#1 - "... and now that it's all over..."

GOODBYE
by Bernie Taupin & Elton John

And now that it's all over
The birds can nest again
I'll only snow when the sun comes out
And I'll shine only when it starts to rain
And if you want a drink
Just squeeze my hand
And wine will flow unto the land
And feed my lambs
For I am a mirror
I can reflect the moon
I will write songs for you
I'll be your silver spoon
I'm sorry I took your time
I am a poem that doesn't rhyme
Just turn back a page
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away

Here it is, Post 365. Somehow I thought it would feel more special. It doesn't. It feels like any other day. In fact, it feels like one of those grouchy, despondent days. sigh

So to quickly sum up what I've learned after a year of writing, I've learned that I'm still a work in progress. I've improved slightly over the past year. I lost fifteen pounds, started working out and meditating more, am eating more sensibly, and am concentrating on positive thinking more consciously.

I've met some wonderful new people over the past year and continued friendships with old friends. I've survived another rough year.

I guess I'm sad to see this go, after all. It's been a good run. I'm taking some time off; and then we'll see what happens as far as this thing goes. I know that very few people really read this thing, so I'll be thinking about that, too.

I've learned that thinking positively is very difficult for me. I am continually in the process of telling myself, "NO!", and moving on with forced positive thoughts or at least neutral thoughts.

I've learned that I will survive all the heartbreaks of the past years and all the years to come. I don't enjoy surviving them, but I do survive. It's so hard to think positively in these circumstances. sigh

Things that I knew before I started writing and remained the same are that it is very difficult for me to get started, once started it is very difficult for me to stop, exercise is good for me, eating healthier is good for me, and most importantly; I love my children and grandchildren and wish I could offer more to them financially.

I know that I am still lonely. I know that I don't trust adults. I know that I spend a lot of time not talking to anyone about anything.

I've learned over this past year that I have a knack for taking care of children and animals. I get very good feedback from their parents and from the kids and animals, too. It is something that makes me happy.

AS far as the unfinished stories about being an Extra and the Princess and Gadyen, well maybe I'll write them down on my own for my own. I don't know. The Extra stuff was pretty amazing. The real story of what happened during that time is tragic with a capital T. I still don't know where the Princess and Gadyen headed off to, but maybe some day I'll find out.

In all honestly, while I did get some great feedback on my writing skills and this blog, I don't consider it a grand success. It has served its purpose which was to break my writer's block. Now we'll see if I can do it without having an "immediate gratification" audience. I think I can because I got very little feedback written back to me, so I've established a pattern of writing expecting no input.

I am happy that I accomplished one goal during this year. I've also accomplished a few other life goals this year. I finally took Scriptwriting and Digital Video Editing. I finally took Yoga and T'ai Chi Chih, which is different from the T'ai Chi Chuan that I thought I'd signed up for; yet still good.

I'm still struggling to rebuild my self-confidence and positive attitude. It's been a really rough year, and it's going to continue to be rough for a long, long time. I'm battling heartbreak and grief. I'm in therapy twice a week to deal with some of it. Mostly, I try to stay busy or distracted; so that, I don't think about it. It's unbearable to think about most of the time. I try to focus on the positive aspects, but there are so many unanswered questions, so much meanness and hurt, and so few places and people to turn to as far as really expressing myself.

I am a work in progress. Life is a long journey. Those are the things that have sunk in this year. I wish I could be that angry cheerleader now, but I am tired, sad, and heartbroken. I thought I'd be in a much better place, have many more readers, and have found some amazing thing about me that I didn't know before.

I have to resolve not having money, losing out to people who have money and use it to defeat me and mine, and just being someone who doesn't fit in and doesn't want to fit in. I have to resolve my fears that my grandchildren will not know or appreciate me for who I am, and honestly, that not many people will appreciate me for who I am and what I am capable of if given support. I have to stop sabotaging myself, still.

I've learned that there is still so much to do, and I think I'm just closing my eyes, letting out a scream, and charging ahead. I have no idea if I'll be successful, but I know that if I don't try I might as well die.

