Saturday, July 31, 2010

Not much to say tonight

I've watched "The Invention of Lying", "Have You Heard of the Morgans", and "She's Out of My League" in the last two days. All good, actually. Best of the three is "The Invention of Lying."

Other than that, it's been a rough day and looks to be a rough night. Not much more to say. I'm here waiting. Just waiting.

Good thoughts, People. Take care.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Well What Do You Know - I did it again.

Well here's what I've accomplished as far as my goals since I last posted. The whole exercising, meditating, eating properly and drinking water thing has eluded me. No worries. Tomorrow is another day, so ...

6. Write blog every day.

8. Focus on one story for sale, contribute to its completion every day, finish it, market it. Repeat with all stories I wish to sell.

9. Consciously banish worry from my thoughts every day.

20. Sleep a total of eight hours a day including a nap if possible.

On a more productive note, I had a two and a half hour job interview today that thoroughly exhausted me. I can't take the job. It's not a good fit for me. Sorry to say it, but there was just something off during the interview process. I felt as though I was escaping when I left, and that's never good. Oh well.

BB is off doing his PA thing on the Ron Howard .... film tonight. He left at around 12:30pm and hopes to be home by 3am. I hope that he is, too. Beauty of the situation is that both the first and second units wanted him to work. Awww. :D

Haven't heard from my daughter in over twenty four hours and am battling worry. I also miss my granddaughters more and more every day. Patience and courage. Patience and courage. No time to be selfish and all that.

OK, back to bed with me. I've watched "Leap Year" (good), "Four Christmases" (eh), "The Shinjuku Incident" (Jackie Chan! good), and "Hot Tub Time Machine" (hilarious) in the last two days. Distracting my mind.

I did do a bit of work on one of my stories that I'd like to sell today. That felt good. Can't really explain it, but I was working on it for about an hour.

OK, off with me. Maybe off to Redbox and Walgreens to return movies, get more movies and ... ????? I think I need to get out of the house for a moment or two. I'm going stir crazy and can't sleep. I could go for a walk, but HEY! I'm fifty and it's dark outside. Not a good idea.

Take care and sweet dreams.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Light Bulb !!!

So, I'm sitting here after watching "It's Complicated", and it occurs to me that I really do feel like getting in shape and starting to date. I'm highly suggestable, I think. :D

Not such a bad idea, though. This is what I know:

1. I love sprouts. I mean, sometimes I just crave sprouts. That's a revelation that makes me chuckle.

2. I like healthy, primarily vegitarian dishes with a bit of meat, poultry and fish thrown in.

3. I love chocolate.

4. I love the beach in the morning and the evening.

5. I don't want to date just any working class schmo or even some rich schmo; I want to date someone artistic, interesting, funny and nice. He can be short, bald an round as long as he is all of the above - AND - HE MUST LOVE TO DANCE ... And TRAVEL. That's a starting list. I'm not settling for ... and don't give me any shit about expectations and all that crap. I deserve a realy good man.

6. I'm done subjecting myself and my emotional well-being to mean, ignorant, sick people who put me down, insult me, and then think I'm supposed to be there for money and support when they find they need me or it's convenient for them to see me. This goes for everyone I know. I'm not talking about razzing between friends and family. I'm talking about respecting my humanity and reciprocating my love and appreciation. :D

7. I deserve to be happy and know how to make myself happy.

8. All these thoughts make me feel good inside and out. I feel peaceful and happy when I think of going for this goal.

Here's to three posts in less than twenty four hours and moving forward at fifty as a healthier and happier woman.

OH! ... and to HELL with all the people who knock me and my dreams by saying I have delusions of grandeur. WTF, People! I've always dreamed big. I know how to put in the hard work to see if maybe, just maybe, I can make something happen.

"Everybody needs a hobby." - BB

I've just outlined a few "hobbies."

Good night, again. Been a pretty OK day. :D

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Quick Report

So far today ...

3. Eat good food at least three times a day, preferably five times a day.
I've eaten twice today

4. Laugh every day.
Yep. Did it today.

5. Hug every day.
Did this, too.

6. Write blog every day.
Did this twice, so far.

9. Consciously banish worry from my thoughts every day.
Been actively doing this since I wrote it on my list and continuing.

10. Clean up after myself keeping the house in order every day.
Picked up after myself after each meal. Folded all the laundry in the basement. Am waiting for my sheets and blankets to dry, so I can make my bed.

18. Stop calling those who do not want to hear from me or do not return my calls.
Deleted "tempting" phone numbers from my cell phone, so I can't call in a moment of weakness. Been doing this for a while. It's necessary.

I highly recommend "Georgia O'Keeffe", the movie starring Diane Lane and Jeremy Irons if you like biopics. Very good. I'm feeling very Georgia O'Keeffe, now. Just waiting for my creativity to return in full force.

I'm going to watch "It's Complicated" while I wait for my bedding to dry. I've heard it's very funny. Here's to more laughter.

I also recommend "Invictus", "A Single Man", and "Cirque de Freak: The Vampire's Apprentice."

I'm now in the mood to listen to some Antonio Carlos Jobim, Joseph Shabalala & Lady Smith Black Mambaza, and King Sunny Ade. Maybe tomorrow or in my dreams tonight.

Sweet dreams, All. Up tomorrow to walk to the beach. Might be for sunrise. You never know.

Jumping Back on the Wagon

Well, it's been a chaotic couple of weeks. You might have noticed since my posts have been erratic. I'm finally focused and determined to continue on my path towards achieving my goals. With this in mind, I've decided that public accountability may be helpful. We'll see. In all honesty, I do have a tendency to fall short. I'll do my best and be honest. Here goes.

1. Will take an early morning walk or bike ride every other day. I will make my schedule accordingly. I will start this on Thursday, July 29th.

2. Meditate every other day for twenty to thirty minutes. I will start this on Friday, July 30th.

3. Eat good food at least three times a day, preferably five times a day.

4. Laugh every day.

5. Hug every day.

6. Write blog every day.

7. Drink at least sixty-four ounces of water every day.

8. Focus on one story for sale, contribute to its completion every day, finish it, market it. Repeat with all stories I wish to sell.

9. Consciously banish worry from my thoughts every day.

10. Clean up after myself keeping the house in order every day.

11. Finish necessary paperwork for Fall Semester and enroll in classes.

12. Finish the GD Back Child Support paperwork.

13. Finish organizing the office.

14. Have the garage sale in the next week or two. Place ad, price items.

15. Knit and/or crochet every week.

16. Make up a daily schedule and stick to it.

17. Go downtown once a month via train for cultural inspiration and relaxation.

18. Stop calling those who do not want to hear from me or do not return my calls.

19. Write to and/or make something for my granddaughters every week.

20. Sleep a total of eight hours a day including a nap if possible.

OK. That's quite enough for now. You will notice no mention of quitting smoking. Not yet, People. My goal is to lose weight and have a peaceful, strong mind. The smoking cessation will follow, I hope.

I'm off to tackle a few items on the list. I will be reporting about my progress here besides finishing up the series about my Extra work and the children's story about the Princess and Gadyen.

Thank you for reading. Here's to going forward without fear.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Struggling

Struggling means that a creature has not given up.
Struggling means that there are obstacles to conquer.
Struggling means that someone is searching for a way.
Struggling means that there is still hope.

Struggling is part fight.
Struggling is part fear.
Struggling is part determination.
Struggling is part disappointment.

Struggling is exhausting.
Struggling is grueling.
Struggling is overwhelming.
Struggling is enlightening.
Struggling is giving.
Struggling is overcoming.

There will always be men struggling to change, and there will always be those who are controlled by the past. - Ernest Gaines

It's strange that words are so inadequate. Yet, like the asthmatic struggling for breath, so the lover must struggle for words. - T. S. Eliot

If you stop struggling, then you stop life. - Huey Newton

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Acid Stomach and Sleep

Right. So how does one make those two subjects interesting? Maybe tonight's post isn't about being interesting. Maybe it's more about the joy of being boring. The unmitigated joy of having an uneventful, mundane existence.

Acid stomach can be the result of too much stress, poor diet and too little sleep. In my case, those are the exact reasons for my acid stomach.

As for sleep, well let's face it, there are those who hold the philosophy, "I'll sleep when I'm dead"; and there are those like me who prescribe to the philosophy, "Sleep is bliss."

So my goal has been to get rid of my acid stomach and catch up on my sleep. I'm happy to report that I'm almost there. There's still a tinge of pain in my stomach, but it is far less than it was earlier today which was a bit less than it was the day before. I'm also happy to report that I'm far less tired than I was yesterday and on Friday. Looks like my horizontal time has paid off. The Polish cuisine that SA made for BB and me has also helped quite a bit.

