Bicycle! Bicycle! Part 2

That night after I had taken my inaugural ride and phoned my friends, my dad told his story over the dinner table.

"We've been looking for a bike for you for a long time now," he started.

"You have?!" I interrupted, "Why didn't you tell me? I would've stopped bugging you."

"Bugging us?" he replied, "You mean we wouldn't have had to listen to all your whining and nagging? You would've stopped? No, you would've kept it up til you got it."

"No I wouldn't have," I pouted.

"Do you want to hear the story or not?" he asked and continued, "Anyway, we've been looking for a long time. There wasn't a ten-speed to be found in town. I even checked into ordering one for you, but the owner of that hardware store wanted all the money up front," he turned and looked at me, "Never pay all the money up front, especially if you haven't seen the merchandise," he looked down at his plate and continued, "Now where was I? Oh yeah. So I went to all the hardware stores and the sporting goods store. Nothing. Then today, I'm walking down Fourth Street, coming up on Coast-to-Coast Hardware, and I see this guy wheeling out your ten-speed. I grabbed it before he could even park it outside the store, wheeled it inside and asked, 'Who's gonna sell me this bike?' The owner came walking up. 'We just put that out there,' he says. 'I know, and I want to buy it,' I tell him. 'Well, it's eighty dollars.' Eighty dollars," he paused, "That's a lot of money."

"I know," I replied, "Thanks, Dad."

"Thank your mother, too. She's as much a part of this as me, you know."

"Thank you, Mom."

"... and before you go thinking that a thank you is all you're in for," he continued, "You'll be taking out the trash, now. That's your responsibility. You'll make sure to empty all the house trash on trash night and get it all out to the curb. OK?"

"Sure!" I replied, "No problem."

"Better not be," he continued, "Eighty dollars is a lot of money, but they say Columbia is a good brand; so you should have this bike for a long time," he turned and looked at me again, "If you're going to spend a lot of money on something, be sure it's good quality," he paused, "or something you really, really want and will use a lot and take care of. Your mom and I really, really wanted to get you a new bike. I just can't believe that today I was just walking down the street, and it showed up right in front of me. You are the proud owner of the ONLY ten-speed for sale in this town."

I smiled,, said more thanks yous, promised to take out the trash, and somehow got wrangled into dishwasher, vacuuming, and babysitting duties, too. My parents were always good at delegating. They were also very good at teaching me that if I wanted something I'd have to work for it, preferably without whining. I smiled some more thinking about how I had whined, begged, nagged, and negotiated til I got my way.

"What are you smiling about," my mom asked me.

"I don't know."

"I swear," she exhaled, "If I had a nickle for every time you say, 'I don't know'. OK, well you can load the dishwasher. We're all done here, right?"

Dad and I nodded. Mom got up and started to take my two-year-old brother with her.

Before she left the room, she turned to me and said, "Honey, you've had a pretty rough time for a lot of years with all your times in the hospital and all. I'm glad the surgery worked. You're doing so much better now. I know that it was hard to keep up with your friends on your Sting Ray, too. It makes us happy to be able to do things for you and get you the things you need. I just wanted you to know that. We love you."

"I know," I responded and looked down at my lap.

"We'll love you even more once you have the dinner dishes taken care of," my dad teased, "Oh! ... and it's Trash Night!"

He got up laughing and turned on the TV that was right in the same room. I rolled my eyes and got to work. We could all hear my little brother screaming as Mom tried to get him into the tub. Dad and I rolled our eyes and laughed until Mom called for Dad to take over. She came out into the family room/dining room, looked at me and flopped down on the couch. While I cleaned up the dinner dishes, we talked and laughed.

The next day when my friends showed up at my house to pick me up for our ride to rehearsal, we all had to take a moment to admire my new bike. Everyone approved. Everybody was awed by my parents' willingness to spend so much money. Karl was especially impressed that Dad bought the bike without even asking how much it cost. We were working class kids who were constantly educated about making money last, spending it wisely, and going without when needed. After we'd stood in my driveway for a bit too long, we took off with me in the lead. We had so much fun riding to rehearsal that day. We thought we might be late, so we raced as fast as we could. It was AWESOME!

Arriving early at the campus, I realized that I didn't have a lock. We all cracked up. I was able to lock my bike up with Shawn's, so no problem; but we knew what our next campaign would be. Good thing it was much cheaper and very practical.

That summer, when I wasn't going to rehearsal with my friends, I spent a good deal of time alone. Being a creative child, I often found things to occupy my time; like taking apart my ten-speed and putting it back together. When I say taking apart my ten-speed, I mean taking it apart down to the last nut and bolt.

Less than a week after receiving my expensive ten-speed, I spread out two white sheets in our garage and laid out each piece in order as I disassembled my bike. After it was in pieces, I put it all together again. This was my idea of a fun afternoon.

It freaked my dad out. Maybe it would've been better if he hadn't home early, opened the garage door expecting to put his car in the garage found me and my bike pieces in both parking spaces. I can't imagine his horror at seeing his eighty-dollar investment in pieces on his garage flood with his daughter looking at him with a guilty, sheepish look on her face.

My dad was a pretty good actor, though. He got out of his car, walked nonchalantly into the garage, and said, "You better have that put together again before your mom gets home," he stopped at the kitchen door, turned around and continued, "She'll freak, and we'll never hear the end of it."

All I could do was reply, "OK. What time is it?"

Since I got no response to my question, I continued merrily disassembling my bike. I placed the last, teeny-tiny, ridged washer on the sheet; stood back and surveyed my accomplishment. I was so proud.

It was at that moment that my dad poked his head into the garage, "You haven't started putting it back together?! Do you know what you're doing?"

"Of course," I lied, "Can't you see? I've got it."

"Well, get going. Your mom will be home in about half an hour."

Being a typical teenager, I balked. I surveyed my accomplishment from multiple angles. I tip-toed around the cables, chain, metal clips, nuts, bolts and washers. I examined the frame and was amazed at how light it was. Holding the handle bars, I pretended I was racing. Pretty soon my pretending ended, and I stood and looked at my bike in pieces; lots and lots of pieces. My pride dissipated and turned into doubt.

"Oh my God," I thought, "What have I done?"

I stood motionless for a moment and stopped myself from crying. I stopped myself from going to get Dad.

"It's OK," I thought, "I did it this way so all I have to do is backtrack. That's all I have to do."

I took a deep breath and picked up the teeny-tiny, ridged washer. I realized that backtracking wasn't going to be as easy as I had planned. I got to work and consciously calmed myself numerous times. As I got each piece put in place and parts started too look more like my bike, I gained confidence.

All was going well until the garage door went up again. There was Mom sitting in her car rolling forward to park on her side of the garage. There I was on her side of the garage still putting together my bike.

"What!" she exclaimed as she tumbled out of her car, "What have you done?! Does your father know about this?! What have you done?!"

She stormed past me before I could say anything. She opened the kitchen door yelling for my dad and slammed it behind her. I could hear her inside yelling for my dad to come out to the garage and take care of things.

"We paid eighty dollars for a bunch of pieces strewn out on the garage floor?!" I heard her yell through the double-thick metal door, "She better know what she's doing!" she continued, "Don't tell me it's going to be OK."

Silence. I put my head down and got to work still being careful to get every piece back in place. I wasn't going to have one of those bikes where all the pieces were back in place except for one nut or one washer or a clamp or.... That would drive me nuts. All pieces came off. All pieces were going back together.

The kitchen door opened. My dad was standing there. He was just standing there with such a look of exasperation.

"I told you she'd freak," he said, "Didn't I tell you that she'd be mad? Well?"

"Yes."

"So do you need help?"

"No."

"OK. Look. I know you can do this. You took it apart. You can put it back together. Your mom knows you can do this, too. She just needs to see it. OK?"

"Yep."

He closed the door, and I kept going. They knew I could do this. I knew I could do this. I did it!

Within the first week of having my most prized possession, I torn it apart and put it back together. Every single piece went back on the bike. I was proud.

I went in to get my parents to show them that all was OK. They came out to the garage and inspected the bike like it was a new baby or something. They checked everything.

"OK," Mom said, "Now you'll never do this again, right?"

"But I put it all together again," I balked and continued, "Besides, if it needs repairs, I can do them. That's cheaper," I offered.

"Well, you don't need to be taking the whole thing apart and putting it back together again for a long, long, l o n g time, right?" Mom responded.

"Nope."

"OK. Mission Accomplished," said Dad, "Good job, by the way."

"Yes," Mom said, "Good job. Sorry I got so upset. I was just ... surprised."