Finally, I want the physical pain to stop. I just want to stop hurting because of my emotions or my physical injuries. I just want the pain to stop, so I'm focusing on figuring out how to make it stop, or at least, be able to bounce back more quickly.

To everyone who took some time to read this thing at some point or another; THANK YOU. Take care of yourselves, Everyone. Sweet Dreams. Peace.

#2: Wrap-Up - Part One

So let's get the dry stuff out of the way first. I started checking my "Stats" on a daily basis as soon as I discovered the tab.

I got very excited when my posts about Thor Hushovd more than tripled the number of people checking out my blog. I posted a link on the Cervelo Team site, the Thor Hushovd Fan Page on Facebook, and bicyclegroup.com. I did more marketing with that one, so to see that it paid off was nice.

I got very disappointed when I learned that a Norwegian cousin was studying technology and moved to Australia which coincided with my Norwegian hits disappearing all together and a surprising increase in my Australian hits. I think disappointed isn't quite accurate; I was mad, too. I knew about bots, so I always figured that some of my hits were automated based on buzz words and topics. I just didn't think that my entire Norwegian readership was this one distant relative and maybe a few other people. Ego bust and reality check.

By the time this thing is done, there will be a little over 7,125 hits for the year. That works out to approximately 20 hits/day. I have no idea how many of those hits are people who are reading the blog or are just bots bouncing around.

I do know that SA used to read my blog every day. I also know that GL and BB don't read my blog at all, and neither do 99.9% of my local friends. I've had a few family members read my blog for short periods of time and have actually severed relationships with some family members over what I've written. I've received accolades and compliments from distant friends and strangers about things I've written about. Other than that, I've received very little input on my posts.

My posts changed dramatically somewhere in the late summer/early fall of 2010 because, as I explained, my personal life was in upheaval and there were certain things that I was not willing to do in my blog, ie; reveal the personal lives of those I love in any depth, nor reveal my true thoughts and feelings on a whole slew of issues. I'd say the last half of writing my blog was less enjoyable because of this decision. It would have been nice to have a place to really write about the "real" story of what was going on. I think people sensed this and stopped coming by. One of the attractions of a blog like mine is eavesdropping on someone else's life. The information just wasn't juicy after one certain post that has been taken off the site, yet saved.

That particular post got both good and bad reactions. I decided to not have a relationship with my former-favorite aunt after she made her thoughts known to everyone in the family except me. I can honestly say that my life is getting happier since I decided not to have anything to do with most of my extended family. Most of my extended family decided not to have anything to do with me years ago, so I might as well accept it and move on; take the bull by the horns and decide that this is how I enjoy things. I don't really, but I have no control over other people, and if they're going to be uncommunicative, judgmental, ignorant, heartless people towards me; what do I need them around for anyway. Right? That decision only took me like thirty five years (35). Yeah, I've tried for thirty five years to regain some of these relationships. I've been laughed at repeatedly, called crazy, ignored, and simply been treated extremely unfairly by my blood kin in most cases; but not all.

I have two wonderful cousins who have stuck by my side throughout all of it. Thank you Danny and Joy. We don't really have a close relationship, but at least they haven't joined the rank and file. Should they decide that this is the best course of action for them, then so be it. I've given up caring about what other people think or do any more. See, I finally figured out that I deserve a happy life and if someone doesn't support my happy life, "Fuck 'em", right Danny and Joy? No drama here. Just the facts.

This latest sentiment is a result of a year's worth of writing about stuff. It's a fantastic revelation. While I still get hurt terribly by what damaged people say and do, I'm working on becoming more resilient and hopefully the chest pains and other physical pains associated from being stabbed in the back, maligned and ignored will disappear as I focus on shielding myself from other people's silliness. My time is too valuable to be wasted on fucked up people. At least that's what I keep telling myself. This too is a result of writing every day for almost a year.

