I Caught the Beast!

Wrapped her in a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer and put her right to sleep in her bed in her room/my office. We'll call it "The Guest Room."

After I dropped her at work today, I went to the gym. When I got home, I started re-deranging the office.

The bedding needed to be washed. The bookcase; table; life-size cut-outs of Darth Vader, SJP, and James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano; file cabinet; sewing machine; serger; office chair; and too many books, papers, and art supplies all needed to be moved somewhere else to make the room livable. They were all moved into the living room. The living room is now a dangerous place to walk through, so I've left the bathroom light on to help us navigate until Saturday when furniture gets removed to other parts of the property; read basement and garage.

Yep, the beast is asleep in her bed wrapped in a warm blanket. Sometimes Mama Bear gets it right.

In the Wee Small Hours of the Woman's Morning

There's a woman I know just a little bit, and I adore her because of what I know that she does not know that I know. I only learned it because her granddaughter told me, "Oh yeah, we've got that in our family." She then went on to explain how her dear grandma has two grandsons who live only a half mile away, and she never sees them; has no relationship with them because that's how the grandsons' mother wants it. This amazing woman's son lives this way. She is on par with my own sainted grandmothers. She inspires me. I am hoping to send her a note properly expressing how I feel without hurting her with reminders, nor making her uncomfortable because her first granddaughter told me a family secret in an effort to make me feel better. I care for the children of a wonderful family. I've been told that I'm appreciated. That's all I really need to spew love all over the little critters. So I'm relatively fresh off of taking care of three lovely granddaughters. None of them my own, but oh the joy they bring. And now, because this is only a blog, let's boil it down - I don't get to see my grandgirls, nor have any communication with them other than the few times I see them during the year. It is the same for my daughter, son, and entire family. It's called, "Parental Alienation." The time I spend with other children heals my soul. The people I've come into contact with who go through something similar to what I go through - well, when they handle it with public grace - I'm eternally awestruck. Oh to be that person in that moment. It's a goal worth pursuing that feels so much better than totally f'ing up. I'm off to be selfish and happy. There is a "Downton Abbey" marathon on WTTW Prime that's been going since sometime on Thursday. I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Basically, my daughter is away for the evening. My son is asleep. They are both safe. I've heard no bad news other than a bit of news from my sister-in-law. I've got a plan to address my volunteered obligations to her and my bro'. I've had a lovely evening of working to be the best I can be while taking care of myself and succeeding. All the while, I was showered with happiness and cooperation. I'm telling you. The mother of the grandsons is really missing out. I hope the same as my lovely grandmothers and so many other; may we all experience the just love of those we hold most dear simply because they are blood.

It's Time to Get Real

After only a year's hiatus, I'm back! Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are. With a new and never before used password, I'm off and running again. I'm still surprised. "Twilight Zone" is my white noise. I'm up because I'm a night owl. The story is about a woman traveling alone and continually seeing a hitchhiker. Anyone remember it? I do. Love "Black and White." I'm up because I'm a night owl, and my daughter is surviving a manic episode and at work. I've sent her a text asking if she can sleep at a friend's or Uber it home. She works a double tomorrow. She's off on Friday with plans to see her boyfriend, who is nine years her senior. The following is what I wrote for a new intro, but it is too long: "While six years ago the following might have been true, "Going Forward @ 50 is a bit of a journal with short stories, poems, pictures and random thoughts about the art of acquiring a new life because the kids are raised, and I need a life," the reality of the last six years is so much more than I expected. Seems this might be a great bit of therapy for more than just me. My most trusted friends are even more trusted. I am stronger than I want to be. My children are completely opposite personalities and wonderful. My granddaughters are smart and beautiful, and I fear for their well-being. We need help. We want help. If I do this right, all my dreams will come true. If I mess up, I'll learn and keep trying. Fuck fatalism and victimization. Crawling up from these depths may be a lack-luster journey filled with inconsistent plodding,failure, and success. Can't even commit to taking anyone with me all of the way. My friends are my friends. My readers are my readers. If you want a look inside - welcome." So, of course, I got upset and just deleted any intro, for now. Anyway, I can't say that my daughter will be happy with me for sharing any of these experiences. In fact, I'm very sure she'd be pretty, darn pissed. UNLESS - I can fully explain sincerely with integrity that the only reason I'm sharing this is because there are others who are going through something of the same in their own unique ways. If I can give hope through my writing. If my words and vulnerability might help reach a solution. If, if, if . . . After a good amount of reflection and emotional reaction, I've decided that imagining wonderfully, positive outcomes is better for daily living, even if, imagining the dramatic, negative outcomes might be better for a movie, book, play, or poem. One is used in real life. One is used in fiction -- "based on a true story." Both have the same desired outcome in America; HAPPY ENDING! Will we take a journey together to a happy ending? I sure hope so.

The Gym - Day 1

well - we'll see how this goes. day 1 = october 15, 2015 - went to the gym, bit of housework, and a bit of writing. just day 1, so far. goal: keep it zen. relax and work with as little pain as possible.

It's Been Over a Year

Dropped by on a whim. People are still looking at my blog. Maybe I'll start it up, again. We'll see. No longer know what I have to offer, but it may remain that this is just a form of accountability. In the meantime, best to all.

Veteran's Day 11-11-11

It's a special day, 11-11-11. It's Veteran's Day 2011. It's a day to remember and go forward with the knowledge.

Today, I will be telling stories to my children about our ancestors and a few others who have served. We will be spending the day together doing a mundane task. While my children may not express it, I will overtly point out how wonderful it is to be together today. We are lucky. We are surviving. I believe this is possible, in part, because of the many veterans who have influenced me over the years.

My Grandpa Norlander married into a ready-made family; my grandma had two children, my dad and aunt. He rose to the challenges and is recognized as our brilliant patriarch. He was kind, hard-working, humble, intelligent, loving, and never raised his voice. He had to quit school when he was in the eighth grade because his dad died, yet he was the one who taught me about Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. He read my dad's college philosophy books and passed on his passion for the subject to me. This usually occurred while he was working in his basement wood shop, a tiny room where he would make moldings and other small decorative items for his home. He went on to build his own cabin. The things I remember most about my Grandpa Smith are; sitting on his lap with his arms around me, laying in the hammock with him while he read to me or we took a nap, and tagging along with him like an obedient puppy. I adored the man. He was always kind and always made me feel special. He died when he was 50 years old from something called "exploding cancer." I have outlived him, and hope to be considered as good as he was.

My dad's dad, Palmer Ofstun, also served. He was stationed in the Pacific during WWII. His story is a tragedy. He died when my dad was nine or eleven due to injuries he sustained during the war and his alcoholism. He was a brilliant artist; I've seen the many drawings he did for his son in letters he sent while serving his country. His letters to his son and his wife (my grandma) tell a sad tale of a man who is separated from his family and knows that he's losing his wife. The stories of how much grief he caused my grandma are many, but long ago I forgave him is bad behavior; replacing any anger with sympathy for a man who couldn't survive the many bad decisions he made combined with the effect that serving had on him. His tale is a cautionary one, and I remember him fondly; knowing that he would want his heirs to do better. I try to be good for him, too.

