#2: Wrap-Up - Part One

So let's get the dry stuff out of the way first. I started checking my "Stats" on a daily basis as soon as I discovered the tab.

I got very excited when my posts about Thor Hushovd more than tripled the number of people checking out my blog. I posted a link on the Cervelo Team site, the Thor Hushovd Fan Page on Facebook, and bicyclegroup.com. I did more marketing with that one, so to see that it paid off was nice.

I got very disappointed when I learned that a Norwegian cousin was studying technology and moved to Australia which coincided with my Norwegian hits disappearing all together and a surprising increase in my Australian hits. I think disappointed isn't quite accurate; I was mad, too. I knew about bots, so I always figured that some of my hits were automated based on buzz words and topics. I just didn't think that my entire Norwegian readership was this one distant relative and maybe a few other people. Ego bust and reality check.

By the time this thing is done, there will be a little over 7,125 hits for the year. That works out to approximately 20 hits/day. I have no idea how many of those hits are people who are reading the blog or are just bots bouncing around.

I do know that SA used to read my blog every day. I also know that GL and BB don't read my blog at all, and neither do 99.9% of my local friends. I've had a few family members read my blog for short periods of time and have actually severed relationships with some family members over what I've written. I've received accolades and compliments from distant friends and strangers about things I've written about. Other than that, I've received very little input on my posts.

My posts changed dramatically somewhere in the late summer/early fall of 2010 because, as I explained, my personal life was in upheaval and there were certain things that I was not willing to do in my blog, ie; reveal the personal lives of those I love in any depth, nor reveal my true thoughts and feelings on a whole slew of issues. I'd say the last half of writing my blog was less enjoyable because of this decision. It would have been nice to have a place to really write about the "real" story of what was going on. I think people sensed this and stopped coming by. One of the attractions of a blog like mine is eavesdropping on someone else's life. The information just wasn't juicy after one certain post that has been taken off the site, yet saved.

That particular post got both good and bad reactions. I decided to not have a relationship with my former-favorite aunt after she made her thoughts known to everyone in the family except me. I can honestly say that my life is getting happier since I decided not to have anything to do with most of my extended family. Most of my extended family decided not to have anything to do with me years ago, so I might as well accept it and move on; take the bull by the horns and decide that this is how I enjoy things. I don't really, but I have no control over other people, and if they're going to be uncommunicative, judgmental, ignorant, heartless people towards me; what do I need them around for anyway. Right? That decision only took me like thirty five years (35). Yeah, I've tried for thirty five years to regain some of these relationships. I've been laughed at repeatedly, called crazy, ignored, and simply been treated extremely unfairly by my blood kin in most cases; but not all.

I have two wonderful cousins who have stuck by my side throughout all of it. Thank you Danny and Joy. We don't really have a close relationship, but at least they haven't joined the rank and file. Should they decide that this is the best course of action for them, then so be it. I've given up caring about what other people think or do any more. See, I finally figured out that I deserve a happy life and if someone doesn't support my happy life, "Fuck 'em", right Danny and Joy? No drama here. Just the facts.

This latest sentiment is a result of a year's worth of writing about stuff. It's a fantastic revelation. While I still get hurt terribly by what damaged people say and do, I'm working on becoming more resilient and hopefully the chest pains and other physical pains associated from being stabbed in the back, maligned and ignored will disappear as I focus on shielding myself from other people's silliness. My time is too valuable to be wasted on fucked up people. At least that's what I keep telling myself. This too is a result of writing every day for almost a year.

I've gotten in touch with my anger and have decided that anger is better than depression, so I'm using my anger to go forward. I've decided to study law. My plan is to study paralegal studies, get a job as a paralegal and if possible continue studying the law by either getting my law degree or doing a fantastic job of research for whatever firm I work with. I want to know the law more than I want to create art, right now. I need to know the law. I will go even deeper in debt as a result of this decision, but so be it. It's my life, and for the first time I feel driven to learn something other than art, as in theatre, dance, fine art, crafts, writing, and whatever else falls into the very general art category. I really want to learn the law. I want to help myself and others with my knowledge of the law.

The motivating factors for this decision are many. Many of the stories that I've heard in my Domestic Survivors Group have fueled my desire. The way I've been treated by lawyers and the legal system has certainly fueled me on. Note to all lawyers who think I'm stupid, etc., "I'm coming out knowledgeable and focused on helping women, children and the disabled with a little dose of Intellectual Property Law insight to boot. Nobody is going to doubt my strength, intelligence, and sanity again; nor will they use it as a way to put me in my place and demean me. Better stuff your arrogance and attitude; I won't take it any more."

It's writing like the above quote that spurred my aunt to say that I have delusions of grandeur. Everybody likes to be an armchair psychologist. I have no delusions about the amount of work it's going to take and the financial obligations that I will be responsible for.

I also know that I'm going to NEED to know the law because of "certain factors in my personal life that I have chosen not to write about." For everyone who know what I mean by that; I'm preparing to spend every day til the day I die making things as right as they can possibly be. Many lives actually depend on things changing for the better, so I'll take up the task and do my best. I'll build a team of support. I know I'm not alone in my thinking and appreciate the support from those whom I admire and love more than anyone else on the face of this Earth.

See, I've finally just admitted to myself that as long as my son and his girlfriend love me, all is right with the world. As long as BB and SA continue to be the wonderful people that they are, I can do what I need to do to help the other people in my life who need more of my help. I am so lucky to have BB and SA in my life. I don't care about any of the mean people when I have a chance to be around them or just talk to them. They will be moving on soon, so I'm going to spend the next year and a half enjoying their presence; so that, when they go on their way I can wish them well and be happy for everyone. I can break it down to one person loving me as enough to motivate me to be the best I can be. I know that there are more people who love me, but for me right now, that person is BB. It has been different people at different times of my life, and sometimes animals have been the one who loved me when all seemed lost. It only takes one for me. I'm lucky.

Oh, and I guess really, the one is me. Yeah, you read right. That's the most important thing that writing for almost a year has done for me; I've fallen in love with myself again. I'm learning how to support my happiness and health. I'm engaged in my own life after years of putting everyone else first. It's a mixed bag of tricks, but I'm in for the long haul.

Yeah, this blog saved my life and my sanity. That's a bit of all right, huh.