This is when I learned the difference between good surprises and bad surprises. My mom was a very good teacher on this subject.

So that was that. I had a new ten-speed, a new gang of friends, and a summer of pure bliss. Since I'd had successful, corrective surgery to cure my previous five years of being very ill; I was a new me, too. Little did I know the number of times that I would become "a new me." Little did I know that I was developing the skills and being taught so many important lessons that would take me through all the changes in my life. I was just a happy kid with a new bike, new friends, doing a ton of fun stuff because I had pretty good parents who loved me and took the time to teach me some of the most important lessons in life. Dang, I was lucky.

My parents spent eighty dollars on a new Columbia boy's ten-speed for me in 1971! The fact that it was a boy's bike made it cooler back then. I had the coolest and most perfect bike in the world. I had it for a decade. We had a lot of adventures together. :D

Bicycle! Bicycle! - Part 1

Yep! I finally did it! I got up. Got dressed in my bike gear (sans shower - a bit "ewwww", I know). Put my "street clothes" on over my bike gear. Added helmet, shades and gloves - et Voila! One bike ride accomplished. It was a small bike ride. Only about a half hour, but I broke the "get up, turn on computer, get coffee" routine - 1 Time. Here's to building a pattern on this one.

I need a new pump, since I discovered mine is broken. Any suggestions? I really should have one that I can take with me. To the best of my recollection, I've never had a flat while riding my bike anywhere. I'm thinking I might be due after forty-five years, so I want to be prepared.

Of course confessing that I've never had a flat while out on the road also implies that I don't know how to change a flat out on the road. Hmmmm. Not to worry. I have sitting next to me, "The Complete Bike Book" by Chris Sidwell with Foreword by (the infamous) Ned Overend. Ta Da! (I paid $3.99 + tax for it, too. Gotta love my Sale finds.)

"The Complete Bike Book" is pretty darn complete. The parts that I'm mainly interested in are "Maintaining your bike" and "Health and fitness." It's structured and concise. I need structure, so I'm thinking, "What if I just approach this as an experiment on following a program rather than focusing on 'losing weight and exercising'?" I mean, what if I kind of conduct an independent study program about becoming a cyclist - Again.

You see, the summer between 6th and 7th grade, after much whining, begging, nagging, and negotiating on my part; my mom and dad surprised me with my first ten-speed. It was a Columbia, sparkly, rust-colored ten-speed that I had until I moved to California when I was twenty.

I gave it to a dear friend before I left the Midwest. I hear he rode it all over the place. I heard he rode it "to death." He's dead now, too. I miss him more than the bike and am glad that he was happy with my gift to him. He sure did smile and thank me a lot.

The situation that prompted my parents to break out the big bucks, over eighty dollars, on a ten-speed was a practical one. I was involved with the local Children's Theatre program at our relatively new community college. This summer I had a bigger part and better cast mates. I found out that three of my fellow cast mates rode their bikes to rehearsals practically passing by my house. Since my parents knew and were friends with one boy's parents, and because they knew of the other parents and approved of them; I was granted permission to ride along with the group. This was my first experience of "complete" freedom. The good times started on the first day Karl, Shawn, and Jay showed up at my door on their ten-speeds.

I pulled out my Sting Ray, hopped on, and said, "OK. Let's go!"

"You're riding that?" Jay said.

"Yeah."

"You'll never keep up," said Karl.

"Sure I will."

"Doubt it," retorted Jay.

"Come on," said Shawn, "We'll be late," she looked at me and continued, "Don't worry about it."

We headed out, and I soon learned that peddling my Sting Ray to keep up with them on their ten-speeds was really hard. I was consistently at the back, peddling for all I was worth while they seemed to glide along effortlessly.

This is when the whining, begging, nagging and negotiating started. When I got home from my first day of riding to rehearsal and back, I started in. My parents turned a deaf ear informing me that a new bike was not in the budget; and that, since I had wanted to ride my bike, I was stuck with my decision and my Sting Ray. Goodness. This was not the response I was looking for. I had a big dilemma.

Karl, Shawn, and Jay were pretty cool kids. They seemed to like me just fine. Riding my bike made me feel all grown up. I wanted to be part of the gang.

Karl was funny and cute. He looked very much like Jimmy from "H.R. Pufnstuf" with his Prince Valiant hair-cut. He was very intelligent and had a habit of telling us the exact time whenever we asked, which we did a lot just to hear him say, "It's 10:37 and 25 seconds," or something similar. Karl was cast as the Prince in Rumpelstiltskin.

Shawn was absolutely beautiful and nice. She had long, wavy, sandy, blonde hair. She was intelligent and confident, too. She would often put the boys in their place and was happy to be my friend. Shawn was cast as the Princess in Rumpelstiltskin.

Jay was funny and nice. I'd known him for years through church, and because his dad was a ref; and my dad was a coach. Jay's whole family was nice. Comedic character parts were Jay's specialty. Jay was cast as the Head Guard in Rumpelstiltskin.

All three were way cooler and better looking than I was, or so I thought. I was an awkward, skinny kid with a pronounced under-bite who was stuck with a Sting Ray. I was cast as Rumpelstiltskin's mother; a witch.

Given that my parents were unsympathetic to my plight, I had a decision to make; continue riding my bike with the group to rehearsals or get a ride from one of my parents. I opted for riding my Sting Ray. I'm glad that I did because as the days went by, I started earning some respect. I didn't whine about having to ride my Sting Ray to my friends. I just peddled as hard as I could to keep up with them. We even had races on our way to the campus. I never won, but I started coming closer and closer to winning. My friends told me that I really needed a ten-speed. I told them that I was working on it. They offered to talk to my parents on my behalf. That made me very happy, but I declined their offer. Looking back, it would've been fun to see my parents' reaction to "My Negotiating Team" and their pitch.

We spent a lot of time together because when we weren't in rehearsal, we would camp out in a lounge in the theatre building, watch TV, eat God-awful food from the vending machines, drink too much pop, and play Yuker. Yuker was a revelation to me. I'd never played before, and learning this new game was fun. We played every day after rehearsal and after getting whatever "food" we wanted from the vending machines. This "food" included sandwiches that could be heated up and lots of candy and chips. On occasion we actually paid money for apples, oranges and bananas, too. Our Yuker games became all consuming. We held tournaments. We switched partners and held more tournaments. I fell in love with Yuker.

It was during our Yuker games that Karl, being the oldest and the recognized intellectual of the group, started coming up with negotiating strategies. Shawn and Jay chimed in. I listened and got ideas of how to continue my barrage of appeals. I added my insights into my parents' psychology. We developed numerous plans of attack that I reported on each day. Strategies were devised to circumvent all objections. Arguments perfected. Timing was discussed. I had a team helping me lobby for what I truly needed!

Life was pretty darn great! My new friends saw that I didn't whine; and that, I accepted my circumstances. They realized that I was a strong cyclist because I really did start keeping up with them, even while they were switching gears. It didn't hurt that I was a pretty good Yuker player and caught on quickly. Of course there was the that wonderful fact that we all got along famously. We really did. They were there for me and vice versa. I wasn't pitied. Getting me a ten-speed was an auxiliary project we undertook while enjoying our time together. Winning Yuker tournaments and surviving the very annoying guy who was playing Rumplestiltskin took up even more time than figuring out how to get me the bike I needed.

It's amazing what can be accomplished when the right team is put together. When they focus on accomplishing their goals and support each other wonderful things can happen. Of course, we didn't realize it at the time. We were just figuring out ways to get "our" way; ways to wear down my parents' resolve based on "factual information" as Karl would say. All of a sudden my dilemma became the group dilemma. After all, we could make it to rehearsals and do more things together if I had a ten-speed just like they did. Our focus was solution-oriented, not just for me, but for the group as a whole. All of these perspectives were duly offered to my parents. With each rejection, I came back with a revised suggestion. My

Our group became a gang. My gang helped me wear down my parents. We were a gang. We were a Theatre Gang. We were a Cycling Gang. We were a Gang of Kids when being a Gang wasn't a bad thing. Our Gang was very much like the "Our Gang" kids on TV. We were good-natured, amusing, hard-working, intelligent, nice, fun kids who were all about doing something about whatever obstacles faced us. To our credit, we were pretty successful at achieving our goals.

Regarding "The Ten-Speed Campaign", one day my dad came home and asked me to go unload the trunk of his car. I groused at being told to do yet another task for my father, but stomped off to get whatever it was that he wanted me to get. Opening the front door, I saw a ten-speed bike sticking out of the trunk. Of course, I ran over to the trunk and got MY NEW Ten-Speed Bike OUT!

