Being Nice

I was talking with a friend yesterday about my choice to be a nice person. Their responses made me think about my choice for the rest of the day.

First they said, "Nice people get walked on", to which I responded, "I do what I want to do, and I don't do what I don't want to do." As I said the words, I knew that they weren't true. I knew that I've been walked on multiple times while doing things that I didn't want to do. I also knew that I've done things to help people because I wanted to help them even though I might not particularly like what I was doing or the time and effort it took to help. Still, by helping I was living up to my spiritual beliefs, so my reward was in the doing and not in the getting.

Secondly, they said, "Nice people finish last; they don't get anything." I responded that I didn't want anything. Well now, that's a bald-faced lie. There's plenty that I want. There's a whole slew of things that I want. It also brought up the whole "Doing -vs- Getting" issue.

I did tell my friend, "Being nice is a part of my spiritual belief structure. It makes me happy. I plan on living the rest of my days being nice because I intend to continue to walk my spiritual path."

My friend just said, "Oh."

It was the way that my friend said, "Oh", that is important, though. There was an acceptance of my choice. There was a calmness, and if I might be so bold, a loving air to that simple response.

So let's chalk one up for being nice, and let's define it a bit more thoroughly.

1. Being nice does not mean a person is unable to stand up for themselves. It means that they can do it in a nice way; firmly. "No," can be said in a very nice way and still means, "No." This will work most of the time with people who love and respect a person. Other measures may have to be taken with people who do not love or respect a person, or in the worst case, mean to do a person harm.

2. Being nice is not about throwing pearls before swine. The more difficult issue is determining if a person is dealing with a swine. There are plenty of charming and manipulative con artists in the world who make a lovely living off their victims.

3. Being nice is about being respectful and loving and using one's intellect and instinct. It is difficult, but through a lifetime of focus, a balanced approach can be achieved.

4. Being nice is about being nice to yourself, first.

I think #4 is the key. If I am nice to myself, first; then, I can make choices based on what I can and cannot do for someone else. I do not want to be a martyr. I do want to do good deeds, though.

So all day long, I was again thinking about my grandma while I did a bit of grocery shopping, clothes shopping, cooking, cleaning, and crocheting. My grandma was nice. She was also firm. She was a Second Grade teacher. She was a Christian. She did not gossip. She read her Bible at least twice a day. She changed with the times and according to the changes in her family. She was intelligent. She was a fierce Field Hockey player as a girl. She was the first in her family to go to college. She put her little sister through college because her father told her that she had to do it. She married twice and outlived both husbands. She understood her first husband, loved him, and had compassion for him that was ahead of her time. My grandma was ahead of her time in many areas. I never heard her raise her voice, nor has any member of the family that I've talked to ever heard her raise her voice. She liked some people and didn't like others. She did get mad. She turned the other cheek. She lived a peaceful, simple life. She did things that people didn't approve of and listened when they told her that they didn't approve of her actions. I've heard that her biggest flaw was that she didn't like confrontation and backed down too often. She worked from sun up to sun down when she had to and had wonderful vacations when she could. She could out go the Energizer Bunny and ran circles around me when I was five years old up until I was around forty years old. She was frustrated when her age prevented her from doing everything that she used to do. She loved me deeply and took the time to show it.

When I think about my grandma, I want to embody all her good qualities. I've always thought of her as a saint, but more importantly, I've seen her as a dignified, gentle woman who did stand up for what she believed in.

I watched her listen to a woman talk about how her husband had beat her. I remember my grandma's gentle words, "You have to leave. You have to leave and take your children." Grandma then let the woman use the phone to call her mother, and arrangements were made for the woman and her children to go there directly from my grandma and grandpa's house. I also remember that the woman's drunk husband came to the house, and my grandma lied and told him that she hadn't seen his wife and children.

About that time, my grandpa came home. Grandpa saw what was going on at his backdoor and offered to drive the man to his house after dinner. My grandma and grandpa had the man to dinner that night. They listened to him, did their Bible study without forcing anyone to join in with them, and lo and behold, the man opened up about how he'd been treating his wife. They listened some more, and suggested that the man might talk to his pastor about his mistakes. They suggested that he stop drinking because it didn't seem to be helping anything. They offered their support to his entire family. They told him that they wouldn't tell anyone what he had told them, but that he needed to get help because he was facing the loss of everything good in his life.

In about a week, the woman, her husband, and their children came to dinner at Grandma and Grandpa's house. While the adults played cards, the kids played. We all laughed and had a good time.

The next summer when I went for a visit, I played with the kids again and saw their parents. Everyone was doing fine.

I want to be the kind of nice that is wise, brave, caring and strong. I've seen what a person gets for being that way; priceless positive change. This is what I want out of life. I want the brains and heart that my "simple", country grandparents had.

I have failed so many times to be this kind of nice. The cost of my failure is immeasurably painful, and the only thing that gives me any hope is that I might be able to make amends and help turn situations around for the better. I realize that not all situations can be mended, nor is it my responsibility to mend them. I can, however, be a steadfast pillar of calm, loving, intelligent support. I can speak up for what I believe even when I'm told that people don't care. I can try. I know who I am now, and who I want to be in the future. It's all a part of my life's journey. I see it now. The only way to survive the heartache of my mistakes is to change my action plan; see the big picture and be the agent for change. It is time to put fear in its place and act upon all the good that is inside me.

It starts by being nice to myself, so I think that I will head off to do some laundry because my jeans are in the wash; and I'd like to go for a walk to the beach just one, measly mile down the road. I must remember what I thought when I left Topanga, "Here the ocean was just one mile down the road, and you locked yourself up in an 8 x 36 trailer all of those days. You silly, silly woman."

It is time to eat some breakfast, drink some water, and take care of me. I have homework to complete. I have housework to complete. I have so many things to complete today. It will be nice to take care of myself and my needs again today.