I've also had some great phone calls with old and new friends that bolstered my spirits. Nothing like friends to bolster the spirits.

So with that said, here's to more boring and mundane days in my future. I so crave boring, mundane days. You just have no idea.

Sweet dreams, All. Remember to take care of yourselves first. After that, you're far more capable of helping others. That's very important, you know.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I Skipped Yesterday

Yep. I skipped yesterday. I was tired. Extra work is grueling.

In fact, I don't really have anything to say today. I've got a headache combined with heartache, so I'm going to rest and hopefully I'll get back to normal at some point.

Besides, I've got a job interview on Monday and the possibility of a childcare position of two. I'm going to take care of business around the house and look to the future.

For today, I rest - AGAIN. Extra work is grueling.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Exhausted

That's it, Folks. I'm exhausted.

Had a great day at work. I've worked 30 hours in the last two days. All good, though.

BB is in his bed, and I'm headed to my bed.

Sweet dreams, All. Good thoughts your way. You know I'll be back with more.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Universal Remote

It's almost 11:30pm on Tuesday night, and BB and I can't sleep. We're both headed to The United Center very soon to work. BB will be heading out around 3:30am, I think. My plan is to head out around 4am. We're taking two cars because BB will work longer hours than I will. He's going to be a PA, and I'm going to be an Extra. We're both going to be working on the Ron Howard/Vince Vaughn film tomorrow!

I found out today when SA told me. I didn't even try to be cool about it. I've been hoping that BB would work this production for a whole lot of good reasons. He's been busy with other very good projects. I'd accepted that he wouldn't be working on this project and went on with my business. I had so much fun being goofy and teasing him when I found out today. He took it in stride. :D

Well, I'm bursting. I'm too happy for words. I believe in letting happy fill me up. This is how I survive the lows. Rather extreme at times, but for the most part; it's usually pretty even. This is something to wonderful to celebrate for a whole lot of reasons that I can't tell you right now, so just know that it's greater than you can imagine for a whole lot of goofy co-inky dinky, woo-woo kinda reasons. They are not lost on me and add spice to my life. I'm dying to blurt out just one of the goofy little tidbits, but if I did I would reveal BB's true name. Of course, there are those of you who know BB's real name, so .... well, I guess I'll be sending some e-mails, too. I just can't stop smiling and thinking about SA saying, "It's a sign."

I'm really thinking that writing that whole long letter was a good decision for me. I'm already receiving consequences for my decision, but I'm willing to accept them. First off, my son-in-law has "de-friended" me on FB. I knew this would happen, and it's only FB. In my son-in-law's defense, I've had others reject me when they are mad. Some came around. Some didn't. My son-in-law and I have a brief history. There was a time when I was very upset with myself and my life. I confided in him. It was too much for him to handle and understand, at the time. He got mad with me. I think this is when he really started to decide that I'm "nuts." Still, he has had some reactions to events in my life that are disturbing. He doesn't really know the whole story about me and how I raised my kids. He doesn't really know me. He thinks he does, but I know that he doesn't; so c'est la vie. Maybe I should say, "Que cera cera. Whatever will be will be. The futures not ours to see. Que cera cera."

I haven't heard from my daughter, so I'm just leaving it up to "The Universe." I made the "Portable Daughter Alter" today to have something to focus on when I'm meditating on her behalf and on behalf of her family which includes her brother and me.

I don't know when I'll see my granddaughters again, but I hold them in my heart; and this actually makes me happy. I mean the holding them in my heart thing.

I can accept adverse consequences that relate to my actions. I can also accept wonderful results that are related to my actions.

I'm feeling free and empowered again. It's been so long. Dang. I'm using this for all it's worth.

Today I talked to an old acquaintance about possibly doing a bit of babysitting. She's also going to give my name to a woman that she knows who works in finances for production work, I think. Thing is that this wonderful woman really is being so helpful and nice, just like she's been since the day I met her.

I got a call out of the blue to come in for a job interview next Monday for a position that I don't even remember applying for and can't imagine what I was thinking if I did apply for it. It's a great organization, though; so I'm headed to the interview to do my best. What the heck.

I even got to talk to my best friend and offer encouragement for success with her test tonight. She's doing a great job of going to school and working more than full-time. I'm glad that she's on vacation this week. :D

So now maybe I can get a few hours of sleep. It's 12:05am on Wednesday, now. Consider this Wednesday's post. YAY! I've accomplished another goal!

Take care, All! I'm thinking good thoughts for all of you, and apparently "The Universe" has been listening to a few of these thoughts, so ... Keep Smiling. You are loved very much.

"You don't want to take yourself to the depths you can't recover from." - Phil Ligget/Le Tour de France, Tuesday, July 20, 2010

that's the title.

and our cameras aren't showing us any more of the main peloton.... phil again. he cracks me up. that was a message to the director. lololol

if anybody thought that lance armstrong's 38 year old legs .... (he did very well today. didn't get the stage, but finished in a breakaway in the top eight. nice to see. and wouldn't have ever seen something like that if he was in contention for The Yellow Jersey; The Maillot Jeune)

AND THOR IS ATTACKING TODAY! YAH!

http://www.letour.fr/2010/TDF/LIVE/us/1600/classement/index.html

THOR'S BACK IN GREEN! (if you copy and paste the above link, you'll see for yourselves) Green's my favorite color, you know. :D

What?

Doesn't a woman have a right to a lot of joy?

:D My office is almost organized, too! Writing, remember? You should see the paper shelf. It's got stationary on it, and the stamps are in my "Portable Daughter Altar."

Oh yeah. Thinking 'bout my people. Good thoughts, of course.

Think that's it for today. I've got stuff to do. Have to be up at 3am tomorrow morning for a day at The United Center to watch a mock Blackhawks game being filmed. Dang. LOL

AND it's a Rest Day, so I don't have to think about what I'm missing at Le THOR. YAH!

OK, Love to All! Oh, and the title quote by Phil Ligget? Ain't dat da truth. ;) :P

Monday, July 19, 2010

URINETOWN and more

Went to see a play called, "URINETOWN", at our local community college today. If you ever get the chance to see it, please do. The production that I saw was great. It's a musical comedy with an environmental and political twist. It's playing worldwide.

After the play there was a panel discussion with local environmental experts. It was very enlightening.

After the play, my best friend and I returned to her house and had a bit of pizza and lots of conversation on her deck. We haven't gotten together in a long, long time. It was great.

It's now almost 1am, and this is my post for yesterday. I'll be doing another for today.

Also got my email with info for the Blackhawks Extra gig. Yea! I have to be at the United Center at 4:30am on Wednesday! I love early morning calls. :D

Sweet dreams, All.

OH, and I've found a new favorite quote:

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

I've loved Emerson for a long time - both the poet and the band.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The 100th Post

Yes. We've reached the 100th post.

The events of the day have been tumultuous and enlightening.

Having spent the day on the phone or chatting with friends online, again; I have no desire to write about it.

I'll leave it at this. Rule #4 has been added to The Three Rules after 23 years of no additions or subtractions.

Finally, I am a very lucky woman to have the friends that I do.

To every single friend that I came into contact with today, "Thank you. You saved my life."

It's been a HUGE day, Folks.

Happy 100th post. Today is a turning point.

Friday, July 16, 2010

From Bumpy Road to Weathering the Storm

Happy to report that today started out very well. I was up at 6:30am. I went straight into the kitchen and started cleaning. After I'd gotten the dishwasher packed with as many dishes as it would hold, I decided to do a little cooking.

There were strawberries and blackberries that needed to be eaten, so I cut up the strawberries and added them to the blackberries with a bit of sugar. When I put them back in the frig to marinate, I realized that I had chicken marinating. Out came the chicken, the green pepper, half an onion, and some celery. I pulled out my red, Martha Stewart roaster that I got at 75% off at Macy's and threw in the chopped veggies and chicken over the brown rice and chicken broth that I'd put in the bottom of my Red Roaster. Voila! Lunch! I put it in at 400 degrees for an hour and realized that I'd like some fresh coffee.

I like to add a little vanilla and cinnamon to my coffee. Cinnamon is good for me, and I like it. The vanilla seems to take a bit of the bitterness out of the coffee. Pushing the button on the coffee maker, I looked up at the clock. It was 7:15am. Le Tour would be starting in fifteen minutes; so I poured myself a cup of coffee, got the berries out of the frig and took them to my room. I headed back into the kitchen and hooked up the dishwasher for its first load of the day. Heading back to my room, I was incredibly happy with myself and proud, too. Again, I felt very akin with my grandmas. That's always a good thing.

There seems to be some sort of time-warp that happens in the morning. I mean, forty-five minutes to get all that done?! Amazing. Absolutely wonderfully amazing.

