Battling My Demons - AGAIN

I'm tired of waking up in the early hours of the morning with unpleasant thoughts and dreams. My friend calls it "battling your demons." I agree with her.

I'm frustrated. My wishes are being ignored. I'm mad about that. I have to let it all go. How do I let it all go? What do I do? How do I rid myself of all the distrust? This situation is sick. How do I transform it into something healthy? I do not have control over it. I never will. What is the best way to solve this? Too many questions and no sight of answers. Patience, I guess.

I think I need to move or at least move on. How do I do that? I guess by simply following through on what I've said I will be doing. This is going to be difficult. Guess I still need to go to DAS group to discuss this all. I have too many issues still. I am being systematically locked out by arrogant, messed-up people. I'm beating my head against a wall. There is no solution here. There are only years of discomfort and pain ahead. This is not acceptable. I must remove myself from the situation.

What has set my demons free this time? Well, Big Girl says that the afghan I made for her is not at her home. If it is not at her home, where is it? BB and GL say that it is. I think they're delusional. I mean, how do they know that it is? Have they seen it? Does it matter? Yes, it matters. Big Girl says that her afghan is here, but it isn't. It is not on her bed at home like she wants it to be. If it was, she would say that it is on her bed at home. The thing that I spent hours making for her because she wanted it for her bed at home is not there according to her. I am mad that her words are being ignored. I am mad that my request to check on the afghan's location is being ignored. I am mad that my present could be withheld from her because it's from me. I am concerned about my grandgirls happy, healthy upbringing by the people who withheld them from me for four months. Nothing has changed in the communication between the people that my grandgirls live with and me. I feel no support. I am again being told that I'm the crazy one. The Psychological Abuse continues. I must break free. I must break free; so that, I can lead the way out for others. I must break free; so that, I may lead a healthy, happy life. I cannot continue to enable this life-style.

With that in mind, I will not be seeing Big Girl and Little One for a while. I have stated that I will not be around when GL is around. Our relationship has deteriorated again. I annoy her. She behaves one way when the girls are around and another when they leave. It is a dramatic shift filled with a shocking lack of communication. I cannot get through. Furthermore, I cannot get through to anyone who supports her. The more I try the more I am seen as the one who is off-balance. I must remove myself from the situation which means that I will sacrifice seeing Big Girl and Little One for a time; I hope it isn't years.

GL and BB are defending the people who withheld my grandgirls from us. I cannot stomach this. How deep in the sand are everyone's heads? How strong is the denial. I guess when the final, terrible outcome is realized I'll have the dissatisfaction of knowing that I was right all along. It's something to be able to see a situation and know what the future holds UNLESS someone makes a loud popping sound.

I don't know how to facilitate clarity in this situation. I am continually re-evaluating myself to be sure that I am not over-reacting or being motivated by fear and imbalanced emotions. Since I am mad and fearful that my relationship with my grandgirls is hindered and would be blocked if at all possible, I know that my perceptions may be skewed, or it could be that my fears are valid; and everything that I observe is leading to years of struggle to see my grandgirls. Whatever the case, I will write about it; so that, at least my grandgirls will know that I cared and did my best to figure out how I could love them and spend time with them.

AS far as GL and BB, I will write; so that, they may also know that youthful arrogance and hiding your head in the sand are painful ways to live your life. I will write to regain my self-worth and dignity. To live a life as a person who's reputation has been unjustly maligned and continue to seek some validation is difficult. I must remove myself from this untenable situation. It is killing me.