Palmer's dad, Eric, was a brilliant great-grandpa. I made up a story when I was young that he had returned to Norway to fight with the resistance. I'm pretty sure that he didn't, but it made for some great stories; I think he might have enjoyed them. He painted beautiful pictures of his homeland. I've wondered what happened to them over the years, and have never found out. He was a kind, sweet man who had a tinge of sadness in his eyes. I loved and respected him for being kind, gentle, strong, and committed to passing on his love of Norway to me. Again, I am better for having known him even if he didn't actually fight in any war. He fought the war at home by doing what he could to make up for his son's mistakes. I know what it feels like to be in that position, now. Great-Grandpa Eric showed me the way.

My mom's dad, like my dad's dad, had a tragic life. I don't know if he served or not. I know he saw me once when I was two-years-old. He died shortly afterwards. Once upon a time I ran across a negative of him sitting in his pajamas looking so forlorn. The image is seared in my brain. The stories that I've heard are of an alcoholic, who was preyed upon by the men in his town, losing everything to gambling and drink; his wife, children, home and business. He is recognized as being intelligent and sensitive when he was sober, but he couldn't overcome his illness. It was years later when I was sitting in a UW-Madison Nutrition class that I discovered the reason behind so much of his behavior. It's one of those moments that takes on an other-earthly aura. A sentence in my book, literally, lit up, "Pernicious anemia combined with alcohol creates insanity." I highlighted it and ear-marked the page. After I rushed to my apartment, I called my mom and let her know that Grandma was right; the reason for Grandpa Tollakson's erratic behavior were because he was sick. Nobody ever realized what that he had a chemical imbalance that created the woes in his life and the lives of his family. I love the man. His life has taught me there are those who will take advantage of the weakest with no regard for the safety and sanctity of the families involved. He lived to voice his regrets, and I try to avoid his mistakes and become someone he would enjoy and be proud of.

My Grandpa Corbin married my mom's mom when he was 42-years-old, and she was a 52-year-old widow. Mom had to talk her into marrying him because of the age difference. They were married for over 35 years. I know I saw pictures of Grandpa Corbin smartly dressed in his military uniform. He was a loving, doting grandpa who could "talk your ear off and carry it down the road with him." I used to go with him in the early mornings when he set out to do a few plumbing jobs; and then, stop for coffee with his friends. We spent days together while he went from one job to the next. Every location was grand; schools, homes, farms. Schools were fun because the janitors would open up the gyms and let me play while Grandpa worked. Homes were fun because the ladies would treat Grandpa and me to some home-made treat. On the farms, I was allowed to wander in the barns and around the animals. Grandpa taught me how to fish, and we did that a lot, too. Grandpa Corbin was wholesome, loving, funny, and a rock. He died in his seventies and was imparting his wisdom right up until he decided when they should turn off his machines. He bravely faced his death and changed my mind about being hooked up to machines to extend my life. He did it so that his family could make it to the hospital to say good-bye. It was a selfless act that reminds me how much he loved all of us. My children knew him well and saw him in his last days.

Grandpa Corbin's dad was a hoot! I don't know if he was a Navy man or a Merchant Marine or both; but everyone should have at least one person in their lives like this man. He had it all; the grizzly voice, the tattoos of a ship and Hawaiian hula dancer (that he could make move by flexing his muscles), a stubbly beard, and a genuine love for Professional Wrestling and Roller Derby. Sitting on his knee watching the "Russian Bear" his old black-and-white TV and yelling for our hero to get up remains one of my greatest memories. He was absolutely endearing because he was so rough and manly, yet I knew that I melted his heart; I saw it in his eyes. Great-Grandpa Corbin taught me to enjoy the "characters" in life and to become one; lovable characters add spice to life and are just plain fun.

The grandpas I knew all had one thing in common; they never raised their voices to me. They corrected my mistakes and taught me how to improve. We cheered together. We hugged. I sat on their laps and was safe from the entire world because I knew they would protect me to their dying day. They smiled when they saw me and made me feel special. Isn't that what we all need?

So this is the most revealing bit of information that I think I've ever provided about my four grandpas and two great-grandpas. I share because I think there might be something to learn from each of them. I share because maybe it will do someone else some good, and this would make all of them happy. Six little profiles from one little life that might just make someone else feel a little less alone.

My wish for this Veteran's Day on this very special date is that we can create a world without war. I'd like this to include the wars we wage on each other when we are angry, hurt and scared; the wars politicians engage in while campaigning and politicking; the wars based on religious beliefs; and the wars we create within ourselves as we struggle through our lives.

My wish for today is World Peace. Maybe the power of November 11, 2011 (11/11/11) and a full moon will help with my wish.

Peace be with you.

It's My Birthday! - November 8, 2011

It's raining outside, and my homework awaits my continued attention. The house is quiet and dark. The only sound is of an occasional car and raindrops hitting the house. Oh, and the refrigerator buzzing away behind me. This is my kind of day.

This year's focus is simply to choose to be happy and focus on those people, creatures, and things that bring me joy. I'll try to do a better job of staying in touch with the friends who make an effort to stay in touch with me. I'll accept what life has to offer and continually look to the future and how I can improve it. I will exercise self-discipline in more areas of my life. I will have a good year.

I am having a good birthday. It officially started on Sunday and is continuing very nicely.

On Sunday, I was first in line to buy a new, 32" TV for under $200. I got one! It is our first flat-screen TV. We're still working off of an antenna and Netflix, but now we can get rid of some of the huge TVs that are taking up space.

From the store, I went back home to do a bit of cleaning before going to the church for my childcare job. I was able to calm two crying babies and make their parents feel good about our childcare services. I was also able to give an ear to my co-worker who is recovering from pneumonia.

After church I came home to GL and the grandgirls. They were absolutely fantastic. Big Girl was so happy for me. She makes me so happy simply because she loves me so much. GL told me that Little One went looking for me (I was at work when they arrived) and calling, "MeeMa, where are you?" Little One has been more reserved than Big Girl. She'd only said, "MeeMa," twice before Sunday. When I walked in the door on Sunday, Little One greeted me with a loud and cheery, "Hi MeeMa!" This was followed by, "Up. Up. Up, up, up, up," with her arms stretched up to me. Really. Could I ask for a better birthday present? Maybe, but maybe not. The grandgirls did give me presents; two pair of goofy, fuzzy socks and a Santa that moves his feet when he sings, "Here comes Santa Claus." What perfect presents from my grandgirls. Big Girl has noticed that I have Santas up in the house year round, and I know she decided to add her own to my collection. She also broke in one pair of socks and insisted that I put on the other pair. We blew out birthday candles four times because Little One just wanted to do it again and again. There was no cake, but none of us need cake. It was a lovely day.

Later on, GL gave me her present. I was blown away. She picked out a fun, "hippy" bag for me. I'm using it already. She also presented me with a beautiful, green, ring box with a shiny, gold clasp. Inside the box was my baby bracelet! I didn't even know that it still existed. There is was, "Girl ..... 11/8/59." Well, of course, I'm verklempt. How cool. How many people my age have their baby bracelet? It's pink with little flower pegs that hold it shut; old-fashioned and sturdy, just like me, huh.