When I got back to my room, Sammy was laying in my spot on my bed. She's taken to doing this lately. I didn't want to move her, so I went into BB's room and got his computer.

Just as I was heading back to my room, the house phone rang. It was my sister. I'd been meaning to call her back especially since her last message was, "Hi. I'm just calling to see if everything's OK. Are you still alive? If Michelle is dead, could someone please call me and let me know." Oops. I've been neglecting to call her for a variety of reasons; none of which are any good.

We had a good talk. She had concrete help to offer. She always does. I'll have to call her back tomorrow because we never did touch base again today. She was headed into her house to put away groceries and get a few phone numbers for me, and I was headed to watch Le Tour.

Sammy was still looking so very comfortable when I returned. I did my best to set my "work station" up without moving her, but eventually she did move. This was a good thing because I needed to be able to see Le Tour on my computer while I worked on BB's computer. I also needed to carefully place my berries on my bed because the table beside my bed was full of remotes and my coffee.

With Le Tour set up on my computer, I started eating my berries and wondering where Thor was today. I'd figured that today would be a good day for him to get in a breakaway, so he could gather some intermediate points and regain the Green Jersey; the Maillot Vert.

There was a breakaway of eighteen out on the road, and Thor was a part of it. Not only was Thor a part of it, but he had tied Alejandro Petacchi for the Green Jersey because he came in second behind a Lampre rider on the first intermediate sprint. Alejandro Petacchi rides for Lampre, and his teammate was charged with out sprinting Thor during the stage because Petacchi had missed the breakaway. Cycling is a team sport. :D

Thrilled with Thor's progress and ready to watch the race and scenery, I started eating BREAKFAST! Oh my Goodness Gracious ME! I ate breakfast! I had my berries and coffee. Yum, yum, yum. The berries were too good. My coffee was too good. The race was too good. Happy, happy day.

After I'd eaten for a while, I got BB's computer up and running. I had a job application that I had to turn by the end of today. This was the whole reason for the two computer set-up. I got to work on finishing my job app, munched on my berries and watched as the kilometers passed. It was a very pretty stage of Le Tour. It was especially pretty because Thor was in the breakaway. sigh :D

Soon the second sprint was approaching. I was so nervous that I had to stop munching on my berries and working on my job application. Could he do it? I wanted to close my eyes, but that was a woosie way out; so I braced myself and watched. Thor won! Thor won the second intermediate sprint, and I saw it! he was now ahead by six points! Oh what glory. He was so happy. He smiled a huge smile and slightly raised his right fist in a proud victory pump. Beautifully done. He had to work hard for it, too. It was a bit of a mountain stage, and most sprinters don't like any part of going uphill.

I saw a picture of Thor and Lance Armstrong last year. The caption said that they were training together. There were mountains around them. Thor's been improving his mountain climbing abilities, and it's proving to be his saving grace. His body mass has changed as a result. He's still big, but he seems a bit leaner. He's definitely improved on the foothill stages. He used to look so miserable whenever the road went up. Not any more. He's added new tricks to his arsenal. Just too good for mere words, People.

After Thor had gotten the second intermediate sprint points, he relaxed and let the peloton catch him. He was still smiling. It wasn't a bad thing that he let the peloton catch him. The final kilometers of the race were up a nasty climb, and he hasn't gotten to be that good at climbing mountains. Being with the peloton, he could keep an eye on Petacchi. He could also use the peloton to protect himself from the crosswinds. He could also ride with other riders who were sure to finish farther back in the pack like him. It's always easier to ride with others. Letting the peloton catch him was a very smart move because winning a jersey in Le Tour de France is all about gaging the amount of energy expended. Thor knows this. He's ready for tomorrow which could be another day to go out for more intermediate sprint points in the hilly terrain.

So with Thor back in Green, I focused on getting all my documents properly formatted. Soon BB appeared at my door. I told him of some of my concerns about my documents, and he had answers.

After we talked about that things got a bit wonky. It's entirely too personal to write about yet, but for as well as my day started out; it soon became not good at all.

I was unaware of how nerve-wracking it was going to get when I asked BB if he wanted to help me get the new desks up into the office. I'm glad because we did. It went so smoothly. We really worked together nicely. You just wouldn't believe how wonderful it is to be sitting at our new desks writing this right now.

We have three new desks in our office. They are from Crate & Barrel. They are gray metal frames with sea foam green, tempered glass tops. Two are 21 1/2 inches by 55 inches. One is roughly 30 inches by 40 inches and has a slide-out tray for a keyboard or storage of two laptops, as the case is.

We put the gray, brown, and white dresser and the triangle-shaped desk out in the garage for the sale later this month. BB and I talked about lay-out and agreed to his preference which creates three to four work areas. The gray bookcase is back against the wall. The whole office space has opened up and is so slick. I really can't tell you how psychologically calming this is. That was the plan, though.

"Just keep thinking, 'Psychologically Calming'," I kept saying as we would walk out into the living room and look at our office space.

We did it! Yea US!

WAIT! Where was Ziggy? Oh Shit!

Sure enough, Ziggy had escaped the house. BB and I went barreling outside calling and covering both sides of the house and yard. BB found him hiding under the Lincoln. He appeared to be pretty unhappy. Not a bit surprise considering it was very hot and humid. BB was able to capture him. Poor Ziggy with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and panting so hard. I reassured him that we would turn on the bathtub faucet, so he could have some nice cold water.

"Then you can remember what a great home you live in, and why you like to stay inside, Sir," I admonished him.

He meowed in response and was duly returned to his safe homestead much to everyone's relief. He emerged from the bathroom and proceeded to freak out over the new office. He was greatly disturbed and left the room meowing. I later found him asleep in our porch as far way from the office as possible.

Our plan was that BB would take off when we had finished installing the new desks. He did take off, and I was left to handle things on my own. That was OK. I could do that. I had experience and know-how. I was willing. I'd just keep my mouth shut a lot and listen.

While I waited for something to happen that would give me a sign of what to do, I set up our computers in our office and started finishing my job application with the July 16th deadline. I thought of an old friend who always used to tell me, "That's OK. I know how to be productive."

I sent a quick email to the woman who gave us the desks to thank her again. Soon she called me back. We had a very nice conversation. She told me that she'd also received my email with my resumes and references; and that, she'd hire me if she had any work at all. She wanted to be sure that I understood that in this economy it wasn't me; it was just the economy. Well that did make me feel good. She's a very nice lady.

After our phone call was over; I scanned my documents, combined PDF files, wrote a cover letter, and made sure that all my information was correct on my application. Finally satisfied with my application, I clicked "Submit." Done. I met my deadline.

This took a while, but it was so good to be productive in the face of grave circumstances. It felt good to overcome. It felt good to try and succeed. It felt good to win one. I met a deadline while dealing with an anxiety attack and great fear; the kind of fear that only a parent can feel when they have only their wits, love, insight, and need to present a solid and stable persona. It's nerve-wracking but survivable.

So with food in our bellies and a new and calming office, we were able to get through the surprise that landed at our doorstep today. It was completely emotionally and physically exhausting; but we got through it. We weren't always composed, nor did we have all the answers; we just put our mind to it and did our best. As a result of our efforts; all of us appear to be safe, two loads of dishes were washed in the dishwasher, almost all of the other dishes were washed by hand, more cooking took place, hugs were given, and all creatures were attended to and listened to. In the end, at least on this home front, we've laughed again.

I don't know what the final outcome will be to the disturbing part of our day, but as far as I know; there is great potential for a happy and loving resolution. I'm encouraging everyone to think good thoughts, throw it up to "the powers that be", and take better care of ourselves, in general.

BB said, "You know, it's important to eat well and get enough rest. I feel so much better when I eat well and get enough rest.... HINT."

He was directing this at SA, who had come over to decompress from her day. SA and I looked at him, and I asked, "You mean me?"

"Well, actually," BB began, "I guess it applies to all of us."

All three of us agreed that we can do better when it comes to taking care of ourselves. We also agreed that it was probably a good thing that the day started out so well. It gave us the energy and tools we needed to overcome the scary and disturbing parts of our day. We agreed that this was a very important lesson, so ....

Let's all do our best to take better care of ourselves because we just need to today and everyday. It is easier to handle the rough patches when you've eaten a bit, had a bit of rest, and know you can count on each other.

Find something to inspire you to be a better person. One of the places I find inspiration is Le Tour de France because it's a grueling and dangerous race that few ever get to ride in and even fewer complete. The scenery is beautiful, too.

