Still Plowing Away

Very Quickly:

1. JOB:  Sent out references list per request from someone who needs a nanny.  :D
2. WEIGHT:  Ate two meals, too many Dove dark chocolates, and drank a lot of water.  Got the garden hoed, weeded and ready to plant, so that was my work-out; and it was a very good one.
3. CHEERING UP:  I did.  I did say that I would cheer up "tomorrow", and I did. 
4. SMOKING:  Had three cigarettes.  :D  No regrets.  It was fun.

Wow!  David Sanborn is on Letterman.  Nice to see that David Sanborn is still playing and putting out CD's.

I have earned my soreness, and it feels good.  Yepperz.  Nothing like digging in the dirt for an enjoyable work-out.  The neighbor kids even got interested in what I was doing.  They gave me "props" for doing such hard work.  :D

Talked to my landlord and laid out my plan for the yard.  He wasn't opposed.  He's even going to see if he can find a ... wait for it ... ROTOTILLER for me to use.  Be still my beating heart.

I'd just like to interject that the "g" button is sticking, and I had to fix the "n" button today.

OK, that all written, it's been a nice, busy, social day.  I think it is good to "purge."  You know, get it out and go forward.  :D  Besides, the poem wasn't too bad for catching a moment.

Today's best quote is from my oldest granddaughter, "Night MeeMa.  Love you.  Bye.  Love you again!  Bye!

Oh, and those three ciggies?  Well, I don't have the pack in my possession, so ... :D  It was just a taste after a few days.  It was fun standing outside under my HUGE Norwegian Maple in the pouring rain smoking and drinking a cold Miller Lite.  Rain is good for your hair and your soul.

Sweet dreams all.  There will be short stories coming up this weekend.  It's a biggie; May Day, Kentucky Derby and MS Walk.  Hmmmmm.  Wonder how many I'll get written.  "Only the Shadow Knows."

Crop Circles

Reactions crop up
Circling, crying, shredding
me

Spears, swords and daggers fly
No shield
still

paralyzed
tortured
suicidal
drama

GRIEF

silence, silence, silence
can't make any more mistakes
must be perfect
must go forward
going forward in circles

i need professional help


4-Point Report:

1. JOB:  Desimated, destroyed, and dismal - nadatude
2. WEIGHT:  Gaining
3. CHEERING UP: Tomorrow
4. SMOKING: No ciggies of any kind.


That's all you get tonight.

Dirty Dreams

Today was a glorious day.  It was such a perfect day that I spontaneously started gardening after I spontaneously moved the weather vane from the garden plot to right below my porch.

The weather vane used to be on top of my parents' home.  It's a horse weather vane.  It's been hanging out at the corner of the garden plot for years, but now it is sitting pretty right in front of the hostas at the base of my porch.  Moving the weather vane is part of the preparations for the Kentucky Derby on Sunday.  I guess there will be a story about that, too.  Yes, I do love horses.

Anyway, I took it easy and got about half of the garden plot cleared off, weeded, and hoed.  It was during the first go that I found myself standing still like a scarecrow watching a cute, little, doe-colored bird that I didn't recognize.  While I continued to watch and try to figure out what kind of bird it was, I noticed a couple of robins, a couple squirrels, a chipmunk, a mourning dove, a cardinal, and a red-headed woodpecker all descend (literally) into my yard.  All of a sudden I didn't feel like a scarecrow any more; I felt like Snow White or Saint Francis.  Weirdly wonderful. 

Has anyone else heard that Saint Francis isn't a Saint any more?  If this is true; PHOOEY!  That's like Pluto not being a planet any more.  Dang it.

So, I gardened and did a bit more.  I asked my loved ones what they would like me to plant.  We'll be doing giant pumpkins, basil, tomatoes, jalepenos, bell peppers, sugar snap peas, strawberries, chives, and rosemary for starters.  It all kinda depends on if I can get a rototiller or not.  I was waiting for my neighbor to come home today because he has a landscaping business, but I missed him.  I now lust after a rototiller. 

The 4-Point Report:

1.  JOB:  Sent references for nanny position.  Went through a bunch of mail and did a bit of organizing.

2.  WEIGHT:  I did great all day, and have now eaten a ton of Dove chocolate.  Oops.  I feel better, tho'.  Nah, I ate too many.  I feel stuffed and uncomfortable.  sigh

3.  CHEERING UP:  Nature is my gym!  Nature is my therapist!  I can't tell all y'all how happy I am to be out gardening again.  The time is just right, and I'm going with it.  I'm sore from the work-out and so happy.  I can't wait to get back out there tomorrow.

4.  SMOKING:  Think I had four hits on the electronic cigarette.  I got the chocolate because I didn't buy cigarettes.  It was an indulgence.  I'd seen "America's Test Kitchen" when the main guy named Dove chocolates as the best ones from the taste test.  Dove chocolates were on sale, and I had a hankering.  So be it.  The rest of the day was filled with coffee, water, carrots, a chicken sandwich w/lettuce and onion rings.  I'm still drinking the water.


So that's it for now.  Will probably be pretty mundane tomorrow, too; but who knows.  Do feel a short, short story coming on.

Take care and sweet dreams.

The Temptations!

This summer, The Temptations are going to be in concert within ten minutes of my home.  Oooooo La La!  Do love The Temptations.

Today has been a day of temptations. 

It feels good to stay calm.  It feels good to have two (2) cigarettes with my daughter.  It feels good to have my hair cut.  It feels good to have a beer.  It feels good to get out of the Wendy's drive-through line and drive past the Mobile.  It feels good to make a sandwich with the chicken I cooked last night.  It feels good to take a drag of the electronic ciggie.  It feels good ending this paragraph.

Yeah.

I didn't buy junk food or cigarettes. 

I conned my daughter out of one cigarette and just had another one.  It was great to see her and meet more of her co-workers.  They love her. 

Getting my hair cut was awesome!  The whole ritual is great from shampoo to finishing.  It was so relaxing and fun.  I needed some relaxing fun.

Last night I had a nightmare about my daughter, so seeing her today was very good.  I sure talk about her a lot.

