What An Amazing Week!

I just got off the phone with my daughter after a morning of researching "Letting Go of Adult Children." Sometimes life is very serendipitous.

In case the "linkie thingie" at the top of my post doesn't work, I've found a wonderful blog, Zen In The Art of Living Bipolar, http://bpwellness.blogspot.com .
Even if you don't know anyone who is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I recommend this blog.

To recap my amazing week:

1. Saw my granddaughters on Monday after too many months apart.

2. Excelled in Digital Sound on Monday.

3. Found a safe place where I know I will be helped in my Domestic Abuse Survivors group on Monday.

4. Learned wonderful communication techniques in my NAMI Family-to-Family class on Tuesday night.

5. On Tuesday night, I was surprised by a request to be Project Manager by a woman whom I respect and who has transformed my life on multiple occasions. (I believe that I have used "whom" and "who" correctly in that sentence.)

6. Accepted Project Manager Position on Tuesday night.

7. Helped someone I love on Wednesday morning.

8. Attended my first Creative Meeting in over seven years on Wednesday afternoon.

9. Received another amazing phone call from my boss that has helped me in more ways than anyone knows.

10. Attended Scriptwriting class and workshopped one of the best short film scripts that I've ever read which included defending my viewpoint to the entire class.

11. Successfully handled technical computer/email issues on Thursday resulting in a successful transmission of notes from the meeting and multiple emails.

12. Received a return phone call from my Digital Sound instructor that included an unsolicited Extension offer, understanding and encouragement.

13. Accepted the Extension offer, understanding and encouragement.

14. Thursday night, I posted 16 pages of my script for workshopping next week in Scriptwriting class. (May I add, "YIKES!"? Yes, I'm scared.)

15. Thursday night I also had a wonderful talk/venting session with SA that lifted my spirits, and hopefully hers, too. (BB mostly listened.)

16. Friday morning I followed up with a team member about emails and worked with her to solve IT problems. :D

17. Friday I also made my first mistake in my Project Manager position and owned it honestly and professionally, apologized and promised that I will improve. (This isn't difficult for me, but it certainly isn't fun to disappoint someone who has shown such faith in me and invested so much time encouraging me. I attribute this mistake to nerves and over-enthusiasm focused on NOT making a mistake. Live and learn - and incorporate the learning into future success.)

18. I wrote another page and a half of my script and made corrections on my script on Friday night, too.

19. Friday night also saw the start of another crochet project for an upcoming birthday. (I'm flying on this one. Could have it done in a matter of days!)

20. Did research on Saturday morning about "letting go" and bipolar disorder.

21. Received amazing hour and a half phone call from my amazing daughter followed by a few brief scheduling calls from her. (Yes, I do get my prayers answered! I am also confident that she is capable of handling her life because she is a wonderfully strong, insightful, loving, intelligent and sincere person.)

22. Received a return phone call from one of my favorite people and had a long over-due catch up session.

23. It is now Saturday afternoon, and I'm headed to the showers and to do a few hours work on my Digital Sound homework.

One last thing before I go. Even though BB is only mentioned briefly in this post, I need to make it officially known that he helps me so much in so many ways. I am so lucky to have such a compassionate, insightful, patient, communicative, intelligent, creative, hard-working, and loving son.

People, it's been an amazing week. I am now focused on SUSTAINING Our Successes.

That's Right!

Welcome to a 5:30am, groggy post.

I woke up about an hour ago fighting my blankets and dripping in sweat. Don't be alarmed. I do this more often than I've related to anyone I know. I'm actually quite used to it. Not that it's a good thing. In this case, I figure my Domestic Abuse Survivors group really triggered some dreams or something because this time I was actually sore from my struggle. I don't remember what I was dreaming, or if I was dreaming at all. I just woke up, was hot, and got up because I could hear the wind whipping up.

We're supposed to have two days of nasty weather starting today. Right now it's cool and windy. Quite dramatic. I love the wind. Since I'm heavier now, I love the cool weather, too. This is a bit of all right.