Thor Hushovd is one of the people who inspire me in this race. He lost the Green Jersey yesterday. Did he give up? NO! He showed up and raced, kept his head, and succeeded in winning it back. He's raced Le Tour de France since 2000 (I think) and has succeeded in improving his skills because he's learned from his failures and his successes. He's sought out mentors to help him with his weaknesses. He's dedicated himself to becoming the best cyclist that he can become. He's doing it in such a glorious fashion that even if he doesn't win the Green Jersey this year; I will continue to be inspired by him and strive to emulate him in my personal life.

I can hear Phil Ligget and Paul Sherwin saying, "Professionals don't panic." I add to that statement, "Professionals show up sick, injured and scared."

Here's to all of us who are doing our best in difficult times. We are not alone, nor have we given up. We're discovering a lot about ourselves and others during these times. Remember that if you need help, all you have to do is ask. If you're asked to help, please do so.

Take care, All. Many blessings your way. I'm off to think good thoughts and probably even say a few prayers. Seems like a good way to end this day.

"Now I lay me down to sleep ...."

Thursday, July 15, 2010

A Bumpy Ride

Ever spent a day shaking? One heck of an anxiety attack rolled through today. I'm exhausted and getting to bed early. There will be more later. Take care of yourselves.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Just Another Day in the Life ...

Well, I've almost completed PART FOUR of Extra! Extra! Read All About It! I've taken a new approach to this one and am writing a bit at a time. Seems to be working. It's not too long, yet. Not planning on making it too long.

I also know where Gadyen and the Princess are headed, but one thing at a time, you know.

As far as my day, well; you know how I tell everyone to write their Representatives and The White House? My day started with a call in response to a letter I wrote to The White House. Not bad, huh. It was a touching call. Of course, I had to explain that while I may have appeared to be suicidal, I am not suicidal. (sigh) Note to self: FIND A NEW PHRASE TO EXPLAIN THE DEPTHS OF MY DESPAIR. People are HIGHLY SENSITIVE to the phrase, "I feel like killing myself." Any suggestions, People? I just don't know how to explain how I feel when I get as down as I do sometimes. It's taken years for me to reassure my family that I WILL NEVER commit suicide, but that I need to express how I feel. I do feel like killing myself sometimes. I just won't do it and have to wait a bit for the feeling to subside enough for me to go forward. To me this has become a way of life. Not that I like it, but I've learned to adjust to it. It's a genuine pain in the ass and takes away alot of energy for forward momentum, but I'm getting better at handling these feelings more quickly. For Christ's sake, if a person looks at the surface events in my life; it can appear pretty sucky. Certainly my feelings are valid on some levels. What always gets me going again are two thoughts:

1. There are so many who have it so much worse than me.
2. I am loved by many and love many.

So there it is; I definitely have a file or two somewhere at the Federal GovernMENTAL level. LOLOLOLOLOLOL Sorry. Just couldn't help myself. What do you expect of a Scorpio Theatre Major? Death Defying Drama! LOLOL

Still, it is kinda nice to know that The White House is contracted with various local Mental Health Agencies charged with contacting people who write and seem suicidal. .... and you thought they didn't care. Pooh on you!

OK, so tomorrow's going to be a HUGE day of racing at Le Tour. It's a Sprinters Stage. Thor Hushovd, at 138 points, is only seven points ahead of Alejandro Petacchi in the Green Jersey Competition. Robbie McEwen is standing at 116 points. Mark Cavendish, the fastest man on a bicycle, has 97 points. Petacchi has been amazing. He's 36 years old and killing it in the sprints. Thor is hanging very well, as proven by his lead; but he is out sprinted most times by most sprinters. Thor's a big man for a Sprinter, so it is understandable. He's been improving his mountain climbing skills, so he's truly become a more well-rounded racer which is what is required to win the "Most Consistent Rider" or Maillot Vert Competition.

I'm off to sleep, so I can enjoy tomorrow's stage and actually get some more stuff done around here tomorrow. I've been ignoring the state of my home and opting to apply for more jobs. Did three applications today, and will do more tomorrow, too. I just need to get a grip on the monster that has taken over my abode. There's ca-ca everywhere, and this is not acceptable anymore!

Take care, All. Remember, you are loved; and that, should you feel like killing yourselves - DON'T! Call a family member or friend and talk. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline @ 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Shoot, if you have my number, call me 24/7/365.

OK, now get a good night's sleep and remember that tomorrow is a new day with all kinds of surprises. Focus on the small, happy things to start with and go from there. You know, I'm talking to myself, too, right? I'm really curious about my file. I wonder what it says. LOL Sweet dreams all!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Well, Well, Well .....

I have to do this, and I have to keep checking my email; so here we go!

Just saw a post on Facebook from Atmosphere Casting saying they need extras with cars who haven't worked, yet. It was posted two hours ago, though; so I don't know.

Had I checked the site when I got home from my errands up north ... That would've been better. Don't think they'll call, but also saw that extras for the Blackhawks thing should be available all three days; and I've confirmed for that. There will be money in August or maybe even the end of July. Rent.

When I was at CLC to check on my Financial Aid Status and hand in my Official Transcript from Barat College, I also stopped by the HR Department. There are three jobs to apply for. Can't see getting any of them, but what the heck. I have the qualifications.

My best friend wants to go to see "Urinetown" on Sunday the 18th; her treat. She got me. It's playing at CLC. On Sunday there is a discussion with the author after the play. WOW!

so, it's been a half hour and no email, yet. did send my best friend a note telling her of my wishes and desires and this blog and you know ... I haven't seen or heard from the Princess lately. Think I'll go look for her.

When I last saw the Princess she was headed out to see what her most trusted friend wanted her to see. Hmmmmmm. I wonder what it is.

"Come on!" urged Gadyen.

"I'm coming," puffed the Princess, "Wait up! Gees."

Gadyen took off running down the hallway. The Princess put her head down and sprinted after her beloved friend and protector.

"Got cha!" the Princess said as she grabbed Gadyen around the waist.

"Shhhhh," Gadyen said and struggled out of the Princess's hold, "Quiet. Follow me, slowly, now."

The Princess and Gadyen snuck out of the castle walls, past two security guards, and out into the village. Villagers stopped and looked at the two as they picked up their pace and smoothly wove their way through the crowds.

"Darn it," said Gadyen and dashed into a clothing shop with the Princess, "We've got to get some better clothes."

"What?"

"Shhhh. Go behind that curtain. Hello? Is there somebody here?"

A small, gray-haired woman appeared from behind the shop, "May I help you?"

"Yes. I'd like to get this cloak, those pants, these shirts, that vest, and those hats," Gadyen said thrusting money into the woman's hand, "We'll take that skirt and shoes. Do you have shoes?"

"No, we don't."

"Fine," Gadyen said and took back a bit of money, "Where are there shoes?"

"Down the street and to the right at the corner."

"Thank you," Gadyen replied and grabbed the pile of clothes the woman had gathered, "Here. Try these and make it quick," Gadyen commanded and handed a shirt, the skirt, and the vest through the curtain.

"What? OK," the Princess responded and started to change, "I usually have help with things like this, you know."

"Deal with it and hurry up. I have to change, too."

"Gees. What's this all about anyway?"

"You done yet? Why are you talking if you're not changed."

"There!" the Princess said, as she walked out from behind the curtain.

"Here. Put this on, too," Gadyen said, shoved a hat in the Princess's hands, and disappeared behind the curtain, "Go to the back of the shop with your back to the front, please. While I change. Go on!"

The Princess did as she was instructed, put on the hat and looked down at her new ensemble. Gadyen emerged from behind the curtain adjusted the new clothes.

"What do I do with my dress, and what about your clothes?"

"Leave 'em."

"What?! That's my favorite dress! Here. Get these bags."

"OK. OK," Gadyen replied grabbing more money and thrusting it into the woman's hand, "The shoes are down the street, right?"

The old woman nodded and looked at the two customers, "Aren't you?"

"Nope," Gadyen cut her off and thrust more money in her hand.

"Thank you, Kind Stranger," the old woman said and pocketed more money than she had made in a year, "Safe travels to you both."

Monday, July 12, 2010

Productive Day

Well, I'm happy to report that I got all my business done today; checked out the Food Pantry hours and other possible programs. Don't know if we'll qualify for anything, but I start filling out paperwork tomorrow when I go get some food.

Had a nice talk with Mom and Dad later in the day.

Haven't heard from the staffing agency about an interview with Abbott.

Started picking out classes for the Fall Semester. So far, I'm thinking Scriptwriting, Digital Sound, Yoga and possibly something in the Health and Wellness area. That would be twelve credits. So, if my financial aid comes through I'll be in school starting August 25th.

I also started on PART FOUR of Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

OK, going to get a decent night's sleep. Didn't go to bed until five o'clock this morning, so I'm a bit sluggish.

Sweet dreams, All.