It feels good to not have smoking in my house.  It feels good to see my son's big smile.  It feels good to hear him and hug him.  He's not bad looking either. 

It does feel good to accomplish small goals.  I've even starting carrying my kniting bag around with me.

1. JOB:  Went to WIA Grant Orientation.  Got a ton of info in an hour.  No money til September if I'm accepted, so this summer's classes are out of pocket - or - maybe I'll qualify for a scholarship; spoke with Mr. BoBo, the CLC recruiter, and got more info.  He said "a lot" of scholarship money goes unused because people don't apply.  A person can get a maximum of 3 scholarships per ... year(?).  Forward ----->  looking much better with my new haircut.

2. WEIGHT:  Well the above food choices along with a bowl of homemade veggie soup that I had for lunch.  There's a bag of popcorn waiting for me in the mic.  I might have lost a few ounces of hair today.

3. CHEERING UP:  Feeling pretty darn good.  Stuck to my guns about staying calm and sane.  Did what I had to do and wanted to do to achieve that goal.  Seems to have worked out pretty darn well.  It was too wonderful to see my girl and talk a bit.  Seems it worked out well for both of us.  We had fun entertaining the troops.  It was great to hear her talk about her "other mother", too.  Finally having the haircut I wanted over four years ago has cheered me up, too.  I can be one stubborn cuss.  Duh.

4.  SMOKING:  Like I said; had two, didn't buy any more, hit the electronic twice.  A relaxed, balanced approach to quitting?  Dang. 

Sweet dreams, All.  Now get off your butts and give me 10!  10 wall push outs!  10 leg lifts!  10 arm curls!  10 affirmations in the mirror! - I'll go do the same.  Promise. 

Wake up in the morning ....

OK, I slept most of the day and will now go to cook some chicken soup.  Maybe I'll clean the kitchen some more, but I'm not sure.  I'm sweating, hacking up a lung, getting extremely disappointed because I don't have any energy to send out any job apps - WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH ME? 

1. JOB: Nada
2. WEIGHT: Nada
3. CHEERING UP: Nada
4. SMOKING: Nada

Totally sick - again.  I don't get it.

A Quiet Sunday

1. JOB:  Day off - It's Sunday.
2. WEIGHT:  Finished off taco mix.  Slept.
3. CHEERING UP:  Holding steady.  Did a bit of cleaning in the kitchen with my son, so that made me happy.  Also talked with my daughter and found out that she's doing fine.  My bro called like he said he would.  All good things. 
4. SMOKING:  No ciggies.  No electronic ciggie.  Slept a lot.  Focused on keeping my mind quiet and avoiding any subjects that upset me.


Here's to a good week.  It's a quiet day off, and we'll leave it at that.  One day at a time and all that.  Take care.  :D

Wadda Ya Know

Quickly -

1. JOB:  Set up a separate email account to apply to jobs with - duh - should've done this long ago.  Got a call from someone looking for a full-time nanny for their yet to be born child.  That sounds rather enticing.  Much to do.

2.  WEIGHT:  Ate banana pancakes with loads of butter and maple syrup.  :D  oh well.  tee hee.

3.  CHEERING UP:  FINALLY @ like 10:30pm tonight!  Rough, rough day.  Sick, hacking up a lung, Duncan teasing me, and found out that just maybe I should get bifocals!  ARGH, Charlie Brown!  Oh, and had BS posted to my FB wall because I was off because of some stupid group page thingie that happened to fit with my goals of no AM computer time ..... ASSUME - means ....... yeah.

4.  SMOKING:  Ciggies gone.  Electronic ciggie working.  Stay tuned for total melt-down and craziness.  It should hit in about two to three days.  Hang on, Folks.  If you haven't experienced it before be prepared to hate me forever.... LOL - OH YEAH!  Let the games begin, Mutha Fuckas.  LOLOLOLOL


Not too much else to report.  No short stories raging to be written. 

Only thing I can think of is, Music Therapy & SNL.  Both are good for cheering up.  The idea with Music Therapy is to start with a song that speaks to the mood that you're in (like down, duh) and gradually up the tempo and mood.  It works for me, and YouTube is really helpful with this.  For instance, started out with Elton John's "Goodbye" and found a ton of other songs of his that I love.  Some I'd heard before.  Some I had not.  One was DP'd by someone I knew once upon a happy time long, long ago in a land far, far away.  Well, it works even if you just put on the radidio, a record, tape, cd and/or 8-track.

SNL - bitch however you want, but are you getting paid to make people laugh about pop culture and politics while living in new york city?  If not, close your mouth and open your mind.  Have you ever attempted to write a show script and perform it on stage?  If not, shut your mouth and open your mind.  I have written scripts and performed on stage.  I've got a tiny, little, itsy-bitsy idea of how hard it is, so I get to write down my subjective and learned opinion.  SNL is Da Bomb!  I just listened to John Maleany (sp?) do a great bit about "a child army with exclusive rights to the 'Thin Mints' contract."  Brilliant!

OK, it's 11:30pm.  I've hit another writing deadline because it's all I really want to do right now.  This has been brought about by the neglect and fuckeduppedness of my family and friends.  I'd like to thank you for your neglect, abuse and basically all your fucked up decisions along with some good advice and love.  Without you, I wouldn't have the animalistic desire to write to save my life because I'm sure as hell fed up with feeling bad about all the BULLSHIT.

Best Quote of the Week: "Remember, Friendly Fire Isn't." - Z --- Thanks, Z. 

I'd also like to thank A, C, D, J, S, & T. 

Zilch

1. JOB: Nada.
2. WEIGHT: Nada
3. CHEERING UP: Nada
4. SMOKING: Pocito

Strange day. 

Woke up feeling better than expected.  Heard knock at the door.  It was my landlord and two of his daughters.  He was here to fix the bathtub faucet.  He did a good job.  The house was and is a disaster.  Embarrassing.

Bottom line: I'm overwhelmed and lonely.  I slept and feel better healthwise.

Plan for going forward:

NO COMPUTER TIME IN AM TOMORROW.  UP, SHOWER, DRESS, CLEAN.  Apply for jobs during breaks.

