That's Right!

Welcome to a 5:30am, groggy post.

I woke up about an hour ago fighting my blankets and dripping in sweat. Don't be alarmed. I do this more often than I've related to anyone I know. I'm actually quite used to it. Not that it's a good thing. In this case, I figure my Domestic Abuse Survivors group really triggered some dreams or something because this time I was actually sore from my struggle. I don't remember what I was dreaming, or if I was dreaming at all. I just woke up, was hot, and got up because I could hear the wind whipping up.

We're supposed to have two days of nasty weather starting today. Right now it's cool and windy. Quite dramatic. I love the wind. Since I'm heavier now, I love the cool weather, too. This is a bit of all right.

Well, yesterday was one pretty big, important day. Three major things happened.

1. I got to see my granddaughters after not seeing them for three months and a week and four months and a week.

2. I talked to my Digital Sound instructor about why my attendance and performance has been what it has been and informed him of the reason why things were going to change.

3. I went to my first Domestic Abuse Survivors group session.

Seeing my granddaughters, as I previously wrote, was all about the warm fuzzies. My oldest and I played with her wooden train set to start out with. Then she wanted to know where the other birds were because she only found Buzz, the Buzzard (Beanie Babies). Well, I had to explain that her birds had gone to live in the basement for a while; and that, I would go down and get them all. After I did that, there was a joyous reunion between Buzz and Ozzie, the Ostrich. It was so heartwarming to see her play with the toys that she remembers being at MeeMa's house. She also made comment about the clouds in our living room. I told her that I painted them there for her ... and me and BB. When I asked her if I should add some fairies to the clouds, she thought that I should. She also thought that I should add some doggies and something else. When she saw her old Care Bears and Princesses balls, she wanted to go outside and play; so we did. Of course in the process, we woke up her little sister. Oops. We went out to play anyway, and let her mommy (GL) and BB tend to her sister. We had so much fun outside until BB came and asked if I would go upstairs to help with the grouchy one.

Well, this kinda made me nervous, but onwards and upwards - literally. I hadn't seen her in four months, so I just wasn't sure how she'd take me. Oh how she cried. Nothing would soothe her until I just got her dressed, grabbed a couple blankets and took her outside, too. Well, I can't completely say that. There was this moment when she calmed down for a bit while I cooed to her. She looked up at me with such big, sad eyes; and then, she did something that completely surprised me: she put her forehead against my cheek and nuzzled me. Most people I've met discount a child's memory prior to a certain age, but seeing as my first memory is from before I could walk; I ignore them. I am of the firm opinion that my youngest granddaughter did remember me in that moment. We'd had this one amazing time when she was about three months old when we locked eyes and looked into each others' souls for a good minute or two. A minute or two is a long time to lock eyes with anyone, but we sunk into each other. It was one of those "time stood still" moments that transported me and maybe her, too. When she looked in my eyes yesterday, it was with the same recognition. In fact, as soon as she heard my voice, she calmed down for a brief moment, so I've got to think that somewhere inside her a memory existed that told her that this woman, her MeeMa, was a good, loving, safe person.

As soon as I started downstairs, Little One stopped crying and started looking around. We went outside and walked for a while until I wanted to sit down. Since she was agreeable, I'm happy to report that we had a lovely time just being still and watching the goings on around us. There I sat bouncing my youngest granddaughter on my knee, letting her just take in the outdoors. That's when I checked her teeth. Sure enough, she's getting in her two top teeth. I sent BB upstairs to get a cold washcloth with a piece of ice in it and some baby carrots. Neither was put in her mouth, but they did supply some distraction. The chipmunks should've had a feast last night for all the carrots on the grass, but Little One was happy to play with them. She was so happy that she started clapping and "talking" to us. It wasn't long before I spread out one of the blankets and sat her down on it. She's crawling. She can move herself around quite well.

While all of this was happening, GL and her oldest played and played. It was so good to see them together again. GL is such a good Mom. Her oldest is quite clear that her mommy is Her Mommy and no one else compares. This, too, is wonderful to see.

When Big Girl and I started playing, GL played with Little One. Again, I got to see that mother/child bond. Of course, I'd seen it when I first got home and saw everyone. GL was sitting in our easy chair holding Little One, who was fast asleep. Seems Little One wouldn't lay down in a bed. She only wanted to be held by her mommy. Again and again, this fills me with such joy.

Well, like I said yesterday, I just basked in the glow of seeing my granddaughters for a good long while yesterday. As a result, I was happy enough to go out and buy a few inexpensive toys for them for the next time they come to MeeMa's house. An eight dollar bright, shiny, blue soccer ball because Big Girl's favorite color is blue and a mini-Playdough Fun Factory on sale for ten dollars were all I got for Big Girl. Little One got a couple teething rings that can be frozen or cooled, a musical rattle that's shaped like a piano and plays bits of Classical classics, and a cloth and wood stackable ring toy on sale, of course. MeeMa is frugal and discerning with her purchases.

Prior to seeing my granddaughters, I had the opportunity to talk with my Digital Sound instructor about all that's been going on in my life and the lives of those I love. He was so understanding.

I interrupted him as he was about to ask if I would like to drop the class with a firm, "I'm not dropping. I will do whatever it takes. Everyday. Here. Wherever."

He kinda gulped, took a deep breath, and proceeded to tell me what my first step was to get caught up. He headed to help the rest of the class, and I started on my project. God Bless my class for being behind like me. I mean it! The assignment that I was willing to take an "F" on isn't due until next week. Originally, it was due yesterday.

The best part of class was that as I completed each section, I would report to him; and he would set me on the next step. I worked quickly accomplishing each task. When he came to check my work, he was visibly impressed.

"OK. If you can knock out this part, you'll be in good shape," he told me pointedly.

I got one third of the assignment done in an hour. Only three people were in good shape when class started, so I was among many who were catching up. I held my own. Now this feels pretty fantastic. It's nice to surprise people with my skills because to look at me you wouldn't really think that computer/technical stuff is one of my fortes. Ah, that "never judge a book by its cover" thing rides again. In any case, I've found renewed passion, determination, and commitment to my Digital Sound class and school in general. Big moment.

Thirdly, my Domestic Abuse Survivors group is GREAT! It's heartbreaking, but I feel safe and like I'm in the right place. I've come to realize that even though I went through two years of therapy while I was going through my divorce, I never really internalized the necessary coping skills for dealing with abusive people and situations. I have never really valued myself the way I value others. I'm sitting in a room with women who have decided to learn how to value themselves and live a healthy, productive, loving life. My circumstances are not as dire as some in the group, for which I am grateful. I thought my heart would break when I listened to each woman briefly describe what had happened in their lives, and why they were in the group. I could go on about it taking me over twenty years to make this realization, or I could simply say that while the old, gray mare ain't what she used to be; she can still learn a few new tricks. I am so looking forward to learning all these new tricks. Besides, I'm not alone in the number of years it took me to arrive in the group. Seems there are many like me. I'm confident that I'll be a better person, Mom, and MeeMa as a result. I might just be a better friend, sister, and daughter, too. I can't wait to go back next week. I have only one regret, but I'll leave that in my privacy file for now. I've taken a wee bit of action on behalf of rectifying it, and we'll see if it is received in the spirit that it is given. For now, though, I know that I'm in the right place(s) for me.