EXTRA! EXTRA! Read All About It! PART FOUR

"We decided to have an adventure," said Charlie.

"An adventure? We?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm a Cook County Sheriff. He's my son," Charlie said motioning to Dan, "Someone at work told me about it, and ..."

"Stand By," said Laurel, "Rolling."

We fell silent and stood still focused on Laurel.

"OK. You. ... and why don't you two go together this time," Laurel said to Wes and me.

As Wes and I walked down the street, I found out that he is studying acting at Act One, one of the more well-known acting schools in Chicago. We had fun the many times we walked together. By the end of the night, I was walking beside him and "blocking" for him; so he could get a better look at what was going on over at the diner.

"You're pretty good at this," Wes smiled while he looked out of the corner of his eye towards the diner, "OOoo. I see Winona Ryder. There's Vince Vaughn and Ron Howard. You wanna see?"

"No. I'm OK just walking. You enjoy."

For around eight hours we walked back and forth and waited around. During this time, I found out that Dan was Charlie's son; and that, Charlie's wife and daughter were on the other side of the street. I also found out that Dan is a huge Notre Dame fan and the first member of his family to go to school there. He literally bounced when he mentioned it. Notre Dame is a big deal if you come from a family of Notre Dame fans.

We were working "French Hours" which means there was no official break for our second meal. Box lunches, snacks and water were brought in. We were able to grab something to eat in-between takes. I'm not sure what I ate in my box lunch, but it was good. I picked something vegetarian with couscous. I like to try new things, so this was fantastic.

It was very endearing that every time Bob would walk by, he would say, "You all right?"

I always replied, "I'm fine. I just look a mess."

I did look a mess. Sweat poring down my bright red face, hair unbrushed in efforts to not slick it back, and well; I'm just fat and out of shape.

I also responded with a chipper, "Hey! I'm loving the work-out. I'm hoping to lose five or ten pounds tonight."

This seems to please Bob, and he encouraged me to go for my goal. Bob was very nice and very professional.

At one point in the evening, we saw that the Extras who had not been picked yet were sitting on folding chairs outside Extras Holding. Charlie and I thought we might procure a few chairs to set by us. Our plan was foiled by Bob. We didn't know that it would be a problem and promptly put the chairs back. I made sure that Bob knew that I wasn't trying to cause any problems.

The last thing I wanted to do was cause problems. We were shooting one block away from the Aragon and the Ween concert was starting to let out. Things were getting interesting, to say the least.

At first it was the drunken masses filtering into the shots because they just wouldn't listen to the PA's asking them to please wait for a minute. I was amazed that not only were the drunken masses pretty belligerent, but so were a few of the sober, regular folks. When people were asked not to walk through the shot, they simply backed up and found a way around the PA. This happened so often that we all finally gave up. I'd tried to politely block people with my overly large girth, but that didn't work, and it wasn't my job. Last thing I wanted to do was cause a commotion doing what I shouldn't be doing.

I will have to say that I heard the most vulgar comments that I've ever heard in my life from one big, fat, drunken bastard who walked into the shot and followed me down the sidewalk. Wow! I mean describing body parts and actions in their full glory for a full block while I just looked straight ahead, and when I was sure that I was out of the shot; I motioned to the PA and my fellow extras that the guy behind me was an asshole (and more). They all laughed. I turned around and saw the culprit. He was in sorry shape; fat with beer or some liquid all down his barely buttoned shirt. Sort of looked like an out-of-control John Belushi, but not as handsome. Yes, I think John Belushi had a certain bit of handsomeness.

More "crazies" came out as the night progressed. I don't usually used the word, "crazies", but since it is a part of our vernacular and fits so perfectly, I'll use it here. There was a very skinny man dressed in shorts, striped sweat socks, a tux jacket with tails, a red feather boa and black sparkling top hat who had a bit of a skip to his step. I don't know if he was on anything or had some sort of mental health issues or both. I just know that his fashion sense won the evening. There was one big guy who growled and was allowed to go wherever he wanted. Thank goodness he only wanted to walk down the street and on his way. He smelled bad, too.

The saddest person that I saw was an older woman who was completely disoriented who wandered all over the background set yelling at people and buildings. Officer Gary and his partner did a brilliant job of rounding her up. It took a good twenty minutes for them to calmly corral her. I was so impressed with their efforts. I mean really impressed. They offered to give her a ride home, but she refused and eventually wandered back the way she had came still yelling at everyone and everything around her. It looked as though she had broken a leg that hadn't been treated once upon a time. She was in sorry shape, and my heart went out to her and most of the others.

That's it for now. Stay Tuned for PART FIVE where I see what Vince Vaughn does between takes and how Ron Howard directs - both from afar and at extremely close range.

Thanks for your continued reading, Folks. Take care! If your interested in reading the four part series in its entirety, just type in EXTRA in the Search box on the blog page. It should bring up all the stories about my extra experiences, including the first two about the open extras casting call.

FYI

I've been going through each of my 93 posts and putting labels on them, such as; "Housework", "Short Story", "Poem", "Film Production", "Grandchildren", "My Daughter", "My Son", etc. At the bottom of each post is a listing of subjects. If you click on "Short Story" for instance, all the Short Story posts will be listed.

I've also added a Search Tool that will work for my blog, pages I've linked to in my blog, and the web.

Hopefully these additions will be useful. I'm still tweaking this thing, so any input is appreciated.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Tomorrow

Tomorrow never comes? Nah.

Tomorrow, our Congress returns from their vacation to take up our country's business again. They may or may not vote on the Unemployment Extension. There are reports of changes to Social Security; full payments at 70 years old instead of 65 years old.

I guess I just have one question, "How can they possibly make these changes and keep receiving the pay they receive and the benefits they receive while so many are hurting in this country. Guess I'll be spending more time writing and calling my representatives. I urge everyone to find out the the contact information for their representatives and participate in our country's future.

Whether or not we agree on the issues, it is time to stand up and speak out. It is time to urge to continue to urge our representatives to WORK TOGETHER and QUIT the PARTISAN POLITICS.

That's it. That's as far as I'm going into the political arena. Stop bitching and start working for solutions.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

"A Clarification"

The following was written on a friend's Facebook page in response to comments directed at me and my comments about the Lindsey Lohan sentencing and the media coverage of it. I stated that I hate my "hometown" and "people." The two women who responded after my comment were upset, so I wrote the following to explain my position more clearly. In fact, while I was writing it, I kept thinking that my time would be better spent writing on my blog.

So here it is, "A Clarification." I have replaced specific names of locations to protect the innocent. I must also emphasize that I only speak for myself and not my parents in the following clarification. I just needed to get a few things off my chest about my life.



ok, it goes like this - i hate "my hometown" in a broad-sweeping general way. i did not claim that this emotional response to "my hometown" was a correct attitude, but it is my honest emotion regarding "my hometown." stating that i hate something is not a display of bad manners. in fact, stating that i hate something, while harsh, is an honest expression of my feelings which are related to too many causing problems for my parents, privately and publicly during my developmental years.

living in "my hometown" did teach me to hate. it's a simple fact. prior to moving to "my hometown", i did not hate. since leaving "my hometown", i hate less and understand more about what to hate and what not to hate. hate is a valid and worthwhile emotion in my psyche. it is honest. for change to happen, an understanding and acceptance of the foundation of the problem needs to present itself first. i would offer that telling children not to say that they hate something is stifling to their emotional development; and that, it is better to acknowledge their feelings and the feelings of all people who hate first. from this standpoint, a dialog can occur about the whys and how to handle strong emotions.

my opinions about how the public, in general, can treat someone in a publicly prominent position stem from how my parents were treated and has been expanded by other public figures that i've known who have been maligned without regard for their humanity. as the years have progressed, i have seen more and more displays of this behavior. since i was specifically raised not to behave in this manner by multiple generations of my family, it is increasingly disturbing to see so many relish the demise of various humans simply because the many like to waste their time gossiping and bad-mouthing as though it is a hobby. i was raised not to gossip. it might be considered a sin in my family for the emphasis that was placed on this lesson.

ms. lohan and her problems present a very public picture of someone who is in trouble. her chosen profession means that her life is splattered all over the news, and it is too easy to forget that she is human and deserves compassion and respect because it is the right thing to do. as to whether or not she has a mental illness, an addiction problem, has made misguided choices, or is being made an example of; her profession is filled with people who are willing to take advantage of her persona for their own profit. it is important that she be as healthy and strong as possible; so that, she can have a successful life. this is not unique to her situation and has relevance in all our lives.