Well, yesterday was one pretty big, important day. Three major things happened.

1. I got to see my granddaughters after not seeing them for three months and a week and four months and a week.

2. I talked to my Digital Sound instructor about why my attendance and performance has been what it has been and informed him of the reason why things were going to change.

3. I went to my first Domestic Abuse Survivors group session.

Seeing my granddaughters, as I previously wrote, was all about the warm fuzzies. My oldest and I played with her wooden train set to start out with. Then she wanted to know where the other birds were because she only found Buzz, the Buzzard (Beanie Babies). Well, I had to explain that her birds had gone to live in the basement for a while; and that, I would go down and get them all. After I did that, there was a joyous reunion between Buzz and Ozzie, the Ostrich. It was so heartwarming to see her play with the toys that she remembers being at MeeMa's house. She also made comment about the clouds in our living room. I told her that I painted them there for her ... and me and BB. When I asked her if I should add some fairies to the clouds, she thought that I should. She also thought that I should add some doggies and something else. When she saw her old Care Bears and Princesses balls, she wanted to go outside and play; so we did. Of course in the process, we woke up her little sister. Oops. We went out to play anyway, and let her mommy (GL) and BB tend to her sister. We had so much fun outside until BB came and asked if I would go upstairs to help with the grouchy one.

Well, this kinda made me nervous, but onwards and upwards - literally. I hadn't seen her in four months, so I just wasn't sure how she'd take me. Oh how she cried. Nothing would soothe her until I just got her dressed, grabbed a couple blankets and took her outside, too. Well, I can't completely say that. There was this moment when she calmed down for a bit while I cooed to her. She looked up at me with such big, sad eyes; and then, she did something that completely surprised me: she put her forehead against my cheek and nuzzled me. Most people I've met discount a child's memory prior to a certain age, but seeing as my first memory is from before I could walk; I ignore them. I am of the firm opinion that my youngest granddaughter did remember me in that moment. We'd had this one amazing time when she was about three months old when we locked eyes and looked into each others' souls for a good minute or two. A minute or two is a long time to lock eyes with anyone, but we sunk into each other. It was one of those "time stood still" moments that transported me and maybe her, too. When she looked in my eyes yesterday, it was with the same recognition. In fact, as soon as she heard my voice, she calmed down for a brief moment, so I've got to think that somewhere inside her a memory existed that told her that this woman, her MeeMa, was a good, loving, safe person.

As soon as I started downstairs, Little One stopped crying and started looking around. We went outside and walked for a while until I wanted to sit down. Since she was agreeable, I'm happy to report that we had a lovely time just being still and watching the goings on around us. There I sat bouncing my youngest granddaughter on my knee, letting her just take in the outdoors. That's when I checked her teeth. Sure enough, she's getting in her two top teeth. I sent BB upstairs to get a cold washcloth with a piece of ice in it and some baby carrots. Neither was put in her mouth, but they did supply some distraction. The chipmunks should've had a feast last night for all the carrots on the grass, but Little One was happy to play with them. She was so happy that she started clapping and "talking" to us. It wasn't long before I spread out one of the blankets and sat her down on it. She's crawling. She can move herself around quite well.

While all of this was happening, GL and her oldest played and played. It was so good to see them together again. GL is such a good Mom. Her oldest is quite clear that her mommy is Her Mommy and no one else compares. This, too, is wonderful to see.

When Big Girl and I started playing, GL played with Little One. Again, I got to see that mother/child bond. Of course, I'd seen it when I first got home and saw everyone. GL was sitting in our easy chair holding Little One, who was fast asleep. Seems Little One wouldn't lay down in a bed. She only wanted to be held by her mommy. Again and again, this fills me with such joy.