Well, an hour and twenty minutes of writing is over. The predicted rain has started. The windows have been closed to a crack. I've even received a phone call and helped someone in the middle of all of this. Funny, the person I helped wasn't surprised at all that I was wide awake and answered my phone at 6am. Guess she knows me pretty well. I'm getting to know me pretty well, too. I'm starting to think that for some people the whole "getting to know yourself" thing takes place after the kids are raised and there is time to focus on one's own concerns. At least that's how it is for me. Might have been better if I'd learned a few things earlier, but well, we've covered that, haven't we.

Good Day, All. The sun is rising. The sky is a gorgeous shade of slate blue. The rain patters against the windows gently. The soft breeze lulls me into a journey back to bed for a wee bit more.

I Saw My Granddaughters Today

"I saw my granddaughters today," MeeMa said as she sat and relished the warm fuzzies that overtook her entire being.

With that, MeeMa decided she would lay down for a while after she took a shower - AND - bask in the glow of seeing her granddaughters today ... until she had to get ready to go to Domestic Abuse Survivors Group tonight. MeeMa also decided that she would let the warm fuzzies replace all the pain of the last four months, or at least as much as it could. She also reminded herself of many practical matters to continue to consider, but for this moment she was going to do what she could to heal herself.

"I saw my granddaughters today," MeeMa thought to herself over and over again, "Thank you, God - and all the other forces at work. I saw my granddaughters today."

MeeMa smiled, got up from her computer, walked to the bathroom, stepped into the shower, and thought, "Boy, my granddaughters were a great workout. Best workout in the world. They sure made me feel good. It was too good to hug both of them again. ... and the little one actually nestled right up to me. Oh, my oldest one, she is so good. So polite and funny. It was so good to tell her, 'I love you", "I missed you", and "We'll see you again', and to hear the same back from her. It was good to tell her that I wasn't broken like she thought. Hope I get to see them again, soon," she sighed and smiled like she hadn't smiled in months, "I saw my granddaughters today."

MeeMa rinsed off and got out of the shower. She put on clean clothes and went into her bedroom. She grabbed her knitting, put in "How to Train Your Dragon", and sat down to relax and relish how wonderful she felt; and then, she cried and cried happy, relieved tears.

???????

What happened today? I got the office all cleaned up and ready for homework time. I then proceeded to blow it big time. All I had to do was put on the headphones and do the work. Didn't. Instead, I watched two documentaries; "Moog" and "Awful Normal." Very good docs.

"Moog" is about Robert Moog, who invented the Moog machine made famous by Emerson, Lake and Palmer and many, many more. Of course, "Moog" caught my eye because of Digital Sound, so I don't really feel like a completely blew it - well, that's what I'm telling myself, anyway.

"Awful Normal" was about a woman, her sister and their mom who confront the man who molested the girls in the '70's. Fascinating and cathartic... For anyone who's been molested, it might be a good movie to watch.

So that's it... besides the fact that I've started a very special knitting project three times and ripped it out three times. Argh.

OK, SA is sitting here waiting to talk to me - AND - we haven't talked in too long. I think I need a good "Animation Domination" session with her - and BB (I suppose) tonight.

Sweet dreams, All. Remember, Tomorrow's a New Day!

Asshole! - BE GONE!

I've spent most of my day thinking about my history of dealing with assholes. As a result, I've done a bit of research and found a truly amazing book by Bob Sutton called, "No Asshole Rule." It was published in 2007. How I wish I had found it then. A Stanford Professor, Bob Sutton also write a blog and articles for various publications and websites. He is a genius. His book addresses Assholes in the Workplace, but I'm sure it can be used in my personal life, too. Looks like I'm headed to the library to check it out. If I don't find it there, I may just have to buy it. I was particularly impressed to read that many companies have "No Asshole" type policies in place. Most notably are Berkshire Hathaway, Pixar, and Mozilla; to name just a few. This give me hope for my future employment.

Here's a link to a post by Professor Sutton about surviving Abusive Bosses and Co-Workers:
http://bobsutton.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/03/tips_for_victim.html

Starting in 2007, I worked at Highland Park IVF Center. On my third day of employment I was publicly berated. The abuse and bigotry continued until I left almost two years later. What I could've done with Professor Sutton's book. Highland Park IVF Center and Dr. Edward Marut's office stand to this day as the worst place that I've ever worked. Leaving was great even if I did get fired.

Recovering from the way I was treated is still on going, but today I made a major leap. I expect that when I start Domestic Abuse Survivors counseling on Monday, that I will really get on the right track. I'm looking forward to it.

I now realize that I've let Assholes of every kind get the better of me for years. From the bullies in elementary school to college boyfriends (my high school beaus were amazingly good) to my ex-husband to too many of my daughter's boyfriends and even to friends of my own; I have suffered Assholes far too often. Today that changed. I made a loud popping sound - FINALLY! I'm kinda slow on some things, but once I get it - VOI-FUCKIN'-LA!

It finally occurred to me that I will not tolerate being treated disrespectfully. I will not be demeaned. I will not cooperate so an Asshole can get their way. Put simply, "Life is too short to work with Assholes, much less have them infiltrate my personal life." Can't tell you the freedom I feel. I'm willing to do without anyone who mistreats me on a regular basis. I'm ready to say, "ENOUGH!" If I am good enough to accept money from, then I am good enough to be spoken well of. How dare anyone malign me without knowing me. Just for the record, interrupting someone is a classic sign of an Asshole. Classic. It's the Red Flag that tells me that I'm done dealing with someone UNLESS an apology is forthcoming very quickly.

The Arrogant, Brutal, Cruel, Dimwitted, Egocentric, Flippant, Grotesque, Hateful, Ignorant, Juvenile, Knuckleheaded, Loquacious, Mean, Narcissistic, Opinionated, Quasi-Intellectual, Ridged, Stupid, Totalitarian, Unimaginative, Venomous, Wanting, Xenophobic, Yellow-Bellied Zealotism upon which Assholes choose to express themselves has no place in my life ANYMORE! Duh. I mean, "Really People. DUH!"

I'm off to finish watching "Perry Mason" and Laugh and Smile with such a happy heart. You have not idea what a great service the Asshole I had to deal with today has provided for me. I'm even willing to give up any family member or friend because of my new found FREEDOM! Here's hoping those I love and care for realize this because I won't miss them if they don't.

