That's Right!

Welcome to a 5:30am, groggy post.

I woke up about an hour ago fighting my blankets and dripping in sweat. Don't be alarmed. I do this more often than I've related to anyone I know. I'm actually quite used to it. Not that it's a good thing. In this case, I figure my Domestic Abuse Survivors group really triggered some dreams or something because this time I was actually sore from my struggle. I don't remember what I was dreaming, or if I was dreaming at all. I just woke up, was hot, and got up because I could hear the wind whipping up.

We're supposed to have two days of nasty weather starting today. Right now it's cool and windy. Quite dramatic. I love the wind. Since I'm heavier now, I love the cool weather, too. This is a bit of all right.

Well, yesterday was one pretty big, important day. Three major things happened.

1. I got to see my granddaughters after not seeing them for three months and a week and four months and a week.

2. I talked to my Digital Sound instructor about why my attendance and performance has been what it has been and informed him of the reason why things were going to change.

3. I went to my first Domestic Abuse Survivors group session.

Seeing my granddaughters, as I previously wrote, was all about the warm fuzzies. My oldest and I played with her wooden train set to start out with. Then she wanted to know where the other birds were because she only found Buzz, the Buzzard (Beanie Babies). Well, I had to explain that her birds had gone to live in the basement for a while; and that, I would go down and get them all. After I did that, there was a joyous reunion between Buzz and Ozzie, the Ostrich. It was so heartwarming to see her play with the toys that she remembers being at MeeMa's house. She also made comment about the clouds in our living room. I told her that I painted them there for her ... and me and BB. When I asked her if I should add some fairies to the clouds, she thought that I should. She also thought that I should add some doggies and something else. When she saw her old Care Bears and Princesses balls, she wanted to go outside and play; so we did. Of course in the process, we woke up her little sister. Oops. We went out to play anyway, and let her mommy (GL) and BB tend to her sister. We had so much fun outside until BB came and asked if I would go upstairs to help with the grouchy one.

Well, this kinda made me nervous, but onwards and upwards - literally. I hadn't seen her in four months, so I just wasn't sure how she'd take me. Oh how she cried. Nothing would soothe her until I just got her dressed, grabbed a couple blankets and took her outside, too. Well, I can't completely say that. There was this moment when she calmed down for a bit while I cooed to her. She looked up at me with such big, sad eyes; and then, she did something that completely surprised me: she put her forehead against my cheek and nuzzled me. Most people I've met discount a child's memory prior to a certain age, but seeing as my first memory is from before I could walk; I ignore them. I am of the firm opinion that my youngest granddaughter did remember me in that moment. We'd had this one amazing time when she was about three months old when we locked eyes and looked into each others' souls for a good minute or two. A minute or two is a long time to lock eyes with anyone, but we sunk into each other. It was one of those "time stood still" moments that transported me and maybe her, too. When she looked in my eyes yesterday, it was with the same recognition. In fact, as soon as she heard my voice, she calmed down for a brief moment, so I've got to think that somewhere inside her a memory existed that told her that this woman, her MeeMa, was a good, loving, safe person.

As soon as I started downstairs, Little One stopped crying and started looking around. We went outside and walked for a while until I wanted to sit down. Since she was agreeable, I'm happy to report that we had a lovely time just being still and watching the goings on around us. There I sat bouncing my youngest granddaughter on my knee, letting her just take in the outdoors. That's when I checked her teeth. Sure enough, she's getting in her two top teeth. I sent BB upstairs to get a cold washcloth with a piece of ice in it and some baby carrots. Neither was put in her mouth, but they did supply some distraction. The chipmunks should've had a feast last night for all the carrots on the grass, but Little One was happy to play with them. She was so happy that she started clapping and "talking" to us. It wasn't long before I spread out one of the blankets and sat her down on it. She's crawling. She can move herself around quite well.

While all of this was happening, GL and her oldest played and played. It was so good to see them together again. GL is such a good Mom. Her oldest is quite clear that her mommy is Her Mommy and no one else compares. This, too, is wonderful to see.

