thor Hushovd and cycling to horse racing, strong women, daily events, movies and writing. Gotta write from the heart, you know. Right now, my heart is with ...

"Secretariat", the movie, was a joy yesterday. I'd promised myself that I would go see it on Opening Day. I'm so happy that I treated myself. I went alone after my invitations were rejected by BB, SA and GL (my daughter). The invitations were half-hearted, so I was actually happy that they refused. I wanted to go alone.

I've been looking forward to this movie for months. My memories of Secretariat and horse racing hooked me into it. Having never read the book, I didn't know any of the historic details surrounding Secretariat. I learned about Secretariat's people through the movie trailer. Penny Chenery is a revelation and inspiration. Lucien Lauren, a joy. Ron Turcotte, an inspiration. Eddie Sweat and Elizabeth Ham, pure love and comfort.

(For those of you who are interested and would like more information about facts that were left out of the movie or changed, the following link is a piece written by Bill Christine, an renown journalist. I'll leave it to you about whether or not you want to read this before seeing the movie. http://www.horseraceinsider.com/blog.php/West-Coast-Wash )

I suppose I should explain something about how I approach being a fan since I have written about being a fan of so many things. It's really quite simple; I am an altruistic, child-like fan by choice. I have no competitive desire to know more facts about whatever or whoever I am a fan of. I take an interest in each subject and learn details as a result. Usually there are details that are disturbing, but sometimes there aren't. When I find disturbing details, I adjust my perspective incorporating those facts into the picture. I have yet to stop being a fan of something or someone because of disturbing details. The disturbing details may, however, diminish my enthusiasm; but I'm willing to live with that. So that's it; I hold my "Fan Status" as a Holy Grail of escape and diversion. It starts out on the highest level and fluctuates according to whatever factual details emerge, yet, I have remained a fan of all that I started out admiring when I was a child.

Watching "Secretariat" merged two of my favorite fan pastimes; movies and horse racing. I am such a willing audience member when I watch movies. I am fully committed to being taken on the ride. I suspend my disbelief and joyfully go far away from my life into a world that I've never experienced before. It is a beautiful and exciting experience that emulates the same excitement and beauty that I experience when I watch horse racing. The feast feeds my soul and renews me.

I knew that this movie would release me for a moment and that the ride might be a bit bumpy. For this reason, I wanted to go alone. I wanted freedom from everything and everybody except me, the movie, and what it did to me. I wanted to go far away. I wanted to find what I have so often found while watching movies: sanctuary.

I had a cathartic, emotional epiphany while watching this film. Throughout the film, I cried simply because I allowed my emotions, insights and memories to take me there. I couldn't read the credits like I usually do because I was sobbing. Alone in a dark theater I found my release; I sobbed because it is what I needed to in that moment in that place. I am so glad I granted myself the treat of going to see "Secretariat" alone. It is entirely personal, and I don't expect anyone else to have a similar experience. What I discovered while watching this film was a longing, a need, a determination, and a few important insights. Now that is vague, but to reveal these key elements now will undo me. I have been put together in a new way, but the glue is still drying and the paint job is incomplete. I am vulnerable and going to take the time necessary to actually do a few of the things that I realized I need to do before telling anyone. I've had a long history of telling people what I'm going to do before doing it thus taking the energy away resulting in delay and/or failure.

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my journey as I go forward as a fifty year old. A large part of this journey has turned out to be reconnecting with things from my childhood that I enjoyed. Another large part of this journey is finding inspiration to move on as a stronger woman. It is my belief that by combining these two elements that I will discover new passion, determination, skills, and direction to use for the rest of my life. So far, so good. I have discovered many failings and the causes or patterns of these failings. I have discovered incredible successes; most of which are not chronicled here. The purpose of this blog is to bring to light how I can become a more successful person and make a larger contribution to our world while taking care of myself.