I've gotten in touch with my anger and have decided that anger is better than depression, so I'm using my anger to go forward. I've decided to study law. My plan is to study paralegal studies, get a job as a paralegal and if possible continue studying the law by either getting my law degree or doing a fantastic job of research for whatever firm I work with. I want to know the law more than I want to create art, right now. I need to know the law. I will go even deeper in debt as a result of this decision, but so be it. It's my life, and for the first time I feel driven to learn something other than art, as in theatre, dance, fine art, crafts, writing, and whatever else falls into the very general art category. I really want to learn the law. I want to help myself and others with my knowledge of the law.

The motivating factors for this decision are many. Many of the stories that I've heard in my Domestic Survivors Group have fueled my desire. The way I've been treated by lawyers and the legal system has certainly fueled me on. Note to all lawyers who think I'm stupid, etc., "I'm coming out knowledgeable and focused on helping women, children and the disabled with a little dose of Intellectual Property Law insight to boot. Nobody is going to doubt my strength, intelligence, and sanity again; nor will they use it as a way to put me in my place and demean me. Better stuff your arrogance and attitude; I won't take it any more."

It's writing like the above quote that spurred my aunt to say that I have delusions of grandeur. Everybody likes to be an armchair psychologist. I have no delusions about the amount of work it's going to take and the financial obligations that I will be responsible for.

I also know that I'm going to NEED to know the law because of "certain factors in my personal life that I have chosen not to write about." For everyone who know what I mean by that; I'm preparing to spend every day til the day I die making things as right as they can possibly be. Many lives actually depend on things changing for the better, so I'll take up the task and do my best. I'll build a team of support. I know I'm not alone in my thinking and appreciate the support from those whom I admire and love more than anyone else on the face of this Earth.

See, I've finally just admitted to myself that as long as my son and his girlfriend love me, all is right with the world. As long as BB and SA continue to be the wonderful people that they are, I can do what I need to do to help the other people in my life who need more of my help. I am so lucky to have BB and SA in my life. I don't care about any of the mean people when I have a chance to be around them or just talk to them. They will be moving on soon, so I'm going to spend the next year and a half enjoying their presence; so that, when they go on their way I can wish them well and be happy for everyone. I can break it down to one person loving me as enough to motivate me to be the best I can be. I know that there are more people who love me, but for me right now, that person is BB. It has been different people at different times of my life, and sometimes animals have been the one who loved me when all seemed lost. It only takes one for me. I'm lucky.

Oh, and I guess really, the one is me. Yeah, you read right. That's the most important thing that writing for almost a year has done for me; I've fallen in love with myself again. I'm learning how to support my happiness and health. I'm engaged in my own life after years of putting everyone else first. It's a mixed bag of tricks, but I'm in for the long haul.

Yeah, this blog saved my life and my sanity. That's a bit of all right, huh.

#3 - "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

Yes the title of tonight's post comes from Al Franken's character, Stuart Smalley. Just think, the man who created Stuart Smalley is now one of our country's representatives. I like Al Franken quite a bit. I'm glad he won. I wonder how he's handling Washington, and how Washington is handling him. I'll check later.

Tonight I am with my family and friends in Wisconsin. It is election night all over the country, but my heart and thoughts are in Wisconsin. It's too early to tell what the results will show, so I'll move on to my world.

Yesterday was a mixed day; rough and wonderful. I made it through the rough parts thanks to being able to get an earlier appointment with my therapist, remembering the wonderful moments, sleep, and some great conversation with BB and SA. Day done. Moving on.

Today, I have done many good deeds and been rewarded with nine instances of "You're a good person." One instance was literal and included a hug. I was surprised at first when SA opened her arms gesturing that she wanted to hug me. I thought maybe something bad had happened during her day, but she just said she wanted to hug me because she thinks that I'm a good person; and that, we all need to hear that sometimes. The other eight included at least a "Thank you", and in some instances included hugs and more words. This is pretty great especially after the rougher moments yesterday.

It's funny how life works sometimes. Yesterday I was ready to give up completely, and today I'm re-energized and motivated to go forward with my plans. I do remind myself of these times when I get down, and I'm glad that "The Universe" has been gracious enough to give me so many answers to my requests and examples of good people all around me. I'm going to start bringing the memories of these events to the forefront of my thinking each and every day. It's the least that I can do when "The Universe" is being so generous with me. I really didn't think I'd be having thoughts like this today after having such a difficult time yesterday. There will be more rough times ahead and more wonderful times ahead, so I'm going to just do my bit to nurture every bit of me; so that, I can continue to contribute positively to our world.

