Pain Fully Wise

There are so many thoughts rolling around in my head that I just couldn't post yesterday which just became yesterday 21 minutes ago. Generally speaking this means things are troubling me. Things tend to trouble me. I am constantly asking, "Why?" I started this when I was about two years old and have never really given up the practice. I do get answers sometimes. Sometimes I don't.

In this case, I'm not getting answers. I have a lot of fears. I have a lot of indecision. I have a lot of pain. I have a lot of self-doubt. I don't have many answers.

OK. Given that I am not receiving the answers to my many "whys", I'm picking and choosing. There are some things that I can do. There are some things that I cannot do. There are somethings that I can accept. There are some things that I cannot accept. There are so many things to consider that I am stuck in my mind.

Guess it's time to write a list and start checking off more things. On the list will be things to research. There will be simple, mundane activities to accomplish. There will be painful tasks to tackle.

The only thing that I know for sure is that I will be and have been in constant pain. My pain is physical and emotional. I'm doing my best to let it go. It's still just there. Some people live with pain for years. I am accepting that I am one of those people. I'm going to do my best to not let it slow me down too much. It does slow me down, though.

No big proclamations of what I'm going to do. I remember my list of twenty items. I'm hoping to take care of a few more things on that list.

i will see my grandgirls on Monday for the full 3 hours. I can't possibly tell you how much I miss them, but I will see them on Monday.

I think I shall have to write all the stories of my life down to sort through all this pain. I will write and offer it up. I will knit and crochet and give my gifts. I will clean and decorate. I am doing these things already.

I will keep working on forgiving the people who have hurt me and mine. I know it is the right thing to do, but it is very difficult. More than ever before, I feel that I must be vigilant about what's best for my children and grandchildren. I let emotions, pain, and self-doubt get in the way when I was raising my own. Since I realize what my mistakes were, I think I might have a few ideas about how to not repeat them. I'll talk to professionals.

I have great guilt and many regrets. Is it possible to redeem oneself in one's later years? I accept that a lot of my pain is based on selfish attachments to seeing my grandgirls and wanting the best for my children. My pain is also connected to my consistent disillusionment with our world.

Does anyone else out there think that maybe this is Hell? I wonder if it is for some. I also wonder if it's Heaven for others. Is our world a world of duality that supersedes time and space making Heaven and Hell the same place simply depending on each person's perspective. A lot of words for something that I should have realized a long time ago. I'm talking about more than each person's perception; I'm talking about the real Heaven and Hell. Maybe it's right here right now and each person's karma determines which perception of reality they experience. So is it my karma to have this life? If so, is this it? Is it also my karma to work to change it? Too many questions.

This is when getting mad and just deciding to fight back comes in handy.