I will share a few key details that I have never shared before. The first is about my sister. Have I written about her? Have your read about her? I have tried my best to keep the details of our relationship secret because it is the subject of my script. I've known many a screenwriter and playwright in my time and there is a built in and valid, protective paranoia based on fear of having ideas stolen. I've stated that I want to make money with my writing. I've always thought I'd like to write a screenplay and am now in class to do so. My class is showing me that maybe I'd be better served to write short stories or books or articles, but I haven't made up my mind because any new endeavor is always a bit rocky at first. So, now you know the subject of my script, and maybe you already knew it. Maybe I haven't divulged any details, so let me continue.

Yesterday, I did two important things besides going to see "Secretariat." They are as much a part of my catharsis and healing as seeing the movie.

Before going to see "Secretariat", I went to the local library, got a new card, checked out two autobiographies (Jane Pauley and Eleanor Roosevelt) and three DVDs (Adaptation, and two Romantic Comedies), and bought six books for $4 (Autobiographies about Edward R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, and Sir Lawrence Olivier; "Wicked", "The Trumpet of the Swan" by E.B. White and "Twice Upon a Time" for the title and main character name). I am a library person. When I was a child in the country, my next door neighbor was the local Children's Librarian, and I am grateful to this day. I love libraries. I am at completely at peace when I am in a library. It is a comfort zone. It is a sanctuary.

After going to see "Secretariat", I called my sister. Since you don't know our story, you do not understand the miraculous nature of that simple statement. There are some who have heard the story, but they still don't know it entirely; nobody knows but the two of us. The call started as I was driving home. When I arrived in my driveway, I turned off the car and continued talking. It was a beautiful night, and there was no need to go inside. We talked for a long time about what's going on in our lives and were dismayed that they are so similar now. We listened. We laughed. We cried. We supported. We swore like truck drivers. We bolstered each other. We comforted each other. When the call ended, we were stronger. We share a common history formed when we were very young. Some people are amazed at how much we both remember from those years, but we think it is because of the trauma we both experienced. At this point, we're quite certain that the events were seared into our memories because of how events played out. We know what very young children can remember because of what we remember. We are both in heartbreaking situations, right now; but we'll survive. We provide sanctuary for each other.

I'll give you one important detail. My sister is not my blood sister. My parents only had two children, and I am the only girl. My sister is my sister, and I am hers due to circumstance and choice. Our circumstance just happens to be based on time spent together before the trauma that happened when we were very young. Our choice is based on many factors, but one is certainly unconditional love.

Yesterday, I spent the day in the sanctuary of the library, the movie theater, and my sister's unconditional love before returning to the sanctuary of my home.

Mending Broken Clavicles, Broken Spirits, and Working for Peaceful Change

As promised, today's post is about broken clavicles. Of course, there will be more to it than that.

Recently, it was announced that Road Cycling World Champion, Thor Hushovd - (excuse me, but doesn't that just sound wonderful?!) ... It was announced that Thor is putting off having the plates (and screws?) removed from his clavicle surgery; so that, he and Cervelo Test Team can show off the Rainbow Jersey a bit before the end of this year's Cycling Season.

"Good decision," I thought, "That will be great for him and the team. After all, I still have the plate and screws in from my clavicle surgery in 2006.... hmmmm."

Yes, Thor is like me in that we have both broken our clavicles. We both had accidents that resulted in the same injury. His accident was while training. My accident was while driving, and I got a broken wrist, too. He was out doing something he was supposed to do. I shouldn't have been driving that night because I was far too tired and upset. Same result, though, sorta ...

I was impressed that right after the accident, his first concern was for the little girl that he hit. He is a good man. There was no one else involved in my accident, thank God; so I remembered my pain and knew a little bit about how he must have reeled when it hit him. I think that is what's behind his statement, "First I tried to help her, but I soon realized that I was not able to and there was something wrong..." Oh yeah, something painfully wrong.

I was so concerned when I heard about Thor's broken clavicle, but then I thought about Lance recovering so quickly; and that, Thor had trained with Lance. I also thought that being younger and an elite cyclist, he would have the best of care and do his best to be in shape for the upcoming Classics Season. I had faith in him and continually sent him my best thoughts. I knew it would be painful and difficult, but that he's used to pain and difficulties. He's a very determined sort, so I was confident that he would endure and succeed. Little did any of us know how well he would do.