"My Bike! My Bike! You got me My Bike!" I screamed and looked back at the house. Mom and Dad were standing in the doorway with huge smiles on their faces. It was a very good moment in our family history; one of the best.

There is more to tell, but in the interest of length; I will stop here, for now. So now you know that my theatre involvement was one of the reasons I got my ten-speed. Kind of a strange fact.

I also learned the value of teamwork, collaboration, working hard without whining, and the joy of finding people I got along with who liked me. There were so many good things surrounding this ten-speed. No wonder I will never forget it. That's how it is sometimes. Looking back at the events surrounding one material object are just as or more meaningful than the object itself. Thing is, I know why Thor kissed his bike. I bet a lot of us know why he kissed his bike.

In any case, I have more than half of the rest of the story written, so I'll either post it tonight or tomorrow. I think I'm all caught up on my "numbers" for posting every day.

I'm learning that going back to the things that made me happiest when I was a kid seems to be something that is very beneficial for me, right now. I'm looking forward to my cycling plan. I'll keep you posted and finish this bike story up with the next post.

Take care! :D

Grateful NOT Dead

I am grateful for my NAMI Family-to-Family class. It's proving to be extremely informative and supportive. I highly recommend that anyone who has a loved one with mental health/brain disorder issues or has mental health/brain disorder issues themselves to check out NAMI at www.nami.org and take a class or two. There are classes, support groups, seminars and resources available for everyone. NAMI is a group that I will support for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for my children because I am a better person because of them. Under the category of children, I am grateful for my grandchildren, too. I can go on and on about all of them, but let's just say that I love them, am proud of them, and am happy that I was blessed with them.

I am grateful for many generations of a good family. I consider myself lucky to have such wonderful grandparents and parents.

I am grateful for second, third, fourth... chances. Sometimes it takes me a while to learn what I need to learn, so I am grateful that life has afforded me so many opportunities.

I am grateful that I have a working bicycle because riding is one of my favorite things to do. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

I am grateful for music, dance and all the arts because through them I find joy. I'm looking forward to dancing more. I'll keep you posted on that one, too.

I am grateful that my Unemployment check should be in my account tomorrow because we need groceries, and bills need to be paid. I plan on buying good food specifically focused on eating at least five times a day because I want to lose weight and be healthier.

I am grateful that my Financial Aid should be in my account by next week because there are more bills to pay, and a cushion will be nice to have again. It will also allow me to get the Mac that I need for my school work and future professional work.

I am grateful for this blog because it provides an outlet for my creativity and insight. It has also proven to be an excellent exercise in consistent writing which is proving to be very beneficial.

I am grateful for those who listen to me and allow me to express myself. Today I a few wonderfully nice and intelligent men let me say a few sentences to him that helped me a lot. I have continually thanked them for their understanding, support and patience.

I am grateful that I have decided to treat myself to a movie on Friday night. I am going to see "Secretariat" because he is one of my heroes. He holds a very special place in my heart, and I can't wait to learn more about the people who were around him. I love horses and have started looking for jobs around horses as a result. I need to smell the beasts and be around them again. I'll keep you posted on this one, too.

I am grateful for lots of things, but mostly, right now, I am grateful that it is time to go to bed and get some much needed rest. I have had a long hard day and need to replenish my body and my spirit.

Here's to tomorrow and all it may bring. I am truly starting over in my life. The totality of this event is mind-boggling, but I'm a plucky sort who manages to find a way to carry on even it I do annoy the crap out of a ton of people. :D

OH! AND YES! I AM GRATEFUL FOR THOR HUSHOVD! :D

The Wee Small Hours - and other thoughts.

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning
by David Man & Bob Hilliard

When the sun is high
In the afternoon sky
You can always find something to do
But from dusk til dawn
As the clock ticks on
Something happens to you

In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the girl
And never even think of counting sheep

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be hers if only she would call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss her most of all

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be hers if only she would call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss her most of all

Frank Sinatra's version of this song is my favorite. I grew up listening to Frank. My parents were big fans. Face it. "Old Blue Eyes" had phrasing down to an art form not seen since his passing. His voice? Well, I can still hear it in my head. Thank God. How lucky were we?

My mom and dad went to see Frank Sinatra in concert once. It was my dad who was standing, cheering, and going nuts over the man's singing. That's always made me smile.

So I'm posting this at 7am after being up for about a half hour because every morning I wake up thinking about my granddaughters, my daughter and son-in-law. The lyrics can apply to all of us in some way.

I hope the "forces that be" are listening to me. I hope all the professionals understand what's going on. For now there's nothing that I can do except do my best to do my best - and - stay positive.

Since I haven't had a love interest in over fifteen years, most of the love songs that I hear tend to remind me of my children, my grandchildren or a few friends. Guess that's the way it is with love songs; the words are about love and can be transformed into something that touches each individual's heart in the way that they need.

I'm particularly fond of Chrissie Hynde and The Pretenders for "I'll Stand By You." Michael Stoller and Jerry Lieber's "Stand By Me" is a favorite, too.

I met Michael Stoller a couple of times and may have written about it. I met his wife, Corky Hale, too. Corky Hale played with Frank Sinatra. When I met them, I was clueless about their musical accomplishments. I just knew they were nice and wanted my ex to do some construction work for them. I think about them so often because they were nice. I hope they're doing well.

This morning I am grateful for music. Of all the arts, I love music the most. It is the foundation upon which dance is built, or at least in my world it is. I do not play an instrument and have a so-so singing voice, but I can dance thanks to years of training. When I put on music and dance, I am at my happiest. It's downright spiritual. Since it is too early to turn on the music and dance because I would wake the household, I am going to go listen to nature's music because that's another good thing for me to do.

At the risk of blowing it completely, I will tell you that I am going to get this posted and then head out for a bike ride or a walk. I have plenty of time before I go to class. It is something good I can do for myself that I really need to do for myself. I have to continue to lose weight and get in shape.

Good Luck, Everyone. Count your blessings because that will help you get through the rough times. Focus on the positive and do your best to make the changes you want to make in your life. I know it's hard, believe me; but remember that we all struggle, so none of us are alone, really. Carry those you love in your heart and maybe things will get even better. Here's hoping, huh.

OK, now the challenge is to actually, "Step Away From the Computer." tee hee :D

Thank You!

Well, today's been a wonderful day. I just got done watching Thor win the Worlds. Awesome!

My blog doubled it's hits today, so far. I posted it to the Cervelo Test Team site, http://www.bicyclegroup.com , the Facebook Group page for Forward @ 50, and the Team Hushovd page on FB, too. Of course, it was a special day and a focused post. It's been pretty cool, though. Nice to know there are so many Thor Fans in the world. That's the other thing, the blog has gotten hits from all over the world. I'm really very happy.

Tomorrow I'm back to Digital Sound to have my first assignment critiqued. Wednesday is Scriptwriting and individual conferences. Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow and Tuesday.... Oh yeah, gotta write some script pages. Yikes!

Can't say that every day from now on will be as exciting and wonderful as today was, but we'll see what happens.

Thank you to all the people who have been reading my random posts since the beginning, and thank you to the people who have showed up along the way. Of course, you're always welcome to continue stopping by to see what strange and silly thoughts are going through my head.

I do need to do an update on the whole goals list thing and finish The Princess and Gadyen story.

All's going well. Eating right, drinking water, could be exercising more, keeping the house clean, and doing the homework. Guess it will be back to the boring and mundane bits of life that I really do appreciate. Still, today was thrilling. Makes me wonder what else I might write that would interest people as much.

Thanks World. You really came through for me today.

Thanks Thor for setting such a great goal and achieving it. You continue to inspire and delight me.

To quote a great man, Mr. Edward R. Murrow, "Good Night and Good Luck."

THOR HUSHOVD - WORLD CHAMPION! - Am I Surprised and Thrilled? YES!

You know how it goes. Get up in the morning. Turn on the computer. Pour a cup of coffee. Sit down to check your email.

Lo and Behold, there's a little message from Cervelo Test Team that says, "Thor Hushovd new road champion." WTF!?!?!

I just sat and stared. I was not only speechless; I was motionless. I played the words around in my head for a bit, "Thor is World Champion? Thor Hushovd, World Champion."

Finally I clicked on the email and read with my own eyes, as opposed to the eyes of someone else, that yes, indeed, Thor Hushovd is the New Elite Men's Road Cycling World Champion. Amazing.

http://www.roadcycling.com/articles/Norwegian-God-of-Thunder-Thor-Hushovd-Wins-2010-Road-Cycling-World-Championship_003931.shtml

Now I know for most of you this is of no importance, so allow me to take you on a bit of my journey as a cycling fan. It goes like this....

