Exhausted

For all the supposed revealing information this blog is to contain, there is much that is not written about. The jury is still out on subject matter issues. What can I say? The Princess is off with her most trusted friend doing something, and I am left here deciding what to do with my night.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted again. I'm thinking that some clean sheets on the bed and a good night's rest will lead to a productive day tomorrow. I did buy new deadbolts for the front and back doors, so I can install them tomorrow. The whole house still needs to be cleaned and prepared for shooting on Tuesday. I do have a massage scheduled for Sunday.

Basically, as usual, while I divulge much; I hold much inside. The basics of my life suck. I need to exercise my heart and mind, again. The contradiction in my life is getting me down. It's absolutely too depressing for words.

Underneath depression is anger. I am very angry. I'm angry at myself, mostly. I'm a push-over with little to no will power. I see no value in my life. I exist simply because it would hurt others if I didn't. I'm sick of living this way. Do you know what it's like to live your life in a prison dictated by the feelings of others? Do you know what it feels like to want a do-over? I bet a lot of people do. I just happen to be one of them.

People have no idea how I read them through their comments and actions. I never really tell them.

"You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth!"

Yep. I, like my Grandma Corbin, will go to my grave with so many secrets. I think it's best this way. Sometimes I just wish the grave would come sooner than later. It's really hard keeping my mouth shut for the sake of others while I slowly die each day because of it. What to do? What to do?

I wonder what the Princess and her most trusted friend are doing. If I try real hard maybe I can go crazy and not recognize my life at all; I can live in a fantasy land until the day I die. Then everybody's secrets would be safe, including mine.

The one thing we all know is that I am a failure. No self pity there. Just the facts, Ma'am.

I'm going to bed. Hopefully I'll see the Princess in my dreams.