I wondered if he had one of those amazing little electric cooler things like I had that pumped ice cold water into a pack that was wrapped around the injured area. I have to say that these electric cooler thingies are one of the best inventions of all time, but I'm completely biased.

I pictured him in Physical Therapy and remembered my own Physical Therapy. He would have the best. I had the best, too.

In my life, I've had some wonderful coincidences, and being assigned to my Physical Therapist was one of them. His name is Jerzy, and he is a retired Professional Cyclist from Poland!

"Of all the Physical Therapists in all of the world," I would think to myself.

I started working with Jerzy as a result of injuries suffered during a rape. I was a mess. My back and knee had been severely injured, and my spirit was broken. That man, that Physical Therapist, Jerzy, did more for me than any Psychological Counselor ever did. In fact, the therapist and psychiatrist that I saw actually did more damage than good. Jerzy not only put me back together physically; he put me back together emotionally.

I would go in, and he would cause me great pain. After the pain, he would hook me up to the electric stimulation machine and pack my body in hot sand bags or ice packs or both. For twenty minutes or so, I would just lay alone and cry silently. My tears were a combination of tormented tears and grateful tears. The whole experience was a release that set me on my way three times a week for about ten months.

Jerzy would check on me while I was laying down, and we would continue to talk cycling. He was full of stories about riding in Communist Poland and his disappoints and thrills. He told me about a miraculous mountain crash he had where he went flying over the tree tops, landed, grabbed his unbroken bike, and finished the race in second place, I believe. He told of how he was rejected for the Olympic squad due to factors that he didn't think were fair. Through his cycling stories, I started to regain my hope and my humor.

Of course I would talk about Thor and try to convert him. He did take an interest and appreciated my enthusiasm.

We talked all things cycling, and I began to heal. We talked about our personal lives, and I began to heal. Jerzy worked his Physical Therapy magic, and I began to heal. I started riding my bike to appointments, and I continued to heal.

As far as my broken clavicle, the circumstances were so frustrating and ill-timed with only myself to blame that my recovery is still going on. It's one thing for the bone to finally mend. It's quite another to get over the guilt and anger for doing something stupid that could have and should have been avoided. Ah, the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" thing pops up, and I am reminded to that going forward is all that can be done. Still ...

It was Jerzy who put me back together as best as he could after I broke my clavicle, too. He was still at the hospital, and I returned asking for him. Sometimes, people are put in your life to help you in ways that you don't even know that you need help and certainly aren't expecting to get from them. These are the people that I have come to be very grateful for. Those serendipitous combinations that do seem as though there is a force greater than all of us is hard at work looking out for our well-being. This is a part of my childlike spirituality that I get grief for sometimes, but I have learned that there are more people in the world who appreciate these things. I have a few of these people in my life, now. I am grateful.

I wish I still knew where Jerzy is. He has left the hospital, and I have forgotten his last name. I thanked him continuously while he was treating me and wish I knew where he was because he was just that good. It's hard for me to let go of good people. It's hard for me to accept that someone wonderful can come into my life for a short period of time and then completely disappear. sigh.

So you see, when I heard that Thor had broken his clavicle it brought up a ton of memories; painful memories. We have all seen how he has healed on every level. Oh, to be an elite athlete with resources or simply have resources and a bit more determination and discipline. Still, Thor continues to inspire me, and it's never too late, right?

His spirit has been well restored besides his physical prowess. Through hard work and determination, he's accomplished quite a lot this year, huh. I just can't stop smiling when I think of Thor Hushovd, Road Cycling World Champion. If you only knew how absolutely thrilling and affirming it is for me here in the States; a Thor fan when so many are Lance or "other" fans.

I still have a long way to go to overcome my emotional and physical pains, but I have two hands, two feet, and a working brain; all is not lost. My spirit is battered as is my body, so little bit by little bit I will continue to struggle on. Besides, I've found that if I make up my mind to be happy about my life and focus on my dreams that things are better all around. It is so easy to get caught up in the difficult situations that are beyond my control. I must focus on what I can control and leave the rest to those magical forces that work so serendipitously in my life knowing that they work in the lives of those I love, too.