Obligatory and Boring

My headache is finally gone. I woke up with burning, searing pain this morning. I finally remembered to take some ibuprofen and fell asleep in my chair watching a movie. Must've slept there for about an hour; comfortable chair. From there I moved to my bed for another hour and a half. Presto! Headache gone.

Since I don't want to bring it back on, I'm off of the computer for the rest of the night. I've spent too much time on this thing. 'Course I will have to check to make sure that I'm up-to-date on my job search criteria first. Think I am.

Tomorrow and Sunday I will be doing Digital Sound homework. Assignment is due on Monday. Still kinda chuckling that I'm a week early with my 14 pages of script for Scriptwriting.

OK, one more boring post taken care of. We'll see what the future holds.

Time Flies - And so do my characters ...

Sorry so late. I've been writing all day thinking I had to have my pages posted by the 21st. Oops. It's the 28th. Still, 14 pages of a script written so far. Just about a hundred more to go.

I'll write more tomorrow. My back hurts. I need to get horizontal.

Another big day tomorrow. Up at 6:30am and out for Al-Anon & Hippotherapy, and God Knows What Else.

... and yes, the characters in my script to fly. That was fun.

Onwards and Upwards! ... Or So I Hope.

I don't imagine I'll feel much like blogging when I get home tonight. I've got a busy day ahead.

Today I return to volunteer at the Hippotherapy facility. Should be fun. There's a field trip coming in. They need nine volunteers, so I'll meet some new people.

I'm taking a change of clothes and going straight to school after that because I have homework to do and class tonight. Might as well go there and get stuff done. It's a more efficient use of time and gas. This will also leave the house to BB; so that, he can get some work done.

I'm not feeling real good today, so being around the horses and people will be helpful. I'm not happy about what I've written. The whole thought of having my writing workshopped is freaking me out. I expect to bomb. Nerves. Hate 'em. I'm doing my best, though, so we'll see. It's just not coming out like I planned. What I'm writing is cathartic and visual, but not how I want things to start out. I think for an effective workshopping session, I should provide the beginning; so that, people know the characters. I also have to change names. I have a lot to do. My imagination is running in all directions. I really need to sit and focus.

OK, that's all I have to offer for today. I have too much to do in too short a time, and it's my own fault. Silly, silly me. Nothing to do but go tackle the day.

"How to Traiin Your Dragon"

I loved this film when I saw it with my son and granddaughter in the theatre. I knew after watching it that I wanted to own it. I've waited for the October 15th DVD Release date for months. Yesterday I purchased the last copy at our local Target. It was on sale. Somehow my world is a bit more complete.

So far, I have watched the movie all the way through once. After that I watched the movie all the way through with the Commentary. Now I'm watching the shorts about the making of the movie. I am a Film Geek and proud of it.

The movie first caught my eye because Hiccup, the main character, looks a bit like my son. Hiccup's personality and place in his world even reminds me a bit of my son.

Night Fury and all the Dragons certainly caught my attention. Who doesn't like Dragons?

Then there were the Vikings. Well, being an overtly proud Norwegian; of course, I needed to see this film.

Astrid is a strong girl, so taking my granddaughter to see this movie became important. It was the second film that we went to together.

Our first film was "The Princess and the Frog." Taking my granddaughter to that film had its own special significance.

I love both movies for their beauty and the important messages that are contained in both of them. The stories really aren't that different if you really analyze them; their both about young people coming into their own and more. "How to Train Your Dragon" delivers its messages in such a fun and seamless manner that it's mind-boggling to imagine how packed it is; how much is contained in less than two hours. If I was a teacher, I would show this movie to my class just to have the discussion about what they got out of it. I suppose it goes without saying that it doesn't hurt that this transformational story is told through the Vikings, either.

Craig Ferguson, Jay Baruchel, America Ferrera, and all the other actors who do the voice-overs are fantastic. The animation and lack of dialogue is something worth noting, too, of course. All the words in the movie are there for a reason, and this is called "good writing."

After watching the movie and listening to the commentary, I have to mention the "niceness" factor. Niceness has become paramount in my life these days. I'm all about being nice. Nice may be my new favorite word replacing love, but we'll see. I aspire to work with nice people and create niceness in the world. It is my prime objective. I have transformed into a nicer person over the years, and I'd like the whole world to become nicer. It is my selfish dream to make this happen somehow. Haven't really got a clue on how to do this, but maybe promoting this film is one way. I mean, couldn't we all use a little tender loving care? Niceness is not to be associated with being a doormat, either. It's just that there are ways that niceness can aid in solving problems. It's a tool that is under-used. I'm working to change that.

Lastly, I have to mention that I fell in love with Night Fury because of the creature that he is modeled after. Actually, many of the Dragons have elements of this creature, and it works so well for me. I won't spoil it, in case you haven't seen the film; but I will say that Night Fury's physicality and emotive qualities have given me new appreciation for these real-life creatures and the people who love them. In fact, this too reminds me of my son and a certain dear, departed, old friend. Then again, I am also reminded of another dear, departed old friend and two very much alive friends.

Well, that's it for today's post. I have officially watched all the movie and all the Special Features once through. I'm off to watch the movie again. Oh, and when I say "watch", well, I know how to multitask; so I've been doing other things, too, like have a phone interview for a part-time job as an Administrative Coordinator for a Physical Therapy Rehabilitation clinic.

Rent this movie, or better yet, buy it. It really is worth seeing and enjoying many times over.

Political Rant - "This Race Has Gone to the Dogs"

If you'll forgive me, I'm going to take a powder tonight. There are things to do, and I'm tired.

I'll leave you with this one thought - I just heard a report on the 9pm news about our gubenatorial race. Apparently, a commercial for the Democratic candidate that brought to light an euthenasia bill that the Republican candidate introduced allowing vets to kill more than one dog at a time in a gas chamber has gone viral.

It's official, folks - This race has gone to the dogs.

OH! ... and the other day all of our mail was campaign literature. Glossy, two-sided, color sheets filled our box in duplicate and sometimes triplicate. While I know the mailman should just deliver one to each house...

COME ON, CANDIDATES - SAVE A TREE! Do you really think that anyone reads that crap?! Do you really think it makes any difference to anyone? Quite frankly, there's not really anything that any politician can say these days to make anyone interested in whatever it is that they have to say ... EXCEPT MAYBE ... The Issues?! What a frickin' concept!

I'm so sick and tired of all the attack ads. I'm so sick and tired of politicians, period - from every single party everywhere. I'm disgusted that people who are "applying for a job" that entails LEADING our country don't have the slightest clue as to how to discuss anything. There is no genuine sincerity anymore. It's all spin. Do this. Wear that. ... and what Jack-Ass came up with the hand gestures? L A M E!

Here's another concept - If you're trying to be one of our leaders, why not lead the way with your ethics, behavior, intelligence, and campaign ads - to start with - then roll up your sleeves and work with as many people as possible to SOLVE OUR COUNTRY'S CHALLENGES!

I remember a song from long ago, "Cooperation Makes It Happen." It is a children's song.