In 1974, I went to Europe as part of a group of French and Spanish Language students from my hometown. There were twenty-seven students and six chaperons. We'd spent about a year and a half planning our five week trip. We landed in Germany, went on to Belgium, then to France, Spain, made a memorable cut through Italy, on to Switzerland, and back to Germany to go home. We drove three VW Buses all over Europe and had a great time.

We planned each stop; what we would see and how long we would stay. We were in France during Bastille Day, another memorable stop. In case you don't know, Bastille Day is on July 14th. This is not only important because it is French Independence Day, but because this means that we were in France during Le Tour de France.

I'd learned about Le Tour de France from Monsieur Chatelain in French class when I was in 7th Grade. There was no coverage of it on US Television, so it was alluring and mysterious. It was also just plain crazy to think that people would ride their bikes for twenty-one days for so many miles. The "craziest" cyclist of them all was Eddy Merckx, "The Cannibal", a Belgian who has to be regarded as the greatest cyclist of all time.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddy_Merckx

I wanted to go to a stage of Le Tour since we were going to be in France in July. Dang Democratic Voting! I was out-voted, and we ended up going to a perfume factory or something. The perfume factory won out over the cave drawings, too. Excuse me, but "Stupid Classmates!" Needless to say, I was not an entirely happy camper. Winning the T-Shirt Design contest did help, but I still didn't get to see Eddy Merckx ride for his final and fifth Tour victory. HARUMPH!

Well, the net/net of that experience, and growing up in a town where riding a bike was an acceptable means of escape from the parental homestead, was that I became a Cycling Fan. I was very happy that the Wide World of Sports had their first coverage of Le Tour de France on July 26th, 1975.

So, I've been following cycling in some way since The Seventies which is rather difficult being an American and not having full coverage and all. I remember news of the 7-Eleven Team riding in The Eighties. Phinney and Hampsten were my favorites. Who can forget Greg LeMond's brilliant 8-second win in the 1989 Tour. I can still see him crouched over his aero-bars as he plowed down le Champs-Elysees. The "Lance Years" were truly thrilling because they started when I worked for the cable company, so we had free cable; and Le Tour was televised LIVE Daily - and - Replayed at least twice a day. July became "Le Tour Time." The sound of Phil Ligget's and Paul Sherwin's voices crooned throughout my home and at work, if at all possible, every moment of every race day that I could have them on. These were thrilling days that gave me much joy, but not because of Lance, so much.

It was during the 2001 OLN (Outdoor Life Network, now VERSUS) Coverage of Le Tour that I became aware of Thor Hushovd. He was the only Norwegian in the field. There was only one Tour cyclist from Norway, and it was Thor Hushovd.

You see, being 100% Norwegian in a country known as, "The Melting Pot", is a rather strange experience in this day and age. As a result of this, I am overtly pro-Norwegian. I used to way that I was Norwegian-American, but that phase has passed. Still, I take notice of all things Norwegian (and hope to go there some day). I am very proud of my ethnic heritage. Everyone should be as proud of their ethnic heritage(s) as I am, imho. Every culture has done something good. It's just that Norwegians .... ;)

Anyway, while he USA was buzzing about Lance Armstrong going for his third Tour win, I was rooting for Thor Hushovd to win sprints. Lance was exciting, of course, but my eyes were on Thor. Thor was my cyclist. Everybody else could have Lance. I was happy to have Thor "to myself."

So from 2001 until today, I have been Thor's "biggest fan" in the USA. My friends at www.bicyclegroup.com can vouch for my single-minded fanaticism. Other cyclists may get my respect and admiration, but Thor holds my heart and loyalty.

He's a Sprinter. Sprint finishes are exciting ... and frustrating. He's a big guy for a Sprinter, but he's developed other skills making him even more exciting and interesting.

Throughout the years, I have spent much time yelling at Phil Ligget, Paul Sherwin and Bob Roll for not mentioning Thor's name during races. I've yelled at them for discounting his talent. I've yelled when he won. Oh, how I've yelled when he's won. How I've held my breath, too. I've watched in sheer delight while others discounted The God of Thunder's prowess. To me, these cycling days are all about Thor Hushovd. Man, am I lucky.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thor_Hushovd

In 2001, he came in first with his teammates on the Credit-Agricole team during the Team Time Trial (TTT). Their kits (what a cycling "uniform" is called) were green, my favorite color. Side note: I would like to see more TTT stages in Le Tour. It's an amazing bit of riding to witness.

In 2002, he won his first stage of Le Tour. I brought the house down. I started watching the Green Jersey (le Maillot Vert) race with new fervor. Green is my favorite color, after all.

2003 there was nothing in Le Tour. :(

Thor showed up for the 2004 Tour wearing the Norwegian National Championship jersey for both Time Trial and Road Race. What a beautiful jersey. It's perfection. He also donned the Yellow Jersey (Le Maillot Jaune) for the first time during Stage 2 and went on to win Stage 8. It was starting to seem like even years were Thor's years.

In 2005, Thor showed with little Norwegian Flags on the arm bands of his Credit-Argicole jersey signifying that he was again the Norwegian Time Trial Champion. He didn't win any stages, but ended up winning the Green Jersey (Le Maillot Vert). Now this brought controversy because to be a Champion without winning stages is, well; it makes people discount the achievement. Right, Phil, Paul and Bob? ... and so many others! HARUMPH - Again! Technically speaking, le Maillot Verte is the jersey awarded for the "Most Consistent Rider." It is referred to as the Sprinters Jersey because it is based on Sprint Points accumulated, as opposed to Climbing Points used for the "King of the Mountains" Jersey (a red polka-dotted jersey). Still, my man had won Le Maillot Vert, so "Sod Off", Everyone! :P

The 2006 Tour was the most dramatic Tour to date for Thor. He won The Prologue (the individual time trial that starts Le Tour) and donned le Maillot Jaune. The following day at the end of Stage 1, a freak accident had him on the road with blood spewing all over, or so it seemed to me. My Thor was hurt and bleeding! It was gushing out! He'd gotten cut by a fan's souvenir; one of those large, green hands that were handed out prior to the race. He was back for Stage 2, though. He regained le Maillot Jaune for Stage 3. The rest of Le Tour he rode well, but it seemed doubtful that he would win le Maillot Vert, again. Still, he won Stage 20 on le Champs-Elysees! This is a much coveted victory. In 2006, Thor won the first and last days of racing in Le Tour! He did not defend his Maillot Vert, but he finished Le Tour in grand style.

In 2007 & 2008, Thor won one stage in each Tour. I saw a tweet from Lance Armstrong about pictures with Thor during the off-season and smiled because riding with Lance meant that Thor, who always struggled during mountain stages, was training with Lance and most probably improving his climbing abilities.

2009 saw one stage win for Thor during Le Tour, and more importantly, it saw one of the most amazing rides by a Sprinter or any cyclist ever. On Stage 17, Thor took off for points during a mountain stage. This surprised everyone. His riding was brilliant. He won the Combativity Jersey for his efforts that day. He went on to WIN le Maillot Vert that year after shutting up his nay-sayers and Mark Cavendish. It was clear that he was a worthy victor.

Wearing the Norwegian National Champion's jersey, again, Thor came to Le Tour to defend his Maillot Vert. What a sight for sore eyes. (I'd indulged myself with a $30 Live Streaming subscription on VERSUS for Le Tour) While this year's Tour was exciting to witness, Thor came up short-handed in the defense of his Maillot Vert. It was a well fought battle that had the Green Jersey switching backs quite a bit. Thor was amazing, again, with stellar rides throughout the mountains. He just isn't fast enough to out-sprint Cavendish, most times; and this year Alessandro Petachi had an amazing Tour and won le Maillot Vert. Of course, Petachi is currently being investigated for doping.... hmmmm.

So I get up this morning knowing that Universal Sports will be airing the World Championships at 7pm tonight and discover that MY MAN, Thor Hushovd, has gone and won the thing! Now I know it's a one day race, and any rider who has a good day can win it. It's just that Thor had a good day and won it!

There is no better present for this Thor Hushovd fanatic. Well, maybe there is, but this will do. It feels so good to have stuck by him all these years and to have seen the improvement. From all accounts, he's also very nice. He's married now and has a child. He was born in 1978.

So here's to Thor Hushovd! He's won more races and stages besides Le Tour de France stages and races that I've outlined, and you can check them out through the Wikipedia link I provided. It even has his World Championship win today!