That's really about it. I've been having chest pains for a couple days, so I'm going to get myself to bed, do a little bit of reading, and get my rest. That night of getting only two hours of sleep is really slamming me. I really can't do that any more, nor can I continue to neglect my biological needs for food and water. Enough.

So the third post until the end is almost over; only two more to go. I can tell you that when I have posted this blog's final post on April 7th, I will be taking at least a week off to think about my future and blogging. I need to concentrate on school until May 11th. I'd like to add artwork, pictures and video if I continue to blog. I'd like to focus on external topics and/or creative writing if I continue to blog. I'd also like to post on a less frequent basis if I continue to blog. It is also possible that I will start a new blog with a new title. At this point, I don't know if any of this will happen because I haven't decided if I will continue to blog or not.

Now the third post til the end is done. I feel like I should spend the last two posts wrapping up the year; a two-part post, if you will. Sweet dreams, All. I'm off to take care of myself.

4 What It's Worth

I'm so tired I have to remind myself how to type. A little bit of short hand for me:

1 United Center Extra Real Story
2 HP City Council Candidate
3 Hippotherapy/Stable
4 Doing something nice for me
5 Video project due 4/11
6 Boundaries
7 Think Good Thoughts
8 Lost fifteen pounds - Stick with diet and exercise and water
9 Sleep

That's it. If I list a number ten my columns will not be aligned. That's good enough for me. I'm going to bed. It's 6:44pm.

Three more posts to go. "I'm the happiest girl in the whole..." - Really, I am. Here's to a fantastic future.

OH! and "The Princess and Gadyen"! I miss them.

Good night. Peace be with you.

#5 - Ah Yeah... Riiiight.

So it's almost 4am on Monday. School starts back up today. I get to see GL, Big Girl and Little One in just a few hours. I've been up doing my Flaneur video project. I've completed a very rough cut; very, very rough. That's why I didn't post yesterday. I got sucked into the computer and just now am finally stepping away. C'est la vie.

That's all I've got. I'm going to get a few hours of sleep before I head out for a big day. At least I have a better understanding of Final Cut Pro. I'll probably be redoing my whole piece, but at least I know why, I think. We'll see after tomorrow's class. At least I like the music I put together. I used piano pieces by George Winston; The Black Stallion, Lights in the Sky, and Joy. I used portions of each song and mixed them together to create a mood for each part of the video - duh. Deciding on the music took a long time, but I'm happy. I might need to find more, though. I'd sort of like to make my piece longer than five minutes. Again, we'll see what the instructor says.

OK, now this is really it. I do have more to tell, but it's time for bed. Happy week to everyone.

I've learned that sometimes I prefer to be more involved in a different form of self-expression and completely forget about blogging. I'm taking note of it. I'm also taking note of how I can become so engaged in a project and completely ignore sleep. It's a bit obcessive and a genuine high. Oh well, at least I got over my fear and enjoyed myself for most of the day.

#6 - Lessons Learned Through Activities

Well, it's around 9:30pm on Saturday, April 2, 2011. I've had another full day.

The editing started on my Flaneur piece today. It was frustrating because I haven't done the reading I should have done; so guess what I'm off to do as soon as I post this.

I also needed to get music for the piece, so I headed to the library and got a box set of George Winston CDs that have almost all the songs that peaked my interest. I found "Forest", too; so now I have all the songs that I thought might work. Decisions, decisions.

I also thought I could use some still photos to add to the piece, so I headed to the stable to take a few "artsy-fartsy" shots. It was fun. It was good to be around the horses. The back end of the stable was silent, so I quieted myself and wandered freely taking shots of eyes, ears, hooves, hay, stalls, ribbons, grooming equipment, and more. It was a very nice hour.