I would like our country's leaders to stop acting like children. I would like our whole country to stop acting like children. There are rules of engagement, People. There are methods of Problem Solving. There is work to be done.

EVERYONE! Yes - The Whole Frickin' Country - Stop Your Bitching and Learn to Work Together! POLITICIANS! You Too! You make more money than many of us will see in a lifetime. You proclaim yourselves LEADERS. L E A D! Do You Know How to Lead, or Do You Only Know How to Spin a Message to Get Your Job?

Dear Politicians,
Please lead by example and really start working to solve some of our problems because the American public doesn't really like any of you, in case your handlers hadn't told you. We tend to vote for the lesser evil. Yep. You all suck big, hairy balls. Yea, All of You....

OK, NOW It's Time for Me to Go to Bed ----- but one more thing ------ For my sweeping, untrue statements as far as every single politician sucking --- it's over the top and for dramatic effect ----- JUST LIKE THOSE GOD DAMNED ATTACK ADS! I'm sorry. I like to think of myself as a middle-of-the-road, journalistic, pragmatic, observer in political matters; but even the mose level-headed has their limits, I guess.

... and to all the children of all the Politicians ----> I'm particularly sorry. It used to hurt when people wrote nasty things about my dad when I was a kid, so I know just a tiny bit of what you might be thinking. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm just tired of the silly games that the adults are playing.... in almost every area of my life. You know how it is. Sometimes a good rant is just the thing to set things straight, or at least it feels good to get things out in the open.

OK Kids, Play Nicely.

Thor DNF - An Anniversary - YEA BUCKY!

Yesterday marked the end of Thor's cycling season. The Giro di Lombardia was a miserable race this year. Kudos to Gilbert for winning especially since about two thirds of the field didn't even finish the race. Yeah, in his last outing wearing the Rainbow jersey for Cervelo Test Team, Thor Did Not Finish (DNF) - along with about two thirds of the other riders. Oh well. It was nice to see him at the front of the field at the start.

Let's see, there was something else about yesterday that I thought was important, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. Oh well.

Today is the three month anniversary of the last time I saw or talked to my oldest granddaughter (July 17, 2010). Three whole months. It's not by my choice, but it is what it is. I've heard that she's asked about me, so I will be patient. Three whole months. Well, I made it through 37 years of not seeing my "sister", so I can make it through this. I don't think it's good for her, but we'll make it through. Life's circumstances are not so fun sometimes. I've been accused of being "nuts", and life got really complicated really fast. Thing that's really goofy is that other people find me fit enough to care for their young children and to volunteer with small children. Patience is a virtue, right? OW!

Tomorrow will be the four month anniversary of the last time I saw or talked to my youngest granddaughter (June 18, 2010) --- "Same as above." OW!

So today, I'm packing it in after a so-so day. I'm going to get this God-Damned crocheting project done and out of my house. I'm going to do some God-Damned homework, too.

Tomorrow, I'm waking up early and leaving the house early. I've got a lot to do, so might as well get it done. I'm working on me while I can't see my granddaughters. At least I'll be a better Meema when we do see each other again. I can't wait to hug them and tell them how much I love them .... and that I thought about them every singe day that I didn't see them ... that I've been sending all kinds of good energy their way ... and that, I don't understand it any more than they do, but we'll not worry about it all because we're together, and we're going to have fun.

Think good thoughts for my birthday. I've asked if I can see them on my birthday. I'm going to see how much it would cost for my oldest to ride a pony where I volunteer. That would be a great birthday present for me.... seeing my oldest granddaughter on a pony.

OK, good night. Sweet dreams. My troubles are trifles in the whole world of troubles, and I know it. Take care.

OH! I REMEMBERED WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT YESTERDAY!

THE WISCONSIN BADGERS BEAT THE #1 RANKED OHIO STATE BUCKEYES! BOO-YAH! I'm taking this as a sign. ROCK ON, BUCKY!

Hippotherapy Joy!

For the last two days, I've had the best time volunteering at a local Hippotherapy facility. I mentioned it in my blog on Thursday.

Thursday was my first day. Friday was my second.

On Friday, I did much more than just groom horses. I took horses out to the coral, brought them back in to the stable, took them out to graze, "sidewalked", and groomed them. I got bashed around by horses a bit, too.

When I say that I got "bashed around", I mean that a few of the horses literally pushed me around. It was a matter of their desire to graze when it was actually their time to go in the coral. Not a big deal, really. I'd just forgotten the feeling of having around 1,000 pounds of muscle and bone pushing against me. It made me laugh. I enjoyed it. I pushed back.

I was yanked around, too. Really quite funny. I'd forgotten what happens when you let your mind drift for a moment, and a horse wants what a horse wants. It was Poco who reminded me. Dear, sweet, gentle Poco showed more of his personality and spirit on Friday. The more I see; the more I like.

When I took Poco out to the coral, I learned that when he's unclipped from his lead line; he takes off. He doesn't turn and walk into the coral. He throws his head to the side, jumps and gallops off. It's important to be aware of each horse's tendencies. I was forewarned, so no problem. It isn't an aggressive act. It's an act of joy. People just have to be aware. Not only do people have to be aware for themselves, but they also need to be aware of where the other horses are; so that, the other horses don't get hurt, either.

While I was taking Poco into the stables after grazing, my mind drifted for a moment. I was in the driveway, but in actuality, we were still on the "grassy knoll." Poco didn't miss his opportunity to get some more grazing in. He turned, lowered his head to the ground, and yanked me off my feet. I cracked up. I didn't fall. I was just pulled over to the grass instead of walking calmly to the driveway. I really laughed. Sandy laughed, too. She apologized, but there was no need. It was funny. I'd forgotten about being ever attentive and "in the present."

Horses are very good for teaching a person to be "in the present." The reasons are obvious and numerous. Certainly safety for both human and horse is the primary reason, but there are others. Simple enjoyment of the moment is paramount, too. Enjoying each other's company fully is a part of it. Another part is understanding each other.

Communicating with horses is something that I understand. I may not understand all the quirks and signals of each individual horse, but I understand how to learn about horses. Horses are easier than people for me. Animals in general are easier than people for me.

Horses communicate through body language and a bit through sounds. Nipping can be playful or serious, and to what degree depends on each horse. Poco likes to touch my back with his mouth when I'm grooming him. It's a "Hey. What cha doin'?" kinda thing. Harley likes to try to nip at my back when I groom him. It's a bit of intimidation that is dispelled with a comment or growl. When Tia throws her head up while I'm grooming her face, it doesn't mean that she doesn't like what I'm doing. In fact, it means the opposite. Tia loves to be groomed, and her enthusiasm is much like the enthusiasm that my cat, Sammy, shows when I'm petting her. They're both trying to help me get to the right spot.