GL told me that BB thought I needed underwear, so he was actually thinking of buying me some. Ewwww! Good intentions, but, "No." I know his heart is in the right place. I had to call him, tease him, and let him know that what I need is for the laundry to be folded and taken upstairs; there's plenty of "undergarments" in the laundry. Goodness. LOL

When I got home on Sunday, I started in on my homework. I didn't last long. I fell asleep on the love seat, and BB woke me up. I was pretty grouchy and grateful.

Monday morning started with a Birthday Breakfast at a good friend's home. She made me a great breakfast served on fine china. Because these friends have played such an important part in my life this past 18 months, I took them birthday treats of my own. There were symbolic treats; two skeleton keys with a heart-shaped handle and a handle that reminded me of binoculars. Of course, they had presents for me; a beautiful candle purchased from a store that helps Third-World countries, some of those puffy things for the shower, and two cards with surprises inside. After breakfast and presents, we all did a dance to "ABC" by the Jackson 5. Can't tell you how great it was to start the day with good food, good friends and dancing. Their friendship is the best present of all.

I left my friends' home and headed to get some cream. I found a very, very light purple rose at the store. It was the closest thing to a blue rose that I've ever seen, so I bought it for SA. Like her, it was unique, beautiful and appreciated. I took it to her house as a surprise, and we had a little chat before I left to go to the beach. Birthday surprises are the best.

The sky and water at the beach was a soft, fuzzy, light blue. I sat there and thought about Big Girl because her favorite color is light blue. Of course, I thought of all the people around Big Girl, too. I focused on being happy and being a good role model for every one's benefit. I focused on letting go of my anger and hurt; becoming more like my saintly grandma. It was awesome.

When I got home, I started in on the homework again. This is where I stop because my homework needs to be done. It is not as warm and fuzzy as this post, but it is important. I'm learning a whole new way of thinking and communicating thanks to my decision to major in Paralegal Studies. It's good to have a ton of trick in my ("hippy") bag, huh.

My birthday wish for everyone is simple; health and happiness to you all.

Surprise!

Didn't really expect to be posting something tonight or any night for that matter, but seeing as I've popped by to peek; what the hell.

Interestingly, my "Two-Page Rashamon Paper" post is receiving a good bit of attention. I hereby give anyone who wants to use it for some school project complete permission to do so. It's actually nine pages long because I found it impossible to discuss four elements of Kurisawa's directing in that film in two pages. Seriously. Oh, and I'm pretty sure my instructor never read it and lost it along with all the other Rashamon Papers that were handed in... AND HE gave ME a B in the course. As Red Foreman would say, "Dumbass."

I'm so glad I've switched to Paralegal Studies. The best part of the DMD track at CLC is the iMacs; I've got one at home now. Fuckin' $2,700 worth of pure joy. Yippee! Unfortunately, not all courses related to Paralegal Studies work with iMacs, so I'm just going to have invest in a PC, too. Gee darn. So I'll be pretty well trained in both formats. That's gotta help, right?

Here's to the future which is already in progress as is evidenced (oooo - legal term) by the fact that I have already started studying for Intro to Paralegal Studies. I am ending here because tomorrow will start around 5am and end around 11pm. Man, I hope I can do this. We'll see how things go tomorrow, and based on these events I will know more - duh.

OK. To bed with me. To bed with you. Have a wonderful Monday, August 22, 2011. Don't know when the urge will strike me again, so until that time let's all just do our best in a compassionate, kind, understanding, and rather intelligent way. Remember to eat well, exercise, and sleep. Take a deep breath and calmly respond to anything which makes you uncomfortable or seems questionable. Have courage and keep plugging away. What more can I say? - Oh! I know! Good night!

#1 - "... and now that it's all over..."

GOODBYE
by Bernie Taupin & Elton John

And now that it's all over
The birds can nest again
I'll only snow when the sun comes out
And I'll shine only when it starts to rain
And if you want a drink
Just squeeze my hand
And wine will flow unto the land
And feed my lambs
For I am a mirror
I can reflect the moon
I will write songs for you
I'll be your silver spoon
I'm sorry I took your time
I am a poem that doesn't rhyme
Just turn back a page
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away

Here it is, Post 365. Somehow I thought it would feel more special. It doesn't. It feels like any other day. In fact, it feels like one of those grouchy, despondent days. sigh

So to quickly sum up what I've learned after a year of writing, I've learned that I'm still a work in progress. I've improved slightly over the past year. I lost fifteen pounds, started working out and meditating more, am eating more sensibly, and am concentrating on positive thinking more consciously.

I've met some wonderful new people over the past year and continued friendships with old friends. I've survived another rough year.

I guess I'm sad to see this go, after all. It's been a good run. I'm taking some time off; and then we'll see what happens as far as this thing goes. I know that very few people really read this thing, so I'll be thinking about that, too.

I've learned that thinking positively is very difficult for me. I am continually in the process of telling myself, "NO!", and moving on with forced positive thoughts or at least neutral thoughts.

I've learned that I will survive all the heartbreaks of the past years and all the years to come. I don't enjoy surviving them, but I do survive. It's so hard to think positively in these circumstances. sigh

Things that I knew before I started writing and remained the same are that it is very difficult for me to get started, once started it is very difficult for me to stop, exercise is good for me, eating healthier is good for me, and most importantly; I love my children and grandchildren and wish I could offer more to them financially.

I know that I am still lonely. I know that I don't trust adults. I know that I spend a lot of time not talking to anyone about anything.

I've learned over this past year that I have a knack for taking care of children and animals. I get very good feedback from their parents and from the kids and animals, too. It is something that makes me happy.

AS far as the unfinished stories about being an Extra and the Princess and Gadyen, well maybe I'll write them down on my own for my own. I don't know. The Extra stuff was pretty amazing. The real story of what happened during that time is tragic with a capital T. I still don't know where the Princess and Gadyen headed off to, but maybe some day I'll find out.

In all honestly, while I did get some great feedback on my writing skills and this blog, I don't consider it a grand success. It has served its purpose which was to break my writer's block. Now we'll see if I can do it without having an "immediate gratification" audience. I think I can because I got very little feedback written back to me, so I've established a pattern of writing expecting no input.

I am happy that I accomplished one goal during this year. I've also accomplished a few other life goals this year. I finally took Scriptwriting and Digital Video Editing. I finally took Yoga and T'ai Chi Chih, which is different from the T'ai Chi Chuan that I thought I'd signed up for; yet still good.

I'm still struggling to rebuild my self-confidence and positive attitude. It's been a really rough year, and it's going to continue to be rough for a long, long time. I'm battling heartbreak and grief. I'm in therapy twice a week to deal with some of it. Mostly, I try to stay busy or distracted; so that, I don't think about it. It's unbearable to think about most of the time. I try to focus on the positive aspects, but there are so many unanswered questions, so much meanness and hurt, and so few places and people to turn to as far as really expressing myself.

I am a work in progress. Life is a long journey. Those are the things that have sunk in this year. I wish I could be that angry cheerleader now, but I am tired, sad, and heartbroken. I thought I'd be in a much better place, have many more readers, and have found some amazing thing about me that I didn't know before.

