Happy Independence Day!

Yes, I will finish my Extra story, but in the meantime ...

I stalled yesterday. Knowing that I had more to write about my Extra experience, and knowing that this would take more effort than I had inside me; I made a phone call to a distant cousin. It was nice to get to know each other a bit. We talked about money, life in the entertainment industry, the sixties, family and sex. He's a quick wit and matching him was a great game. We laughed, chuckled, and just shared. Our conversation is still rattling around inside, bouncing from brain to heart and back again. My lifelong dream of talking to this particular cousin was achieved yesterday, and it is my hope that we will talk again. If we don't, at least I had one phenomenal conversation with a complex, caring man who's still taking on life on his terms. Dang, if the guy didn't inspire me, but I'm just getting to know him and have to remind myself that he did make a living in the Entertainment Industry. He has been paid to be charming. I have a tendency to trust too soon, so we'll see what he's really like should I speak with him again.

I learned that the Peace Medallion that I remember him wearing was acquired at Haight-Ashbury at the height of the sixties reveling; and that, he still has it somewhere. I learned that he's not such a recluse as previously thought. I learned that like him, any work in the entertainment industry is about the money and experience; they have to balance out somehow. Too little money, and not enough experience means, "I'll pass and go dig ditches for more."

I learned a lot including that I have listened to primarily males talk about sexual stuff for most of my life. It started in Eighth Grade when I was a Boys Basketball Manager and has continued to this day. I think the talk is many times for shock value or for some sort of perverse pleasure, but I also think that a lot can be learned by holding my own in the conversation. After all, I can and do say, "No", "Enough", and "Stop." Having said all of that, there is only so much that I can tolerate, and I have to respect this about myself. Should a person overstep my boundaries I've given myself permission to dismiss them from my life. It goes against my inner-most nature, but I've done it before and may be pressed to do it again. I hope not, but I am a realist.

I also believe that people need to have a safe place to express their thoughts, to make mistakes, to be bad, to be good, and to just be themselves. It's the mother in me, I guess. It's the Agape Love thing I hold so dear. There are many that I love who offend and hurt me, but then again; I hurt and offend many, too. This all seems so simple and maybe not worth even writing, but it is good for me to write it. I'm no saint, but I do have a large capacity for forgiveness and love. I also would like to have it in writing; so that, I can review my thoughts and see if they are worth passing along to anyone. Guess this is one of my more introspective journalistic entries. I am learning a bit more about myself, though; so I'll add that I have learned the value of boundaries and feel that they are necessary to preserve both safety and sanity.

Considering the amount of time that I've spent talking about a whole slew of sexual material, maybe I should've been a Sex Therapist. LOL - NOT! I am happy that my sex drive walked out the door one day and hasn't returned. Should it ever change it's mind, I simply ask that it call first, so I can lock the doors and move if necessary.

By the time I was twenty, I thought I was sexually burnt out. My passions were rekindled, and I had two children. My passions have been misdirected, exploited and abused; so I've let them go on their merry way. I am embracing my Grandma Nature and happy to not think about sex any more - except in the context of protecting myself, my children, my grandchildren, and my community from sexual predators. For this reason I get to go to court in August and testify against the guy who flashed me in the Walgreen's parking lot at ten o'clock on a Friday night. Oh joy. Not fun, but necessary. Breathe, two, three, four.

After having so many thoughts stirred up during our conversation, I was hungry. It was about 4:30pm. I really have to change my eating habits because hunger pangs and headaches are not fun. In any case, I went to the grocery store and got some catfish, crab meat, and chicken breasts (the cheapest proteins available). I shopped for one. I only spent $40 and got a good amount of fruits and vegetables, too. No soda, chips or chocolate was purchased. Now there's a good thing. I made a quick homemade pasta sauce with a can of crushed tomatoes, green pepper, onion and spices. With dinner eaten, I went to bed.

So yesterday was my holiday, and I took it off from writing. I thoroughly enjoyed talking to my cousin. I've wanted to for years. I honestly can't wait to see what other stories he might tell me. He is definitely "outside the box", and I feel a certain kindred spirit with him. You see, for all the talking ... well, it felt good to be myself with a member of my family. Though, after much thought, I'm not sure about him. I'm beginning to think this has been more of a novelty than a lasting relationship. In fact, I'm quite sure of it.

I thought about my relationships with my family a lot yesterday, too. Of the thirteen cousins, three aunts, two uncles, and twenty other distant cousins in the USA that I know of; I talk to one aunt, one cousin, and now two distant cousins, usually if I call and they pick up the phone except for my favorite cousin who does call me on occasion at odd hours of the night and delights me with whatever he's into at the moment. Statistically speaking, that's just over ten percent. I've stopped calling and don't expect to hear from anyone ever again, except maybe my favorite cousin because he might just call unexpectedly and delight me again. As for the rest of my family here in the states, I see no relationships developing in the future. Kinda bleak, huh. We'll see if my viewpoint changes.

This is the point in my life when I have decided to focus on what I have as opposed to what I don't have. The measure of my life is not in quantity, but rather in quality. I worked my ass off and sacrificed so much to raise happy, healthy, fully-functioning adult children. My sacrifices were in the form of physical and mental health, monetary security, reputation, confidence and companionship. My reward for my sacrifices is more than words can express. I am happy to say that my children are my favorite people in the world; not because they are my drones, but because they are brilliant individuals who love me back.

I also have parents who love me even if we don't talk much for a whole variety of reasons primarily having to do with our schedules. My brother and I are mending our relationship, and this makes me happy, too. The one thing I have never sacrificed was and is my ability to love; I've just learned to establish boundaries and to NOT throw pearls before swine.