Well, like I said yesterday, I just basked in the glow of seeing my granddaughters for a good long while yesterday. As a result, I was happy enough to go out and buy a few inexpensive toys for them for the next time they come to MeeMa's house. An eight dollar bright, shiny, blue soccer ball because Big Girl's favorite color is blue and a mini-Playdough Fun Factory on sale for ten dollars were all I got for Big Girl. Little One got a couple teething rings that can be frozen or cooled, a musical rattle that's shaped like a piano and plays bits of Classical classics, and a cloth and wood stackable ring toy on sale, of course. MeeMa is frugal and discerning with her purchases.

Prior to seeing my granddaughters, I had the opportunity to talk with my Digital Sound instructor about all that's been going on in my life and the lives of those I love. He was so understanding.

I interrupted him as he was about to ask if I would like to drop the class with a firm, "I'm not dropping. I will do whatever it takes. Everyday. Here. Wherever."

He kinda gulped, took a deep breath, and proceeded to tell me what my first step was to get caught up. He headed to help the rest of the class, and I started on my project. God Bless my class for being behind like me. I mean it! The assignment that I was willing to take an "F" on isn't due until next week. Originally, it was due yesterday.

The best part of class was that as I completed each section, I would report to him; and he would set me on the next step. I worked quickly accomplishing each task. When he came to check my work, he was visibly impressed.

"OK. If you can knock out this part, you'll be in good shape," he told me pointedly.

I got one third of the assignment done in an hour. Only three people were in good shape when class started, so I was among many who were catching up. I held my own. Now this feels pretty fantastic. It's nice to surprise people with my skills because to look at me you wouldn't really think that computer/technical stuff is one of my fortes. Ah, that "never judge a book by its cover" thing rides again. In any case, I've found renewed passion, determination, and commitment to my Digital Sound class and school in general. Big moment.

Thirdly, my Domestic Abuse Survivors group is GREAT! It's heartbreaking, but I feel safe and like I'm in the right place. I've come to realize that even though I went through two years of therapy while I was going through my divorce, I never really internalized the necessary coping skills for dealing with abusive people and situations. I have never really valued myself the way I value others. I'm sitting in a room with women who have decided to learn how to value themselves and live a healthy, productive, loving life. My circumstances are not as dire as some in the group, for which I am grateful. I thought my heart would break when I listened to each woman briefly describe what had happened in their lives, and why they were in the group. I could go on about it taking me over twenty years to make this realization, or I could simply say that while the old, gray mare ain't what she used to be; she can still learn a few new tricks. I am so looking forward to learning all these new tricks. Besides, I'm not alone in the number of years it took me to arrive in the group. Seems there are many like me. I'm confident that I'll be a better person, Mom, and MeeMa as a result. I might just be a better friend, sister, and daughter, too. I can't wait to go back next week. I have only one regret, but I'll leave that in my privacy file for now. I've taken a wee bit of action on behalf of rectifying it, and we'll see if it is received in the spirit that it is given. For now, though, I know that I'm in the right place(s) for me.

Well, an hour and twenty minutes of writing is over. The predicted rain has started. The windows have been closed to a crack. I've even received a phone call and helped someone in the middle of all of this. Funny, the person I helped wasn't surprised at all that I was wide awake and answered my phone at 6am. Guess she knows me pretty well. I'm getting to know me pretty well, too. I'm starting to think that for some people the whole "getting to know yourself" thing takes place after the kids are raised and there is time to focus on one's own concerns. At least that's how it is for me. Might have been better if I'd learned a few things earlier, but well, we've covered that, haven't we.

Good Day, All. The sun is rising. The sky is a gorgeous shade of slate blue. The rain patters against the windows gently. The soft breeze lulls me into a journey back to bed for a wee bit more.

Thank You!

Well, today's been a wonderful day. I just got done watching Thor win the Worlds. Awesome!

My blog doubled it's hits today, so far. I posted it to the Cervelo Test Team site, http://www.bicyclegroup.com , the Facebook Group page for Forward @ 50, and the Team Hushovd page on FB, too. Of course, it was a special day and a focused post. It's been pretty cool, though. Nice to know there are so many Thor Fans in the world. That's the other thing, the blog has gotten hits from all over the world. I'm really very happy.