I have to resolve not having money, losing out to people who have money and use it to defeat me and mine, and just being someone who doesn't fit in and doesn't want to fit in. I have to resolve my fears that my grandchildren will not know or appreciate me for who I am, and honestly, that not many people will appreciate me for who I am and what I am capable of if given support. I have to stop sabotaging myself, still.

I've learned that there is still so much to do, and I think I'm just closing my eyes, letting out a scream, and charging ahead. I have no idea if I'll be successful, but I know that if I don't try I might as well die.

Finally, I want the physical pain to stop. I just want to stop hurting because of my emotions or my physical injuries. I just want the pain to stop, so I'm focusing on figuring out how to make it stop, or at least, be able to bounce back more quickly.

To everyone who took some time to read this thing at some point or another; THANK YOU. Take care of yourselves, Everyone. Sweet Dreams. Peace.

#2: Wrap-Up - Part One

So let's get the dry stuff out of the way first. I started checking my "Stats" on a daily basis as soon as I discovered the tab.

I got very excited when my posts about Thor Hushovd more than tripled the number of people checking out my blog. I posted a link on the Cervelo Team site, the Thor Hushovd Fan Page on Facebook, and bicyclegroup.com. I did more marketing with that one, so to see that it paid off was nice.

I got very disappointed when I learned that a Norwegian cousin was studying technology and moved to Australia which coincided with my Norwegian hits disappearing all together and a surprising increase in my Australian hits. I think disappointed isn't quite accurate; I was mad, too. I knew about bots, so I always figured that some of my hits were automated based on buzz words and topics. I just didn't think that my entire Norwegian readership was this one distant relative and maybe a few other people. Ego bust and reality check.

By the time this thing is done, there will be a little over 7,125 hits for the year. That works out to approximately 20 hits/day. I have no idea how many of those hits are people who are reading the blog or are just bots bouncing around.

I do know that SA used to read my blog every day. I also know that GL and BB don't read my blog at all, and neither do 99.9% of my local friends. I've had a few family members read my blog for short periods of time and have actually severed relationships with some family members over what I've written. I've received accolades and compliments from distant friends and strangers about things I've written about. Other than that, I've received very little input on my posts.

My posts changed dramatically somewhere in the late summer/early fall of 2010 because, as I explained, my personal life was in upheaval and there were certain things that I was not willing to do in my blog, ie; reveal the personal lives of those I love in any depth, nor reveal my true thoughts and feelings on a whole slew of issues. I'd say the last half of writing my blog was less enjoyable because of this decision. It would have been nice to have a place to really write about the "real" story of what was going on. I think people sensed this and stopped coming by. One of the attractions of a blog like mine is eavesdropping on someone else's life. The information just wasn't juicy after one certain post that has been taken off the site, yet saved.

That particular post got both good and bad reactions. I decided to not have a relationship with my former-favorite aunt after she made her thoughts known to everyone in the family except me. I can honestly say that my life is getting happier since I decided not to have anything to do with most of my extended family. Most of my extended family decided not to have anything to do with me years ago, so I might as well accept it and move on; take the bull by the horns and decide that this is how I enjoy things. I don't really, but I have no control over other people, and if they're going to be uncommunicative, judgmental, ignorant, heartless people towards me; what do I need them around for anyway. Right? That decision only took me like thirty five years (35). Yeah, I've tried for thirty five years to regain some of these relationships. I've been laughed at repeatedly, called crazy, ignored, and simply been treated extremely unfairly by my blood kin in most cases; but not all.

I have two wonderful cousins who have stuck by my side throughout all of it. Thank you Danny and Joy. We don't really have a close relationship, but at least they haven't joined the rank and file. Should they decide that this is the best course of action for them, then so be it. I've given up caring about what other people think or do any more. See, I finally figured out that I deserve a happy life and if someone doesn't support my happy life, "Fuck 'em", right Danny and Joy? No drama here. Just the facts.

This latest sentiment is a result of a year's worth of writing about stuff. It's a fantastic revelation. While I still get hurt terribly by what damaged people say and do, I'm working on becoming more resilient and hopefully the chest pains and other physical pains associated from being stabbed in the back, maligned and ignored will disappear as I focus on shielding myself from other people's silliness. My time is too valuable to be wasted on fucked up people. At least that's what I keep telling myself. This too is a result of writing every day for almost a year.

I've gotten in touch with my anger and have decided that anger is better than depression, so I'm using my anger to go forward. I've decided to study law. My plan is to study paralegal studies, get a job as a paralegal and if possible continue studying the law by either getting my law degree or doing a fantastic job of research for whatever firm I work with. I want to know the law more than I want to create art, right now. I need to know the law. I will go even deeper in debt as a result of this decision, but so be it. It's my life, and for the first time I feel driven to learn something other than art, as in theatre, dance, fine art, crafts, writing, and whatever else falls into the very general art category. I really want to learn the law. I want to help myself and others with my knowledge of the law.

The motivating factors for this decision are many. Many of the stories that I've heard in my Domestic Survivors Group have fueled my desire. The way I've been treated by lawyers and the legal system has certainly fueled me on. Note to all lawyers who think I'm stupid, etc., "I'm coming out knowledgeable and focused on helping women, children and the disabled with a little dose of Intellectual Property Law insight to boot. Nobody is going to doubt my strength, intelligence, and sanity again; nor will they use it as a way to put me in my place and demean me. Better stuff your arrogance and attitude; I won't take it any more."

It's writing like the above quote that spurred my aunt to say that I have delusions of grandeur. Everybody likes to be an armchair psychologist. I have no delusions about the amount of work it's going to take and the financial obligations that I will be responsible for.

I also know that I'm going to NEED to know the law because of "certain factors in my personal life that I have chosen not to write about." For everyone who know what I mean by that; I'm preparing to spend every day til the day I die making things as right as they can possibly be. Many lives actually depend on things changing for the better, so I'll take up the task and do my best. I'll build a team of support. I know I'm not alone in my thinking and appreciate the support from those whom I admire and love more than anyone else on the face of this Earth.

See, I've finally just admitted to myself that as long as my son and his girlfriend love me, all is right with the world. As long as BB and SA continue to be the wonderful people that they are, I can do what I need to do to help the other people in my life who need more of my help. I am so lucky to have BB and SA in my life. I don't care about any of the mean people when I have a chance to be around them or just talk to them. They will be moving on soon, so I'm going to spend the next year and a half enjoying their presence; so that, when they go on their way I can wish them well and be happy for everyone. I can break it down to one person loving me as enough to motivate me to be the best I can be. I know that there are more people who love me, but for me right now, that person is BB. It has been different people at different times of my life, and sometimes animals have been the one who loved me when all seemed lost. It only takes one for me. I'm lucky.

Oh, and I guess really, the one is me. Yeah, you read right. That's the most important thing that writing for almost a year has done for me; I've fallen in love with myself again. I'm learning how to support my happiness and health. I'm engaged in my own life after years of putting everyone else first. It's a mixed bag of tricks, but I'm in for the long haul.

Yeah, this blog saved my life and my sanity. That's a bit of all right, huh.