That's it.  Yesterday was a long one.  Sweet dreams.

You Know You're Getting Old When -------> and Star, the Welsh Pony Short Story

You have your stove timer set to remind you to turn on "The Wheel."  (rimshot)


Well, I've got some good and bad news.  Let's start with the good.


1.  JOB: I talked to Brit, Paul, and Kev today.  OMG!  I've mentioned names - AGAIN!  Only cause I love you, and it was too great to "talk" to each of you.  We chatted on FB.  We chatted about job related stuff, really.  Thanks for the link, Kev.


2.  WEIGHT:  I'm on my second LARGE, yellow "cup" of water with lemon.  Thanks for the personal trainer hook-up, Brit.


3.  CHEERING UP:  I'm definitely happier than I was this morning.  Thanks for the cheering up, Paul.


4.  SMOKING:  The cigarettes are starting to annoy me.  Yeah, I know - All Y'all Can't Wait.  OO LA LA.  :(  all right, chin up.  :)  :D


The bad?  Ah, come on.  You don't want to hear the bad, do you?  I can keep it to myself, really.  It should go without saying, right?


Yeah.


I think today might be the day for "Star, The Welsh Pony."


When Lyons and West Elementary Schools merged in (fill in the year - oh classmates of mine - I dare you!) - Gretchen and I discovered that we'd lived one block from each other for years!  This was disconcerting, but we decided to make the best of it; a very good decision.  Oh the many, many stories of fun that I've told over the years about Gretchen and her wonderful family.  I practically lived at her house.  This was a very good decision, too.


Gretchen had horses.  Debbie across the street had ponies.  I had none.


Most days we would hang at Debbie's 'cause she had seven ponies.  There were enough for everyone to ride, technically. 


"Oh, and you get Star," Debbie told me, "You're new, so if you want to ride; you get Star."


"Debbie!" Gretchen interjected, "That's not Fair!  She doesn't have a horse.  Nobody can ride Star."


"You wanna give her Misty?"  Debbie retorted.


Gretchen looked at me, shook her head, and looked down.


"That's OK," I said, "I'll give him a go."


"All right," said Debbie, and she turned to grab another rope, "You've got to catch him."


"I'll help," Gretchen whispered to me.


Star was standing way down at the end of the pasture.  His sorel coat caught the sun.  When he turned his head to look at us his white blaze shown like a star.  I fell in love.


He was bigger than all the other Shetland ponies.  He was leaner.  I would learn that he was meaner.


Gretchen and I finally coaxed him closer to the barn with a carrot.  Gretchen showed me how to clip on the lead line and tie it to the other ring on the halter; then, she showed me how to grab a good fistful of mane and the rope rein in one hand and gently run my hand up his side to the middle of his back.  All the while she was telling me how to do everything, she was talking in the most calming voice to Star. 


"Yeah, and you just nonchalantly ..." 


(I'm sorry, but I do have to interject here that Gretchen not only knew the meaning of nonchalant, but so did I.  We would soon fall in love with antidisestablishmentarianism, http://encyclopedia.kids.net.au/page/an/Antidisestablishmentarianism .  It was the Fall of Fourth Grade.)


"... run the rope around your neck, huh.  You're not such a bad guy, are you.  ... and you tie it like this.  That's right.  You want another carrot?  You like apples, too?"


On and on she went; yet it was a flash.  Star was happy to take as many carrots as she'd give him with arrogant snorts fully conveying that he'd do just as much as he pleased to get what he wanted.  I heard.  I had no idea how serious he was.


She went over to Misty and showed me how to mount by first jumping and putting a bit of weight on her right arm to see if Misty would stay still.  Gretchen knew that Misty would stay still.  She figured that Star wouldn't.  She was right.


It came to the point where I told Gretchen to go ride Misty with the others and let Star and me figure things out.  She left, but she constantly rode by the pen at a trot or gallop looking at me while Star did everything but buck to keep me from getting on his back.  I walked with him holding his halter for a long time between each failed attempt telling him that I really wanted to ride him and more.  I told him when kids rode by laughing that they were laughing at him, too.  Oh yeah.  He shook his head and snorted. 


We finally stopped, and he let me get on his back.  I sat very still.  I thanked him.  I watched his ears twitch and point back at me; then, the kids laughed and rode by.  He snorted, shook his head, cocked his ears forward and took off.


We rounded the corner of the barn and headed straight to the end of the pasture.  I gripped his sides and hung on for dear life to his mane and the rope.  I pulled back and said, "Whoa!"  I pulled back harder and yelled, "WHOA!"  He whoaed.


Damn bastard ...


(Sorry, again - no, I didn't know the word, "bastard" then, and that's yet another story; but if I had known the word then, well, it is a beautiful word that fits so well sometimes)


... made a 90 degree turn three feet from the barbed-wire fence and came to a complete halt.  I went flying.


I landed about six inches from the fence and about two inches from his horse manure.  He started to walk away.


"HEY!" I yelled springing to my feet, "Where do you think you're going?!"


He stopped and looked at me.  He stayed right where he was the whole time I cursed him out for being so mean.  I went up to his left side because Debbie had told me that he would only be mounted from the left and proceded to get on his back again.  He promptly lowered his head and bucked me off.  I went flying.  When I got up, he hadn't moved.  There he stood, looking over his shoulder at me shaking his head, snorting and now, yes now, pawing the ground.


"What?" I muttered, brushing the dirt and horse poop off me, "Oh that's it.  I'm riding you."


I calmed my tone and body as I approached him, "OK, let's try this again."


He let me mount him.  He let me sit there.  I lifted the rope to suggest we might walk, and he promptly bucked me off. 


"OK, let's get it all out.  I can only mount you from the left.  I can't sit too close to your neck, and I can't sit too far back on your butt.  That's it.  I'm getting on from the right."


He bucked me off.  I went to the left and sat too far forward.  He rolled me down his neck.  I mounted from the left and sat too far back.  He bounced me off.  I went to the right and got on him.  He bucked.  I flew.