i cannot in good conscience condemn her simply because the point hits too close to home. my immediate family has been subjected to uncaring, dismissive, hurtful, mean people who did not help the situation; and in fact, made it worse. these events did not happen only in "my hometown", so i have a hatred for all small-minded, petty and pointedly harmful behaviors and attitudes. callousness, bigotry and a whole slew of other less than desirable attitudes only serve to widen the chasm. having said all that, i do not let myself off the hook for my negative reactions and broad prejudices.

it's just wrong to kick a person when they're down. it is also wrong to hate the sinner and not the sin. it's reactionary and destructive. my mom's mom was a champ when it came to choosing her emotional state in the face of adversity, and i have not matched her grace. it is a goal, but i must be honest about where i stand now.

as to building up, i was speaking of a prevailing attitude that i have noticed in our political and social arenas. i also think that honest and blunt statements about where a person stands in the moment can lead to resolution and subsequently a building up. ignoring the realities of a situation only serves to muck it up more and create more opportunities for downfall.

i hate "my hometown." i also hate people who pick on public figures who are not presenting themselves as messengers of hatred and only living their lives, however messed up they might be. given these sentiments, what do i do?

as far as "my hometown", i wish it wasn't so, but simply going back puts me in a tailspin. my memories flood back, and i hear more petty and ignorant bitching than i hear in a year where i live. i find more arrogant attitudes than i care to deal with. given this, i do my best to focus on those things and people that i do like such as the architecture, the lake, the circus world museum, my family and two friends. i add new experiences such as seeing eagles and going to hear live music by an old friend's nephew. i do what i can, but ultimately; i fail to fully forgive and get over all the harm that was done. it is my failing and in the name of survival, i go back as infrequently as possible for as short a visit as possible. that's the best i've been able to muster so far.

as to hating people .... well, again, i do recognize that there have been a few who have been wonderful to my family. unfortunately the numbers are severely imbalanced, so it makes it harder to get over. i've also witnessed the destruction of other people's lives while in "my hometown." i could list many, but i'm not going to use names because all are either older or dead; there is no point in bringing them into this discussion. the best i can do is to continually stand up for what i believe and strive to hate the behavior and not the person displaying it. you know the whole sin/sinner thing. it's a very difficult lesson, but like i said, i had this grandmother who raised a daughter who raised me. i will continue to do my best to be as good as they were and are. i will fail a lot. i will succeed a lot, too.

does this clarify things? remember when i write in brief passages, to read what i write. at no time did i say that my feelings were right. i stated my view in a pretty straight-forward way.

i couldn't wait to leave "my hometown" because of the circumstances of my life there. i'm glad i got out and don't go back very often. i'm grateful for the people who were brave enough and insightful enough to reach out to me when i lived there. i am still in contact with two people outside my family in "my hometown." i am being specific about "my hometown", as opposed to, say, "another nearby town."

the hurtful type of people that i described are everywhere, it just so happens that my first exposure to this type of person was in "my hometown." my emotions around this issue are strongest. second on my list as far as ignorant, harmful people would be my ex-family; and then, some of my current neighbors. i'm learning to deal with it a bit better every day mostly by focusing on my children, grandchildren, nice neighbors, and dear friends in this area.

finally, i do not view myself as a victim. i am a survivor, whether i like it or not. i've got a pretty balanced view of life. i am able to admit my own mistakes and take responsibility for them. i also make no apologies for my feelings; they enlighten me on a daily basis, whether they are good or bad.

so enough about me already. damn. this took a good chunk of my day. shit. got to go figure out how i'm going to survive without a job and no unemployment now. think i'm going the way of "facebook friend." off.

Goodness!

I haven't posted since Wednesday, July 7th. That should tell me something...

"What?" you say.

A few things:

1. July is Le Tour de France Month for me, and Thor Hushovd is my favorite cyclist in the race. The first week is usually a Sprinters' Week, and Thor Hushovd is a Sprinter. The races start at 7:30am and end around 10:30am streamed LIVE on my computer. I make coffee at some point and watch in bed. I draw inspiration for my day.

2. July 8th (Thursday), I did another stint of Extra work. I got ready with Le Tour on in the background and left the house at around 12:30pm after doing a phone interview with a staffing agency that has an opening with Abbott. I was late to set. Disappointed with myself, I moved my car a lot, changed three times, took extra food for later when in line, and much to my dismay and subsequent obsessing; I gave the Assistant Costume Designer, Andrea, a disappointed look when she said I could be a Street Pedestrian. The worst thing about that look is that it worked out to my advantage, again. I'm so sorry, Andrea, wherever you are. Uncalled for, and below my standards for myself. I did have a good talk with Tyler, the Extras PA; Will and Tim, two PA's that BB has worked with; Tom, the Extras Hair Stylist for the evening; and Daniel, the Costume Designer. I was annoyed by one group who complained far too much and got paired with one of the ladies. I think I talked too much, and that damned disappointed look. Oh well. Got off early again and was happy to have spent a few hours in Heaven. It was really soothing to my soul, so if I've outworn my welcome in Heaven; well, maybe I'll endear myself enough to gain entrance to another Heaven or even the same one someday. All is not lost. It's a long race to the finish, and a Professional doesn't panic and shows up when sick, injured and/or scared. Check. Got home around 1am and took a few hours to wind down. Answered a few emails and settled a few thoughts; such as, "OK, so I could work for Abbott," and "Let go." Still not falling asleep until 3am did take its toll.

3. Friday, July 9th, was a big day for me.... One of my cousins got married, one of my best friend's had a birthday, and it's the anniversary of The Finalization of My Divorce in 1990. Happy 20th to me! Congrats to my cousin! Happy 40th to my friend! Seems as thought I'm forgetting someone or something. In any case, it was a rather emotional day for those reasons. Ping-Pong Ball kinda emotions. Lots to process. I also chose to apply for Food Stamps because my Unemployment Benefits have been exhausted which meant that I had to call Unemployment. I had to call the Housing Authority, too, because I am eligible for a reduction in rent because of my income change. Folks, do you ever think about the workers on the front lines who are trying to help the many who are losing benefits and ..... Well, I can tell you that it's taking its toll on them. We all agree that we're not happy with our Representatives for taking a vacation without voting on and passing another extension to the Unemployment Benefits. The receptionist was particularly distraught which she displayed through exasperated questions that were really none of her business. I did my best to educate her. So there I was, just as I had predicted, without money applying for other forms of help and doing my best to be polite and civil while my cousin and quite a few of my family were together celebrating my cousin's wedding. I guess knowing that if I'd had the money, I wouldn't have attended the wedding, nor gotten together with my friend for her 40th Birthday celebration did give me some solace. Besides, I was dead tired; so after taking care of a bit of immediate survival stuff, I slept until 8pm. When I awoke, I was a grouch, sore, and completely disappointed with the condition of the house. I snarked at BB, but we talked and will get through this, too.

4. It is now Saturday, July 10th, and I have watched the first Mountain Stage of Le Tour. I have again been inspired. I am again back at my blog. I am again sorting through the many thoughts and emotions that I have. I am almost ready to start carrying out my plans which means the house will be cleaned, the garage sale stuff will be sorted and priced, and we will eat something good at least three times today. There will be hugging and laughing because that is a part of "The Three Rules." Have I written that story for you yet? I have written it before, but I can't remember if I've done it here. Does anyone know? Please let me know if you get the chance because I'm going to be off working on stuff and really don't feel like going through all my posts. I have to make a Student Loan payment because I didn't get my stuff in for an Economic Hardship Deferment, but it's only $40; so I'll manage. This should clear up my record; so that, I can enroll in school for the Fall. I have spoken to my daughter on her only day off because she called me. I cheered her up and frustrated her all in one call. I am so good at multitasking.

That's it for now. I think I've settled some thoughts about my future and need to put things into action. I'll have to do a count, but I believe that I have a few posts to make-up, again; so I'll be back.

Oh to be Samantha Stevens or Mary Poppins.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Necessary Mundane Parts of Life

I've spent the most of the day being upset about one thing or another, so it's not surprise that at the end of the night that my stomach is upset. I'm light-headed, too. Dizzy, really.

Need to get to bed and rest for my day tomorrow as an Extra, again.

Folded all the clothes that are upstairs and moved an armchair into the living room.

Learned that my son does respect me and my wishes and is just very forgetful.

Guess I'm reeling with the knowledge that my Unemployment checks have stopped, and I have very limited income. Good thing I'm having a "My Family Needs to Eat" Sale.

Have decided not to delete all my extended family's e-mails for now. Thinking I'll give them to the end of the month to contact me, and if they don't - "Bye, Bye!" Face it. They won't notice anyway.

Just tired, Folks. Did get some really good work done today and tonight.

OH! AND I was totally FREAKED OUT when one of BB & SA's friends walked into my house without knocking. Walked right into my living room before I saw him. That set off a whole string of emotions related to having my space violated. NOT FUN!

