Painfully Trite No More

The honesty required to go forward is scary, painful, and angry.  When I first thought of writing this blog, a part of the thinking was to let others know that being unemployed, fat, depressed, disappointed, doubtful, fearful, and lethargic ... well, I'm not so unique, so maybe there are others out there who are feeling a few or more of the same feelings.  So bonding, sharing, encouraging and just plain raging.

I also had this grand idea that because I would be accountable and considerate of others that I would do better with my own life.  I've already made mistakes, so I'm going to clear the air with a good dose of reality.

At this moment, right now, I am feeling a bit better than a few days ago; but I am down.  I am really, really down.

When I get down like this I spend a lot of time thinking about killing myself.  It is a fantasy; and yet, it gets very close to the bone.  This is a diagnosis for clinical depression and possible in-patient treatment.  I accept this.  I also know that I will not committ suicide in a quick dramatic way; but that, I am committing suicide on a daily basis.  OUCH.  OK, that hurt.

Most every night I go to bed with thoughts that "tomorrow" I will .... knowing that I'll fail.  My pattern has been to work very hard for one day and then pay for it the next.  This is not working, obviously. 

I guess it's time to lay it on the table, again.  These are the things I want to accomplish and need to accomplish in the next six weeks:

1.  I need a job.  If I do not have "suitable and stable" employment in six weeks, I will lose $6,000 and have to pay back $3,000 to a program that I've been involved with for five years.

2.  I need to lose weight.  If I do not lose weight, I will continue to get sick more often and be in pain every day.

3.  I need to cheer up and focus on what I can do in a balanced, productive, fun way.  If I do not do this, I will continue to live with the feelings of worthlessness and disappontment that are killing me slowly and surely every day.

4.  I need to quit smoking.  If I do not quit smoking, I will continue to get sick more often and quite possibly die of some disease that is related to smoking.  I have smoked for so long, I may still die of one of these diseases, but that's no reason to continue to hurt myself so obviously.

That's what I need to do in the next six weeks.  Here is how I plan to address each point starting tomorrow.

1.  Getting a job:  I will continue to look for work on-line and put together a mailing to friends, business acquaintances, and foes that includes my resume and a cover letter explaining my position and skills.  I plan on sending my resume to a variety of people that have helped and hurt me professionally and personally throughout the years.  It is a broad spectrum approach based on a specific set of criteria.  It is a tad rebellious which is fitting with my personality.  It may seem a bit weird to send my resume to people that I feel have hurt me in the past, but it may be possible that through one of them a solution will be found.  I am not in a position to exclude anyone.

     I will also go forward with my educational goals of improving my technological, childcare, writing, and art skills. 

2.  Losing weight:  Starting with a eat/exercise/sleep approach, I will work up a stuctured schedule that includes a list of foods that I can eat.  I will post this on the frig. 

3.  Cheering up:  I will breathe and do what I plan to do.  I will focus on those things I can control and let the rest go.  I will look in the mirror and say five affirmations each day which really irks me, but might just work.  I will meditate.

4.  Quitting smoking:  I will finish up the rest of the cigarettes that I have in the house; and then, I will start using the electric cigarettes I bought over a month ago.

5.  Each day there will be a four-point report incorporated into my blog. 

OK, so there's a concrete plan.  If any part of it might work for you, or if anyone has any suggestions; please feel free.