I don't know how long this went on, nor do I know how many times I repeated the steps in a random order; but eventually, he bucked; and I stayed on. He bucked some more. I stayed on. He bucked and bucked and bucked. I STAYED ON! We relaxed for a while. He bucked me off.

I got up laughing, dusting myself off, limping a bit, went to his left side, mounted him perfectly placing myself in "the sweet spot" and sat.  It was sloppy.  It was filled with resolve, resignation, and respect.  He shook his head and pulled at the rope.  I let him go.  He nibbled on some grass.  I leaned back and layed on his butt and looked up at the sky.  He raised his head, whinnied a bit, and went back to eating.
 
Star and I came to some sort of agreement.  It happened in an instant.  It was a twitch and calm.  We did it.  We sat at the end of the pasture together; just the two of us.  We understood that we wouldn't tell; then, I sat up and looked at all the other kids and ponies.  Star raised his head.
 
"Whadda ya say, Star?  Should we?"


We took off!  Star galloped to the front of the pasture.  I gripped my legs and let him go.  I was riding Star, the Welsh Pony; the pony nobody could ride.


What a ride it was.  He was smooth and fast.  He made riding bareback for the first time so easy.  I adjusted my weight to make it as easy for him as I could.  I gripped my knees to his sides just enough to keep my balance.  We learned.


After we'd barreled up to the front, we wove in-between the other ponies and kids.  We scared them.  As they gained control of their mounts, I laughed and asked Star to stop with a gentle pull on the rope and loosening of my knees.  He responded perfectly.  We trotted up to the rest while they sat with their mouthes hanging open.  I swear the ponies were in shock, too.  It was my "Homecoming Queen" moment; riding by everybody, smiling on top of the prettiest and fastest pony in the pasture.  Just an instant of complete perfection.


It didn't take long for Gretchen and Misty to snap out of it and walk towards us.  Star and I switched to a canter.  Gretchen and Misty followed us.  The rest of the kids followed us.  We galloped.  We tore from one end of the pasture to the other.  We laid on our ponies and talked.  We hung out until we were called for dinner.  I left knowing that Star was mine, and I was his forever. 


On my short walk home, I skipped, laughed, jumped, and smiled so big my cheeks hurt.  I'd like to think that I told my parents about my day, or at least Alice or my brother; but I can't remember. 


I do remember so many happy days with Star and Gretchen.  So many, many happy days.  This was a very good time in my childhood.

"Day 1" - so far.

1.  Found 15 jobs to apply for today from childcare to theatre to video production to event management to administrative.  Will send out resumes, cover letters, and applications tomorrow.  That's a lot, so I will concentrate on moving forward, organizing, and hitting deadlines for now.  Letters to friends, family, acquaintances, etc. will have to wait for a bit.  Need to get this batch out.  Must also get my calendar functioning because there are some job application dates coming up that I don't want to miss.

    On the education front:  Will also go to WIA Grant orientation tomorrow - FINALLY!  I will also get my, yes, MY FAFSA done - FINALLY ... and ... the scholarship paperwork for the community college.

2.  Biggest news is switched to water with lemon for my beverage.  Ate breakfast and lunch.  Need something light for dinner and more water.  There is no chocolate in the house, so I'm forcing myself to eat healthier foods and beverages.  YAY!

3.  Did cheer up a bit today because I got all the laundry folded that's upstairs and had a bit of company while doing it.  I still have the kitchen to tackle, but resting my knee for a while.  I stayed home and took care of me today.  This makes me happier and healthier.  Slowly and surely wins the race.

4.  I'm still smoking.  I have three packs to finish off, so probably by this weekend, I'll be on my way with the electronic ciggies.

OK, there's the "Day 1" Briefing.

One a strictly personal note, I got a call from my most beloved daughter today.  She's getting together with the first friend that she made when we moved here.  They haven't seen each other in years, so this is a great thing for them both.  They will be getting together @ my daughter's home.  This makes me very, very happy!  "The wall has been breached!"  sigh :D

oh, another sigh - "tear down the wall, tear down the wall" - gotta love "The Wall" by Pink Floyd.  Sweet dreams, All.  Hang in there.  Here's to one more day and night.

Painfully Trite No More

The honesty required to go forward is scary, painful, and angry.  When I first thought of writing this blog, a part of the thinking was to let others know that being unemployed, fat, depressed, disappointed, doubtful, fearful, and lethargic ... well, I'm not so unique, so maybe there are others out there who are feeling a few or more of the same feelings.  So bonding, sharing, encouraging and just plain raging.

I also had this grand idea that because I would be accountable and considerate of others that I would do better with my own life.  I've already made mistakes, so I'm going to clear the air with a good dose of reality.

At this moment, right now, I am feeling a bit better than a few days ago; but I am down.  I am really, really down.

When I get down like this I spend a lot of time thinking about killing myself.  It is a fantasy; and yet, it gets very close to the bone.  This is a diagnosis for clinical depression and possible in-patient treatment.  I accept this.  I also know that I will not committ suicide in a quick dramatic way; but that, I am committing suicide on a daily basis.  OUCH.  OK, that hurt.

Most every night I go to bed with thoughts that "tomorrow" I will .... knowing that I'll fail.  My pattern has been to work very hard for one day and then pay for it the next.  This is not working, obviously. 

I guess it's time to lay it on the table, again.  These are the things I want to accomplish and need to accomplish in the next six weeks:

1.  I need a job.  If I do not have "suitable and stable" employment in six weeks, I will lose $6,000 and have to pay back $3,000 to a program that I've been involved with for five years.

2.  I need to lose weight.  If I do not lose weight, I will continue to get sick more often and be in pain every day.

3.  I need to cheer up and focus on what I can do in a balanced, productive, fun way.  If I do not do this, I will continue to live with the feelings of worthlessness and disappontment that are killing me slowly and surely every day.

4.  I need to quit smoking.  If I do not quit smoking, I will continue to get sick more often and quite possibly die of some disease that is related to smoking.  I have smoked for so long, I may still die of one of these diseases, but that's no reason to continue to hurt myself so obviously.

That's what I need to do in the next six weeks.  Here is how I plan to address each point starting tomorrow.