Well, I'm off to bed. Someday I will finish the other Extra thingie. I could ruin the ending, but you're all patient, right?

Sweet dreams. Hugs and kisses. Go do some good deeds because ..... :D

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

THOR WINS STAGE & GREEN JERSEY!

July 6th is my Grandma Corbin's Birthday. She died a few years ago. Today, I felt her presence all around me. As soon as I realized it was her birthday, I thought about tickled she'd be to see Thor Hushovd (NOR) win today's stage of Le Tour de France! Not that she was a cycling fan, that I know of, but she is All-Norwegian, so National Pride would carry the day!

In her honor and in honor of Thor's BRILLIANT ride, I headed out to do good today and was very successful.

I helped a new friend close up her office by cleaning it and taking some desks to sell in my garage sale. Duncan helped, too! He's only half Norwegian, but he did a stellar job. ;)

I worked for over eight hours, and then went out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in Lake Forest; The Lantern. It's amazingly affordable and good, down home cooking. A real gem.

Took Dunc to get his car from the truck rental place, and headed to Walgreen's to get some shampoo, conditioner and cream. I was a stinky, sweaty mess. I was sore when I got out of the car, but it soon went away.

When I got home, Atmosphere Casting called again! I'm going to be an Extra AGAIN on Thursday. Wow! Completely unexpected.

I got a response to an email I sent my cousin that made me feel good, too.

BB & SA made me laugh as usual, and I just might go see the Finals of the World Cup with SA on Sunday - if Spain wins. Go Spain!

Thank you, Grandma Corbin, for blessing me on your birthday. Your love is forever, and I am over-the-moon lucky to be your granddaughter. You've inspired me to be a better person all of my life, and I think I might be starting to get it right. Love you forever and ever and ever.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy Independence Day!

Yes, I will finish my Extra story, but in the meantime ...

I stalled yesterday. Knowing that I had more to write about my Extra experience, and knowing that this would take more effort than I had inside me; I made a phone call to a distant cousin. It was nice to get to know each other a bit. We talked about money, life in the entertainment industry, the sixties, family and sex. He's a quick wit and matching him was a great game. We laughed, chuckled, and just shared. Our conversation is still rattling around inside, bouncing from brain to heart and back again. My lifelong dream of talking to this particular cousin was achieved yesterday, and it is my hope that we will talk again. If we don't, at least I had one phenomenal conversation with a complex, caring man who's still taking on life on his terms. Dang, if the guy didn't inspire me, but I'm just getting to know him and have to remind myself that he did make a living in the Entertainment Industry. He has been paid to be charming. I have a tendency to trust too soon, so we'll see what he's really like should I speak with him again.

I learned that the Peace Medallion that I remember him wearing was acquired at Haight-Ashbury at the height of the sixties reveling; and that, he still has it somewhere. I learned that he's not such a recluse as previously thought. I learned that like him, any work in the entertainment industry is about the money and experience; they have to balance out somehow. Too little money, and not enough experience means, "I'll pass and go dig ditches for more."

I learned a lot including that I have listened to primarily males talk about sexual stuff for most of my life. It started in Eighth Grade when I was a Boys Basketball Manager and has continued to this day. I think the talk is many times for shock value or for some sort of perverse pleasure, but I also think that a lot can be learned by holding my own in the conversation. After all, I can and do say, "No", "Enough", and "Stop." Having said all of that, there is only so much that I can tolerate, and I have to respect this about myself. Should a person overstep my boundaries I've given myself permission to dismiss them from my life. It goes against my inner-most nature, but I've done it before and may be pressed to do it again. I hope not, but I am a realist.

I also believe that people need to have a safe place to express their thoughts, to make mistakes, to be bad, to be good, and to just be themselves. It's the mother in me, I guess. It's the Agape Love thing I hold so dear. There are many that I love who offend and hurt me, but then again; I hurt and offend many, too. This all seems so simple and maybe not worth even writing, but it is good for me to write it. I'm no saint, but I do have a large capacity for forgiveness and love. I also would like to have it in writing; so that, I can review my thoughts and see if they are worth passing along to anyone. Guess this is one of my more introspective journalistic entries. I am learning a bit more about myself, though; so I'll add that I have learned the value of boundaries and feel that they are necessary to preserve both safety and sanity.

Considering the amount of time that I've spent talking about a whole slew of sexual material, maybe I should've been a Sex Therapist. LOL - NOT! I am happy that my sex drive walked out the door one day and hasn't returned. Should it ever change it's mind, I simply ask that it call first, so I can lock the doors and move if necessary.

By the time I was twenty, I thought I was sexually burnt out. My passions were rekindled, and I had two children. My passions have been misdirected, exploited and abused; so I've let them go on their merry way. I am embracing my Grandma Nature and happy to not think about sex any more - except in the context of protecting myself, my children, my grandchildren, and my community from sexual predators. For this reason I get to go to court in August and testify against the guy who flashed me in the Walgreen's parking lot at ten o'clock on a Friday night. Oh joy. Not fun, but necessary. Breathe, two, three, four.

After having so many thoughts stirred up during our conversation, I was hungry. It was about 4:30pm. I really have to change my eating habits because hunger pangs and headaches are not fun. In any case, I went to the grocery store and got some catfish, crab meat, and chicken breasts (the cheapest proteins available). I shopped for one. I only spent $40 and got a good amount of fruits and vegetables, too. No soda, chips or chocolate was purchased. Now there's a good thing. I made a quick homemade pasta sauce with a can of crushed tomatoes, green pepper, onion and spices. With dinner eaten, I went to bed.

So yesterday was my holiday, and I took it off from writing. I thoroughly enjoyed talking to my cousin. I've wanted to for years. I honestly can't wait to see what other stories he might tell me. He is definitely "outside the box", and I feel a certain kindred spirit with him. You see, for all the talking ... well, it felt good to be myself with a member of my family. Though, after much thought, I'm not sure about him. I'm beginning to think this has been more of a novelty than a lasting relationship. In fact, I'm quite sure of it.

I thought about my relationships with my family a lot yesterday, too. Of the thirteen cousins, three aunts, two uncles, and twenty other distant cousins in the USA that I know of; I talk to one aunt, one cousin, and now two distant cousins, usually if I call and they pick up the phone except for my favorite cousin who does call me on occasion at odd hours of the night and delights me with whatever he's into at the moment. Statistically speaking, that's just over ten percent. I've stopped calling and don't expect to hear from anyone ever again, except maybe my favorite cousin because he might just call unexpectedly and delight me again. As for the rest of my family here in the states, I see no relationships developing in the future. Kinda bleak, huh. We'll see if my viewpoint changes.

This is the point in my life when I have decided to focus on what I have as opposed to what I don't have. The measure of my life is not in quantity, but rather in quality. I worked my ass off and sacrificed so much to raise happy, healthy, fully-functioning adult children. My sacrifices were in the form of physical and mental health, monetary security, reputation, confidence and companionship. My reward for my sacrifices is more than words can express. I am happy to say that my children are my favorite people in the world; not because they are my drones, but because they are brilliant individuals who love me back.

I also have parents who love me even if we don't talk much for a whole variety of reasons primarily having to do with our schedules. My brother and I are mending our relationship, and this makes me happy, too. The one thing I have never sacrificed was and is my ability to love; I've just learned to establish boundaries and to NOT throw pearls before swine.

This is a good thing when embracing my Grandma Nature since I have two absolutely wonderful granddaughters, and one of them thinks I'm one of her best friends. Well, gee. Honestly Folks, after everything that has happened and continues to happen in my life, there it is; my complete reason for getting up and breathing everyday. I've got a new best friend, and she's pretty darn amazing. We have so much to tell each other and teach each other. We have a lot of laughing and playing and reading and hanging out to do. Quite frankly, people, I finally just might not give a damn about all the stupid, silly, mean people in my life - or at least, I've found a foundation from which to leap.

It's far better than the heart ache that I've felt for years and will continue to feel when I think about the people who discount my existence. I've worked so hard to be understanding, forgiving, and loving; and I get caught up in the "she hasn't returned a call in twenty years" sort of stuff. It does feel bad to be dismissed and ignored, especially by family that I grew up with and by people who don't even know me; but rather, judge me by stories heard or the cover of my book.

All is not lost, though. I now have my children and two cousins, who happen to be male, who have said in so many words or specifically, "Fuck 'em." As I recall, now, since I am a typical child, my parents said that a lot, too. I don't know that I can fully embrace a "fuck 'em" attitude, but I certainly can work on focusing on what I do have and letting what I don't have fade away. It's a matter of survival, I guess.

