Mad

I woke up and realized that it is Garbage Day. I then realized that we hadn't taken out two weeks worth of recycling and envisioned the mountain on the porch. I blew my stack.

I'm so mad at myself because my brain is just not registering things properly. I stared at the recycling all day yesterday, made mention of it, noted that it needed to be taken out before our inspection today, didn't nag, and it's still sitting on our porch. That's 1.

2? I loaned my neighbor over $1,000 back in March. She was to have paid me back by July, then it was August, then no word for two months, then it was by my birthday, then no word, then it was whenever you can afford to pay me the last $156 dollars, then no word; and now I have no income, can't meet my financial obligations, won't be going up to see my family for Christmas, am seriously struggling, and have given her another phone call to explain - still no word. That's 2.

3? My ex and his family are more despicable than I ever imagined. I had no idea how ingrained their psychologically abusive natures are. Thanks to two weeks of contact after years of not hearing from them, I now realize how absolutely toxic and harmful they are. All the while they profess to be "Spiritual" and "Loving" insinuating that I am less than they are. I am so mad at them and their lying, manipulative ways. They are self-serving, self-centered hypocrites who deserve everything they have coming to them. Have at them Universe. No prayers for love and enlightenment from me. I'm done. That's 3.

4 - I have to retrain my brain after almost 40 years of being screwed up. It is hard work. The process is getting mixed reviews. I'm committed to doing it, though. I am so tired of working so hard and being ignored, blown off, not having phone calls returned, being taken advantage of, and insulted and maligned. I'm DEFINITELY DONE with all of that bullshit. That's 4.

For today, that's it. I'm mad, furious, fed-up, frustrated, and just down right amazed at how stupid I've been. I have serious concerns about whether or not I'll ever be employed again. I am worried about my brain's abilities. I really don't want to see or talk to anyone for a good long while. I need time to process this whole screwed up life of mine. It is not going to be a pleasant journey. I advise everyone to give me a lot of space.

I'll leave you with this quote: "If it's going to be, it's up to me." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Time to face reality. It's up to me. I can count on no one but myself. I'm done trying.