14th Post Until the End

This is the fourteenth post before the end of this blog in its current form. Fourteen is a special number to me simply because once upon a time when I was a little girl, I won two cakes by landing on the number fourteen twice during an elementary school fundraising Cake Walk. Some memories in life stay with a person, and the memory of winning something twice certainly stayed with me. Of course, it was so much sweeter because I won cake; two cakes. I remember that I got to pick the cakes after each win. With my first win, I picked a cake with chocolate frosting, of course. The second time I picked a cake with white frosting that was shaped like a bunny. For this reason, I think the fundraiser must have been held some time before Easter which means it was right around this time of year. My parents were flabbergasted that I had won two cakes. They tried to convince me to give one away. Of course this wouldn't do, and I successfully convinced my parents to transport our family and my two cakes home that evening. I also remember that even though the bunny cake had coconut on it that I liked it very much. We ate lots of cake for the next few days. I was very, very happy.So you see, fourteen is a special number for me. It is twice seven; thus, making it twice as lucky, literally.

In two weeks I will have decided if I will continue writing this blog. If I decide to continue writing it, I will have decided what shape it will take for the future. At this time I have not decided. I'm leaning towards stopping all together for a while or forever. If this is the case, I will still be writing for a portion of each day, though. I think my writing will be more personal and aimed at documenting portions of my life for my children and grandchildren. I also think that it may be more professional with a goal of earning a bit of money. The latter scares me, still; but off to the library I will go to finally do that research I need to do on query letters, publications, and publishing. We'll see, I suppose.

My mind, like many people's minds, is a goofy creature. I associate strange things with odd events sometimes. For example, with Kentucky beating Ohio State in this year's NCAA tournament, I am reminded of my children's paternal great-grandmother because she was from Kentucky. She didn't like me from the first day that she saw me. I ended up taking care of her for a year and a half and during all that time she was only nice to me one day. More correctly, she was only nice to me one day in all the years that I knew her. I thought that she probably had a stroke. Still with all of those memories, one of the things I remember is that she was fierce and loved her grandchildren. My goofy mind thinks that maybe she smiled down from Heaven or up from Hell and helped to grant me just one simple request because it suited her desires, too; a Kentucky win over Ohio State. It's simply fantastical to think this way, yet it amuses me. In some way, I can sort of forgive her for being such a miserably nasty person and have some pity on her as a result of this win and my imaginings. Like I said, my mind is goofy some times, but I go with it and laugh quite a bit as a result most of the time.

Part of my goofy mind's behavior pattern isn't as silly. It is downright disturbing, and I'm working to retrain my goofy mind. Since I've given it so much reign (pun intended), it is a bit difficult to redirect the more disturbing aspects of self-loathing and berating that is common place. It's an exercise in throwing out the bathwater and not the baby for certainly the happy, silly behavior that my goofy mind engages in is of more value than even I realize. The going is tough. My goofy mind is a worthy adversary in this area. Still I persist and have gained some ground in convincing my goofy mind that life and "we" will be far better off if a few bad behaviors are eradicated. I may be gaining a very strong ally. At least this is the goal.

Sometimes I feel like an arbitrator trying to bring my mind, body and spirit together. They have been at war or not talking for a long time, as I recently discovered, so this process is sometimes tedious, disappointing and frustrating. At other times the process is like talking to preschoolers after a disagreement which I did gently, compassionately, educationally, and focused on everyone getting along in the end. My more productive times of reunification are achieved with compassion, patience and understanding. Even when various parts resist my attempts, I proceed forward in a steadfast way. I feel as though I'm on some sort of gentle and firm military campaign; each bit of ground gained is staunchly held and plans are made to gain more ground, hold it, and gain supporters along the way. I guess this could be likened to other types of campaigns, but military is what comes to mind for me. It's a military process that does not include propaganda, nor does it include violence. I suppose a more accurate metaphor would be Gandhi's campaign for a free India and the Civil Rights Movement that Martin Luther King, Jr. led. I am looking for civil rights and freedom through unification of my mind, body and spirit. I've gained a lot of ground and have more ground to gain to achieve my goals.

So that's a bit of my goofy mind's analytical side. I spend a lot of time with my goofy mind. I'm very conscious of all parts of my being these days which is why I will now end my fourteenth post ramblings and go eat something before I leave for the evening. Have a wonderful night.