I even had one horse bang on his stall after I left him. I seem to catch his eye every time that I'm there, so maybe he recognizes me. I went back to his stall and he put his head beside the bars and showed me where he wanted me to scratch; right behind his left ear. He's a beautiful white and black horse, and I don't know his name. That made me feel pretty good.

I've learned many things during my time at the stable and hippotherapy center. I think I'm learning to spot "wounded" people and not take so many things personally. I'm so used to putting the blame on myself that I forget that sometimes things just come out the way they do because the messenger is "damaged" in some way. I'm learning to step back and take a deep breath then refocus to doing what I can to calm the people who exhibit this behavior.



This is also good when dealing with horses, especially the high-strung variety. The stable is a very good place for me, and I'm going back tomorrow after church. I'm hoping that the lighting will be better; and that I can get more stills and video. From there, I'll be headed home to throw things together the best that I can.

BB helped me load the images on the computer, and now I have to edit them. I'll be using iPhoto for the first time. It looks pretty simple. There are some good shots, but I'm largely disappointed in what I got because they are blurry. I wouldn't use a flash in the stable, and half the lights were off. We'll see what I can conjure up.

I had a very enjoyable evening with friends. Dinner was great, and I got my first dose of The Princess Encyclopedia. Who knew there was so much info on all the Disney Princesses. I was also lifted up as usual. I always leave feeling so energized. I keep trying to remember when I first met these friends, and I think it's been almost a year. It's been a good year.

So now I am home. I want to go to bed and read. Going to grab a large glass of water and go for it.

Thus ends the sixth post before the end. Today I focused on learning to quiet myself, not whine, see what I can do for others, and handle my own worries myself. I'm continuing to confirm that low blood sugar really does change the way I view the world for the worse, of course. Here's to conquering my stubbornness and eating good, healthy, fresh food at regular intervals.

I was a bit of a pain in the arse for BB, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with all this new computer stuff; it's easier to ask him that try to find the info online or in a book. Yeah, I'm finally admitting that I'm a bit lazy, too. I've got to work on that one. Lazy leads to depressed, disappointed, and demented. How's that for a theory?

Oops. Went to look at a possible picture for this blog, and got caught up editing the pics. It's two hours later. I better get to bed.

One thing that I've confirmed that I know about myself over the last year is that I have a hard time getting started, but once I get started, I have a hard time quitting; I get completely lost in creative projects.

#7 - Gentle, Yet Firm or Why Post?

Tonight's post will address the many times during the past year that I didn't feel like posting but did anyway. Sometimes the posts said just that I didn't feel like posting. Sometimes they grew into something else. Sometimes I was feeling sick and/or tired. Sometimes I was uninspired. Sometimes it was a bad day, and I wrote about it and vice versa.

In any case, since tonight is another time when I don't feel like posting, I thought that I'd just sum it up.

Tonight I'm tired and having a few chest pains. I've posted about that before, too. I think it's just stress or maybe the way I was sitting in my chair while I watched the Director's Commentary on "Secretariat." (Everyone should see "Secretariat", in my opinion)

So what have I learned about these times when I posted in spite of my lack of inspiration and/or desire? I learned that posting was better than not posting for me. It may not have been better for my readership, but sticking to my goal of one post a day was a confidence builder even if the post sucked. I also learned that sometimes even though I didn't want to post that something marvelous happened while I was writing that really made me happy that I had buckled down and stuck to my goal.

I started to heal parts of myself that had been damaged throughout the years simply by sticking to a commitment that I made to myself. I know that I deliberately didn't post some days, and for those days I considered it a vacation or sick day. Everyone gets a few of those. I realized that this made my daily posting goal incomplete, and so I revised it to simply be that in 365 days, I would post 365 times aiming for a post a day. Being a bit gentler with myself helped me attain my goal. In other words, being nice and thus gentle with myself meant that I could still firmly guide myself in the right direction and not hurt myself; I also learned how to be like my grandmas who were gentle, yet firm.

This leads me to a conversation that I had with SA tonight. I know that she won't mind completely if I share it.