Broken bones like broken spirits do mend. At least this is what I will focus on. I can do no good unless I heal myself first, and I really want to do some good in this world; more good than I've already done.

Which leads me to the last bit of my post ....

I saw today that Norway has given the Nobel Peace Prize to Liu Xiaobo, a Chinese dissident who participated in the Tienanmen Square Protests in 1989 and wrote "Charter 08." He is a peaceful activist who was sentenced to eleven years in prison last year just before the release of "Charter 08." The link to the Yahoo News article is below:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/nobel_peace_prize

I can actually tie this event to Thor. You see in 2008, Thor was willing to boycott the Opening Ceremonies at the Beijing Olympics because of Human Rights issues. It turned out that he did not participate at all due to his health, but he did take a stand. I also appreciate that about him.

I am so proud of Norway for awarding this Peace Prize to Liu Xiaobo in the face of threats from China about future relations. Kudos to Norway for not giving in to being bullied by the Chinese Government. I have read one article about the Chinese Red Army being involved in Blood Diamond mines in Zimbabwe that was posted by a friend living in the USA who was born in Zimbabwe. Yesterday on "Charlie Rose", a man was talking about Iran's covert methods of getting around sanctions and China's potential involvement with Iranian businesses. With China holding so much of the USA debt and their increasing influence in all parts of the world, it is imperative that light is continually shed on their Human Rights abuses. Can't tell you how happy I am that Norway has awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to Liu Xiaobo, a worthy Chinese citizen who also inspires me to strengthen my spirit and work towards greater understanding through gradual, peaceful change. I hope the world will listen and take action as a result.

Norway does so many things that I am proud of, and this is just one more to add to the list. It makes me feel better about myself when Norwegian organizations and Norwegian people do wonderful things. Makes me think that I can do something wonderful in a wonderfully brave way, too, simply because my ethnic heritage is Norwegian. I think the USA could really use a good dose of Norwegian, right now. :D

OK, the sun is coming up, and if I hurry, I might catch the sunrise over the lake. Have a great day, All.

"A Clarification"

The following was written on a friend's Facebook page in response to comments directed at me and my comments about the Lindsey Lohan sentencing and the media coverage of it. I stated that I hate my "hometown" and "people." The two women who responded after my comment were upset, so I wrote the following to explain my position more clearly. In fact, while I was writing it, I kept thinking that my time would be better spent writing on my blog.

So here it is, "A Clarification." I have replaced specific names of locations to protect the innocent. I must also emphasize that I only speak for myself and not my parents in the following clarification. I just needed to get a few things off my chest about my life.


ok, it goes like this - i hate "my hometown" in a broad-sweeping general way. i did not claim that this emotional response to "my hometown" was a correct attitude, but it is my honest emotion regarding "my hometown." stating that i hate something is not a display of bad manners. in fact, stating that i hate something, while harsh, is an honest expression of my feelings which are related to too many causing problems for my parents, privately and publicly during my developmental years.

living in "my hometown" did teach me to hate. it's a simple fact. prior to moving to "my hometown", i did not hate. since leaving "my hometown", i hate less and understand more about what to hate and what not to hate. hate is a valid and worthwhile emotion in my psyche. it is honest. for change to happen, an understanding and acceptance of the foundation of the problem needs to present itself first. i would offer that telling children not to say that they hate something is stifling to their emotional development; and that, it is better to acknowledge their feelings and the feelings of all people who hate first. from this standpoint, a dialog can occur about the whys and how to handle strong emotions.

my opinions about how the public, in general, can treat someone in a publicly prominent position stem from how my parents were treated and has been expanded by other public figures that i've known who have been maligned without regard for their humanity. as the years have progressed, i have seen more and more displays of this behavior. since i was specifically raised not to behave in this manner by multiple generations of my family, it is increasingly disturbing to see so many relish the demise of various humans simply because the many like to waste their time gossiping and bad-mouthing as though it is a hobby. i was raised not to gossip. it might be considered a sin in my family for the emphasis that was placed on this lesson.