Tomorrow I'm back to Digital Sound to have my first assignment critiqued. Wednesday is Scriptwriting and individual conferences. Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow and Tuesday.... Oh yeah, gotta write some script pages. Yikes!

Can't say that every day from now on will be as exciting and wonderful as today was, but we'll see what happens.

Thank you to all the people who have been reading my random posts since the beginning, and thank you to the people who have showed up along the way. Of course, you're always welcome to continue stopping by to see what strange and silly thoughts are going through my head.

I do need to do an update on the whole goals list thing and finish The Princess and Gadyen story.

All's going well. Eating right, drinking water, could be exercising more, keeping the house clean, and doing the homework. Guess it will be back to the boring and mundane bits of life that I really do appreciate. Still, today was thrilling. Makes me wonder what else I might write that would interest people as much.

Thanks World. You really came through for me today.

Thanks Thor for setting such a great goal and achieving it. You continue to inspire and delight me.

To quote a great man, Mr. Edward R. Murrow, "Good Night and Good Luck."

Being Nice

I was talking with a friend yesterday about my choice to be a nice person. Their responses made me think about my choice for the rest of the day.

First they said, "Nice people get walked on", to which I responded, "I do what I want to do, and I don't do what I don't want to do." As I said the words, I knew that they weren't true. I knew that I've been walked on multiple times while doing things that I didn't want to do. I also knew that I've done things to help people because I wanted to help them even though I might not particularly like what I was doing or the time and effort it took to help. Still, by helping I was living up to my spiritual beliefs, so my reward was in the doing and not in the getting.

Secondly, they said, "Nice people finish last; they don't get anything." I responded that I didn't want anything. Well now, that's a bald-faced lie. There's plenty that I want. There's a whole slew of things that I want. It also brought up the whole "Doing -vs- Getting" issue.

I did tell my friend, "Being nice is a part of my spiritual belief structure. It makes me happy. I plan on living the rest of my days being nice because I intend to continue to walk my spiritual path."

My friend just said, "Oh."

It was the way that my friend said, "Oh", that is important, though. There was an acceptance of my choice. There was a calmness, and if I might be so bold, a loving air to that simple response.

So let's chalk one up for being nice, and let's define it a bit more thoroughly.

1. Being nice does not mean a person is unable to stand up for themselves. It means that they can do it in a nice way; firmly. "No," can be said in a very nice way and still means, "No." This will work most of the time with people who love and respect a person. Other measures may have to be taken with people who do not love or respect a person, or in the worst case, mean to do a person harm.

2. Being nice is not about throwing pearls before swine. The more difficult issue is determining if a person is dealing with a swine. There are plenty of charming and manipulative con artists in the world who make a lovely living off their victims.

3. Being nice is about being respectful and loving and using one's intellect and instinct. It is difficult, but through a lifetime of focus, a balanced approach can be achieved.

4. Being nice is about being nice to yourself, first.

I think #4 is the key. If I am nice to myself, first; then, I can make choices based on what I can and cannot do for someone else. I do not want to be a martyr. I do want to do good deeds, though.

So all day long, I was again thinking about my grandma while I did a bit of grocery shopping, clothes shopping, cooking, cleaning, and crocheting. My grandma was nice. She was also firm. She was a Second Grade teacher. She was a Christian. She did not gossip. She read her Bible at least twice a day. She changed with the times and according to the changes in her family. She was intelligent. She was a fierce Field Hockey player as a girl. She was the first in her family to go to college. She put her little sister through college because her father told her that she had to do it. She married twice and outlived both husbands. She understood her first husband, loved him, and had compassion for him that was ahead of her time. My grandma was ahead of her time in many areas. I never heard her raise her voice, nor has any member of the family that I've talked to ever heard her raise her voice. She liked some people and didn't like others. She did get mad. She turned the other cheek. She lived a peaceful, simple life. She did things that people didn't approve of and listened when they told her that they didn't approve of her actions. I've heard that her biggest flaw was that she didn't like confrontation and backed down too often. She worked from sun up to sun down when she had to and had wonderful vacations when she could. She could out go the Energizer Bunny and ran circles around me when I was five years old up until I was around forty years old. She was frustrated when her age prevented her from doing everything that she used to do. She loved me deeply and took the time to show it.