So here's to Independence Day. May we all remember to keep the baby and throw out the bath water.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Update - Senator Dick Durbin's Response

I've been writing Part Three of "Extra! Extra! Read All About It!", but it is not ready, yet. I took yesterday off since I've double posted for a few days. In the meantime, below is Senator Dick Durbin's response to my original e-mail. He/his staff took longer to reply, but it is more to point. Still, so many words to say so little. It is educational, though.

July 1, 2010

[NAME & ADDRESS - omitted for blog purposes]

Dear Ms. _______:

Thank you for contacting me regarding the extension of unemployment benefits. I appreciate hearing from you and share your frustration that this has not yet been resolved.

Unemployment benefits are generally available for up to 26 weeks. Over the past year, in the face of a deep recession, Congress worked with President Obama to temporarily expand the program, bringing the maximum coverage to 99 weeks. Because this expansion has been provided only on a temporary basis, Congress has needed to extend the coverage each time benefits expire. The most recent extension expired June 2, 2010, and the Minority has repeatedly blocked our attempts to renew it.

I am deeply troubled that certain members of the Senate Minority have objected to extending these critically important benefits, forcing thousands of individuals to lose unemployment benefits for days or weeks.

At the same time, a growing number of individuals are exhausting the maximum 99 weeks of unemployment benefits available to them. Many are now advocating making unemployment benefits available beyond the current 99 weeks.

The intense focus on the federal budget deficit and opposition from certain Senators is making it increasingly difficult to maintain the current level of benefits, much less increase the number of weeks of coverage.

Unemployment insurance is a critical safety net for our nation's workers. In these difficult economic times, our first priority must be to help Americans return to work, while ensuring that the unemployed receive assistance to help make ends meet while they look for a new job. I will keep your support for unemployment insurance in mind as I keep pressing the Minority to let us extend unemployment insurance and other programs to assist the unemployed.

Thank you again for contacting me. Please feel free to keep in touch.

Sincerely,

Richard J. Durbin
United States Senator


RJD/tr

Extra! Extra! Read All About It! PART THREE

Arriving back at Extras Holding, I saw the woman, who had been sitting next to me at lunch, having a cigarette.

"Smoking?" I thought and noticed two more people smoking outside, "Yay! I'm going for it."

One cigarette later, I went back into Extras Holding to wait. I was still a sweaty mess, so I spent a lot of time by the A/C. I didn't spend all of my time by the A/C, though.

I went outside to have another cigarette and soon heard a guy in shorts, a t-shirt and baseball cap, "I can't believe I caught him! Whew! Probably because I'm not wearing my vest. Thirty-five pounds lighter must be why. I'm an off-duty police officer," he continued and lifted up his t-shirt to reveal his gun.

"What happened?" I asked the woman I'd been smoking with.

"They caught a shoplifter."

"What?"

"Yeah," the off-duty cop went on, "How stupid do you have to be ..."

"You'd think with all these cop cars around ...," a uniformed officer joined in.

We all looked from cop car to cop car and from cop to cop. It was mind-boggling. Why would someone do that? Maybe he needed a place to sleep. Maybe he really is stupid. Honestly though, why would someone shoplift in the middle of a movie location with so many law enforcement and security personnel around? We shook our heads. A few chuckled. We stood and watched the real-life drama unfold as two female officers showed up in a sqaud car.

"They'll be taking him in," said the uniformed officer.

We continued to watch. Sure enough, in no time at all, the suspect walked out, handcuffed behind his back with a patrolwoman on either arm. I almost felt sorry for the guy, but that didn't last long. We all just stared in disbelief. Little did we know what we would witness this evening.

I went back inside because Bob and Tyler told us to. Everybody moved into the room and towards their seats.

Bob stood by the door and announced, "OK, I'd like all the people who are going to be inside to stand over here," Bob said, "... and who here is a pedestrian?"

In almost all cases, while someone was making an announcement, they would have to stop what they were saying to listen to their headset and maybe respond. In all cases, a polite, "Just a minute" or "Excuse me" smoothly inserted.

Soon the people who were going to be inside and pedestrians were gone. I saw the redhead and brunette women leave dressed in their waitress outfits. I saw the guy who was playing a busboy leave wearing a dirtier t-shirt than the one he had shown up in. I'd watched the Wardrobe Master teach him how to tie his apron while he was being set up. I saw the woman I had lunch and a cigarette with leave with the group going inside. I watched the woman who had the fantastic costume on ahead of me in line head out with the group going inside. I watched others in brighter costumes leave knowing that they would be pedestrians across the street.

I started to settle down and considered what I was going to do to keep myself busy. I didn't have time to decide before Bob returned.

"We're going to use some of our drivers as pedestrians. When I call your name, please go stand over there."

As he called each name, I sat in my corner hoping that he wouldn't call my name.

"Michelle," Bob said.

"Shit," I thought, "OK. Here we go."

I stood up, headed to the other side of the room, got in line and waited. People started talking a bit, and I went to the bathroom, again. Dang nerves.

Soon enough, Bob returned and more instructions were given. We were to be split up into groups. I was placed in a grop of five closest to Extras Holding. Our group was assigned to Laurel, one of the many PA's on the set.

The whole lot of us moved outside and waited. I looked around at the people noting that the one guy who really wanted to be in the movie hadn't been picked. I heard another guy tell his buddy not to join the "chosen ones" and not to worry because they'd get picked, too. I just waited. I didn't really listen to what was being said. Mainly, I listened to tone of voice and observed body language.

There was a young woman who looked amazingly like Winona Ryder. It was uncanny. I saw her talking to Bob and another gentleman. I would later learn that the other man was Jon, the Atmosphere Casting Casting Director.

Soon boredom crept in, and I saw the police officer that I'd been noticing for about a half hour. He looked very much like an officer that I'd met back in the fall when BB was shooting a Buick commercial. It had been a memorable occasion for me, and I was pretty sure that he was the one who had spontaneously posed for me while I hid and tried to take pics of BB without being noticed or in the shot.

I walked up to the officer, "Excuse me. Did you work a Buick commercial last fall?"

The officer looked at me and told me that he had.

"I was there taking pictures of my son."

"Who's your son?"

"BB"

"Oh yeah, I remember," he said, "I remember you taking the picture, "How is he?"

"He's good. He's working on his own project, but maybe when he gets done, he'll be called in here, or..."

"Good," said Gary, "Nice to see you, again. Opes. Gotta go. Thanks for remembering. See you." Gary left towards Extra Casting, and I returned to my group.

Again, the groups moved, and we were finally split into the groups we would be in until further notice. Laurel introduced herself, and we waited some more. People started loosening up. People started talking. Well, actually, Lauren, the woman who was a dead-ringer for Winona Ryder kept talking. She was very excited.

"They said that I look exactly like Winona; and that, they wished they'd seen me before they cast her double. They were talking about using me. Do you think they will?" Lauren went on and on.

I was glad to listen and not offer any opinions. I was happy to observe and listen. I was getting more and more comfortable. My feet felt good. My back didn't hurt. I was sweating in my hoodie, but there was a really nice breeze.
Standing with Laurel and the other four Extras in my group, I kept my mouth shut and listened.

"OK," Laurel said, "Here's what we're going to do. Ping-Ponging...."

I looked at her completely confused. Everyone must've because she continued, "I'll be sending you by ones and twos. All you have to do is walk to the other corner. OK. Rolling."

With Laurel at one end and another wonderful, female PA at the other; ten of us walked from corner to corner. We stood and waited, and while we did we started to talk. We got to know each other a bit more.

My group consisted of the aforementioned Winona Ryder Look Alike, Lauren; Wesley; Charlie; Dan and me. Lauren talked non-stop. That was OK. It kept things lively. Nobody was required to join in. She mainly talked with Laurel, but sometimes just threw a random story out there. For the first part of the evening, the stories centered around her desire to act and experiences on sets.

"He was really nice. Let me stand there and watch the monitors with his hand on my back...." Lauren continued on.

Charlie and I looked at each other. Laurel drew back a centimeter. Wes and Dan perked up. Lauren noticed. She wasn't a stupid woman; just a bit naive.

"You don't think ..."

The Extras looked at each other, looked at Laurel, the PA, and looked down at the sidewalk.

"Yeah," Laurel grimaced, "That's a bit much."

Charlie kinda snorted and added, "Yeah."

Dan, Wesley, and I joined in with a "yeah", too.

Poor Lauren saw a bit her naivity land in a puddle at her feet. An awkward silence insued. No one spoke. No one spoke for a few minutes. By this time in the evening, we had walked a good couple of times. We had stopped and started over. We had "reset." We were tired and a bit sore.

As we continued to stand or lean on the planter and wait, I started a conversation with Charlie.

"So what brings you here tonight?