#3 - "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

Yes the title of tonight's post comes from Al Franken's character, Stuart Smalley. Just think, the man who created Stuart Smalley is now one of our country's representatives. I like Al Franken quite a bit. I'm glad he won. I wonder how he's handling Washington, and how Washington is handling him. I'll check later.

Tonight I am with my family and friends in Wisconsin. It is election night all over the country, but my heart and thoughts are in Wisconsin. It's too early to tell what the results will show, so I'll move on to my world.

Yesterday was a mixed day; rough and wonderful. I made it through the rough parts thanks to being able to get an earlier appointment with my therapist, remembering the wonderful moments, sleep, and some great conversation with BB and SA. Day done. Moving on.

Today, I have done many good deeds and been rewarded with nine instances of "You're a good person." One instance was literal and included a hug. I was surprised at first when SA opened her arms gesturing that she wanted to hug me. I thought maybe something bad had happened during her day, but she just said she wanted to hug me because she thinks that I'm a good person; and that, we all need to hear that sometimes. The other eight included at least a "Thank you", and in some instances included hugs and more words. This is pretty great especially after the rougher moments yesterday.

It's funny how life works sometimes. Yesterday I was ready to give up completely, and today I'm re-energized and motivated to go forward with my plans. I do remind myself of these times when I get down, and I'm glad that "The Universe" has been gracious enough to give me so many answers to my requests and examples of good people all around me. I'm going to start bringing the memories of these events to the forefront of my thinking each and every day. It's the least that I can do when "The Universe" is being so generous with me. I really didn't think I'd be having thoughts like this today after having such a difficult time yesterday. There will be more rough times ahead and more wonderful times ahead, so I'm going to just do my bit to nurture every bit of me; so that, I can continue to contribute positively to our world.

That's really about it. I've been having chest pains for a couple days, so I'm going to get myself to bed, do a little bit of reading, and get my rest. That night of getting only two hours of sleep is really slamming me. I really can't do that any more, nor can I continue to neglect my biological needs for food and water. Enough.

So the third post until the end is almost over; only two more to go. I can tell you that when I have posted this blog's final post on April 7th, I will be taking at least a week off to think about my future and blogging. I need to concentrate on school until May 11th. I'd like to add artwork, pictures and video if I continue to blog. I'd like to focus on external topics and/or creative writing if I continue to blog. I'd also like to post on a less frequent basis if I continue to blog. It is also possible that I will start a new blog with a new title. At this point, I don't know if any of this will happen because I haven't decided if I will continue to blog or not.

Now the third post til the end is done. I feel like I should spend the last two posts wrapping up the year; a two-part post, if you will. Sweet dreams, All. I'm off to take care of myself.

4 What It's Worth

I'm so tired I have to remind myself how to type. A little bit of short hand for me:

1 United Center Extra Real Story
2 HP City Council Candidate
3 Hippotherapy/Stable
4 Doing something nice for me
5 Video project due 4/11
6 Boundaries
7 Think Good Thoughts
8 Lost fifteen pounds - Stick with diet and exercise and water
9 Sleep

That's it. If I list a number ten my columns will not be aligned. That's good enough for me. I'm going to bed. It's 6:44pm.

Three more posts to go. "I'm the happiest girl in the whole..." - Really, I am. Here's to a fantastic future.

OH! and "The Princess and Gadyen"! I miss them.

Good night. Peace be with you.

#5 - Ah Yeah... Riiiight.

So it's almost 4am on Monday. School starts back up today. I get to see GL, Big Girl and Little One in just a few hours. I've been up doing my Flaneur video project. I've completed a very rough cut; very, very rough. That's why I didn't post yesterday. I got sucked into the computer and just now am finally stepping away. C'est la vie.

That's all I've got. I'm going to get a few hours of sleep before I head out for a big day. At least I have a better understanding of Final Cut Pro. I'll probably be redoing my whole piece, but at least I know why, I think. We'll see after tomorrow's class. At least I like the music I put together. I used piano pieces by George Winston; The Black Stallion, Lights in the Sky, and Joy. I used portions of each song and mixed them together to create a mood for each part of the video - duh. Deciding on the music took a long time, but I'm happy. I might need to find more, though. I'd sort of like to make my piece longer than five minutes. Again, we'll see what the instructor says.

OK, now this is really it. I do have more to tell, but it's time for bed. Happy week to everyone.

I've learned that sometimes I prefer to be more involved in a different form of self-expression and completely forget about blogging. I'm taking note of it. I'm also taking note of how I can become so engaged in a project and completely ignore sleep. It's a bit obcessive and a genuine high. Oh well, at least I got over my fear and enjoyed myself for most of the day.

#6 - Lessons Learned Through Activities

Well, it's around 9:30pm on Saturday, April 2, 2011. I've had another full day.

The editing started on my Flaneur piece today. It was frustrating because I haven't done the reading I should have done; so guess what I'm off to do as soon as I post this.

I also needed to get music for the piece, so I headed to the library and got a box set of George Winston CDs that have almost all the songs that peaked my interest. I found "Forest", too; so now I have all the songs that I thought might work. Decisions, decisions.

I also thought I could use some still photos to add to the piece, so I headed to the stable to take a few "artsy-fartsy" shots. It was fun. It was good to be around the horses. The back end of the stable was silent, so I quieted myself and wandered freely taking shots of eyes, ears, hooves, hay, stalls, ribbons, grooming equipment, and more. It was a very nice hour.



I even had one horse bang on his stall after I left him. I seem to catch his eye every time that I'm there, so maybe he recognizes me. I went back to his stall and he put his head beside the bars and showed me where he wanted me to scratch; right behind his left ear. He's a beautiful white and black horse, and I don't know his name. That made me feel pretty good.

I've learned many things during my time at the stable and hippotherapy center. I think I'm learning to spot "wounded" people and not take so many things personally. I'm so used to putting the blame on myself that I forget that sometimes things just come out the way they do because the messenger is "damaged" in some way. I'm learning to step back and take a deep breath then refocus to doing what I can to calm the people who exhibit this behavior.



This is also good when dealing with horses, especially the high-strung variety. The stable is a very good place for me, and I'm going back tomorrow after church. I'm hoping that the lighting will be better; and that I can get more stills and video. From there, I'll be headed home to throw things together the best that I can.

BB helped me load the images on the computer, and now I have to edit them. I'll be using iPhoto for the first time. It looks pretty simple. There are some good shots, but I'm largely disappointed in what I got because they are blurry. I wouldn't use a flash in the stable, and half the lights were off. We'll see what I can conjure up.

I had a very enjoyable evening with friends. Dinner was great, and I got my first dose of The Princess Encyclopedia. Who knew there was so much info on all the Disney Princesses. I was also lifted up as usual. I always leave feeling so energized. I keep trying to remember when I first met these friends, and I think it's been almost a year. It's been a good year.

So now I am home. I want to go to bed and read. Going to grab a large glass of water and go for it.

Thus ends the sixth post before the end. Today I focused on learning to quiet myself, not whine, see what I can do for others, and handle my own worries myself. I'm continuing to confirm that low blood sugar really does change the way I view the world for the worse, of course. Here's to conquering my stubbornness and eating good, healthy, fresh food at regular intervals.

