Creating Through the Pain

If my recent knitting and crocheting productivity is any reflection of the amount of pain that I am in, well then I'm doing a bang up job of pushing through it on a daily basis. It is something to continue to create when so emotionally and physically distressed. I'll give that to me. I'm doing something in spite of just wanting to go to sleep until everything "clears up." I'm getting "my feet under me" as I push through and continue to do the mundane, the creative, and the communing activities of life. I am squashing old foibles, habits, and weaknesses every single day. I do acknowledge this and really do feel a need to shout it out to all, "I'm Doing It! I'm Fighting Back! I'm Being So Very Patient! I AM HERE Waiting for the day when Something, Anything gets Better! I Will NOT Give Up!"

With that in mind:

If all goes well, I will have Big Girl's "blanket for my bed at home" done by Monday. I've got twelve more rows to crochet, all ends to sew in, washing and blocking to do. The blanket will be fifty-four rows long when it is done, so I am on the home stretch. It is very heavy and big enough to cover a twin-size bed. I didn't realize that it would be so heavy. It is warm and soft, too. I'm using Lion Brand Hometown (thick) yarn. Big Girl approved the colors and design when she visited two weeks ago. It is purple, white, navy blue and lime green. The pattern is a traditional zigzag. I crocheted until 6:38am this morning and was up at 11:30am to get my day started. I need to eat, but I have showered. I've also taken care of business and am writing this blog.

My time crocheting and knitting is time for me to work through things. It's meditative in some ways. It's certainly creative, too. Every project provides an opportunity for me to use my creative mind and skills. Each project also provides an opportunity for me to work on math problems, too. I never seem to just follow a prescribed pattern. I'm always futzing with it. This creates many challenges and many times the results are not what I'd hoped for. I learn something new with each project, so my skills are improving.

I have no grand insights today because I'm in the middle of disciplining my inner environment. There are many serious thoughts and emotions to deal with and put a positive spin on. Positive thinking does not come naturally to me, so this time is exhausting. I have no idea if the whole positive thinking thing will really work. I guess it may just be another coping skill.

I'm facing the realities of my life head on and realizing that I have many, many regrets. It is a constant struggle to be happy and love myself. My grief is sometimes unbearable, or so I think. This is when I crochet and knit the most.


For those who would like to check out Dare Wright's Official Website: http://www.darewright.com/index.htm -- It is fascinating.

I've mentioned the book and series before, but again; Dare Wright wrote ten "Lonely Doll" books that were brilliantly illustrated with photographs. The only one that I have is, "A Gift from the Lonely Doll." It's made an indelible impact on my life. I haven't quite figured out if my attachment to this is entirely healthy, but like "The Lonely Doll" I am knitting (and crocheting) gifts for those I love consistently in spite of whatever difficulties I may be experiencing.



So I will go off and ponder my existence while I continue to create. I have twelve rows to finish on Big Girl's afghan and all the finishing work to do before Monday morning; so I'm off to do that now. If all goes well I will continue on to finish her scarf and Little One's blanket. I wonder if I can get all of this done before Monday. I guess we'll see.

... and yes, I will remember to take care of myself, too. It is now 2:30pm. I will put something on the TV that I enjoy and love myself for the rest of the day.

Take care of yourselves. Remember, we lonely people do have a place in this world. We also have the power to overcome the pain of loneliness. Oh, that Positive Thinking thing can be a real pain, you know; but it is so very useful. Keep on Keepin' On, Everyone!