When I think about my grandma, I want to embody all her good qualities. I've always thought of her as a saint, but more importantly, I've seen her as a dignified, gentle woman who did stand up for what she believed in.

I watched her listen to a woman talk about how her husband had beat her. I remember my grandma's gentle words, "You have to leave. You have to leave and take your children." Grandma then let the woman use the phone to call her mother, and arrangements were made for the woman and her children to go there directly from my grandma and grandpa's house. I also remember that the woman's drunk husband came to the house, and my grandma lied and told him that she hadn't seen his wife and children.

About that time, my grandpa came home. Grandpa saw what was going on at his backdoor and offered to drive the man to his house after dinner. My grandma and grandpa had the man to dinner that night. They listened to him, did their Bible study without forcing anyone to join in with them, and lo and behold, the man opened up about how he'd been treating his wife. They listened some more, and suggested that the man might talk to his pastor about his mistakes. They suggested that he stop drinking because it didn't seem to be helping anything. They offered their support to his entire family. They told him that they wouldn't tell anyone what he had told them, but that he needed to get help because he was facing the loss of everything good in his life.

In about a week, the woman, her husband, and their children came to dinner at Grandma and Grandpa's house. While the adults played cards, the kids played. We all laughed and had a good time.

The next summer when I went for a visit, I played with the kids again and saw their parents. Everyone was doing fine.

I want to be the kind of nice that is wise, brave, caring and strong. I've seen what a person gets for being that way; priceless positive change. This is what I want out of life. I want the brains and heart that my "simple", country grandparents had.

I have failed so many times to be this kind of nice. The cost of my failure is immeasurably painful, and the only thing that gives me any hope is that I might be able to make amends and help turn situations around for the better. I realize that not all situations can be mended, nor is it my responsibility to mend them. I can, however, be a steadfast pillar of calm, loving, intelligent support. I can speak up for what I believe even when I'm told that people don't care. I can try. I know who I am now, and who I want to be in the future. It's all a part of my life's journey. I see it now. The only way to survive the heartache of my mistakes is to change my action plan; see the big picture and be the agent for change. It is time to put fear in its place and act upon all the good that is inside me.

It starts by being nice to myself, so I think that I will head off to do some laundry because my jeans are in the wash; and I'd like to go for a walk to the beach just one, measly mile down the road. I must remember what I thought when I left Topanga, "Here the ocean was just one mile down the road, and you locked yourself up in an 8 x 36 trailer all of those days. You silly, silly woman."

It is time to eat some breakfast, drink some water, and take care of me. I have homework to complete. I have housework to complete. I have so many things to complete today. It will be nice to take care of myself and my needs again today.

Short, Sweet and To The Point

It is time to change subjects.  That's right.  Only three days on Happiness.  It will remain the underlying theme, but more structure is needed.  Much more structure.

It's been up and down since my last post.  So up and down that I am emotionally exhausted, and kinda physically exhausted, too.  I don't really feel like sharing, so we'll all take the evening off.  I'll see if my plans for tomorrow yield a more dynamic post.

Ever get the feeling that you're sick of yourself?  I've heard that blogs are "all about me."  Well, I don't want that to be the case, so I'll be thinking about another approach while I put my "work day plan" into action.

On the Accountability thing:  ate pretty well, exercised while doing housework, socialized with neighbors more, and ate too much chocolate.  Dang chocolate.