I was a bit of a pain in the arse for BB, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with all this new computer stuff; it's easier to ask him that try to find the info online or in a book. Yeah, I'm finally admitting that I'm a bit lazy, too. I've got to work on that one. Lazy leads to depressed, disappointed, and demented. How's that for a theory?

Oops. Went to look at a possible picture for this blog, and got caught up editing the pics. It's two hours later. I better get to bed.

One thing that I've confirmed that I know about myself over the last year is that I have a hard time getting started, but once I get started, I have a hard time quitting; I get completely lost in creative projects.

#7 - Gentle, Yet Firm or Why Post?

Tonight's post will address the many times during the past year that I didn't feel like posting but did anyway. Sometimes the posts said just that I didn't feel like posting. Sometimes they grew into something else. Sometimes I was feeling sick and/or tired. Sometimes I was uninspired. Sometimes it was a bad day, and I wrote about it and vice versa.

In any case, since tonight is another time when I don't feel like posting, I thought that I'd just sum it up.

Tonight I'm tired and having a few chest pains. I've posted about that before, too. I think it's just stress or maybe the way I was sitting in my chair while I watched the Director's Commentary on "Secretariat." (Everyone should see "Secretariat", in my opinion)

So what have I learned about these times when I posted in spite of my lack of inspiration and/or desire? I learned that posting was better than not posting for me. It may not have been better for my readership, but sticking to my goal of one post a day was a confidence builder even if the post sucked. I also learned that sometimes even though I didn't want to post that something marvelous happened while I was writing that really made me happy that I had buckled down and stuck to my goal.

I started to heal parts of myself that had been damaged throughout the years simply by sticking to a commitment that I made to myself. I know that I deliberately didn't post some days, and for those days I considered it a vacation or sick day. Everyone gets a few of those. I realized that this made my daily posting goal incomplete, and so I revised it to simply be that in 365 days, I would post 365 times aiming for a post a day. Being a bit gentler with myself helped me attain my goal. In other words, being nice and thus gentle with myself meant that I could still firmly guide myself in the right direction and not hurt myself; I also learned how to be like my grandmas who were gentle, yet firm.

This leads me to a conversation that I had with SA tonight. I know that she won't mind completely if I share it.

Basically, dear SA has been told that she is under too much stress and must change her lifestyle. She's very fit, sleeps too little, has terrible eating habits (as in, doesn't eat regularly throughout the day, works many hours, is in school full-time plus, and takes on the responsibility of helping her family and friends whenever possible in whatever way she possibly can. SA is a fantastic woman who takes better care of the people around her than she takes care of herself. Sound familiar? She is also willing to beat up on herself when she doesn't perform up to her own standards and/or lets someone down. Sound familiar, again?

We talked about the importance of eating on a regular basis, getting enough sleep, and generally how to be kind to ourselves. I explained that I wasn't lecturing because I share many of her habits and behaviors. I still cannot make myself eat breakfast, exercise regularly, sleep enough, and generally follow a structure.

I also explained a bit of my internal world of change. As I told SA, I often have to play Mom to myself and am learning to be my own best friend. I described the internal conversations that occur when I'm trying to convince myself to eat and readily accepted that it sounds rather "crazy"; and that, this is the reason that I rarely talk about my internal life. SA listened as I explained that I had taken up the role of Mother when I was three, so changing my thinking and behavior is pretty hard. Given that, I decided that I'd just have to Mom myself as well as I Mom everyone else. I couldn't possibly give it up entirely, nor do I think that I should. I just need to love myself as much as I love my kids, friends, family and pets. It's more difficult to do than write about, that's for sure.

I also explained that I used to beat up on myself more than I do now; and that, I consciously have been working on changing that. The result is that I am happier and being more productive. Shock! I told SA that I know that it's hard to change old habits because I'm in the midst of doing it, and I believe that it's leading to a better life for me and all the people that I love. From my standpoint, the self-abuse that I was good at is a result of the Domestic Abuse that I was party to in my past. My therapy groups have taught me that it is very common for people who have been abused to continue the abuse themselves through the way they talk to themselves. Given this knowledge, I decided that if I won't tolerate abuse from anyone any more that means that I am not allowed to abuse myself, either. This was a revelation and the change in my focus and behavior has resulted in a happier and more productive, less stressed out me.

I was trying to encourage SA through my own experiences and shared struggles. I'm here for her, and I'm sure that she knows that. I also explained that I don't always get it right, but that starting is the important thing because like all things that require practice to improve; things will get better with time and repetition.

I hope that I was able to help her on her way. I know that she will have successes and fall short in her opinion. I just hope that she continues to feel comfortable talking to me about both her successes and short-comings. It's easy to hide the let downs from other people and nurse them into a relapse of self-deprecation. I know. I've done it for years. When I was SA's age, I never heard the things that she's hearing now. The information wasn't out there. People didn't talk about such things to people my age or younger. I wonder what would've happened if I'd had that info. I wonder what I would've done with it. Oh well. What's done is done, and I'm focused on right now and the future.

By the way, I cried about Beau today, too. He always reminded me of a horse the way he pranced when we walked. Watching "Secretariat" reminded me of Beau, my doggie-horse. I know. I'm .... oh yeah .... no self-deprecating comments .... wonderfully imaginative? Yeah. That's it.

So, here we go. We're headed down the stretch. We're in our last week. I can't stop smiling about this one. I wasn't sure that I'd make it. It used to seem so far away. Just like Secretariat; it's gone faster than anyone could've imagined.

"Oh Happy Day... " You People really need to see this film. Take a deep breath, look at the beauty, remember the times or learn about them, enjoy a little bit of history through a pretty good film with some pretty good acting and directing and great cinematography ... and lots of heart and horses. Come on. What's not to like. Put your critic to bed and just relax and enjoy. Share a bit of my love for this great stallion and lady. You'll understand a bit more about me if you do. You might be inspired to do something that you thought that you couldn't. Who knows.

Here's to posting when I didn't feel like it. Sometimes the post lifted me up and my words were the words I would share with a friend or beloved family member; they were always words that taught me something about me and helped me become a better friend to myself. This blog has helped me love me more. I needed that more than anyone knew. I'll leave it at that for now.

Thus ends the seventh post until the end. Six more posts to go. Wonder what will happen this week. Can't wait.

Beau

On March 31, 2011 at approximately 5:30am, Beau died at the foot of my dad's bed. His death was unexpected. The first sign that he was not feeling well came around 9pm on Wednesday the 30th; eight and a half hours later, he was dead. It has been just over twenty-four hours since he first became ill, and sixteen hours since he died.

Our whole family is in shock and has spent the day crying, talking, and staring off into space trying to get our bearings back. We know it will take time. We miss him terribly.

I don't live with Beau, nor do I live in the same town as Beau. I used to live about ten minutes away from him, but now I live three hours away. Except for my children, I've spent the least amount of time with him.

He's lived with my mom, dad and brother since the day he was rescued from a wonderful shelter in what used to be "our" area. Eventually, my mom, dad, and brother moved back to our old "hometown" three hours away. I stayed put. Then my brother found the love of his life, got married and wisely decided that Beau would continue to live with our mom and dad. Beau lived with Mom and Dad for about a decade. He relocated with them.

