Finding Sanctuary - Seeing "Secretariat"

http://forwardatfifty.blogspot.com/2010/05/majestic-prince.html

The above link is for a blog post I made way back in May after Super Saver won the Kentucky Derby. It briefly mentions Secretariat along with a slew of other great race horses. It remains one of my favorite blog posts.

I'm going to lose readership today. It's been a thrilling ride, but my focus is switching from Thor Hushovd and cycling to horse racing, strong women, daily events, movies and writing. Gotta write from the heart, you know. Right now, my heart is with ...

"Secretariat", the movie, was a joy yesterday. I'd promised myself that I would go see it on Opening Day. I'm so happy that I treated myself. I went alone after my invitations were rejected by BB, SA and GL (my daughter). The invitations were half-hearted, so I was actually happy that they refused. I wanted to go alone.

I've been looking forward to this movie for months. My memories of Secretariat and horse racing hooked me into it. Having never read the book, I didn't know any of the historic details surrounding Secretariat. I learned about Secretariat's people through the movie trailer. Penny Chenery is a revelation and inspiration. Lucien Lauren, a joy. Ron Turcotte, an inspiration. Eddie Sweat and Elizabeth Ham, pure love and comfort.

(For those of you who are interested and would like more information about facts that were left out of the movie or changed, the following link is a piece written by Bill Christine, an renown journalist. I'll leave it to you about whether or not you want to read this before seeing the movie. http://www.horseraceinsider.com/blog.php/West-Coast-Wash )

I suppose I should explain something about how I approach being a fan since I have written about being a fan of so many things. It's really quite simple; I am an altruistic, child-like fan by choice. I have no competitive desire to know more facts about whatever or whoever I am a fan of. I take an interest in each subject and learn details as a result. Usually there are details that are disturbing, but sometimes there aren't. When I find disturbing details, I adjust my perspective incorporating those facts into the picture. I have yet to stop being a fan of something or someone because of disturbing details. The disturbing details may, however, diminish my enthusiasm; but I'm willing to live with that. So that's it; I hold my "Fan Status" as a Holy Grail of escape and diversion. It starts out on the highest level and fluctuates according to whatever factual details emerge, yet, I have remained a fan of all that I started out admiring when I was a child.

Watching "Secretariat" merged two of my favorite fan pastimes; movies and horse racing. I am such a willing audience member when I watch movies. I am fully committed to being taken on the ride. I suspend my disbelief and joyfully go far away from my life into a world that I've never experienced before. It is a beautiful and exciting experience that emulates the same excitement and beauty that I experience when I watch horse racing. The feast feeds my soul and renews me.

I knew that this movie would release me for a moment and that the ride might be a bit bumpy. For this reason, I wanted to go alone. I wanted freedom from everything and everybody except me, the movie, and what it did to me. I wanted to go far away. I wanted to find what I have so often found while watching movies: sanctuary.

I had a cathartic, emotional epiphany while watching this film. Throughout the film, I cried simply because I allowed my emotions, insights and memories to take me there. I couldn't read the credits like I usually do because I was sobbing. Alone in a dark theater I found my release; I sobbed because it is what I needed to in that moment in that place. I am so glad I granted myself the treat of going to see "Secretariat" alone. It is entirely personal, and I don't expect anyone else to have a similar experience. What I discovered while watching this film was a longing, a need, a determination, and a few important insights. Now that is vague, but to reveal these key elements now will undo me. I have been put together in a new way, but the glue is still drying and the paint job is incomplete. I am vulnerable and going to take the time necessary to actually do a few of the things that I realized I need to do before telling anyone. I've had a long history of telling people what I'm going to do before doing it thus taking the energy away resulting in delay and/or failure.

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my journey as I go forward as a fifty year old. A large part of this journey has turned out to be reconnecting with things from my childhood that I enjoyed. Another large part of this journey is finding inspiration to move on as a stronger woman. It is my belief that by combining these two elements that I will discover new passion, determination, skills, and direction to use for the rest of my life. So far, so good. I have discovered many failings and the causes or patterns of these failings. I have discovered incredible successes; most of which are not chronicled here. The purpose of this blog is to bring to light how I can become a more successful person and make a larger contribution to our world while taking care of myself.

I will share a few key details that I have never shared before. The first is about my sister. Have I written about her? Have your read about her? I have tried my best to keep the details of our relationship secret because it is the subject of my script. I've known many a screenwriter and playwright in my time and there is a built in and valid, protective paranoia based on fear of having ideas stolen. I've stated that I want to make money with my writing. I've always thought I'd like to write a screenplay and am now in class to do so. My class is showing me that maybe I'd be better served to write short stories or books or articles, but I haven't made up my mind because any new endeavor is always a bit rocky at first. So, now you know the subject of my script, and maybe you already knew it. Maybe I haven't divulged any details, so let me continue.

Yesterday, I did two important things besides going to see "Secretariat." They are as much a part of my catharsis and healing as seeing the movie.

Before going to see "Secretariat", I went to the local library, got a new card, checked out two autobiographies (Jane Pauley and Eleanor Roosevelt) and three DVDs (Adaptation, and two Romantic Comedies), and bought six books for $4 (Autobiographies about Edward R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, and Sir Lawrence Olivier; "Wicked", "The Trumpet of the Swan" by E.B. White and "Twice Upon a Time" for the title and main character name). I am a library person. When I was a child in the country, my next door neighbor was the local Children's Librarian, and I am grateful to this day. I love libraries. I am at completely at peace when I am in a library. It is a comfort zone. It is a sanctuary.

After going to see "Secretariat", I called my sister. Since you don't know our story, you do not understand the miraculous nature of that simple statement. There are some who have heard the story, but they still don't know it entirely; nobody knows but the two of us. The call started as I was driving home. When I arrived in my driveway, I turned off the car and continued talking. It was a beautiful night, and there was no need to go inside. We talked for a long time about what's going on in our lives and were dismayed that they are so similar now. We listened. We laughed. We cried. We supported. We swore like truck drivers. We bolstered each other. We comforted each other. When the call ended, we were stronger. We share a common history formed when we were very young. Some people are amazed at how much we both remember from those years, but we think it is because of the trauma we both experienced. At this point, we're quite certain that the events were seared into our memories because of how events played out. We know what very young children can remember because of what we remember. We are both in heartbreaking situations, right now; but we'll survive. We provide sanctuary for each other.

I'll give you one important detail. My sister is not my blood sister. My parents only had two children, and I am the only girl. My sister is my sister, and I am hers due to circumstance and choice. Our circumstance just happens to be based on time spent together before the trauma that happened when we were very young. Our choice is based on many factors, but one is certainly unconditional love.

Yesterday, I spent the day in the sanctuary of the library, the movie theater, and my sister's unconditional love before returning to the sanctuary of my home.