Here's to Cycling! - even with all the doping stuff - because no other sport has participants who have to give their whereabouts 24/7/365 just so someone can show up and stick a needle in their arm.

Here's to 1978 - because it is GREAT!

Mostly, here's to the creatures who inspire us all and bring us joy. I say creatures because I can't wait to see "Secretariat" - but that's another story, that I've already told.

Kudos to you, Thor! You are World Champion! It has been and will remain my pleasure to be your "Biggest Fan" in the good, ole U. S. A.

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


This is the poem that Nelson Mandela used to recite to fellow prisoners and the basis for the title of the film, "Invictus."

Here is the Wikipedia link to the "Invictus" page....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invictus

I will be memorizing this one, too. :D Gotta find that strength somewhere.

Best to you all tonight. May only good come your way.

Helpful Links related to Suicide, Bullying, Gay, and Mental Health Issues

Raymond Chase Commits Suicide: Fifth Gay Youth to Take Life in Three Weeks. (link below)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/01/raymond-chase-suicide_n_746989.html

Suicide, in general, has been something that I've been concerned about for years. A good friend of mine committed suicide when we were in high school. A dear friend committed suicide just a few years back.

I've also been concerned about Bullying for ages since I was bullied, and so were my children. We're not alone in this as many are bullied every day. In fact, to some degree, you might say that my family is currently being bullied by a few who don't like us.

Too many times the result of bullying is suicide. I know that I grew up with thoughts of suicide as a direct result of being bullied. It was a bitch.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (http://www.afsp.org/) has all kinds of suicide information. It's a valuable resource and organization.

Stop Bullying Now (http://www.stopbullyingnow.com/) has fantastic information.

There is also a government site through the Department of Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) called, Stop Bullying Now, that has films and more for children and adults (http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/).

For those who are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and/or Transgender these links may be helpful for both youth and adults:

The GLBT National Helpline (http://www.glnh.org/index2.html) offers phone and Internet support to all ages.

GLAAD, Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, (http://www.glaad.org/)also has information for all.

Gay Family Support (http://www.gayfamilysupport.com/) offers support to parents who have gay children.

These are just a few of the websites that people can use to alleviate their suffering and take action to create a more compassionate and understanding world for all of us.

As always, I also suggest visiting the NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, (www.nami.org) simply because when it comes to suicide and bullying so many other factors come into play. People who are diagnosed with brain and mood disorders are far more often the victims of abuse than vice versa. The risks of suicide among those with Mental Health issues are greater than for the lay public. Coincidentally, National Mental Health Awareness week starts tomorrow (October 3 - 9, 2010).

I've often said that mean, ignorant people are the bane of my existence. Here is one post aimed at decreasing their numbers.

Peace be with you.

EMINEM - Catharsis & Transformation

Underneath depression is anger.... It's important to get to the anger. It's important to express it.

Aristotle and Plato went head-to-head on their theory of violence on the stage. Aristotle believed that violence on stage was cathartic and would allow the audience to go on with their lives without acting out their own violent thoughts. Plato believed that violence on stage was detrimental and would cause the audience to act out their own violent thoughts. The debate continues today. Both may be true. Personally though, I'm a follower of Aristotle.

Catharsis is a marvelous psychological tool. An imagination can go a long way to relieve a person's turmoil. The Arts specialize in bringing darker images and thoughts to "life", so we don't have to. I've always had respect for those who are brave enough to allow their vulnerabilities show; their good and bad. When done right, these artists do create something that can be transformational; life changing.

Throughout my life, I've battled with depression and anxiety. It's only normal that during more stressful times that the symptoms increase. For a while I took an anti-depressant/anxiety medication. It was very helpful, and given my current circumstances, if I had insurance I would gladly take a "happy pill" again. Given that I do not have insurance and have not found a way to get into see a doctor, I have resorted to handling my emotions as best as I can without medication. I've lived a long life and acquired a few skills, so it is a bit easier now; but it is still sloppy. Still, I slog on with hope of finding a bit of relief every day.

I've found relief in nature, exercise, responsibilities, prayer, meditation, films, and music. Today I found relief and motivation through one of my favorite artists, Eminem.

http://www.eminem.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eminem

I became aware of him a bit late in the game when the gay/lesbian community got upset with his lyrics. I started listening to his songs a lot. My take on it was "artistic expression" much like Ice-T's "Cop Killer", a song I liked because it expressed a view prevalent on the streets of LA at the time. Is Eminem anti-gay and telling people to go out and hurt gay people? The jury's still out, but Eminem has recently come out in favor of gay marriage. Of course there's that famous performance with Elton John, too. Still, what I appreciate is the courage to throw so much anger out on the stage. It certainly brought homophobia to light in a big way. Eminem has spoken about his "inner demons" and I'll let it go at that. He put it out there. He was brave enough to be vulnerable even if that vulnerability was vulgar, grotesque, and hateful. He said he was writing from the perspective of his alter-ego, Slim Shady, a street thug. Whether or not people believe his explanation, he wrote words I've heard people I know say. He put an attitude in his art that I have personally experienced. Was it right or wrong? Is there a right or wrong to this issue? It goes back to the old Aristotle/Plato debate.

As a side note, was Ice-T telling people to kill cops? Ice-T's own interviews at the time state that he was relating the attitude he was hearing on the streets; and that, he was not telling people to kill cops. The song was taken off of future releases of the album, "O. G. - Original Gangster." What I would give to have the original pressing. As a further side note: Ice-T was the first portrait I ever drew - from a picture. I still enjoy watching him on SVU.

So on to Eminem, or Marshall Bruce Mathers III, who is still controversial and open. He's got three songs out now, "Love the Way You Lie" with Rihanna, "I'm Not Afraid", and "No Love" with Lil Wayne. He's back and amazing as ever. He combines artistic skill and heart with anger.

When I first heard "Love the Way You Lie", I thought of so many Lennon/McCartney songs where a wry hook would be added - a bit of spice (sarcasm or whatever) - to break up the sweetness. It's certainly poignant since Rihanna is in it and the subject matter is domestic violence. Can't say it's my favorite of his current songs, but it's not bad and has an important message with good lyrics.

"I'm Not Afraid" got me out of my slump. When I heard it, I officially started to love Eminem. The song is an uplifting and energizing anthem to his sobriety and offers hope to anyone going through similar difficult times. He makes a public promise to his fans that some might point to as delusions of grandeur, but it's Eminem. Not only do I believe his words, I believe his intentions.

The "No Love" video was premiered yesterday. I've watched it a few times. The song is angry, violent, and vulgar; but the circumstances are equally atrocious. The video depicts a young boy being bullied at school. It sample's Haddaway's "What is Love" that we've all come to know through SNL's Roxbury Guys. It's definitely a different take on the song that I appreciate. "No Love" speaks to standing up for yourself with lyrics like, "It's a little too late to say that you're sorry now. You kicked me when I was down..." and "You showed me nothing but hate. You ran me into the ground, but what comes around goes around..."; and then, Eminem goes into one of the fastest, yet understandable, raps I've ever heard. The man can enunciate! :D

I get so caught up in trying to be spiritually loving that I get overtaken with despair. It's one thing to be nice and loving, but that doesn't mean that I stuff my anger and let people walk all over me. I'm learning with Eminem's help.

He is controversial, has some terrible lyrics about women and gays, and throws his art out into the world with a vengeance. I respect artists who do this. Whatever the art form, I love seeing something that is well made that moves me; be it anger, righteousness, laughter, tears, and mostly thought. Controversial artists make us think.

Thank you. Through Catharsis, I have been momentarily transformed. I have another trick in my bag. I'm thinking Eminem would be great to work out to. Starting out my day with a bit of Eminem, coffee and breakie sounds brilliant.

It's time to stop... and remember another great artist, Bill Cosby, who said, "I don't know the key to success, but I know the key to failure is trying to please everyone."

Do you ever.... ???

Do you ever get so preoccupied by events in your life that it permeates into your work, or prevents you from doing your work all together? Just wondering.

My Grandma Norlander said that having a job when she was going through difficult times was great because for eight hours a day she didn't have to think about her life. She was a strong proponent of working. I'm with her.

I've been pretty lucky lately to have gotten as much work (housework, job search, and homework) done as I have. In fact, I'm quite proud of myself. It has been a saving grace.