Basically, dear SA has been told that she is under too much stress and must change her lifestyle. She's very fit, sleeps too little, has terrible eating habits (as in, doesn't eat regularly throughout the day, works many hours, is in school full-time plus, and takes on the responsibility of helping her family and friends whenever possible in whatever way she possibly can. SA is a fantastic woman who takes better care of the people around her than she takes care of herself. Sound familiar? She is also willing to beat up on herself when she doesn't perform up to her own standards and/or lets someone down. Sound familiar, again?

We talked about the importance of eating on a regular basis, getting enough sleep, and generally how to be kind to ourselves. I explained that I wasn't lecturing because I share many of her habits and behaviors. I still cannot make myself eat breakfast, exercise regularly, sleep enough, and generally follow a structure.

I also explained a bit of my internal world of change. As I told SA, I often have to play Mom to myself and am learning to be my own best friend. I described the internal conversations that occur when I'm trying to convince myself to eat and readily accepted that it sounds rather "crazy"; and that, this is the reason that I rarely talk about my internal life. SA listened as I explained that I had taken up the role of Mother when I was three, so changing my thinking and behavior is pretty hard. Given that, I decided that I'd just have to Mom myself as well as I Mom everyone else. I couldn't possibly give it up entirely, nor do I think that I should. I just need to love myself as much as I love my kids, friends, family and pets. It's more difficult to do than write about, that's for sure.

I also explained that I used to beat up on myself more than I do now; and that, I consciously have been working on changing that. The result is that I am happier and being more productive. Shock! I told SA that I know that it's hard to change old habits because I'm in the midst of doing it, and I believe that it's leading to a better life for me and all the people that I love. From my standpoint, the self-abuse that I was good at is a result of the Domestic Abuse that I was party to in my past. My therapy groups have taught me that it is very common for people who have been abused to continue the abuse themselves through the way they talk to themselves. Given this knowledge, I decided that if I won't tolerate abuse from anyone any more that means that I am not allowed to abuse myself, either. This was a revelation and the change in my focus and behavior has resulted in a happier and more productive, less stressed out me.

I was trying to encourage SA through my own experiences and shared struggles. I'm here for her, and I'm sure that she knows that. I also explained that I don't always get it right, but that starting is the important thing because like all things that require practice to improve; things will get better with time and repetition.

I hope that I was able to help her on her way. I know that she will have successes and fall short in her opinion. I just hope that she continues to feel comfortable talking to me about both her successes and short-comings. It's easy to hide the let downs from other people and nurse them into a relapse of self-deprecation. I know. I've done it for years. When I was SA's age, I never heard the things that she's hearing now. The information wasn't out there. People didn't talk about such things to people my age or younger. I wonder what would've happened if I'd had that info. I wonder what I would've done with it. Oh well. What's done is done, and I'm focused on right now and the future.

By the way, I cried about Beau today, too. He always reminded me of a horse the way he pranced when we walked. Watching "Secretariat" reminded me of Beau, my doggie-horse. I know. I'm .... oh yeah .... no self-deprecating comments .... wonderfully imaginative? Yeah. That's it.

So, here we go. We're headed down the stretch. We're in our last week. I can't stop smiling about this one. I wasn't sure that I'd make it. It used to seem so far away. Just like Secretariat; it's gone faster than anyone could've imagined.

"Oh Happy Day... " You People really need to see this film. Take a deep breath, look at the beauty, remember the times or learn about them, enjoy a little bit of history through a pretty good film with some pretty good acting and directing and great cinematography ... and lots of heart and horses. Come on. What's not to like. Put your critic to bed and just relax and enjoy. Share a bit of my love for this great stallion and lady. You'll understand a bit more about me if you do. You might be inspired to do something that you thought that you couldn't. Who knows.

Here's to posting when I didn't feel like it. Sometimes the post lifted me up and my words were the words I would share with a friend or beloved family member; they were always words that taught me something about me and helped me become a better friend to myself. This blog has helped me love me more. I needed that more than anyone knew. I'll leave it at that for now.

Thus ends the seventh post until the end. Six more posts to go. Wonder what will happen this week. Can't wait.