ms. lohan and her problems present a very public picture of someone who is in trouble. her chosen profession means that her life is splattered all over the news, and it is too easy to forget that she is human and deserves compassion and respect because it is the right thing to do. as to whether or not she has a mental illness, an addiction problem, has made misguided choices, or is being made an example of; her profession is filled with people who are willing to take advantage of her persona for their own profit. it is important that she be as healthy and strong as possible; so that, she can have a successful life. this is not unique to her situation and has relevance in all our lives.

i cannot in good conscience condemn her simply because the point hits too close to home. my immediate family has been subjected to uncaring, dismissive, hurtful, mean people who did not help the situation; and in fact, made it worse. these events did not happen only in "my hometown", so i have a hatred for all small-minded, petty and pointedly harmful behaviors and attitudes. callousness, bigotry and a whole slew of other less than desirable attitudes only serve to widen the chasm. having said all that, i do not let myself off the hook for my negative reactions and broad prejudices.

it's just wrong to kick a person when they're down. it is also wrong to hate the sinner and not the sin. it's reactionary and destructive. my mom's mom was a champ when it came to choosing her emotional state in the face of adversity, and i have not matched her grace. it is a goal, but i must be honest about where i stand now.

as to building up, i was speaking of a prevailing attitude that i have noticed in our political and social arenas. i also think that honest and blunt statements about where a person stands in the moment can lead to resolution and subsequently a building up. ignoring the realities of a situation only serves to muck it up more and create more opportunities for downfall.

i hate "my hometown." i also hate people who pick on public figures who are not presenting themselves as messengers of hatred and only living their lives, however messed up they might be. given these sentiments, what do i do?

as far as "my hometown", i wish it wasn't so, but simply going back puts me in a tailspin. my memories flood back, and i hear more petty and ignorant bitching than i hear in a year where i live. i find more arrogant attitudes than i care to deal with. given this, i do my best to focus on those things and people that i do like such as the architecture, the lake, the circus world museum, my family and two friends. i add new experiences such as seeing eagles and going to hear live music by an old friend's nephew. i do what i can, but ultimately; i fail to fully forgive and get over all the harm that was done. it is my failing and in the name of survival, i go back as infrequently as possible for as short a visit as possible. that's the best i've been able to muster so far.

as to hating people .... well, again, i do recognize that there have been a few who have been wonderful to my family. unfortunately the numbers are severely imbalanced, so it makes it harder to get over. i've also witnessed the destruction of other people's lives while in "my hometown." i could list many, but i'm not going to use names because all are either older or dead; there is no point in bringing them into this discussion. the best i can do is to continually stand up for what i believe and strive to hate the behavior and not the person displaying it. you know the whole sin/sinner thing. it's a very difficult lesson, but like i said, i had this grandmother who raised a daughter who raised me. i will continue to do my best to be as good as they were and are. i will fail a lot. i will succeed a lot, too.

does this clarify things? remember when i write in brief passages, to read what i write. at no time did i say that my feelings were right. i stated my view in a pretty straight-forward way.

i couldn't wait to leave "my hometown" because of the circumstances of my life there. i'm glad i got out and don't go back very often. i'm grateful for the people who were brave enough and insightful enough to reach out to me when i lived there. i am still in contact with two people outside my family in "my hometown." i am being specific about "my hometown", as opposed to, say, "another nearby town."

the hurtful type of people that i described are everywhere, it just so happens that my first exposure to this type of person was in "my hometown." my emotions around this issue are strongest. second on my list as far as ignorant, harmful people would be my ex-family; and then, some of my current neighbors. i'm learning to deal with it a bit better every day mostly by focusing on my children, grandchildren, nice neighbors, and dear friends in this area.

finally, i do not view myself as a victim. i am a survivor, whether i like it or not. i've got a pretty balanced view of life. i am able to admit my own mistakes and take responsibility for them. i also make no apologies for my feelings; they enlighten me on a daily basis, whether they are good or bad.

so enough about me already. damn. this took a good chunk of my day. shit. got to go figure out how i'm going to survive without a job and no unemployment now. think i'm going the way of "facebook friend." off.