#7 - Gentle, Yet Firm or Why Post?

Tonight's post will address the many times during the past year that I didn't feel like posting but did anyway. Sometimes the posts said just that I didn't feel like posting. Sometimes they grew into something else. Sometimes I was feeling sick and/or tired. Sometimes I was uninspired. Sometimes it was a bad day, and I wrote about it and vice versa.

In any case, since tonight is another time when I don't feel like posting, I thought that I'd just sum it up.

Tonight I'm tired and having a few chest pains. I've posted about that before, too. I think it's just stress or maybe the way I was sitting in my chair while I watched the Director's Commentary on "Secretariat." (Everyone should see "Secretariat", in my opinion)

So what have I learned about these times when I posted in spite of my lack of inspiration and/or desire? I learned that posting was better than not posting for me. It may not have been better for my readership, but sticking to my goal of one post a day was a confidence builder even if the post sucked. I also learned that sometimes even though I didn't want to post that something marvelous happened while I was writing that really made me happy that I had buckled down and stuck to my goal.

I started to heal parts of myself that had been damaged throughout the years simply by sticking to a commitment that I made to myself. I know that I deliberately didn't post some days, and for those days I considered it a vacation or sick day. Everyone gets a few of those. I realized that this made my daily posting goal incomplete, and so I revised it to simply be that in 365 days, I would post 365 times aiming for a post a day. Being a bit gentler with myself helped me attain my goal. In other words, being nice and thus gentle with myself meant that I could still firmly guide myself in the right direction and not hurt myself; I also learned how to be like my grandmas who were gentle, yet firm.

This leads me to a conversation that I had with SA tonight. I know that she won't mind completely if I share it.

Basically, dear SA has been told that she is under too much stress and must change her lifestyle. She's very fit, sleeps too little, has terrible eating habits (as in, doesn't eat regularly throughout the day, works many hours, is in school full-time plus, and takes on the responsibility of helping her family and friends whenever possible in whatever way she possibly can. SA is a fantastic woman who takes better care of the people around her than she takes care of herself. Sound familiar? She is also willing to beat up on herself when she doesn't perform up to her own standards and/or lets someone down. Sound familiar, again?

We talked about the importance of eating on a regular basis, getting enough sleep, and generally how to be kind to ourselves. I explained that I wasn't lecturing because I share many of her habits and behaviors. I still cannot make myself eat breakfast, exercise regularly, sleep enough, and generally follow a structure.

I also explained a bit of my internal world of change. As I told SA, I often have to play Mom to myself and am learning to be my own best friend. I described the internal conversations that occur when I'm trying to convince myself to eat and readily accepted that it sounds rather "crazy"; and that, this is the reason that I rarely talk about my internal life. SA listened as I explained that I had taken up the role of Mother when I was three, so changing my thinking and behavior is pretty hard. Given that, I decided that I'd just have to Mom myself as well as I Mom everyone else. I couldn't possibly give it up entirely, nor do I think that I should. I just need to love myself as much as I love my kids, friends, family and pets. It's more difficult to do than write about, that's for sure.

I also explained that I used to beat up on myself more than I do now; and that, I consciously have been working on changing that. The result is that I am happier and being more productive. Shock! I told SA that I know that it's hard to change old habits because I'm in the midst of doing it, and I believe that it's leading to a better life for me and all the people that I love. From my standpoint, the self-abuse that I was good at is a result of the Domestic Abuse that I was party to in my past. My therapy groups have taught me that it is very common for people who have been abused to continue the abuse themselves through the way they talk to themselves. Given this knowledge, I decided that if I won't tolerate abuse from anyone any more that means that I am not allowed to abuse myself, either. This was a revelation and the change in my focus and behavior has resulted in a happier and more productive, less stressed out me.

I was trying to encourage SA through my own experiences and shared struggles. I'm here for her, and I'm sure that she knows that. I also explained that I don't always get it right, but that starting is the important thing because like all things that require practice to improve; things will get better with time and repetition.

I hope that I was able to help her on her way. I know that she will have successes and fall short in her opinion. I just hope that she continues to feel comfortable talking to me about both her successes and short-comings. It's easy to hide the let downs from other people and nurse them into a relapse of self-deprecation. I know. I've done it for years. When I was SA's age, I never heard the things that she's hearing now. The information wasn't out there. People didn't talk about such things to people my age or younger. I wonder what would've happened if I'd had that info. I wonder what I would've done with it. Oh well. What's done is done, and I'm focused on right now and the future.

By the way, I cried about Beau today, too. He always reminded me of a horse the way he pranced when we walked. Watching "Secretariat" reminded me of Beau, my doggie-horse. I know. I'm .... oh yeah .... no self-deprecating comments .... wonderfully imaginative? Yeah. That's it.

So, here we go. We're headed down the stretch. We're in our last week. I can't stop smiling about this one. I wasn't sure that I'd make it. It used to seem so far away. Just like Secretariat; it's gone faster than anyone could've imagined.

"Oh Happy Day... " You People really need to see this film. Take a deep breath, look at the beauty, remember the times or learn about them, enjoy a little bit of history through a pretty good film with some pretty good acting and directing and great cinematography ... and lots of heart and horses. Come on. What's not to like. Put your critic to bed and just relax and enjoy. Share a bit of my love for this great stallion and lady. You'll understand a bit more about me if you do. You might be inspired to do something that you thought that you couldn't. Who knows.

Here's to posting when I didn't feel like it. Sometimes the post lifted me up and my words were the words I would share with a friend or beloved family member; they were always words that taught me something about me and helped me become a better friend to myself. This blog has helped me love me more. I needed that more than anyone knew. I'll leave it at that for now.

Thus ends the seventh post until the end. Six more posts to go. Wonder what will happen this week. Can't wait.