Just wanted to be clear that I'm tired of being falsely accused of being something that I am not - and - "suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." I'm hoping that some day I will be more like the people who don't take it as personally as I do. You know, the people who get mad and don't get sad. You know, the people who do something about it because they are able to use their pain and frustration to motivate themselves. I want to be one of the people who make a positive difference in this world when it comes to cruelty, bigotry, and ignorance. I am working on it every day. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I just wanted to get that out. It is possible to be positive and strong in the face of adversity, right Nelson? Right, Martin? Right, Oh Suffragettes? Right, Eleanor? Right all my heroes and heroines? I'd like to be my own heroine. I'd like to be my children's heroine. I'd like the mean people to make a loud popping sound.

sigh.... I really need to get back to bed. The fever is building and the aches are stronger. Once glass of water, my pj's, and some old-time re-runs on the tube - Here I come.

I will not fail my children or grandchildren, nor the rest of those who may need a bit of help in hard times. Time to take care of myself, so I can continue the hard work of taking care of everyone else who needs me right now.

Grace in the face of adversity is a quality that I am working on. I'm a little rough and raw on this one, but with effort things will improve.

The trials and inequities that some others suffer are so much greater than what I am going through. There are so many going through tough times right now. I really need to put things into perspective. I need to keep busy doing good deeds to pass the days of longing. My pain is nothing in comparison to the pain others feel, and I know this.

"The Lord is my shepherd......"

Oh No! Peter Max....

I can feel it coming on. I've got some sort of bug brewing. Figures. My warp drive life has finally afforded me a weekend to myself, and I am going down. Figures. Work, work, work - collapse when all is a bit better. sigh

Well, I guess it's not all bad. At least I don't have anyone depending on me for anything for a few days and the house is pretty clean. There's food in the house, including chicken soup, too.

sigh. I had feeling something coming on. The little scratch in my throat. The aches and pains that slowly build. The interchanging sweats and chills that grow as my temp rises. My blurry vision and eye pain. The cough that keeps getting stronger and more frequent. The tears that come no matter how much I try to stop them. sigh.

Guess I'm headed back to bed to ride it out. Water and rest. :P

All the laundry in the house is done. Can't remember the last time I had all the laundry in the house done at one time. The kitchen, living room, office, bedrooms and bathroom are about 90% clean. It's been a while on that one, too.

OK, this sick baby is going away. I really am a baby when I'm sick. I feel so alone when I'm sick. All those memories of the times spent in the hospital as a child and being a single mom for so many years. You know? There hasn't been anyone to take care of me when I'm sick (or well, for that matter) in over two decades. I really didn't think my life would turn out this way. See what I mean about being a baby and sitting on my pity pot? I'm pathetic when I don't feel good.

What I would give for someone who loves me to give me a gentle touch and tell me that everything is going to be OK. People would say that if I wanted it badly enough that I would go out and find it. As we say in Chicago, "I've been busy." I have been busy raising my children and helping people. Haven't ever found the right combination of qualities in any of the men around here.

I've long suspected that I don't fit in, and it seems to be proven more and more every day that I'm here. Just for the record, I don't fit in in my hometown, either, so don't even go there. I don't know where I fit in. I'd like to think Europe somewhere, but who knows.

It doesn't matter anyway. My children and grandchildren are here. I want to be close to them because I love them more than anyone else in the world. It's been proven to me that being unjustly separated from them is the second most painful experience I've ever gone through. I can't tell you the pain I battle every day. Supercilious people are the bane of my existence. So are mean, ignorant people.

I'm going back to bed with a couple of notebooks and my crochet project. Nothing like crocheting a present for someone to hammer home "everything." The Beatles "Yellow Submarine" notebooks that I got on extreme sale will be fun to write in. I am doing more and more private writing these days.

OH! ... and once upon a time I had the opportunity to interview Peter Max, the artist that "The Yellow Submarine" animations were based on. You do know Peter Max, right? Well, in any case, I asked him if he had any advise for aspiring artists. He said, "Draw every day. Practice your craft every day." He was a very charming man with the softest hands I've ever felt. We shook hands.

OK, on that inspiring note, I will now go find something wonderful about being sick and living my life. I am grateful and know that, in a little bit, my strength will return. See, taking care of myself for all of these years means that I know how to go through the various stages and pull myself up. I do hate feeling funky though - unless there's dance involved somehow. :D

Busy, boring day - sorta

Well, I've been busy since about 6am. Not bad. Got to bed around midnight.

Really nothing wonderful to report other than I've been cleaning up a storm, and the place is looking better. Laundry and dishes going well, so far. We'll see what else gets done.

Truly nothing else to talk about. I'm going to get back to work. See you later.

Something New

I've received two emails today thanking me for applying for two positions and informing me that the positions have been filled. I was also encouraged to continue to check their websites for future employment opportunities. This is new. Usually I don't hear anything. It made me feel a bit better, I guess. I did check out one website and applied for two more positions. I'll check the other website later.

Did I receive these emails because I impressed them, or are they just nice that way? Does it matter? sigh.

Looking for work is trying, but I'm slogging on. Better get to class or start cleaning some more. I'm still exhausted, but am slogging through that, too.

On Balance During Difficult Times

When you are kind to someone in trouble,
you hope they'll remember and be kind to someone else,
and it'll become like a wildfire.
- Whoopi Goldberg

I woke up struggling today. Exhaustion, frustration and fear overcame me. The pain of the last few months pressed down on me. My only recourse was to go back to sleep. I realized the cause of my emotional and physical turmoil, so I did what I needed to alleviate it.

I woke up on the hour for the next five hours. Each time I awoke, I noticed that the pain was diminishing. At 10:30am, I got out of bed and started my day.

I found the following link on "Putting Others First." It helped me put things in perspective. That warm glow I've come to know and love started to grow. The fear started to go away.

http://www.stgeorgegreenville.org/TenPointProgram/Putting%20Others%20First.html - you'll have to copy & paste to see it.

While this site is about leading an Orthodox Life (whatever that means) and heavily Christian-based; it did help set my mind and heart straight.

After reading the above bit, I chose the following link - Quotes on Volunteerism:

http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/volquotes.htm - again, copy & paste the address

There are some tremendous quotes from tremendous people about the true nature of love and giving. They helped me move forward even more.

So, I'll leave you all with these things today as I go on with my day focused on putting others needs ahead of my own in a healthy, helpful way. I'll be continually reminding myself about balancing my needs with the needs of others; so that, I can do what needs to be done in the best possible way. I'm finding the nuances of life are even more challenging now than they were just a few short months ago and that rising to meet these challenges is making me a better person who finds delight in flexing new and long-forgotten muscles.

Take care. Much Love. Peace. I'm off for a bike ride, some homework, drinking water, and improving my diet - BECAUSE - I deserve my own kindness as much as others do.

Inspiration

So far, this is what I know today.

Psalm 23:1-4

The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want
He maketh me lie down in green pastures
He leadeth me beside still waters
He restoreth my soul
He guideth me in paths of righteousness for his namesake
Lo, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I shall fear no evil
For you are with me
Your rod and staff
They protect me
You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
My cup runneth over
Certainly goodness and love will follow me all of my days
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever.

Memorized that today while on my way DOWNTOWN! Downtown! I got to go Downtown! I love going Downtown! It's still amazingly inspiring and beautiful. I have to go inside the First United Methodist Church on Washington. The place has captured me. I am completely intrigued and need to satisfy my curiosity. Beautiful steeple on top of a multi-story building with a Harris Bank on street level. I am just too intrigued.

It is a perfect day weather-wise.

My car is in the shop getting necessary repairs and postponing unnecessary ones.

My children are beautiful inside and out. They are OK and will be OK long after I am gone. I had a couple of amazing "Mother Moments" today. There is nothing that makes me happier than those special moments when I observe something wonderful between my children. I got a bunch of those experiences today. ... and yes, I teared up; but my children didn't know because I was wearing sunglasses and walking behind them. I am immensely proud of both of them.

I am tired because I only got about three hours of sleep last night. I am going to take a wonderful nap during this perfect day. While pulling out the hammock is tempting, I'm just too tired. I can always dream that I'm sleeping in the hammock.

After my nap, when my car is ready, I'm going to ride a bike over to the shop to pick it up. It's a perfect day for a bike ride. Oh pure joy and contentment.

"Big Fish" is playing in the background. I love this movie, and so does my dad. It's well worth a viewing.

That's all I know, People. Take care.

Good Morning

Well, I'm happy to report that I successfully completed my first assignment for Digital Sound. If I knew how to upload the pieces, I would; but I don't, so I won't.

The Noise piece was meant to be annoying because it was based on my experience in an empty stairwell on the second floor at school. All I could hear was the ventilation system, something that sounded like a jack-hammer, and my ears ringing. My time in the stairwell was painful. Still is was an outstanding bit of sound, so I tried to recreate the loud, annoying experience for everyone. I did this one first and am glad that I did.