One of the things I love about horses is that with a quiver, a tiny muscle movement, so much can be said. One ear back, one forward, two ears back, two forward, a tail switch ... which makes me laugh because Harley flicked me in the face with his tail today when I was grooming him. It was deliberate. He got me good. It was like being flicked with a towel in the locker room. It was playful and purposeful. I do like Harley even it he is more demanding. Because of him, I'll be able to handle Ice, Big Red and eventually Calvin.

So besides all the horse time I had on Friday, I also had time with a client and therapist today. It was an awe inspiring experience. It was a Speech Therapy session with a small child. I was completely converted by the experience. The interaction between therapist, child, horse and helpers was just as much a part of the therapy, as the phonetic game that was played to improve the child's speech.

This is where the "sidewalking" comes in. It's simple, really. By placing my forearm over the child's thigh while they were riding the horse; they are secure. I grab on to the blanket and bareback pad with my hand and gently apply pressure with my forearm on their thigh while walking along side the horse as they work with their therapist.

So Friday's session at the Hippotherapy facility was lovely. I had a wonderful time meeting more volunteers and staff. I forgot myself as I got to know the horses more.

I'm thinking I might just go out this morning to see them since they're so close. I don't have to volunteer, per se. I could just go out and groom a few or help take them out. I could just go say hi to Tia and hide away from it all. I've found another place to get away to; another sanctuary. I think it's even better than the beach.

Friday's Post - but it's Monday ...

Do you have people in your life that seem to suck all the happiness and confidence out of you? I mean, life is going along nicely, you've accepted what you can, have been moving forward, have even found happiness, and POOF! they show up again; and your world spirals downward - AGAIN! It's not a matter of fault, really. It's just that, well, life without them works just fine no matter how much you love them. When they re-enter, even for a few minutes, after being away; your life tilts, perspective twists, and you're lost again. All the putting back together you've done goes. It just leaves. There you sit wondering what the hell just happened and what the hell are you supposed to do about it, if anything. You don't know if you're supposed to change things or accept how they are. You don't have the wisdom to know the difference. Agony tackles you, and all the plans you had for the upcoming days, weeks, months, and years melt away. Your head and heart whirl. The pain that had finally gone away comes back, and you cry. What to do? What to do? What to do? It would help if these people would just be honest about whatever it is that they're thinking and doing, but that's the thing; they aren't. So many unanswered questions lead to doubt and fear. The future is again foreboding and heartache returns and takes up residence. Is it time for a decision? Should joy fight for its place? Does joy fight back? Turmoil, strife, grief and all that other crap conquer you while you sleep. You awaken as the old person you worked so hard to leave behind simply because someone entered your life when you weren't expecting them to. They disregarded your boundaries and took what they wanted, then they left you again. It's emotional rape.

Thor & Horses on October 14, 2010

Just so everyone knows, 14 is my lucky number. I decided that 14 was my lucky number when I won two cakes during two separate cake walks at South School during a fundraiser when I was a kid. It's hung around ever since.

Today, Thursday, October 14, 2010, Thor Hushovd finished 14th at the Giro del Piemonte. In his second to last race of the season, he donned the World Champion's Rainbow Jersey and rode a respectable race. It's looking good.

In two days, on Saturday, October 16th, Thor will race in the Giro di Lombardia. Maybe Universal Sports will show it somewhere down the road. In any case, I'll be waiting to see how he does in his last race as a Cervelo Test Team rider.

Cervelo Test Team is no more. They sure did well in my book. I'm sorry to see them go. Kudos to everyone at Cervelo for two amazing years of racing.

Today, I also went to the Hippotherapy facility and started my duties as a volunteer. I'm too happy and stinky for words.

I got to meet Harley, Poco, Calvin, Big Red, Scatman, Ice, Tia, Elsie, and Rover along with Jill, Judy, Elaine, Sandy, Carrie, and Kristi. Pretty awesome. I got a refresher course in grooming from Sandy and Elaine. I ended up grooming Harley, Poco and Tia. Do you know how happy I am?! I hung out at the stables for about four hours. I'll have to say that they are the sweetest smelling stables that I've ever been in. The horsey smell that I was looking for only appeared every once and a while; mostly when I was cleaning hooves and had my nose down in the "lower regions" of horsedom. MMmmmmm. Silly, I know.

There I was with my nose about a foot away from a pile of horse poop, cleaning Harley's hoof, thinking about how great it all was. Harley was the first horse that I groomed. He was pretty good about having a "newbie" handle him.

I used to groom horses when I was a kid, but well, it's been so long ago that I'd completely forgotten the whole process. I'm happy to report that after grooming Harley, I moved on to Poco. Poco is a sweetheart. He really boosted my confidence. From there, helped got get Elsie and Tia from the corral. Then I learned how the horses are put to bed and took care of Ice and Big Red. Basically, all I had to do was give their hooves a bit of a cleaning and take off their halters. From there, I went on to groom Tia. I think she'd already been groomed, but practice makes perfect. Besides, Kristi told me that since she's retired, she can sort of get forgotten about. It was good to just hang with her.

Just like people, each horse has their own personality and quirks. I could go on and on, but there will be other days to write about because I'm going back tomorrow and many more days to come.

I will say that Calvin is a striking white/rust paint horse with beautiful blue eyes. He's really commanding even though he's a bit on the smaller side. He's a rescue horse. He was one of about twenty horses that were left out all winter without any food by their previous owner. Not all of the horses made it. Calvin did, though. Thing is, he doesn't like people in his stall especially when he's eating. I can understand.

I'm not ready to handle Calvin, yet. Someday I'll be ready, but first, I'm going to have to tackle Elsie because she hates to be groomed and puts up fits; Big Red is a real jerk when it comes to cleaning his hooves, too.

Tomorrow I'll learn the skills for working with the riders who come in for therapy sessions. I'll also help Kristi take the horses out to graze. If I never get to ride, it's fine by me.

Think of something you love doing and are perfectly comfortable doing. Feel how relaxed and happy you are. I had four hours of that today. Four whole hours. Wow.

OK, off to watch "Perry Mason." Kudos to Thor, again! Kudos to me, again! :D Let's hear it for Horses and the People Who Love Them!

7-UP

Up at 7am.
To bed at midnight.
It's been a good day.

Got out of the house at 9am.
Back at home at 11:30am.
Paperwork/Office Work until 2:30pm.
Out for errands at 2:45pm.
Bank at 3:30pm.
Financial Aid at 4:30pm to confirm that my loans have arrived.
They have.
At Cashier at 5pm.
They will hold my check for pick-up on Friday.
One-on-One meeting with my Scriptwriting instructor at 5:30pm.
Done at 6pm.
To the library before class at 7pm.
Great class from 7-9:45pm.
Hung out in the parking lot shooting the shit until 10:20pm.
Home at 10:45pm.
BB made chicken soup.
He had a bowl ready for me when I walked in (almost - :D).
I took a bowl of soup and a glass of milk to my room to watch "Perry Mason."
Write blog at 11:30pm.
Though not very interesting... does say, "I had a good day."