This is a good thing when embracing my Grandma Nature since I have two absolutely wonderful granddaughters, and one of them thinks I'm one of her best friends. Well, gee. Honestly Folks, after everything that has happened and continues to happen in my life, there it is; my complete reason for getting up and breathing everyday. I've got a new best friend, and she's pretty darn amazing. We have so much to tell each other and teach each other. We have a lot of laughing and playing and reading and hanging out to do. Quite frankly, people, I finally just might not give a damn about all the stupid, silly, mean people in my life - or at least, I've found a foundation from which to leap.

It's far better than the heart ache that I've felt for years and will continue to feel when I think about the people who discount my existence. I've worked so hard to be understanding, forgiving, and loving; and I get caught up in the "she hasn't returned a call in twenty years" sort of stuff. It does feel bad to be dismissed and ignored, especially by family that I grew up with and by people who don't even know me; but rather, judge me by stories heard or the cover of my book.

All is not lost, though. I now have my children and two cousins, who happen to be male, who have said in so many words or specifically, "Fuck 'em." As I recall, now, since I am a typical child, my parents said that a lot, too. I don't know that I can fully embrace a "fuck 'em" attitude, but I certainly can work on focusing on what I do have and letting what I don't have fade away. It's a matter of survival, I guess.

So here's to Independence Day. May we all remember to keep the baby and throw out the bath water.

"I'll Be Back"

Ten minutes to twelve. YAY! Made it. Sort of.

Had to rest a bit folks. I was up over 24 hours starting at 5:30am on Friday and ending around 7am on today.

Got a few hours of sleep, jumped out of bed and went to see if I could find BB, SA, my daughter and granddaughter during their production. I did find BB & SA, but I missed my granddaughter's "film debut."

It's all OK, though. All went well according to BB, SA and my daughter.

Are you waiting with baited breath for my report on my time as an Extra? Well, breathe easy. I'll be back tomorrow to give the blow by blow.

Right now, I need to relax a bit more. The pain is finally gone, and now it's time to get some shut eye.

Be back.

Nervous

I'm getting quite tired of the up and down nature of my blog. I don't want it turning into a Bitch Fest, nor do I want it to be Pollyannaish. In my efforts to balance it, I feel it has gotten much like a roller coaster ride. Thing is; my life right now is very much like a roller coaster ride, and with the recent failure to pass another Unemployment Extension Bill; my life is headed down the tracks at a terrifying speed. Time to hang on and SCREAM!

I'm going to make this post a bit shorter for a whole variety of reasons:

1. I'm nervously awaiting the final e-mail from Atmosphere Casting about tonight's shoot.

2. I have packing to do to get ready for tonight's shoot.

3. Being this nervous about more than two things at once means that I need to do some physical stuff to work it out.

4. My back and left hip hurt so much that I'm writing this while laying down in my bed only because I haven't tried writing while standing.

5. I have jobs to apply for and need to continue researching query letters and schooling.

We'll leave it at five reasons. How's that sound?

On the up side, my granddaughter told my daughter that BB & I are her best friends and "Famawee", too.

Good Luck, Everyone. Hang in there. You are loved.

Anxiety Attacks Suck

Durwood's Glen Shrine (Photo: Forward @ 50)

What's more to say. Spent the majority of the day shaking. This is happening more frequently, and I think it's due to being unemployed for so long and wanting to see my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren more. The consistent failure to land a job after interviewing is really getting to me. Nothing new there. Wanting to see my daughter's family more is constant, too, even though I understand all the reasons that I can't right now. It's hard living so close; and yet, being so far away. I'm doing my best to be understanding and not place any more pressure and stress on them. My daughter and son-in-law are working so hard to make a good life for themselves and their children. I just have my desires to deal with. I focused so much of my attention on raising my children that now that I have to find my own life I'm out of my comfort zone. Besides, I always dreamed of being the appropriately helpful, non-interfering, lovable mother and mother-in-law who is there with some food, many hugs and kisses, lots of time to listen, and whatever they needed me to do. It's harder than I imagined to do what they need me to do which is understand that I can't see them as much as I would like.

In spite of all of this, my mood is basically fine. I'm just shaking. I've eaten pretty well today, too. It's just really strange to shake, become immobile, and wait to see when it will pass without being able to make it stop. It can be downright annoying, frustrating, and demoralizing. I always think to myself that I'm weak for not being able to control these things. I get mad at myself and focus intently on stopping the shaking, but it doesn't work. Most of the time I can push through it, but this has prompted me to go ahead and see if I can get a doctor's appointment with the county health department to see what to do. Last I checked, I can get an appointment in about a month. No insurance means that I haven't seen a doctor in over a year. Except for a cat bite, an ear ache, and now more frequent anxiety attacks; I'm fine. Well, I am morbidly obese and smoke, so ... I guess it's a matter of perspective.

Sorry so boring. I know there are bunches of people who are struggling while looking for work, so if this helps anyone feel as though they're not alone that's GREAT! I sincerely believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just haven't found the tunnel yet. (rim shot! - ha, ha! a joke!) Hang in there my fellow strugglers and survivors. I'm rooting for all of us. I know it's hard and giving up seems so appealing at times. We just can't. We just need to rest, eat well, and keep plugging away. My heart goes out to all of you and to me, too. I don't have any answers, but for what it's worth; I'm here and hoping for a brighter future for all.

I'm headed to bed to rest and wait for a phone call from my son telling me that he has arrived at his grandparents' home safely. Hopefully, I'll feel a lot better in the morning. I have a two busy days coming up and will have to push ahead. Two things are going through my mind; The Little Engine That Could and song lyrics, "... put one foot in front of the other..." Not bad, huh.

I'm also going to be concentrating on sending good vibes to my son-in-law's mother. She may have had a heart attack today. She's in the hospital now. Here's to a good prognosis and her speedy recovery. I'd love to be able to help her in some way. Really.