The Music piece was light and happy because it was based on sitting alone in large lecture hall listening to the sounds in the hallway. It was nice to sit in a darkened room all alone and just breathe. At the end of my five minutes, I heard someone walk by with keys on their backpack that provided the the rhythm of my piece. I really liked making this piece.

My Music/Noise piece was based on my time sitting by the Military Memorial at school. The location is pretty and peaceful with three flags flapping in the wind. The piece I put together didn't reflect the peace at the Memorial; but rather, it reflected a tiny bit of what a soldier might go through while deployed. Dissonant music underneath explosions, machine guns, gasping for air, babies crying, screams and finally the silence of the flag flapping in the wind. I'm really quite pleased with it. I kept thinking about who we are memorializing with a Military Memorial and what they might have gone through before they died. I guess this might be my message piece.

I've known a few veterans in my day, and none of them ever wanted to talk about the wars that they were in. One was a Pearl Harbor hero and my elementary school, best friend's father. Another was a Vietnam vet who lived across the street from us up on 13th Avenue who attempted to kill himself and had PTSD. I dated another Vietnam vet who had been a helicopter pilot; he was 30, and I was 20. The last most notable vet runs a plumbing business in the town I used to work in, and his daughter is a vet, too. I've known more veterans, but these four stick out in my mind simply because they touched my heart in some special way even though each experience is as unique as they were and are.

Well, that's it for this morning. I started to write this last night at about 12:20am, but my computer decided to go all wonky. Glad the blog site saved what I'd written.

I'm off for another marvelously productive day. My jeans are clean and laying right behind me. Hmmmmmm....... :D

BUSTED!

If this blog is about Accountability, then I have to take a moment to bust myself on a few issues. We'll start with today:

1. It is hours since my first post, and I have yet to go do my laundry allowing me to walk to the beach. Harumph!

2. I have yet to start my third project for class tomorrow. Harumph!

3. I have yet to eat or drink water. Harumph!

On the other hand, I have written another post. The second post was fun and easy. I've already gotten positive feedback.

Actually, the two posts I did today even sort of qualify for a bit of my writing assignment for Scriptwriting, sort of. Doing some character study writing is a part of my writing assignments, and I certainly did detail some of the more notable characteristics of two fantastic women.

Thing is that I have to do my Digital Sound work, and I am procrastinating. It's silly, really. Once I get going I love this stuff. I will finish this and get set up to succeed at Digital Sound.... after I throw that load in the wash and eat something.... REALLY!

One of the biggest time sucks today has been the discovery of the "Stats" section on my blog. It is fascinating to see the numbers, graphs, demographics, and what-all; but it is also confusing. As a result, I believe there are bots that hit on my blog; but I'm not worried since no spam has shown up. If the stats are correct, I have more readers in Norway than in the States. Here's a big, "Hei Norge!" to my Norwegian brothers and sisters!.... Cousins? Hope I'm not boring you completely. I've also had some hits from the UK, which would follow since I have emailed links to some people I've met in the UK. The hits from China, Russia, Latvia, Germany, Sweden, Thailand, and Brazil might just be bots; or people traveling or who knows. In any case, like I said, "It was a huge time suck." ... and reinforced my resolve to keep things interesting and rather generic for now.

I also had to take some time to deal work on scheduling for today and the rest of my week. I've also made all the necessary phone calls to schedule the rest of my day and waiting for more information for the rest of my week. The good news it that I have eight uninterrupted hours available today for all the homework and housework that I care to do with the possibility of that walk to the beach still hanging on. It's a perfect day for a walk to the beach, or at least a walk somewhere. It's also a perfect day for homework and housework.

So there. I've busted myself and take responsibility for my silliness.

BB just called, and we had a chance to talk about both creative and work related stuff. That was nice. :D

Before I go, I've counted up the number of posts that I am "behind" on. After this post, I will be "behind" by five posts. This might mean that in the coming week, I do two posts a day. If this is the case, I'll do my best to keep them short and interesting.

OK, I'm jazzed to get started on the other parts of my day. I'm especially jazzed about getting my third Digital Sound project done. It's based on the time I spent listening by the Military Memorial at school. I'm looking forward to finding the sounds and music for this one.

"This time for sure!" Bullwinkle shouted and dashed off after Rocky on yet another attempt at success.

SURPRISE! - SA's B-Day Present

One of my favorite things to do is buy or make a present for someone while showing it to them and telling them it's for someone else. My aunt did this to me once when she was buying some horse figurines, and it was so great when I opened the present to see the horses that I had picked out for someone else were for me.

My latest knitting project was basically finished on September 21st, and I'm happy to report that it has been gifted to SA. I told her it was for a friend of mine who's birthday is coming up. I asked her opinion about it multiple times and tested it out on BB in front of her to see if it was long enough. It is a scarf/shawl made of light-minty-green, almost turquoise, fuzzy, soft yarn. I reinforced my lie by telling SA that I couldn't make something for her because I didn't want to step on her grandma's toes because SA's grandma knits her the most amazing scarves. Being the diplomat that she is, SA said, "That's OK. I have a whole trunk full of scarves."

Now the first time I told SA that I wouldn't make her anything because that's what her grandma did for her, she responded with a disappointed, "Ahhhhhhh...., but....."

SA then proceeded to get me a book on knitting for my birthday. I am a beginning knitter, and the book she got me is a great instructional flip book with all kinds of stitches and patterns and stuff. I can see it from where I'm sitting.

It dawned on me that it would be a big surprise if I did knit her something, so I set about designing something special for her. A lot of thought went into the design. It is a custom, one-of-a-kind scarf/shawl, or sharf, as I like to call these things that I make sometimes; long enough and wide enough to cover the shoulders and arms if needed, yet made from a yarn that allows for just wrapping it around a person's neck, if desired.

SA is a very strong, hard-working young woman. She takes her familial, school, and work responsibilities seriously. She is tough. She's also a great athlete and takes pride in being better than the boys in her current soccer league. I worry that she doesn't eat and sleep enough to keep up with all the demands that she has on her time, so I nag her about it. I think she's getting better at taking care of herself. She is also funny, kind, and loyal. SA has a heart of gold with an equally stellar mind. She is not perfect, but she is open with me about those things that trouble her. For all of her tough exterior qualities, I've seen a gentleness inside her that brings me to tears. In some ways, she reminds me of me when I was younger. I was never as good an athlete as she is, but I did dance and took great pride in doing my best. She is competitive and struggles with all the nuances involved with being competitive.

AS I was saying, though, for all of her tough exterior qualities, I wanted to honor her inner softer, feminine qualities. This was the inspiration for my design choices. I picked the softest green yarn that I owned and set to work. I wanted it to be a bit looser, so I chose a size 11 knitting needle to work with the yarn that is basically a thread with fuzzy fibers coming off of it.

The entire width of the sharf is 42 chains. I knitted two and purled two and repeated to come up with a pattern equaling 21 changes for 9 rows. Following that, I knitted for 22 rows planning on making a total of 88 rows of knitting separated with the 9 rows of alternating knitting and purling. I soon realized that I would have to make the sharf longer, so I added another 88 rows of knitting and one more set of 9 rows of the alternating pattern. So all in all the pattern is 9 rows of knit two, purl two making a pattern equalling 21 going across; 22 rows of knitting, another 9 rows of the knit two, purl two; 44 rows of knitting; 9 rows of knit two, purl two; 44 rows of knitting; 9 rows of knit two, purl two; 44 rows of knitting; 9 rows of knit two, purl two; 22 rows of knitting; and finally, 9 rows of knit two, purl two.

I had to redo the end where I bound it off because my stitches got too tight and it didn't match the ruffly other side. I'm glad I did that. It was a pain, but well worth the improved final version. That's right. I even made the sharf a bit ruffly.

BB delivered it to her on the day after her birthday, and she's called to thank me and tell me that I am really sneaky. Tee Hee. The weather has cooled off considerably, and I wonder if she's chosen to wear it anywhere, yet. I hope she likes it as much as she says that she does. I remember the first time I showed it to her telling her that I wasn't sure which project I was going to give to my friend. SA held the her sharf and said, "OOoooooo. sssooofffttt." :D

Here's to all my tough women friends. Please remember to honor your softer side, too.

Being Nice

I was talking with a friend yesterday about my choice to be a nice person. Their responses made me think about my choice for the rest of the day.