1.  Getting a job:  I will continue to look for work on-line and put together a mailing to friends, business acquaintances, and foes that includes my resume and a cover letter explaining my position and skills.  I plan on sending my resume to a variety of people that have helped and hurt me professionally and personally throughout the years.  It is a broad spectrum approach based on a specific set of criteria.  It is a tad rebellious which is fitting with my personality.  It may seem a bit weird to send my resume to people that I feel have hurt me in the past, but it may be possible that through one of them a solution will be found.  I am not in a position to exclude anyone.

     I will also go forward with my educational goals of improving my technological, childcare, writing, and art skills. 

2.  Losing weight:  Starting with a eat/exercise/sleep approach, I will work up a stuctured schedule that includes a list of foods that I can eat.  I will post this on the frig. 

3.  Cheering up:  I will breathe and do what I plan to do.  I will focus on those things I can control and let the rest go.  I will look in the mirror and say five affirmations each day which really irks me, but might just work.  I will meditate.

4.  Quitting smoking:  I will finish up the rest of the cigarettes that I have in the house; and then, I will start using the electric cigarettes I bought over a month ago.

5.  Each day there will be a four-point report incorporated into my blog. 

OK, so there's a concrete plan.  If any part of it might work for you, or if anyone has any suggestions; please feel free.

Hangin' On

The really rotten thing about being sick is ignoring all the crumby thoughts that crop up.  I'm a baby and a drama queen when I'm sick.  Maturity has maybe taught me the better part of keeping my mouth shut and surfing the waves of emotional memories that pop up.

There's so much that I need to do and being sick just waylays my progress.  I guess it makes me work on mental fortitude, so it's not a complete waste.

I can't wait til I feel better.  Maybe tomorrow.

Never make a decision when you are sick, tired and/or sad

Everybody's heard that no decision should be made when you are sick, tired or sad, right?  Just wanted to be sure.

Today I am tired, sick and sad.  No happy me.  Darn near suicidal, but since I never make decisions when I'm sick, tired and/or sad; no worries there.

Folks, I'm terribly sorry; but whatever I start to write seems to come out like ca-ca.  I will spare you all of that.

Briefly, yesterday I cleaned my room, did some laundry, cooked up some food, did some grocery & cleaning supplies, and made sure that my outfit for today's christening was ready.  I guess I overdid it because today I am sick, so no hugging my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughters; no out-to-eat after the christening to celebrate my eldest granddaughter's birthday; and no more work accomplished today.

I have slept and find that my mind is filled with fear.  My landlord called to tell me that he is considering selling the duplex - AGAIN.  I'll spare you the complexities of our relationship over the past 20 years.  I am left with the world of the unknown at my feet; no job, no beau, and maybe no place to live.

Here's to feeling better, knowing that when I do things will seem better; or at least I'll have enough energy to work my way out of it.

Take care, All.  Count your blessings and enjoy the moment.  If the moment is't enjoyable, hang in there; this too shall pass.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

12am April 17th - did I miss my first deadline?

Great day.  Did lots.  :D

So I promised something Big

I shall not fail.  I shall succeed?  eke. 

Nah, It's been a big day
Down my way
'Cept it wasn't all down
And I'm not wearing a frown.

Yep.  It's been a big day
Up my way
And I'm happy to report
That I'm a happy sort.

La, la, la, la , la....

So now I'm a red-head.  :D 

Actually the color is just what I was hoping for when I bought the box.  In fact, Nice 'N Easy Lightest Brown 114A was just what was needed to make my hair the color I'd envisioned.  It's just a tad redder that what's on the box, and I'm so glad.  Only $5 at Jewel/Osco, too!  Beats the $90 price, including discount, I could've gotten elsewhere.  Still need a trim, Jim.  Oh, and the trim and tip were included in the above.

Got to see my daughter and my son's old manager.  Got to talk to my granddaughter.  Got to see my neighbors and enlist some help for costume design and set painting.  Got to hug my son and shock his girlfriend.  Got to learn about buying a House! 

My credit score qualifies me to buy a house!  Now if I had a job and a little less debt.  I'm not ready yet, but I blurted out the wildest thing to my neighbor.  It just kinda popped into my head.

What if I owned where I live and turned the entire downstairs into a childcare center?  Hmmmmm. 

And last night I checked out jobs at Ravinia.  I've wanted to work there for a long time.  I didn't get an administrative job once upone a time, but there is a job fair for ushers, etc.  While it may pay minimum wage, what could be more fun than being an usher for all the concerts?  Thursday through Sunday to start; and then, every night of the week.  I could ask for Mondays and Wednesdays evenings off until the end of July for my Web Development class.  The child psychology class is offered during the day.... What the hell ... or heaven, as the case may be.  Three credits or six ... hmmmm.  One week to figure it out.  SOMETHING ELSE TO FIGURE OUT!  YAY!

Yep, today's been a big day.  I decided to celebrate.  I spread the word.  I reconnected.  I got out.  I let life happen.  I went with it.  wow

Happy April 16th, Everyone. 

Oh, and did I mention that I'm a red-head?  :D 

I know I didn't mention that I'm writing this outside listening to my backyard neighbor talk to her friend.  I like my backyard neighbor.  Very nice out here in the cool with the birds chirping to each other.  The sky is a brilliant shade of blue.  The trees are starting to silhouette.  Absolutely beautiful.

Much love.  Dream and go for it.  Celebrate.  Sometimes the things you think are the worst things turn out to be the best.  Just decide - and - "Make it so."

Obligatory Post - Sorry - and then, The Flood Lights

"Today's been another day of looking for work and moving around enough to be sore.  I'm sore, tired, and headed to bed early.  Here's to another productive day tomorrow.  AM appointment to fulfill my goals.  Might get eyes checked, too.  That would be a good thing.  Boring, Boring, Boring, Mundane - Sorry, Guys and Gals.  I'm tapped.

Take care and keep smiling."

Yep, that was the original post, then I sat straight up in my bed with an, "Oh My God!  April 15th!"

