Glorious End

How I love the end of Daylight Savings Time. I feel so good with my extra hour of sleep. I don't mind that it will be dark earlier either. Having been a night owl for most of my life, I like the darkness.

I'm even looking forward to the snow. I love the visual contrast between the snow and the barren trees. I like how snow sparkles in the moon light.

For now, though, I will enjoy the Fall. It is crisp and colorful.

I'm off to finish up the never-ending Digital Sound project today. It's not going to sound as good as I wish it would, but at least I'm getting the technical skills down a bit. Very intensive project that has kicked my butt for too long. It's time to but it to bed and move on.

After finishing Digital Sound, if time permits, I will be doing my three critiques for Scriptwriting. My goal is to get all of my homework done today; so that, I can devote the attention needed to my Project Manager duties for the rest of the week.

Besides everything else, I still have DVS Group on Monday night and NAMI Class on Tuesday night. I'd like to hit Al-Anon Meetings on Wednesday and Friday morning, too. Friday afternoon, I'm back to the Hippotherapy facility, too. These are all my self-help activities. They all happen to be free, too.

My life continues to be busy, and I know that I've filled my days and nights with activity in an effort to continue to deal with my grief. This Thanksgiving will mark the one year anniversary of spending my first Thanksgiving with GL and her husband at their home; the one and only time I went there for a meal or holiday. I think I will be spending it alone. GL will not be spending it with me, and I've encouraged BB to spend it with SA and her family if he's invited. I will be fine alone. I have many things to do. I could also just be a bum all day long. I could also go work at a shelter or "soup kitchen" for the day; something I've always wanted to do.

I'm looking ahead to Christmas, and realize that it will be frugal and loving. The only presents I foresee giving to anyone will be to my "grandgirls" (just had that word pop out of my mouth yesterday, and I like it). I'm looking at my cash flow to see if I can give a bit to my parents and children. It's going to be tight.

I've been pretty obsessed with the end of my Extended Benefits through Unemployment lately. Extended Benefits end on December 4th for my state. This means that if I don't find some sort of steady work, I will be without any income right before Christmas. I've been sitting on my Financial Aid rather than buying that Mac I've been dreaming of. I know how to live frugally.

Maybe over Winter Break I'll attempt to quit smoking again. I'm an addict and quitting is incredibly hard. It's the money more than the health. I pretty much figure that I'll be dying of lung cancer at this point. I'm going to die earlier than expected I think. It's just a thought that has been going through my brain lately. Just the stress and grief of the whole life situation. I can't focus on that, though. Just have to keep moving forward and doing the best that I can.

Smoking is one of two of my last vices. My other vice is sweets. Smoking and eating sweets seem to go hand-in-hand, so guess I'll set a Quit Date and lock myself up in a padded cell somewhere. Argh. This would probably be the best Christmas present that I could give to my family, so maybe that thought will keep me going. Oh Just - SHIT! I'll spare you any more dribble on that subject.

I've come to realize that it's harder than I thought to make positive changes while so tired, stressed, and down-hearted. People do it all the time, though; so I'm still plugging away. Man, I fail a lot. I guess I succeed a lot, too. Think it's time to pull out a few of the old standards regarding Positive Thinking. Norman Vincent Peale, here I come.

I've also got my St. Jude candle burning. While I'm not Catholic, ever since I lived in LA, I have bought the glass candles with various Saints, Jesus, and the Virgin Mother. I love candles and having a place in my home that reminds me to focus on being faithful and good. I have a lovely, brass, hanging candle holder in my kitchen that I bought from a Hindu store a few years ago. I try to keep a candle lit in it at all times. It started out as a candle in honor of our troops, but has simply turned into a candle in honor of humanity. My St. Jude candle is lit in honor of continuing to focus on receiving the help I need. It is also lit for those I love who need help, too. I do receive quite a few answers to my prayers and meditations. I am lucky that way. Life could be so much worse.

OK, enough rambling for this morning. It is time to get going. Taking action is a great cure for the blues. I'm not so down today. Like I said, "I love the end of Daylight Savings Time." Of course, this bit of my personality flies in the face of so many which makes me a bit nervous. I don't mean to be contrary. There are just so many areas where I know that I don't fit in. I'm still searching for that community of people who are like me. I wonder if I'll ever be lucky enough to find them ... and even luckier to work with them.

I've decided that I'm a creative person, so now I have to figure out how to make a living as a creative person when over half of my life is over. Grandma Moses. That's who I think of when I think that thought. Here's to Grandma Moses and so many others who found something wonderful in life during their second half.

Man, I miss my grandgirls. OK! ENOUGH! Time to go make everyone proud of me - and reduce my stress level. Later!