Tomorrow at 1pm, I go to meet with the HippoPeople. tee hee.

Good night all. Will write more tomorrow. Going to bed to fight off ear ache. BB's chicken soup couldn't have come at a better time. Serendipitous, really. It has a kick, too. BB likes spicy food, thank God.

Sweet dreams - off to take some ibuprofen or something for the headache that just kicked in. Think I'll watch "The Untouchables", too. :D

Sick - Sorry

Yep, that's right. The old headache, achy body, fever thing hit me today. Managed to get a bit done, but basically it's been a bust. I'm headed to bed.

Here's tomorrow and feeling healthier.

L O O O O O O NG DAY

Well folks, it's been a long day. I'm exhausted. Class was good. My sound pieces were critiqued. For first ever projects, they held up OK.

I've applied for two more jobs. I received another rejection letter. My gut told me to avoid another position after a few emails with the prospective employer, so I did. sigh

BB did a fantabulous job of "putting me back together" after my long, emotional day. I am eternally grateful to him for his patience and understanding. He listens very well.

I have officially signed up for Group Therapy sessions for Domestic Abuse. The Group starts in two weeks on Monday nights. Yea! That's a night that I'm free. I'm glad this is taken care of.

I'm thinking that tomorrow I will head over to the Hippotherapy facility to introduce myself. Smelling some horses and all is just what I need, right now. I'm excited and mentally picking out my outfit.

I've eaten pretty well today and am drinking plenty of water. An apple before bed will be good; something sweet and fresh.

Might do a bit of crocheting, but I don't know.

Bed might be all I do when I get home from going to the library. I better get going. They close at 8pm.

That's all I have for today. I'm drained and have nothing insightful or profound to offer. Just taking care of business and myself with the help of a few good people.

Take care.

Good Morning & Welcome to the Briefing

Figured everybody's read a lot lately, so today's post is short and way early.

Before I get going, though; I'd like to mention that John Lennon's Birthday was yesterday, October 9th. I've been thinking about him since the 8th because he's one of my heroes. I just didn't write about it.

I'd also like to mention that the Chicago Marathon is being run today, October 10th (10-10-10) starting on a cool, brisk morning. Here's to a great race in a great city. Kudos to all who support and participate in this wonderful event. Saw the start this am at "zero-dark-thirty." :D

OK - Onwards and UPwards!

Very quickly, I have managed to accomplish three very important things today. They happened so smoothly that I didn't even realize what I'd done til I'd done it. How's about that?!

I contacted A Safe Place and did an intake for support services. A Safe Place is a wonderful organization that offers a multitude of services for victims/survivors of domestic abuse. I left an abusive marriage over twenty years ago, but have found that the past few years have triggered memories and symptoms that I thought were long gone and handled. I'm not sharing details here. That's for sure, but I can now tell you that one of my epiphanies was that I need to get back into some sort of support group and/or therapy to address these issues. I did it today! I'm so happy.

I also found two Hippotherapy facilities pretty close to where I live and sent the closest one an email to volunteer. Hippotherapy involves the use of horses to help people with a variety of physical and/or mental health issues with the aid of Physical, Occupational, and Speech Therapists. Volunteers are needed for a variety of tasks, such as; walking the horses, cleaning stalls, doing office work, etc. I'm hoping I hear back from them soon. This too was one of my epiphanies yesterday; I need to get back around horses and helping people. Ta Da!

My other accomplishment is personal, and I am not ready to share it. What I can tell you is that I am being proactive and taking care of me. This is also a direct result of my activities yesterday. BAM!

I like this. I like this a lot. I didn't say anything. I just did what was on my mind. I got three important tasks done today that I knew I needed to accomplish "sometime." I guess "sometime" was today. What a wonderful surprise.

I've also eaten well today and drank plenty of water. I've been doing a bit of crocheting, too, besides all else.

Not bad. Not bad. Very, very good. Wow. sigh :D

Finding Sanctuary - Seeing "Secretariat"

http://forwardatfifty.blogspot.com/2010/05/majestic-prince.html

The above link is for a blog post I made way back in May after Super Saver won the Kentucky Derby. It briefly mentions Secretariat along with a slew of other great race horses. It remains one of my favorite blog posts.

I'm going to lose readership today. It's been a thrilling ride, but my focus is switching from Thor Hushovd and cycling to horse racing, strong women, daily events, movies and writing. Gotta write from the heart, you know. Right now, my heart is with ...

"Secretariat", the movie, was a joy yesterday. I'd promised myself that I would go see it on Opening Day. I'm so happy that I treated myself. I went alone after my invitations were rejected by BB, SA and GL (my daughter). The invitations were half-hearted, so I was actually happy that they refused. I wanted to go alone.

I've been looking forward to this movie for months. My memories of Secretariat and horse racing hooked me into it. Having never read the book, I didn't know any of the historic details surrounding Secretariat. I learned about Secretariat's people through the movie trailer. Penny Chenery is a revelation and inspiration. Lucien Lauren, a joy. Ron Turcotte, an inspiration. Eddie Sweat and Elizabeth Ham, pure love and comfort.

(For those of you who are interested and would like more information about facts that were left out of the movie or changed, the following link is a piece written by Bill Christine, an renown journalist. I'll leave it to you about whether or not you want to read this before seeing the movie. http://www.horseraceinsider.com/blog.php/West-Coast-Wash )

I suppose I should explain something about how I approach being a fan since I have written about being a fan of so many things. It's really quite simple; I am an altruistic, child-like fan by choice. I have no competitive desire to know more facts about whatever or whoever I am a fan of. I take an interest in each subject and learn details as a result. Usually there are details that are disturbing, but sometimes there aren't. When I find disturbing details, I adjust my perspective incorporating those facts into the picture. I have yet to stop being a fan of something or someone because of disturbing details. The disturbing details may, however, diminish my enthusiasm; but I'm willing to live with that. So that's it; I hold my "Fan Status" as a Holy Grail of escape and diversion. It starts out on the highest level and fluctuates according to whatever factual details emerge, yet, I have remained a fan of all that I started out admiring when I was a child.

Watching "Secretariat" merged two of my favorite fan pastimes; movies and horse racing. I am such a willing audience member when I watch movies. I am fully committed to being taken on the ride. I suspend my disbelief and joyfully go far away from my life into a world that I've never experienced before. It is a beautiful and exciting experience that emulates the same excitement and beauty that I experience when I watch horse racing. The feast feeds my soul and renews me.

I knew that this movie would release me for a moment and that the ride might be a bit bumpy. For this reason, I wanted to go alone. I wanted freedom from everything and everybody except me, the movie, and what it did to me. I wanted to go far away. I wanted to find what I have so often found while watching movies: sanctuary.