Here's to a great week for everyone.  <3

Taking Action & Structure

Blogging with Purpose is my goal here. Yes, I am happy now because I choose to be. There are plenty of things going on to impede my progress, but as Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "If it's going to be; it's up to me."

Accountability helps me, so there will be brief postings about exercise, eating habits, important projects to complete, school, and looking for work. Here goes:

1. Today I have not officially exercised, but I have walked quite a bit while I was getting set up @ school. I plan on doing a bunch of housework, so I'm going to count that as my exercise today since I have many stairs to go up and down besides moving large pieces of furniture.

2. I haven't eaten today, and this habit needs to change, NOW! Oops. I've had seven Peanut M&M's, a large coffee, and water. NOT GOOD.

3. I did get my banking in order, cleared to sign up for classes for Summer Session, and some paperwork delivered to the Housing Authority.

4. I have not looked for work today. Will do that tonight.

I have a few things to accomplish today, and the first thing is to do some costume drawings. I have pushed this issue too far already.

There are plenty of reasons for me to be unhappy with my life. I do feel physical pain over a few of the issues, but I am still committed to being happy; so I'm putting everything in perspective, feeling good about my daily accomplishments, and looking forward with determination and confidence.

I did get to see my daughter today, and that makes me very happy. I am so lucky when it comes to my children and grandchildren. They are my springboard. I'm diving into the rest of my day.

Time to move Forward @ 50 - Time for some physical activity to get those "endolphins" jumping around in my bloodstream. Later Lovelies!

April 8, 2010 - It's About Time!

Around fifteen years ago, a co-worker suggested that I might do well to start a Blog. I didn't listen. He was right.

A couple of years prior to that an acquaintance warned me that a body's metabolism changed at thirty-five making it harder to stay slim and fit. I didn't listen. She was right.

Over the years there are plenty of bits of advice that I didn't listen to - at the time. Inevitably, most have proven to be true; and I have finally "made a loud popping sound." ... or so I think ... enough to write this ... so far ... dang!

OK, here's to "Better late than never."

My 50th Birthday was this past November. I decided to be happy about this because my father gave me such a good example of how NOT to handle your 50th Birthday. He was a genuine pill, so I had to push his biggest button first with a big "Happy Birthday, Dad!" at 12:01am. In honor of the art of "making a loud popping sound", I decided to be happy just like he always replied to my consistent question, "What should I be when I grow up?"

"Happy," I've muttered over the years, "What the Hell is THAT! Damn Dad. Happy. God-damned, son-of-a-bitch, stupid ..." Well, you get the point.

He didn't make it easy, either. I told him I wanted to be a dancer, and he replied, "Well, that's a nice hobby; but what are you going to do to make money?"

"You said that you just wanted me to be 'Happy'!" I countered, and the room was silent. I made my dad hang his head. That made me happy.

He always wanted me to be a lawyer, but I didn't want to argue for a living. He suggested Sales and Marketing, but I didn't want to sell things. When I went back to college to get my Theatre Degree, my father and my mother supported me. That made me happy.

It made me even happier because I was a single mother of two small children, so I was flying in the face of convention; confident that I would make it work. I was full of "piss and vinegar", and it was spread out in a thousand pieces all over the universe. I was a mess, but at least my parents weren't arguing with me about studying Theatre with two small children. That made me extremely happy.

Now after all those years of being happy and sad, I'm committed to being happy. It still kinda irks me that dad gets his way, but like I said, "It's about time I 'made a loud popping sound'!"

Being Happy for me means that if I'm going to do anything, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. If I'm not performing to the best of my ability, then I'm going to be honest with myself about it. It means having the guts to blaze new trails and let old trails grow over til they aren't recognizable anymore. It means taking great joy in having a rotting memory, and working to keep it from all fading away. Being Happy is all about thinking before I write and speak, most times; but again, when I don't - what the hell - "GO FOR IT!" Being Happy is all about the journey and looking forward to the unknown.

So here's the first installment. I'm going Forward @ 50.

HAPPY = CHECK!