April 15, 1988, my ex-husband rode away with my ex-parents-in-law to go look at some property to buy.  I remember it was April 15th because I thought it was very strange that my accountant father-in-law wasn't working that year.  He'd worked every other April 15th as long as I could remember.  He always started his vacation on April 16th.  Not in 1988.

In 1988, my ex rode away with his mother and step-father in the back of red, Ford Mustang with the white, convertible top down.  He rode away like a Homecoming Queen, waving and shouting,"Good Bye!"  Little did I know that it really was, "Good Bye."

Psychologists often talk about people "cycling" during the years meaning that they have emotional ups and downs that correspond with good and bad events in their lives.  For instance, I always remember April 10th as a wonderful anniversary.  On the other hand,  I've always thought of April 15th as a terrible anniversary. 

Of course, this year, I'd forgotten about it completely until I was trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me lately; so tired, so sore, so lethargic; feeling lost and sad even though I've been accomplishing so much and been so busy.  That's when the flood light hit me, and I sat straight up in bed.  It was the sitting straight up in bed that did it.

See, once upon a time, I sat straight up in bed because of a dream having to do with my ex after he'd left me.  It was just a dream about his sister's car parking nose-to-nose with our trailer.  It was aggressive and scared me.  Not ten minutes later, my ex walked into the trailer.  I hadn't seen him in over a week.  He was angry and drunk.  He'd driven his sister's car.  He lambasted me about something, didn't look in on his kids, and left.  I locked the door behind him and cried myself to sleep.

If I have managed to turn Christmas Eve into one of my favorite holidays even though the love of my life was killed that night, well; I can turn April 15th into something to celebrate.  After all, I am so much happier without my ex, and all the terrible things he said and did.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's post.  April 16, 2010 seems like a great day to start something big. 

Besides, I just got an email that told me that as long as I forward the wonderful story to seven people, I'll get a miracle.  Funny how I already know.  I've got seven followers, so consider yourselves my seven.  Expect a miracle tomorrow, People.  What the hell.  :D

Sweet, lovely, brilliant dreams to you all.  Life is really getting good.  Mwa!

Grandma Norlander called it, "Intuition"

It's another part of being a member of my family that one has to learn to deal with and finaly accept.  It's a part of most families' lives, I think.  It is intuition.


When I lived in California, during what I like to call the "Shirley MacLaine Years", there was a great frenzy around psychic training.  Dear Ms. MacLaine, wherever you are, please know that I adore you and mean no disrespect (in fact, I watched "Irma La Douce" today and still daydream about meeting you). 


For many years while living in California, I attended church services, lectures, classes, and healing sessions at The Healing Light Center.  Rosalyn L. Bruyere, D.D., http://rosalynlbruyere.org/index.html , still runs The Healing Light Center.  My favorite healer was Cher Lucero.


In any case, I dove into the psychic training giving 110% of myself to it.  To this day, I am glad that I did because I continue to use techniques that I learned then.  There is one thing that I abandoned, though; the awe.  I have my Grandma Norlander to thank for that.


When I told my Grandma what I was doing, she listened respectfully and replied, "I don't know what all the hubbub is about.  It's just intuition, and everybody's got it."  Grandma Norlander was such a smart woman.


I've been up since about 2am.  Not surprising since I slept most of yesterday.  While I've been awake, I've been going over a few things in my life.  I did my best to use a hologram approach to each issue I was considering.  This takes time, but generally yields pretty satisfactory results. 


In this case, I was going over issues pertaining to my relationship with my daughter and her family.  This is relationship is pushing me to grow more than I've ever wanted to grow.  I am not doing it so gracefully as is evidenced by a bit of a spat that I had with my beloved first born last night.  Well at about 4am my daughter's ringtone sounded on my cell phone.


"What's wrong," I answered.


"What are you doing in like two weeks?" she asked.


"Whatever you need me to do," I replied, and the conversation went from there.


It is not as odd as you may think for me to get such an early morning call from my daughter.  I've always had a 24/7/365 telephone policy.  My friends and family have taken me up on it throughout the years.  I'm very happy that they have.


I suppose anyone could say that the coincidence of my insomnia and my daughter's call is easily explained away, but I don't live in a world like that.  Afterall, it's just intuition; so why not just call it what it is.  It's the bond between people who care about each other, in this case anyway.  I don't always sleep with my cell phone by my bed, either.


Intuition has played a huge role in my life and the lives of all the members of my family.  My mother is a classic intuitive mom with tons of stories of "knowing" and acting upon that "knowing" before she knew what she knew.  Got it? 


My Grandma Norlander only called me three times in my life, that I remember; and each time she began the conversation with, "Michelle, are you all right?"  Each time I was at what I considered one of the lowest and scariest moments in my life. 


Now one of my favorite sayings is, "Sucks to live in a psychic family."  This usually makes people laugh; at least, the members of my family laugh.


So yesterday as I tried not to beat myself up for being a bum and failed, soundly making critical mental notes on all my shortcomings; I forgot that there is more to my life than a regimented existence.  I sincerely hope there is more than a regimented existence in each of your lives, too.  I sincerely hope that we all ease up on ourselves a bit.  It's far too hard to try to control everything, and having the ability to go with the flow while maintaining our compassionate honesty is a wonderful coping skill which, I believe, will only add to the quality of our longevity.  Granted, I need to clean house and have been avoiding it with my usual PhD. level procrastination; I now am refreshed and filled with new purpose for the coming day.  The fog has lifted, and I am free to fly again.


No one told me when I was a kid how intense the connection between loved ones is.  If they did, I didn't hear it.  There's no way I can explain it either.  I'm still learning, and will be learning til the day I die, I guess.  Good thing I like to learn.  I have a feeling that the lessons are going to keep coming, so it would be nice to get my feet under me; my house cleaned; and my mind, body and spirit cared for.  I'm not really too good at caring for myself, so I'm struggling and failing a lot.  I'm still plugging away, though; as I hope you are, too.


Here's to today.  Whatever it brings, I'll do my best.  You do your best.  You know, "Get back on the horse are ride again."  ... and if we fall or get bucked off, we'll just get up and try it again, and again, and again.  We won't worry about getting it right.  We'll focus on what we want with a quiet determination willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it.  We will have goals worthy of this effort.