I had a cathartic, emotional epiphany while watching this film. Throughout the film, I cried simply because I allowed my emotions, insights and memories to take me there. I couldn't read the credits like I usually do because I was sobbing. Alone in a dark theater I found my release; I sobbed because it is what I needed to in that moment in that place. I am so glad I granted myself the treat of going to see "Secretariat" alone. It is entirely personal, and I don't expect anyone else to have a similar experience. What I discovered while watching this film was a longing, a need, a determination, and a few important insights. Now that is vague, but to reveal these key elements now will undo me. I have been put together in a new way, but the glue is still drying and the paint job is incomplete. I am vulnerable and going to take the time necessary to actually do a few of the things that I realized I need to do before telling anyone. I've had a long history of telling people what I'm going to do before doing it thus taking the energy away resulting in delay and/or failure.

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my journey as I go forward as a fifty year old. A large part of this journey has turned out to be reconnecting with things from my childhood that I enjoyed. Another large part of this journey is finding inspiration to move on as a stronger woman. It is my belief that by combining these two elements that I will discover new passion, determination, skills, and direction to use for the rest of my life. So far, so good. I have discovered many failings and the causes or patterns of these failings. I have discovered incredible successes; most of which are not chronicled here. The purpose of this blog is to bring to light how I can become a more successful person and make a larger contribution to our world while taking care of myself.

I will share a few key details that I have never shared before. The first is about my sister. Have I written about her? Have your read about her? I have tried my best to keep the details of our relationship secret because it is the subject of my script. I've known many a screenwriter and playwright in my time and there is a built in and valid, protective paranoia based on fear of having ideas stolen. I've stated that I want to make money with my writing. I've always thought I'd like to write a screenplay and am now in class to do so. My class is showing me that maybe I'd be better served to write short stories or books or articles, but I haven't made up my mind because any new endeavor is always a bit rocky at first. So, now you know the subject of my script, and maybe you already knew it. Maybe I haven't divulged any details, so let me continue.

Yesterday, I did two important things besides going to see "Secretariat." They are as much a part of my catharsis and healing as seeing the movie.

Before going to see "Secretariat", I went to the local library, got a new card, checked out two autobiographies (Jane Pauley and Eleanor Roosevelt) and three DVDs (Adaptation, and two Romantic Comedies), and bought six books for $4 (Autobiographies about Edward R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, and Sir Lawrence Olivier; "Wicked", "The Trumpet of the Swan" by E.B. White and "Twice Upon a Time" for the title and main character name). I am a library person. When I was a child in the country, my next door neighbor was the local Children's Librarian, and I am grateful to this day. I love libraries. I am at completely at peace when I am in a library. It is a comfort zone. It is a sanctuary.

After going to see "Secretariat", I called my sister. Since you don't know our story, you do not understand the miraculous nature of that simple statement. There are some who have heard the story, but they still don't know it entirely; nobody knows but the two of us. The call started as I was driving home. When I arrived in my driveway, I turned off the car and continued talking. It was a beautiful night, and there was no need to go inside. We talked for a long time about what's going on in our lives and were dismayed that they are so similar now. We listened. We laughed. We cried. We supported. We swore like truck drivers. We bolstered each other. We comforted each other. When the call ended, we were stronger. We share a common history formed when we were very young. Some people are amazed at how much we both remember from those years, but we think it is because of the trauma we both experienced. At this point, we're quite certain that the events were seared into our memories because of how events played out. We know what very young children can remember because of what we remember. We are both in heartbreaking situations, right now; but we'll survive. We provide sanctuary for each other.

I'll give you one important detail. My sister is not my blood sister. My parents only had two children, and I am the only girl. My sister is my sister, and I am hers due to circumstance and choice. Our circumstance just happens to be based on time spent together before the trauma that happened when we were very young. Our choice is based on many factors, but one is certainly unconditional love.

Yesterday, I spent the day in the sanctuary of the library, the movie theater, and my sister's unconditional love before returning to the sanctuary of my home.

Statistical Post - Historic Post

"I'm up over 70% (Unique Visitors - whatever that means) - AGAIN! ... and that's since I installed the counter on May 11th. Started the blog on April 8th. Also, in 8 days, I've almost hit the same number of visitors as I did for the whole month of September. Wow. I'm absolutely amazed and delighted. This is Post #183. It is official. I have been blogging for six straight months. I am one post "behind" on my goal of writing something every day. I will now rectify that. :D"

I just posted the above as a Comment on my 183rd post, "Mending Broken Clavicles, Broken Spirits, and Working for Peaceful Change." With this post (#184), I am officially caught up, for the time being, with the number of posts I should have given that I started blogging on April 8th with a goal of writing something Every Day. I've missed days along the way, but now the total number of posts and days are equal. Consistency is hard, huh.

I'm going to suggest a previous blog post for those who like stories about horses and "plucky, stubborn little girls." Here is the link to "You Know You're Getting Old -----> and Star, the Welsh Pony Short Story."

http://forwardatfifty.blogspot.com/2010/04/you-know-youre-getting-old-when.html (yes, the link still needs to be copied and pasted because I haven't figured out the whole link thing with this blog site, YET! -- Good Loard. shakes head in disbelief)

A Search for Star - The Welsh Pony should also work, or just Star, etc.

I like the story, and it shows how my blog has progressed.

Here's to SIX MONTHS of Blogging! It's really boosted my spirits and improved my writing skills. It's helped in more ways than can be imagined in more areas of my life than I imagined.

OH! I have to also mention that the numbers of Norwegian visits will soon overtake the USA visits if things keep up. Wow! Tusen Takk, Norge! You've given me added motivation and some inspiration about future posts. Quite frankly, the new global nature of my blog has given me quite a boost. I've discovered that Thor and Cycling are subjects of interest. I'm wondering if Knitting, Crocheting, Horses, and "Life As An Unemployed American" might also be of interest. We are hitting Cycling's Off-Season, you know. Basketball, anyone? Oh yeah, it's Football (American) over here ... whatever.

Thanks so much to you, My Readers! I truly hope that you are enjoying these posts as much as I am.

Take care & Good Luck to All of US!

Mending Broken Clavicles, Broken Spirits, and Working for Peaceful Change

As promised, today's post is about broken clavicles. Of course, there will be more to it than that.

Recently, it was announced that Road Cycling World Champion, Thor Hushovd - (excuse me, but doesn't that just sound wonderful?!) ... It was announced that Thor is putting off having the plates (and screws?) removed from his clavicle surgery; so that, he and Cervelo Test Team can show off the Rainbow Jersey a bit before the end of this year's Cycling Season.

"Good decision," I thought, "That will be great for him and the team. After all, I still have the plate and screws in from my clavicle surgery in 2006.... hmmmm."

Yes, Thor is like me in that we have both broken our clavicles. We both had accidents that resulted in the same injury. His accident was while training. My accident was while driving, and I got a broken wrist, too. He was out doing something he was supposed to do. I shouldn't have been driving that night because I was far too tired and upset. Same result, though, sorta ...

