#1 - "... and now that it's all over..."

GOODBYE
by Bernie Taupin & Elton John

And now that it's all over
The birds can nest again
I'll only snow when the sun comes out
And I'll shine only when it starts to rain
And if you want a drink
Just squeeze my hand
And wine will flow unto the land
And feed my lambs
For I am a mirror
I can reflect the moon
I will write songs for you
I'll be your silver spoon
I'm sorry I took your time
I am a poem that doesn't rhyme
Just turn back a page
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away
I'll waste away

Here it is, Post 365. Somehow I thought it would feel more special. It doesn't. It feels like any other day. In fact, it feels like one of those grouchy, despondent days. sigh

So to quickly sum up what I've learned after a year of writing, I've learned that I'm still a work in progress. I've improved slightly over the past year. I lost fifteen pounds, started working out and meditating more, am eating more sensibly, and am concentrating on positive thinking more consciously.

I've met some wonderful new people over the past year and continued friendships with old friends. I've survived another rough year.

I guess I'm sad to see this go, after all. It's been a good run. I'm taking some time off; and then we'll see what happens as far as this thing goes. I know that very few people really read this thing, so I'll be thinking about that, too.

I've learned that thinking positively is very difficult for me. I am continually in the process of telling myself, "NO!", and moving on with forced positive thoughts or at least neutral thoughts.

I've learned that I will survive all the heartbreaks of the past years and all the years to come. I don't enjoy surviving them, but I do survive. It's so hard to think positively in these circumstances. sigh

Things that I knew before I started writing and remained the same are that it is very difficult for me to get started, once started it is very difficult for me to stop, exercise is good for me, eating healthier is good for me, and most importantly; I love my children and grandchildren and wish I could offer more to them financially.

I know that I am still lonely. I know that I don't trust adults. I know that I spend a lot of time not talking to anyone about anything.

I've learned over this past year that I have a knack for taking care of children and animals. I get very good feedback from their parents and from the kids and animals, too. It is something that makes me happy.

AS far as the unfinished stories about being an Extra and the Princess and Gadyen, well maybe I'll write them down on my own for my own. I don't know. The Extra stuff was pretty amazing. The real story of what happened during that time is tragic with a capital T. I still don't know where the Princess and Gadyen headed off to, but maybe some day I'll find out.

In all honestly, while I did get some great feedback on my writing skills and this blog, I don't consider it a grand success. It has served its purpose which was to break my writer's block. Now we'll see if I can do it without having an "immediate gratification" audience. I think I can because I got very little feedback written back to me, so I've established a pattern of writing expecting no input.

I am happy that I accomplished one goal during this year. I've also accomplished a few other life goals this year. I finally took Scriptwriting and Digital Video Editing. I finally took Yoga and T'ai Chi Chih, which is different from the T'ai Chi Chuan that I thought I'd signed up for; yet still good.

I'm still struggling to rebuild my self-confidence and positive attitude. It's been a really rough year, and it's going to continue to be rough for a long, long time. I'm battling heartbreak and grief. I'm in therapy twice a week to deal with some of it. Mostly, I try to stay busy or distracted; so that, I don't think about it. It's unbearable to think about most of the time. I try to focus on the positive aspects, but there are so many unanswered questions, so much meanness and hurt, and so few places and people to turn to as far as really expressing myself.

I am a work in progress. Life is a long journey. Those are the things that have sunk in this year. I wish I could be that angry cheerleader now, but I am tired, sad, and heartbroken. I thought I'd be in a much better place, have many more readers, and have found some amazing thing about me that I didn't know before.

I have to resolve not having money, losing out to people who have money and use it to defeat me and mine, and just being someone who doesn't fit in and doesn't want to fit in. I have to resolve my fears that my grandchildren will not know or appreciate me for who I am, and honestly, that not many people will appreciate me for who I am and what I am capable of if given support. I have to stop sabotaging myself, still.

I've learned that there is still so much to do, and I think I'm just closing my eyes, letting out a scream, and charging ahead. I have no idea if I'll be successful, but I know that if I don't try I might as well die.

Finally, I want the physical pain to stop. I just want to stop hurting because of my emotions or my physical injuries. I just want the pain to stop, so I'm focusing on figuring out how to make it stop, or at least, be able to bounce back more quickly.

To everyone who took some time to read this thing at some point or another; THANK YOU. Take care of yourselves, Everyone. Sweet Dreams. Peace.