I'll leave you with that, but it does lead nicely to my story about Star, the Welch Pony; and what we learned from each other.


Also - Do any of my fellow bloggers know where the Spell Check is on this new set up?  I can't find it for the life of me.


Take great care of yourselves, dear readers.  Much love.

Being a Bum

Not much to report today.  Slept for most of the day and then watched "Biggest Loser."  How appropriate.  Tomorrow's another busy day.  We'll see what happens.

Yesterday was uber-productive, so I guess I was all tuckered out.  Feels pretty good.  All three credit reports received and disputed successfully.  It was much easier than I'd imagined, technically.  It did take quite a bit of time, though.  It was also more emotional than I had anticipated.  Got my Student Loans all in order, too.  Boring, boring, boring mundane facets of life.

Here's to CPR training tomorrow, and maybe I'll get a bite from one (or more) of the jobs I've been applying for.

OK, good night, All. 

New Day - New Way

"Thank you, Great Spirit, for your guidance, lessons, and continuing protection and insight."

New goal:  Write this in 1/2 hour.







Thank You to Homer Hickam,  http://www.homerhickam.com/ , and Randy Tatano, http://tvnewsgrapevine.blogspot.com/ .  Links are for you to start your own journey of discovery should you so choose.  Far be it for me to force you to be happy.  (I said we were moving away from that, didn't I.  Oh well)

I also have to offer thanks to Bill Allan, who told me to do this those many years ago, and deserves to be named.  Aren't you the lucky one, Bill.  I hear you!  :D

While I'm at it, "Thank You, Paul", yet again for getting me divorced and helping my family for all the years that you have.  You're keen.  I mean that in the Websters way.

and yes, there will be more thanks coming ....

OK, clock is ticking -

Going forward is about taking the good stuff with you.  Here's one for the masses.

I am fortunate enough to have been Glenn Corbin's granddaughter.  He married my widowed Grandma when I was two.

When I was a wee one, I happened down stairs in the wee hours to wee.  When I rounded the corner to the bathroom, I saw my grandpa getting out of bed.  He rolled out of his bed, landed on his knees, clasped his hands in prayer, and bowed his head.  I stood mesmerized in the hallway until nature yelled.

When I was all done, including washing my hands, I went back to see what Grandpa was doing now.  I was very quiet because Grandma was still sleeping.  Grandpa was sitting on his bed.

"Why did you do that, Grandpa?"  I asked.

"Do what?" he replied rubbing his eyes and scratching his back.

"Why'd you land on your knees like that?"

"Oh that.  I do that every day.  That's how I get out of bed.  I thank God for the day; and then, I get up and walk in it"

"Oh.  Doesn't it hurt?"

"A bit, honey, but it's what I do.  I just think it's the right way to start my day.  It makes me happy.  OK, I've got to get ready.  Do you want to come with me?"

"Sure."

"Well, go get ready and get down here.  We're leaving pretty quick."

With that we got ready, met up downstairs, went out to the truck, and started our day together off to his first plumbing job.  After a job or two, my grandpa would meet up with his fellow working men and have a bit of coffee.  I listened to them gossip about Mrs. So-And-So, argue politics, call each other "fools", laugh, and say their good-byes.

Grandpa and I would head home where Grandma would be up and looking as pretty as ever.

"Well there's my girl," Grandpa would always say with a smile.

"Oh, Glenn," Grandma would always reply while looking down and blushing.

To my Grandparents Corbin who taught me love and happiness.  Since all y'all weren't as lucky as me, specifically speaking; and because I've told this story a million billion times - here it is in writing.  Modern writing, if you will, with my own kinda grammar-tization, misspellin's, and rhythm. 

One minute to go.  I haven't hit my knees yet today.  Sorry Grandpa. 

The fact that you died when you had knee surgery because you had fibrosis of the lungs from all those years plumbing - and a few mistakes by you, the medical staff, and our family - well, sir - I'm sorry I'm still smoking, too.  But Sir.  You sure did teach me tons of good stuff.  Mostly, you taught me love.  I was your willing captive over all those country hills around Mapleton, IA.  That unique part of America.  You talked my ear off, worked your words into my heart,  and filled me with your laughter.  You were the best Grandpa Chair I could ever ask for.  Everything about you was something else.  I'm so glad God put us in each others' lives.

Time's up.  Blew it by 3 minutes.  That's what happens when I think 'bout Grandpa.

Here's to going forward taking the good, leaving the bad, and learning from it all.  Happy Day, All Y'All!  I may not be Southern, but sure 'nough like talkin' like I do with my bits-o-Iowa, Southern, Irish, Norwegian, Wisco, LA, ILLINOISE and more - CHIcago ....

OUT - THANK GOD!  :D 10:37am - 7 celestial minutes over deadline.  Oh well.

Short, Sweet and To The Point

It is time to change subjects.  That's right.  Only three days on Happiness.  It will remain the underlying theme, but more structure is needed.  Much more structure.

It's been up and down since my last post.  So up and down that I am emotionally exhausted, and kinda physically exhausted, too.  I don't really feel like sharing, so we'll all take the evening off.  I'll see if my plans for tomorrow yield a more dynamic post.

Ever get the feeling that you're sick of yourself?  I've heard that blogs are "all about me."  Well, I don't want that to be the case, so I'll be thinking about another approach while I put my "work day plan" into action.

On the Accountability thing:  ate pretty well, exercised while doing housework, socialized with neighbors more, and ate too much chocolate.  Dang chocolate.

Here's to a great week for everyone.  <3

40 Year Anniversay

There I am.  Fourth Grade.  10 years old.  I don't look like a sick kid, but I was.  I'd gotten sick when I was 5, and nobody could figure out what was wrong with me.  I just knew I got these 106 degree fevers in like 20 minutes and would kinda do crazy things, if I could move. 