When Big Girl and I started playing, GL played with Little One. Again, I got to see that mother/child bond. Of course, I'd seen it when I first got home and saw everyone. GL was sitting in our easy chair holding Little One, who was fast asleep. Seems Little One wouldn't lay down in a bed. She only wanted to be held by her mommy. Again and again, this fills me with such joy.

Well, like I said yesterday, I just basked in the glow of seeing my granddaughters for a good long while yesterday. As a result, I was happy enough to go out and buy a few inexpensive toys for them for the next time they come to MeeMa's house. An eight dollar bright, shiny, blue soccer ball because Big Girl's favorite color is blue and a mini-Playdough Fun Factory on sale for ten dollars were all I got for Big Girl. Little One got a couple teething rings that can be frozen or cooled, a musical rattle that's shaped like a piano and plays bits of Classical classics, and a cloth and wood stackable ring toy on sale, of course. MeeMa is frugal and discerning with her purchases.

Prior to seeing my granddaughters, I had the opportunity to talk with my Digital Sound instructor about all that's been going on in my life and the lives of those I love. He was so understanding.

I interrupted him as he was about to ask if I would like to drop the class with a firm, "I'm not dropping. I will do whatever it takes. Everyday. Here. Wherever."

He kinda gulped, took a deep breath, and proceeded to tell me what my first step was to get caught up. He headed to help the rest of the class, and I started on my project. God Bless my class for being behind like me. I mean it! The assignment that I was willing to take an "F" on isn't due until next week. Originally, it was due yesterday.

The best part of class was that as I completed each section, I would report to him; and he would set me on the next step. I worked quickly accomplishing each task. When he came to check my work, he was visibly impressed.

"OK. If you can knock out this part, you'll be in good shape," he told me pointedly.

I got one third of the assignment done in an hour. Only three people were in good shape when class started, so I was among many who were catching up. I held my own. Now this feels pretty fantastic. It's nice to surprise people with my skills because to look at me you wouldn't really think that computer/technical stuff is one of my fortes. Ah, that "never judge a book by its cover" thing rides again. In any case, I've found renewed passion, determination, and commitment to my Digital Sound class and school in general. Big moment.

Thirdly, my Domestic Abuse Survivors group is GREAT! It's heartbreaking, but I feel safe and like I'm in the right place. I've come to realize that even though I went through two years of therapy while I was going through my divorce, I never really internalized the necessary coping skills for dealing with abusive people and situations. I have never really valued myself the way I value others. I'm sitting in a room with women who have decided to learn how to value themselves and live a healthy, productive, loving life. My circumstances are not as dire as some in the group, for which I am grateful. I thought my heart would break when I listened to each woman briefly describe what had happened in their lives, and why they were in the group. I could go on about it taking me over twenty years to make this realization, or I could simply say that while the old, gray mare ain't what she used to be; she can still learn a few new tricks. I am so looking forward to learning all these new tricks. Besides, I'm not alone in the number of years it took me to arrive in the group. Seems there are many like me. I'm confident that I'll be a better person, Mom, and MeeMa as a result. I might just be a better friend, sister, and daughter, too. I can't wait to go back next week. I have only one regret, but I'll leave that in my privacy file for now. I've taken a wee bit of action on behalf of rectifying it, and we'll see if it is received in the spirit that it is given. For now, though, I know that I'm in the right place(s) for me.

Well, an hour and twenty minutes of writing is over. The predicted rain has started. The windows have been closed to a crack. I've even received a phone call and helped someone in the middle of all of this. Funny, the person I helped wasn't surprised at all that I was wide awake and answered my phone at 6am. Guess she knows me pretty well. I'm getting to know me pretty well, too. I'm starting to think that for some people the whole "getting to know yourself" thing takes place after the kids are raised and there is time to focus on one's own concerns. At least that's how it is for me. Might have been better if I'd learned a few things earlier, but well, we've covered that, haven't we.

Good Day, All. The sun is rising. The sky is a gorgeous shade of slate blue. The rain patters against the windows gently. The soft breeze lulls me into a journey back to bed for a wee bit more.