First they said, "Nice people get walked on", to which I responded, "I do what I want to do, and I don't do what I don't want to do." As I said the words, I knew that they weren't true. I knew that I've been walked on multiple times while doing things that I didn't want to do. I also knew that I've done things to help people because I wanted to help them even though I might not particularly like what I was doing or the time and effort it took to help. Still, by helping I was living up to my spiritual beliefs, so my reward was in the doing and not in the getting.

Secondly, they said, "Nice people finish last; they don't get anything." I responded that I didn't want anything. Well now, that's a bald-faced lie. There's plenty that I want. There's a whole slew of things that I want. It also brought up the whole "Doing -vs- Getting" issue.

I did tell my friend, "Being nice is a part of my spiritual belief structure. It makes me happy. I plan on living the rest of my days being nice because I intend to continue to walk my spiritual path."

My friend just said, "Oh."

It was the way that my friend said, "Oh", that is important, though. There was an acceptance of my choice. There was a calmness, and if I might be so bold, a loving air to that simple response.

So let's chalk one up for being nice, and let's define it a bit more thoroughly.

1. Being nice does not mean a person is unable to stand up for themselves. It means that they can do it in a nice way; firmly. "No," can be said in a very nice way and still means, "No." This will work most of the time with people who love and respect a person. Other measures may have to be taken with people who do not love or respect a person, or in the worst case, mean to do a person harm.

2. Being nice is not about throwing pearls before swine. The more difficult issue is determining if a person is dealing with a swine. There are plenty of charming and manipulative con artists in the world who make a lovely living off their victims.

3. Being nice is about being respectful and loving and using one's intellect and instinct. It is difficult, but through a lifetime of focus, a balanced approach can be achieved.

4. Being nice is about being nice to yourself, first.

I think #4 is the key. If I am nice to myself, first; then, I can make choices based on what I can and cannot do for someone else. I do not want to be a martyr. I do want to do good deeds, though.

So all day long, I was again thinking about my grandma while I did a bit of grocery shopping, clothes shopping, cooking, cleaning, and crocheting. My grandma was nice. She was also firm. She was a Second Grade teacher. She was a Christian. She did not gossip. She read her Bible at least twice a day. She changed with the times and according to the changes in her family. She was intelligent. She was a fierce Field Hockey player as a girl. She was the first in her family to go to college. She put her little sister through college because her father told her that she had to do it. She married twice and outlived both husbands. She understood her first husband, loved him, and had compassion for him that was ahead of her time. My grandma was ahead of her time in many areas. I never heard her raise her voice, nor has any member of the family that I've talked to ever heard her raise her voice. She liked some people and didn't like others. She did get mad. She turned the other cheek. She lived a peaceful, simple life. She did things that people didn't approve of and listened when they told her that they didn't approve of her actions. I've heard that her biggest flaw was that she didn't like confrontation and backed down too often. She worked from sun up to sun down when she had to and had wonderful vacations when she could. She could out go the Energizer Bunny and ran circles around me when I was five years old up until I was around forty years old. She was frustrated when her age prevented her from doing everything that she used to do. She loved me deeply and took the time to show it.

When I think about my grandma, I want to embody all her good qualities. I've always thought of her as a saint, but more importantly, I've seen her as a dignified, gentle woman who did stand up for what she believed in.

I watched her listen to a woman talk about how her husband had beat her. I remember my grandma's gentle words, "You have to leave. You have to leave and take your children." Grandma then let the woman use the phone to call her mother, and arrangements were made for the woman and her children to go there directly from my grandma and grandpa's house. I also remember that the woman's drunk husband came to the house, and my grandma lied and told him that she hadn't seen his wife and children.

About that time, my grandpa came home. Grandpa saw what was going on at his backdoor and offered to drive the man to his house after dinner. My grandma and grandpa had the man to dinner that night. They listened to him, did their Bible study without forcing anyone to join in with them, and lo and behold, the man opened up about how he'd been treating his wife. They listened some more, and suggested that the man might talk to his pastor about his mistakes. They suggested that he stop drinking because it didn't seem to be helping anything. They offered their support to his entire family. They told him that they wouldn't tell anyone what he had told them, but that he needed to get help because he was facing the loss of everything good in his life.

In about a week, the woman, her husband, and their children came to dinner at Grandma and Grandpa's house. While the adults played cards, the kids played. We all laughed and had a good time.

The next summer when I went for a visit, I played with the kids again and saw their parents. Everyone was doing fine.

I want to be the kind of nice that is wise, brave, caring and strong. I've seen what a person gets for being that way; priceless positive change. This is what I want out of life. I want the brains and heart that my "simple", country grandparents had.

I have failed so many times to be this kind of nice. The cost of my failure is immeasurably painful, and the only thing that gives me any hope is that I might be able to make amends and help turn situations around for the better. I realize that not all situations can be mended, nor is it my responsibility to mend them. I can, however, be a steadfast pillar of calm, loving, intelligent support. I can speak up for what I believe even when I'm told that people don't care. I can try. I know who I am now, and who I want to be in the future. It's all a part of my life's journey. I see it now. The only way to survive the heartache of my mistakes is to change my action plan; see the big picture and be the agent for change. It is time to put fear in its place and act upon all the good that is inside me.

It starts by being nice to myself, so I think that I will head off to do some laundry because my jeans are in the wash; and I'd like to go for a walk to the beach just one, measly mile down the road. I must remember what I thought when I left Topanga, "Here the ocean was just one mile down the road, and you locked yourself up in an 8 x 36 trailer all of those days. You silly, silly woman."

It is time to eat some breakfast, drink some water, and take care of me. I have homework to complete. I have housework to complete. I have so many things to complete today. It will be nice to take care of myself and my needs again today.

End of My Day

Well, I'm tired and feeling a bit sentimental. Spent a few hours with good friends tonight and left feeling so loved and supported. It touched my heart. My friend's parting words were, "I bet you get a lot of your prayers answered..." Well that really made me think.

Whatever the technical differences between meditation and prayer, I don't care. I do both. I also don't care about the differences or similarities between various religious beliefs.

I kinda do a bit of everything, but mostly my own thing that I've basically done since I was a child. I feel no need to belong to any belief structure; be it Christian or Pagan or anything somewhere in-between or outside. I've never wanted to live in a box, nor have I ever wanted anyone to know what I believe or believe like me. My faith and spirituality is extremely personal and private. Trying to describe it verbally is fruitless. It is too precious to be exposed to analyzation or critique. It is how I live, and the only way I want to live. It makes my life bearable and magical ... and yes, I do get a lot of prayers answered and receive answers through meditation. I consider myself lucky in this regard.

That simple comment sent me on a journey to my script for Scriptwriting class which, of course, made me very sentimental. It is going to be hard to re-write some of the scenes in my script. Shoot, it's going to be difficult to even write the first draft of some of the scenes. I think I should start with some of the happier scenes first to bolster myself for the hard work of writing the sad scenes. This story is the basis of who I am. It will not be the entire "true" story. It will be dramatized in some areas because it is being written in a screenplay format which is different than a book, play, documentary, television series, or poem format. I am again reworking the only real story that I've wanted to write since it all happened. A lifetime has been spent thinking about this story, living this story, and telling this story. Yes, I am obsessed; but it is a beautiful obsession with many happy and poignant bits and pieces.

You see, all the sentimentality is based on the totality of the experience; the happy and the sad. It is a story of a prayer answered.

The other part is that I spend a good deal of time meditating on various issues while keeping myself calm and open to any answers that may present themselves. My latest meditation had to do with how my grandmothers survived their troubles with as much grace and love as they did. I was blessed to have most wonderful grandmothers who were very different, and yet, very similar - to me, at least. Meditating on my grandmothers led me to meditating about life in general for so many in the world. I found myself just wishing everyone love, strength, enlightenment, and joy. I just focused on that.

... and wouldn't you know, that very night I met someone who had the answers to my meditations. It's an AHA moment that is not lost on me. It has given me my next step in my spiritual evolution. That's me. Always trying to be a better person. I know where I am lacking and am now ready to take the next step. Irregardless of the events of my life and the loved ones who come and go, I stand firmly on my spiritual path filled with faith that I will continue to be a better person and make myself happier with each passing day, in spite of whatever pain I may or may not be experiencing ... and I will never be alone, nor do I have to travel on my journey alone.

I am truly lucky, and I only wish that everyone can find the same strength and peace that I have found during my more reflective moments. I still struggle and fail, but I was recently told to write down something I said in class, "I like failure. My life is built on failure." I am not a book that can be judged by the cover. My pages are filled with complexity, contradiction, failure, success, and so much more. To judge me based on the superficial circumstances of my life is to negate the totality of my being. This is true for every living soul.

Peace.