I spent a lot of time in hospitals mainly in Wisconsin, but there was that time in Iowa when I was visiting Grandma and Grandpa, and Mom, Dad and my brother had to drive 10 hours to get to me.  Mom thought I was dying.  Couldn't really blame her, poor woman.  Nobody could tell her what was causing the fevers, and all they could do to bring them down was put me on an ice bed.  I looked and acted like I was dying.

I never thought I was dying or anything.  I just wished they'd stop giving me shots and IV's and CATHETERS!  I hated CATHETERS even more than all the needles.  Blood tests, penicillin shots, IV's and yucky bubble gum tasting medicine - sigh. 

For the most part I was a pretty good patient, but I did have a few classic fits.  It once took four nuns to hold me down, so the nurse could catheterize me. 

"We just catheterized your roommate, and she didn't behave like this at all," a nun chided.

"I DON'T CARE!  I BET SHE'S NEVER HAD IT DONE BEFORE!  I HATE YOU!  LEAVE ME ALONE!  I'M NOT HER!"  I yelled back while squirming, kicking, biting, and scratching. 

I once ticked off a nurse so bad that she threw me out of my bed and back into it while I had an IV in my arm.  I told on her.  I never saw her again.  She was just plain mean anyway.  Don't really know what I did to make her so mad.

Finally after a battery of painful and embarrassing tests in April of 1970, THEY figured out what was wrong with me!

April 10, 2010 marks the 40th anniversary of my "kidney" surgery.  Actually, I had reconstructive surgery on my ureter valves.  I am still VERY HAPPY to report that it was completely successful.  My life got much better after that surgery. 

So here's to April 10th.  I remember it every year.  ... and then I think about the invention that I didn't invent - that little Y that IV tubes have now; so that, medications can be administered via the IV instead of giving a shot.  DANG!  I would've been RICH!  You'da thought .... but no.

On the other hand - 1!  THAT'S RIGHT!  1!  FANTASTIC Costume Design Approved, and on it's way to the - SEAMSTRESS!  Thank You!  I got to design a costume without having to worry how to construct it!  I am happily going Forward @ 50 - and now I'm going straight to my most beautiful bathroom before heading to my most wonderful bed.  You do learn a bit about beds and bathrooms growing up in hospitals with my particular ailment.  :D  Sweet Dreams and Much Love to Everyone.

Taking Action & Structure

Blogging with Purpose is my goal here. Yes, I am happy now because I choose to be. There are plenty of things going on to impede my progress, but as Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "If it's going to be; it's up to me."

Accountability helps me, so there will be brief postings about exercise, eating habits, important projects to complete, school, and looking for work. Here goes:

1. Today I have not officially exercised, but I have walked quite a bit while I was getting set up @ school. I plan on doing a bunch of housework, so I'm going to count that as my exercise today since I have many stairs to go up and down besides moving large pieces of furniture.

2. I haven't eaten today, and this habit needs to change, NOW! Oops. I've had seven Peanut M&M's, a large coffee, and water. NOT GOOD.

3. I did get my banking in order, cleared to sign up for classes for Summer Session, and some paperwork delivered to the Housing Authority.

4. I have not looked for work today. Will do that tonight.

I have a few things to accomplish today, and the first thing is to do some costume drawings. I have pushed this issue too far already.

There are plenty of reasons for me to be unhappy with my life. I do feel physical pain over a few of the issues, but I am still committed to being happy; so I'm putting everything in perspective, feeling good about my daily accomplishments, and looking forward with determination and confidence.

I did get to see my daughter today, and that makes me very happy. I am so lucky when it comes to my children and grandchildren. They are my springboard. I'm diving into the rest of my day.

Time to move Forward @ 50 - Time for some physical activity to get those "endolphins" jumping around in my bloodstream. Later Lovelies!

April 8, 2010 - It's About Time!

Around fifteen years ago, a co-worker suggested that I might do well to start a Blog. I didn't listen. He was right.

A couple of years prior to that an acquaintance warned me that a body's metabolism changed at thirty-five making it harder to stay slim and fit. I didn't listen. She was right.

Over the years there are plenty of bits of advice that I didn't listen to - at the time. Inevitably, most have proven to be true; and I have finally "made a loud popping sound." ... or so I think ... enough to write this ... so far ... dang!

OK, here's to "Better late than never."

My 50th Birthday was this past November. I decided to be happy about this because my father gave me such a good example of how NOT to handle your 50th Birthday. He was a genuine pill, so I had to push his biggest button first with a big "Happy Birthday, Dad!" at 12:01am. In honor of the art of "making a loud popping sound", I decided to be happy just like he always replied to my consistent question, "What should I be when I grow up?"

"Happy," I've muttered over the years, "What the Hell is THAT! Damn Dad. Happy. God-damned, son-of-a-bitch, stupid ..." Well, you get the point.

He didn't make it easy, either. I told him I wanted to be a dancer, and he replied, "Well, that's a nice hobby; but what are you going to do to make money?"

"You said that you just wanted me to be 'Happy'!" I countered, and the room was silent. I made my dad hang his head. That made me happy.

He always wanted me to be a lawyer, but I didn't want to argue for a living. He suggested Sales and Marketing, but I didn't want to sell things. When I went back to college to get my Theatre Degree, my father and my mother supported me. That made me happy.

It made me even happier because I was a single mother of two small children, so I was flying in the face of convention; confident that I would make it work. I was full of "piss and vinegar", and it was spread out in a thousand pieces all over the universe. I was a mess, but at least my parents weren't arguing with me about studying Theatre with two small children. That made me extremely happy.

Now after all those years of being happy and sad, I'm committed to being happy. It still kinda irks me that dad gets his way, but like I said, "It's about time I 'made a loud popping sound'!"

Being Happy for me means that if I'm going to do anything, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. If I'm not performing to the best of my ability, then I'm going to be honest with myself about it. It means having the guts to blaze new trails and let old trails grow over til they aren't recognizable anymore. It means taking great joy in having a rotting memory, and working to keep it from all fading away. Being Happy is all about thinking before I write and speak, most times; but again, when I don't - what the hell - "GO FOR IT!" Being Happy is all about the journey and looking forward to the unknown.

So here's the first installment. I'm going Forward @ 50.

HAPPY = CHECK!