It's kind of a Marley and Me moment, I guess. I could go on and on about all the times that Beau comforted us, the trouble he got into, the few mishaps he endured because of us, the joy he brought into our lives, what a pain in the ass he could be at times because he was constantly trying to herd us around and be the alpha male, and how good he felt when we laid down together for a nap. I could go on and on about his smile, his bark, his prance, the way he always seemed to be at the door before I arrived for a visit, and how he saved my sanity numerous times by taking off with me on a walk to the lake or just in the neighborhood. I could go on and on, but honestly; it just hurts a bit too much right now.

I'm feeling very selfish. I just can't stop thinking that he's never going to greet me again when I show up for a visit. He's never going to the lake with me again. I'll never see his prance while we're on a walk. He won't lay down beside me and fall asleep with my arms around him ... and ... If I'm feeling this bad, just imagine how badly my mom, dad, brother and sister-in-law are feeling because they saw him every day.

If I had occasional thoughts that he was my favorite family member, imagine how many times Mom, Dad, my brother and his wife may have had a few of the same thoughts and feelings about Beau. Humans and Family can be difficult at times, and Beau was just so damn smiley and bouncy. How did he make everyone feel so special all the time? Beau represented his canine brothers and sisters very well. He represented all pets very well. I wish more humans were like Beau. I bet I'm not alone in my thinking.

It doesn't get any easier to say good-bye, so I'm going to keep you alive through stories and memories. Dammit, Beau, the timing on this one really sucks. Who the hell am I supposed to talk to about this one? You know what? It will be OK. I'll just pretend that I'm you and listen to the people who saw you every day because they may just need someone to listen to them like you used to. I don't know if they'll turn to me, but if they do; I'm at the ready just like you always were. If you don't mind, I might bother you from time to time with a few thoughts of my own, just like I would even if I wasn't visiting. I used to think about you a lot, you know. You sure were a good friend, Sir. So when you see Kamir, Crystal, Zoe, Theo, Harley, Bogie, and Milo please give them one of your more radiant smiles and enjoy their company. You are in good company. Our family has been blessed by great animals. You're all the best of the best in my book. I'll do my best to not miss you too much and think of all our happy times. I'll tell Big Girl and Little One some stories about you. They like stories.

Rest in Peace, Beau.

#9 - Completion and a New Beginning

The number nine has many different meanings and associations in cultures and religions around the globe. In Numerology it is the number of finalization and more. I'd always thought of nine as the number representing completion. The following is a link to more information regarding the number nine than I ever imagined existed:

Properties of the Number 9

The nine planets of our solar system are mentioned in the above link noting that Pluto isn't a planet any more. This was horrifying news back on August 25, 2006, at least to me it was horrifying. Pluto is "MY" planet. I am a Scorpio and Pluto was my reigning planet. My favorite Disney character is Pluto. I was and am still tied into Pluto, but in the interest of accurate science I have accepted Pluto's fate and new classification as a Dwarf Planet. The following link is to a video from the Spitzer Science Center at Caltech that enjoyably explains why Pluto is no longer a planet:

Why Isn't Pluto A Planet Anymore?

Things keep changing, of course, and now there are reports of new planets being discovered that may be able to sustain human life. So while nine may symbolize completion to some, with ever completion there is a new beginning.

This leads me to the real subject of today's post. I have completed one phase of my life and am moving on to another with help from SA and BB. At this very moment or within a few moments, SA and BB are purchasing a new iMac 27" desktop computer and the Final Cut Pro software, Adobe CS5 Production Suite software, Microsoft Office for Mac 2011 software, and the Protection Plan. It is a HUGE step on my part. It is the single largest investment that I have made for my future and BB and SA's futures, too. It took a lot of thought and a GIANT leap of faith, but I've sent them to do their best. If all goes according to plan, we will also receive a FREE printer, if they still have any in stock. I'm still freaking out a bit when I think of the amount of money that I am spending, but it is a wise investment, or so I tell myself. What's done is done, and as a result, I will own a wonderful new computer with all the software and licenses that I need right now to really get going on finishing the Log House project and any other projects that I choose to put together in the future. There are more "gadgets" to purchase like an external hard drive and a break-out box, and I will be ordering those shortly. We will have an office equipped with the latest in video editing and document creation software in a computer that has 1T (1 terabyte) of internal hard drive memory. I am holding my technological geeky self in check right now. This is a HUGE New Beginning. I have completed my days working on PCs with questionable functionality that are prone to virus attacks and stalking programs. One of the beauties of MACs is that Apple is highly security conscious; thus, MACs rarely get viruses. So off I go into the world of proprietary software and heightened security that are both a part of being a MAC user.




I will keep this laptop around for those times when BB and SA are editing, and I want or need to get on a computer. Still, BB has a MacBook Pro, so maybe in the future I will cut my ties with PCs all together. Besides, the PC that I'm working on doesn't have the Microsoft Office Suite, and even though it has the FREE Open Office software; I haven't figured out how to use it completely or how to send documents that other computers can open. Looks like I'm about to become a MACwoman.

So that's it for the ninth post before the end of this blog "as we know it." If all goes well, tomorrow's post will be written from my new computer. It's all about Completion and a New Beginning today.

#10 - Zen and the Art of Home Deranging

So I'm sitting here trying to decide a new layout for our office. Turning this way and that trying to visualize the gray bookcase over on the wall by the light switch, the desk with the pull-out keyboard tray turned around and placed by the wall where the gray bookcase is now; or maybe putting the desk with the pull-out keyboard tray next to the matching work table over by the window. It's overwhelming.

I walk through our home and think of how I'd like to have it set up. I'm never satisfied. Besides, before I go ripping up the house again with my "deranging" efforts, it's obvious that the whole place needs a thorough cleaning. I know that my thoughts about "deranging" our home are part of my procrastination efforts. I'm very good at procrastinating.

All of a sudden I'm looking for our tape measure. It's not where I remember putting it who knows when. A sewing tape measure is there instead. This is a passable substitute, but now I want our tape measure. I want designated rooms for designated purposes. I want easy access to our tools. I want a full day to myself to "putz" in our home to make changes. This could be the day.

It makes sense to spend today focusing on cleaning and deranging things. I have to focus on cleaning first, though. I six boxes and two garbage bags in our office to go through and organize. Oh, I have two piles, too. Loard. Talk about sapping my energy; the thought of the amount of clutter around me makes me want to go to bed and curl up with my blankie.

"NO!" I think to myself, "Sleeping will not solve the problem. Avoiding the challenge will not do any good. Writing about it doesn't seem to be helping, either."

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to start in our "back room", the entry to our home, with basic carrying down to the basement. When in the basement I can start more laundry and fold what's there. Then there's the kitchen; it needs a basic cleaning. The good thing is that BB mopped the floor on Sunday, so I'm ahead of the game, so to speak. BB's bedroom is his to figure out. I will keep my thoughts out of there. Moving on to the living room, I want to move the wicker, arched bookcase over by the entertainment center for starters. The whole room needs revamping, but that's not going to happen until school is over this summer. My bedroom is a mess and needs a thorough cleaning. That really shouldn't take too long since it's very small. Which leads me back to the office that I've already mentioned the amount of work needed to be done there. Yep, I'm feeling overwhelmed.

