Determined Decisions

Yesterday my post was about Harry Nilsson and "Who's Harry Nilsson (And Why Is Everyone Talkin' About Him)?." The reason that I'm bringing it up is that I realize that many may focus on Harry's renown partying and miss "The Point."

The Human Race has a long history of being inspired by artists who had drug, alcohol, and mental health problems. Nilsson is just another one to add to the lot. To get stuck in his indulgences and miss his artistic contributions would be a shame; but certainly understandable for some that I know. I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Judge not lest ye be judged. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Allow a compassionate heart to guide your thoughts and deeds."

Recently I've had the opportunity to watch biopics and documentaries about Jane Austen, Louisa May Alcott, and Harry Nilsson. The thing that all three have in common is that they "flew in the face of convention" providing the world with a new way of being. That's pretty heady stuff and certainly courageous. Their approaches came with some self-sacrifice. None of them were angels, but Jane Austen probably comes the closest. They all worked very hard. They were all blessed with drive and talent. None of them considered themselves geniuses even though there were and still are people who thought that they were. All appear to have been very compassionate, yet firm. In the case of Louisa May Alcott and Harry Nilsson, they could be downright mean or "moody."

While in college and even before, I was exposed to a theory that to be a good artist a person needed to be courageous enough to expose their vulnerabilities; to pull something out of their heart and lay it before the masses. While writing children's stories did not fulfill Louisa May Alcott's underlying desires to write more torrid works, she still laid open bits of her life for the world to see and wasn't just a "hack writer" as she might of thought of herself at times. Jane Austen decided that her protagonists would have the happy endings that eluded people in real life; and thus, essentially rewrote many of the events and characters from her own life. Harry Nilsson poured his heart into his songs; he also poured his humor and anger into his songs.

As most of us know, opening up our hearts for the world to see is not something that comes easily or without consequences. Sometimes there are rewards for displaying such honest, intimate courage. Sometimes people just get eaten alive. It's a difficult endeavor. As we grow from child to adult, we learn that the world is far more complex than we'd imagined; we learn that there are people who would hurt us. We are taught to protect ourselves and others. It is a difficult line to follow that allows an artist to remain in tune with their childlike heart and still protect themselves and those they love.

Few find fulfillment. Louisa May Alcott wasn't really fulfilled according to her biographers. For instance, did you know that Louisa May Alcott wrote Pulp Fiction Mysteries filled with all sorts of characters including transvestites? Jane Austen gave up the love of her life. She never married and did her best to remain anonymous for the rest of her days. Harry Nilsson? Well according to his friends and family, Harry had a damn good time during his brief life, and it ended up killing him when he had a heart attack at 52 years of age.

The thing that all three people have in common is that they helped many, many people in their lives. Both women supported their families in a time when women did not do this, and certainly didn't do it as a primary breadwinner. Harry Nilsson's generosity towards numerous friends and strangers was as grand as his ability to have "adventures", and he did this while supporting his seven children, wife and ex-wife. The thing that all three people have in common is their compassionate nature, talent that was "good enough", and the strength to overcome almost all of the obstacles that faced them; they were practical and focused on what needed to be done while doing it in their own way.

Looking out at the world from behind my window pane, I see the Transcendental Beauty of our world. In my mind's eye, I see the beauty of everything that inspires me and the horror of what has hurt me. Pulling it all into my heart, I realize that focused, forceful determination is what I need.

Jane Austen, Louisa May Alcott, and Harry Nilsson all DECIDED that they would TRY to make a living with their particular skills. A determined approach is much more powerful than that wishy-washy, "It may not work out, but I'll see what happens" approach. I haven't found that yet. I'm still hiding behind the curtain wondering if all the mean people will go away and leave me alone. I'm looking for my armor, though.

It's time to fight the compassionate fight. It is time to do whatever it takes to support myself, my family, my friends, and maybe a few strangers along the way; not that I haven't done this on and off throughout the years. It's just time to step it up a notch and incorporate more of my talents and skills in the mix. It's a gamble, but at this point; what do I really have to lose? In fact, not trying will certainly cause me to lose more than I am willing to let go of.

So off I go to learn more, do more, and be more than even I ever imagined that I could be. I'd like to take a moment to thank all the people who have shored me up. I'd like to take a moment to curse the people who beat me down, but that is not a Compassionate Fighter's Way; so instead, I will thank them for providing me with some of the greatest antagonists any artist could ask for. Never said I wouldn't write about them, now did I. No long whiny diatribes. I feel they must be shown in the light that they deserve. Some will get humor. Some will be put to death. All will be represented in my artwork be it written, painted, sculpted, drawn ... and quartered? Ah, and some will never see the light of day again because they are not worth the energy for me unless it can benefit those I love in some way.

Throughout all of this, I long to do something for children as wonderful as what Harry Nilsson did when he wrote "The Point." For a crazy, drunk druggie, he sure did a fine point of making his point; his point was (for the most part) have fun, be nice, and help people in spite of your personal flaws and far too frequent emotional outbursts. Throughout all of this, I hope to leave behind something that my children and grandchildren can be proud of; something tangible that they can hold when I am gone because nothing lasts forever. They deserve to have something that lifts them up.

All of this, again, is not original or profound; nor is it really a proclamation to the world of my grand ideas on how I'm going to conquer the world. All of this is a note to myself that makes me feel good and inspires me to try because other people tried. I am coaching myself and allowing you to witness the process. I am testing my words on myself feeling how they make me feel and thinking what they make me think. I'm thinking and feeling that if my words have a certain effect on me; then maybe, they will have a similar effect on others. I am considering that if I find solace in my words that maybe others will, too. I'm deciding to try to make people laugh, learn, and love.

I can do this and remain out of the public eye, too. I've been shown the way by Jane, Louisa, and Harry. I've also been shown that should I feel that the time is right that I can stand in public bravely.

Quite frankly, I'd like to have a bit more money. A person's got to do more than eat, but sometimes a person has to focus on just getting enough money to buy food. I'd like to leave those days behind. They are stressful. It will be the stress that ends up killing me. I better get to writing the story before that day comes.