#10 - Zen and the Art of Home Deranging

So I'm sitting here trying to decide a new layout for our office. Turning this way and that trying to visualize the gray bookcase over on the wall by the light switch, the desk with the pull-out keyboard tray turned around and placed by the wall where the gray bookcase is now; or maybe putting the desk with the pull-out keyboard tray next to the matching work table over by the window. It's overwhelming.

I walk through our home and think of how I'd like to have it set up. I'm never satisfied. Besides, before I go ripping up the house again with my "deranging" efforts, it's obvious that the whole place needs a thorough cleaning. I know that my thoughts about "deranging" our home are part of my procrastination efforts. I'm very good at procrastinating.

All of a sudden I'm looking for our tape measure. It's not where I remember putting it who knows when. A sewing tape measure is there instead. This is a passable substitute, but now I want our tape measure. I want designated rooms for designated purposes. I want easy access to our tools. I want a full day to myself to "putz" in our home to make changes. This could be the day.

It makes sense to spend today focusing on cleaning and deranging things. I have to focus on cleaning first, though. I six boxes and two garbage bags in our office to go through and organize. Oh, I have two piles, too. Loard. Talk about sapping my energy; the thought of the amount of clutter around me makes me want to go to bed and curl up with my blankie.

"NO!" I think to myself, "Sleeping will not solve the problem. Avoiding the challenge will not do any good. Writing about it doesn't seem to be helping, either."

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to start in our "back room", the entry to our home, with basic carrying down to the basement. When in the basement I can start more laundry and fold what's there. Then there's the kitchen; it needs a basic cleaning. The good thing is that BB mopped the floor on Sunday, so I'm ahead of the game, so to speak. BB's bedroom is his to figure out. I will keep my thoughts out of there. Moving on to the living room, I want to move the wicker, arched bookcase over by the entertainment center for starters. The whole room needs revamping, but that's not going to happen until school is over this summer. My bedroom is a mess and needs a thorough cleaning. That really shouldn't take too long since it's very small. Which leads me back to the office that I've already mentioned the amount of work needed to be done there. Yep, I'm feeling overwhelmed.

So what have my fifty years taught me about such things? Zen and the Art of Home Deranging; slow down the mind, remain unattached to the amount of work to be accomplished, eat, hydrate, listen to my body, work and rest, put on some good music or a standard movie for enjoyable white noise, breathe and just do the mundane; trudge if I have to, continue to move forward, and push through the pouting. Zen and the Art of Home Deranging can be very, very enjoyable. New ideas, better ideas can crop up as a result. Stay focused and complete each task; so that, at the end of the day the home isn't in worse shape than it started out. Try to work, off and on, for twelve hours, at least. Enjoy the process more than the final outcome. Remain focused on functionality rather than emotional attachment to things; this means "you" limed-oak finish, twin, sleigh bed. Some decisions will hurt momentarily, but clarity will take over and if lucky, increased happiness will result. Oh, and thinking about it and writing about it does not make it happen. I am not Samantha Stevens, no matter how much I'd like to be, so moving in the physical world is a mandatory part of life and accomplishing goals. The goal is to work, focusing on each task while not thinking about the end result; the goal is to stay in "The Now." Don't you hate that term? I do. Letting go of that emotional response while focusing on each task is a goal, too.

I have so many little "demons" that pop up when it comes to working in my home. They're silly, stupid, childish bits of resentment and pain that seem to really make themselves known when I am alone faced with "doing something" about my living environment. The only way I've found to "handle" them is to have an internal dialogue between my "Mom-self" and my "Child-self." Other people do this, too, right? Oh well, if they don't. It's what works for me. A tender, understanding Mom soothing a distressed, angry Child while firmly encouraging action. I'm sure I ran into this practice somewhere during my therapy sessions over the years.

SHIT! I forgot to go to therapy last night! Damn. Blame it on Spring Break and a glorious day yesterday with GL, Big Girl, Little One, BB and SA. Guess that was my therapy, but now, I mean NOW, I have to make a few phone calls; and then, I will start today's version of Zen and the Art of Home Deranging because tomorrow is a very special day, and I want to be ready for it.