So what have my fifty years taught me about such things? Zen and the Art of Home Deranging; slow down the mind, remain unattached to the amount of work to be accomplished, eat, hydrate, listen to my body, work and rest, put on some good music or a standard movie for enjoyable white noise, breathe and just do the mundane; trudge if I have to, continue to move forward, and push through the pouting. Zen and the Art of Home Deranging can be very, very enjoyable. New ideas, better ideas can crop up as a result. Stay focused and complete each task; so that, at the end of the day the home isn't in worse shape than it started out. Try to work, off and on, for twelve hours, at least. Enjoy the process more than the final outcome. Remain focused on functionality rather than emotional attachment to things; this means "you" limed-oak finish, twin, sleigh bed. Some decisions will hurt momentarily, but clarity will take over and if lucky, increased happiness will result. Oh, and thinking about it and writing about it does not make it happen. I am not Samantha Stevens, no matter how much I'd like to be, so moving in the physical world is a mandatory part of life and accomplishing goals. The goal is to work, focusing on each task while not thinking about the end result; the goal is to stay in "The Now." Don't you hate that term? I do. Letting go of that emotional response while focusing on each task is a goal, too.

I have so many little "demons" that pop up when it comes to working in my home. They're silly, stupid, childish bits of resentment and pain that seem to really make themselves known when I am alone faced with "doing something" about my living environment. The only way I've found to "handle" them is to have an internal dialogue between my "Mom-self" and my "Child-self." Other people do this, too, right? Oh well, if they don't. It's what works for me. A tender, understanding Mom soothing a distressed, angry Child while firmly encouraging action. I'm sure I ran into this practice somewhere during my therapy sessions over the years.

SHIT! I forgot to go to therapy last night! Damn. Blame it on Spring Break and a glorious day yesterday with GL, Big Girl, Little One, BB and SA. Guess that was my therapy, but now, I mean NOW, I have to make a few phone calls; and then, I will start today's version of Zen and the Art of Home Deranging because tomorrow is a very special day, and I want to be ready for it.

#11 - Technology: Good or Bad?

Eleven is a power number in Numerology. I'm one of those people who notice when it's 11:11 on the clock especially if I'm waking up, going to bed, or something striking has happened. There are some who prescribe to making wishes when they see 11:11. The eleventh day of the eleventh month is when we honor veterans in this country because the Armistice between The Allies and Germany (World War I) was signed on November 11th at 11:11. The "war to end all wars" wasn't really; so much for the power of 11:11. In some ways this may be comforting if a person considers that the whole "end of our world" thing that's suppose to happen on December 21, 2012 is to happen at, you guessed it, 11:11. In binary code 1111 represents the number 15 which just another bit of trivial information unless you're into that kind of thing.

It's the last bit of that paragraph that leads me to the rest of my blog today; technology. Well, the last bit and the residue from watching "The Social Network."

Here's the deal. I spend way too much unproductive time on my computer. I do this while smoking. I do this at the expense of my health. I ignore other activities that need my attention and efforts. While I'm not saying that writing this blog is completely unproductive, sometimes it is. Facebook is definitely a "Time Suck." Computer games while mentally challenging produce no money nor any real benefits, so they fall into the "Time Suck" category, too. All three activities are forms of escape for me with my blog being at lest somewhat productive because it at least I'm writing something every day. I consider both Facebook and the computer games I play to be a form of Mental Masturbation. The computer games are pure escape and a way for me to "be by myself in a meditative state", or so I tell myself; which is a load of bullshit. While it is great to keep up with friends from days past and places far away, Facebook is losing its appeal for me. I keep thinking, "There was a time before Facebook."

After watching the FICTIONALIZED story of Mark Zuckerburg's rise to billionaire status last night, I was struck by many things; but one of the most notable was that "This thing is addicting" and "A drug dealer couldn't give away free drugs at this rate." Aaron Sorkin is a brilliant writer. Those two lines are among many, many gems in "The Social Network." They are cutting like diamonds.

For a person who struggles with addiction issues personally and through a long family history, I have to wonder if Facebook is adding to the quality of my life or if it is taking away much of my life; or I should say, "Is my choice to spend so much time on Facebook ....." I acknowledge that I spend too much time on Facebook; and that, it really isn't adding to my productivity. This leads me to thoughts about what choice to make for my future which I'm still mulling over. At the least, I will be modifying and reducing the time I am on Facebook. At the most, I will be closing my account and leaving Facebook. I'm still thinking.

Another part of the movie that caught my ear was that there was a "coolness factor" that involved NOT having advertising on Facebook in the beginning. Well, that's changed. In fact, many of the posts I see, including mine, are some sort of self promotion. It is a "FREE" venue for self promotion, now. Shoot, the Dalai Lama even has a Facebook page, or at least his representatives are keeping one for him reporting his activities. Does the Pope have a Facebook page? I think the "coolness factor" has disappeared. At least it has for me.

It has given rise to immediate reporting of events and news articles and lent itself to information sharing that has played a part in history as evidensed by the amount of news I've gathered through Facebook about the Wisconsin protests for example. Facebook is a tool for "mass marketers" simply because of the number of people who are members. Facebook is a tool. Remember that derogatory comment from days gone past? Being a "tool" was not a good thing and probably still isn't. Again, I think and continue to re-evaluate.

I have to mention that I've had a tumultuous relationship with Facebook. I've added and dropped friends. My Blocked List is longer than my Friends list now. This tells me a lot. I am not "Friends" with my best friend in the area, nor am I friends with my children, other members of my immediate family, and a whole slew of other people with whom I have "real" relationships.

Speaking of which, Big Girl and Little One just arrived. We're headed to the Children's Museum! What a great surprise! Off to live my REAL LIFE!

Thus endeth the eleventh post until The End.

A Dozen Reasons

I've just finished watching "The Social Network" and am filled with thoughts. This is exactly what a movie is supposed to do. Even that raunchy little comedy with a heart, "Cedar Rapids", left me thinking. The one thing that is common among the thoughts is my love for film as an art form. It combines so many art forms. When it's done right, as in the case of these two very different films, it is all I need for breakfast, lunch, dinner and any snacks in-between. Film is my favorite art form.

1. It takes collaboration.
2. It combines art forms.
3. It is tangible, as in; you can hold the film in your hand.
4. Music
5. Lighting
6. Acting
7. Every subject under the sun can be presented in some form.
8. Dance
9. A whole group of people showing up each day and working together.
10. Messages
11. Writing
12. Escape

Those are just the brief beginning dozen reasons I love film. Like I said, maybe some day I'll write more about it all; but for now I'm just catching up on my blog posts again. I want to finish this thing on April 7, 2011.

I'm off to think some more while listening to Aaron Sorkin give his commentary on "The Social Network." Man, I love DVDs with Special Features. I eat them up. You'd think I'd be losing more weight than I am. Bad joke, I know.

TTFN Tigger!