I was impressed that right after the accident, his first concern was for the little girl that he hit. He is a good man. There was no one else involved in my accident, thank God; so I remembered my pain and knew a little bit about how he must have reeled when it hit him. I think that is what's behind his statement, "First I tried to help her, but I soon realized that I was not able to and there was something wrong..." Oh yeah, something painfully wrong.

I was so concerned when I heard about Thor's broken clavicle, but then I thought about Lance recovering so quickly; and that, Thor had trained with Lance. I also thought that being younger and an elite cyclist, he would have the best of care and do his best to be in shape for the upcoming Classics Season. I had faith in him and continually sent him my best thoughts. I knew it would be painful and difficult, but that he's used to pain and difficulties. He's a very determined sort, so I was confident that he would endure and succeed. Little did any of us know how well he would do.

I wondered if he had one of those amazing little electric cooler things like I had that pumped ice cold water into a pack that was wrapped around the injured area. I have to say that these electric cooler thingies are one of the best inventions of all time, but I'm completely biased.

I pictured him in Physical Therapy and remembered my own Physical Therapy. He would have the best. I had the best, too.

In my life, I've had some wonderful coincidences, and being assigned to my Physical Therapist was one of them. His name is Jerzy, and he is a retired Professional Cyclist from Poland!

"Of all the Physical Therapists in all of the world," I would think to myself.

I started working with Jerzy as a result of injuries suffered during a rape. I was a mess. My back and knee had been severely injured, and my spirit was broken. That man, that Physical Therapist, Jerzy, did more for me than any Psychological Counselor ever did. In fact, the therapist and psychiatrist that I saw actually did more damage than good. Jerzy not only put me back together physically; he put me back together emotionally.

I would go in, and he would cause me great pain. After the pain, he would hook me up to the electric stimulation machine and pack my body in hot sand bags or ice packs or both. For twenty minutes or so, I would just lay alone and cry silently. My tears were a combination of tormented tears and grateful tears. The whole experience was a release that set me on my way three times a week for about ten months.

Jerzy would check on me while I was laying down, and we would continue to talk cycling. He was full of stories about riding in Communist Poland and his disappoints and thrills. He told me about a miraculous mountain crash he had where he went flying over the tree tops, landed, grabbed his unbroken bike, and finished the race in second place, I believe. He told of how he was rejected for the Olympic squad due to factors that he didn't think were fair. Through his cycling stories, I started to regain my hope and my humor.

Of course I would talk about Thor and try to convert him. He did take an interest and appreciated my enthusiasm.

We talked all things cycling, and I began to heal. We talked about our personal lives, and I began to heal. Jerzy worked his Physical Therapy magic, and I began to heal. I started riding my bike to appointments, and I continued to heal.

As far as my broken clavicle, the circumstances were so frustrating and ill-timed with only myself to blame that my recovery is still going on. It's one thing for the bone to finally mend. It's quite another to get over the guilt and anger for doing something stupid that could have and should have been avoided. Ah, the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" thing pops up, and I am reminded to that going forward is all that can be done. Still ...

It was Jerzy who put me back together as best as he could after I broke my clavicle, too. He was still at the hospital, and I returned asking for him. Sometimes, people are put in your life to help you in ways that you don't even know that you need help and certainly aren't expecting to get from them. These are the people that I have come to be very grateful for. Those serendipitous combinations that do seem as though there is a force greater than all of us is hard at work looking out for our well-being. This is a part of my childlike spirituality that I get grief for sometimes, but I have learned that there are more people in the world who appreciate these things. I have a few of these people in my life, now. I am grateful.

I wish I still knew where Jerzy is. He has left the hospital, and I have forgotten his last name. I thanked him continuously while he was treating me and wish I knew where he was because he was just that good. It's hard for me to let go of good people. It's hard for me to accept that someone wonderful can come into my life for a short period of time and then completely disappear. sigh.

So you see, when I heard that Thor had broken his clavicle it brought up a ton of memories; painful memories. We have all seen how he has healed on every level. Oh, to be an elite athlete with resources or simply have resources and a bit more determination and discipline. Still, Thor continues to inspire me, and it's never too late, right?

His spirit has been well restored besides his physical prowess. Through hard work and determination, he's accomplished quite a lot this year, huh. I just can't stop smiling when I think of Thor Hushovd, Road Cycling World Champion. If you only knew how absolutely thrilling and affirming it is for me here in the States; a Thor fan when so many are Lance or "other" fans.

I still have a long way to go to overcome my emotional and physical pains, but I have two hands, two feet, and a working brain; all is not lost. My spirit is battered as is my body, so little bit by little bit I will continue to struggle on. Besides, I've found that if I make up my mind to be happy about my life and focus on my dreams that things are better all around. It is so easy to get caught up in the difficult situations that are beyond my control. I must focus on what I can control and leave the rest to those magical forces that work so serendipitously in my life knowing that they work in the lives of those I love, too.

Broken bones like broken spirits do mend. At least this is what I will focus on. I can do no good unless I heal myself first, and I really want to do some good in this world; more good than I've already done.

Which leads me to the last bit of my post ....

I saw today that Norway has given the Nobel Peace Prize to Liu Xiaobo, a Chinese dissident who participated in the Tienanmen Square Protests in 1989 and wrote "Charter 08." He is a peaceful activist who was sentenced to eleven years in prison last year just before the release of "Charter 08." The link to the Yahoo News article is below:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/nobel_peace_prize

I can actually tie this event to Thor. You see in 2008, Thor was willing to boycott the Opening Ceremonies at the Beijing Olympics because of Human Rights issues. It turned out that he did not participate at all due to his health, but he did take a stand. I also appreciate that about him.

I am so proud of Norway for awarding this Peace Prize to Liu Xiaobo in the face of threats from China about future relations. Kudos to Norway for not giving in to being bullied by the Chinese Government. I have read one article about the Chinese Red Army being involved in Blood Diamond mines in Zimbabwe that was posted by a friend living in the USA who was born in Zimbabwe. Yesterday on "Charlie Rose", a man was talking about Iran's covert methods of getting around sanctions and China's potential involvement with Iranian businesses. With China holding so much of the USA debt and their increasing influence in all parts of the world, it is imperative that light is continually shed on their Human Rights abuses. Can't tell you how happy I am that Norway has awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to Liu Xiaobo, a worthy Chinese citizen who also inspires me to strengthen my spirit and work towards greater understanding through gradual, peaceful change. I hope the world will listen and take action as a result.

Norway does so many things that I am proud of, and this is just one more to add to the list. It makes me feel better about myself when Norwegian organizations and Norwegian people do wonderful things. Makes me think that I can do something wonderful in a wonderfully brave way, too, simply because my ethnic heritage is Norwegian. I think the USA could really use a good dose of Norwegian, right now. :D

OK, the sun is coming up, and if I hurry, I might catch the sunrise over the lake. Have a great day, All.