Anxiety Attacks Suck

Durwood's Glen Shrine (Photo: Forward @ 50)

What's more to say. Spent the majority of the day shaking. This is happening more frequently, and I think it's due to being unemployed for so long and wanting to see my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren more. The consistent failure to land a job after interviewing is really getting to me. Nothing new there. Wanting to see my daughter's family more is constant, too, even though I understand all the reasons that I can't right now. It's hard living so close; and yet, being so far away. I'm doing my best to be understanding and not place any more pressure and stress on them. My daughter and son-in-law are working so hard to make a good life for themselves and their children. I just have my desires to deal with. I focused so much of my attention on raising my children that now that I have to find my own life I'm out of my comfort zone. Besides, I always dreamed of being the appropriately helpful, non-interfering, lovable mother and mother-in-law who is there with some food, many hugs and kisses, lots of time to listen, and whatever they needed me to do. It's harder than I imagined to do what they need me to do which is understand that I can't see them as much as I would like.

In spite of all of this, my mood is basically fine. I'm just shaking. I've eaten pretty well today, too. It's just really strange to shake, become immobile, and wait to see when it will pass without being able to make it stop. It can be downright annoying, frustrating, and demoralizing. I always think to myself that I'm weak for not being able to control these things. I get mad at myself and focus intently on stopping the shaking, but it doesn't work. Most of the time I can push through it, but this has prompted me to go ahead and see if I can get a doctor's appointment with the county health department to see what to do. Last I checked, I can get an appointment in about a month. No insurance means that I haven't seen a doctor in over a year. Except for a cat bite, an ear ache, and now more frequent anxiety attacks; I'm fine. Well, I am morbidly obese and smoke, so ... I guess it's a matter of perspective.

Sorry so boring. I know there are bunches of people who are struggling while looking for work, so if this helps anyone feel as though they're not alone that's GREAT! I sincerely believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just haven't found the tunnel yet. (rim shot! - ha, ha! a joke!) Hang in there my fellow strugglers and survivors. I'm rooting for all of us. I know it's hard and giving up seems so appealing at times. We just can't. We just need to rest, eat well, and keep plugging away. My heart goes out to all of you and to me, too. I don't have any answers, but for what it's worth; I'm here and hoping for a brighter future for all.

I'm headed to bed to rest and wait for a phone call from my son telling me that he has arrived at his grandparents' home safely. Hopefully, I'll feel a lot better in the morning. I have a two busy days coming up and will have to push ahead. Two things are going through my mind; The Little Engine That Could and song lyrics, "... put one foot in front of the other..." Not bad, huh.

I'm also going to be concentrating on sending good vibes to my son-in-law's mother. She may have had a heart attack today. She's in the hospital now. Here's to a good prognosis and her speedy recovery. I'd love to be able to help her in some way. Really.